Supermarket Sweep - March, 2008

Since I retired, my supermarket shopping habits have changed drastically. I am home more, so I cook more, which means I shop more often and buy more stuff. My trips are more leisurely – and more expensive. And I have carefully, though unscientifically, researched the optimal time to shop, which turns out to be around 3 PM Tuesdays through Thursdays.

You don’t want to go on the weekend because the stores are too crowded. On Mondays and Fridays, people are restocking from or for the weekend. You want to avoid the early crowd, consisting largely of “old people” (yeah, I know, look out, ‘cause here I come) who amble through the aisles, blissfully unaware they are blocking the way of the rest of us while they attempt to figure out whether the coupon is better with the regularly priced item or if the item on sale is a better buy. Once they have left, you still have to face the moms, armed with crying kids in their carts, rushing to get their errands done before the other kids arrive home. By 3, the moms have evacuated the premises, racing home to greet the kiddies as they get off the bus. And that hour is still too early for the people who stop at the store on their way home from work, because they are still working. So 3 PM seems like the best time to go.

Even after my exhaustive research, there are issues with which I must contend. I’d spend less and eat less, for that matter, if I went in without a cart at all and only bought what I could carry out. How many times have you gone into the supermarket for a container of milk, or eggs or butter and come out with three bags and $75 poorer?

And how many times are you on line, in a hurry, behind the person who is searching through a purse the size of a weekend bag for her frequent shopper card – and then has to write a check? Or you pick the aisle where the cashiers are about to switch – or worse, have to change the register tape? Picking the right lane can save valuable minutes, but that never happens to me.

But what is really unlikely to happen to me is incorrect cart identification. I’d never confuse my cart with someone else’s cart and be chased around the store by its rightful owner (which actually happened to a friend of mine).

I can’t help noticing that other people’s carts are filled (and the difference starts there since I live alone and never get anywhere close to filling a cart) with all kinds of items I just never buy.

Start with pet food. I have no pets (besides pet peeves, and there are plenty of them), so you won’t find Fancy Feast, kitty litter or those 100 pound bags of Alpo on the bottom of my cart (which I have never resorted to using). And speaking of large items, you’ll see no giant packages of diapers – 96 diapers, or a two-day supply for some people – in my cart. For that matter, no little babies are riding in the top part of the cart. That’s good, because that’s where all of my groceries generally fit.

I like my snacks as much as anyone else, but I have my rules. So don’t expect to find ice cream in my cart in the winter. Food that changes your skin color – like Cheetos – is also verboten. I hate Freetos because they smell like feet, and I’d die before I’d eat a Slim Jim or anything referred to as “jerky.” And while I’d give my right arm for a Devil Dog, you’ll more likely find a box of Weight Watchers chocolate cakes (one point, but very tasty) or fat-free pudding in my cart.

The other day I saw a cart with at least six giant containers of orange juice. To me, that’s a lifetime supply, but maybe this person runs a day care center or has a large family. Or maybe there’s a BIG batch of mimosas or screwdrivers in someone’s plans...

I went shopping with a friend recently who lingered at the hummus selection while I blew past the hummus, guacamole, taboleh and anything else that sounds remotely healthy or good for you. That frees my time from having to stop in the organic section of the store at all. I know they have aisles for that, but I’ve never gone down one. I can get past the pork and ham selections without slowing down because, as a good Jew, I only eat bacon, and that’s only outside of the house. I skip the sausages and most other breakfast items (no pancakes or waffles; I prefer French toast), including most cereals. I’ll bypass the potato bread (huh??), the bakery cakes and the packaged pies.

So what do you find in my cart? Chicken, beef, bananas and bread mostly, with fish, cheese, veggies and salad thrown in. There are light versions of everything from jelly and cranberry juice to cream cheese and hot chocolate (only in the winter; see “ice cream rule” above). But nary a can of chili, Chef Boyardee or peanut butter has made its way into my cart.

Two things are for sure: One, you’ll never confuse my cart for yours (or vice versa), and, two, you’d want to be behind me in the checkout aisle, believe me. Twenty items or less, anyone?