September Silliness 2022

Considering my doubts about the need for and viability of the British monarchy, I am surprised at how sad I am about the death of Queen Elizabeth II. She had been Queen for almost as long as I have been alive, a steady presence who outlived her many prime ministers, US Presidents and other important historical figures. It will be difficult to get accustomed to hearing "King Charles," but he has been in the on-deck circle for his entire life, so I guess it's his time. I have nothing but respect for the late Queen, who dedicated her life to serving her country, including in the Armed Forces. It wasn't a job she pursued or was even expected to have, but when it was thrust upon her, she served with distinction and dedication. Rest well, Your Majesty.

Why do people refer to “the four corners of the earth” when we know that the earth is round? We do, don’t we?

When I look in the mirror, I alternate between “you don’t look so bad” and “what the hell happened here?”

As of August 31, Costco has on its showroom floor a giant snowman, a display of lighted reindeer and other reminders that Christmas is a mere 4 months away!

I hate knowing I’m late when I haven’t even left the house yet!

I was going to give someone a piece of my mind on the phone the other day, but then I realized that I couldn’t spare it.

New episodes of “Jeopardy” are back on the air, so you will have to forgive me if everything I say is in the form of a question.

There are so many reusable grocery bags in my trunk that there is barely enough room for the groceries.

Where did I get so many reusable water bottles? I’m trying to remember to use them and to stop using bottles of Poland Spring. More washing but less recycling!

My GPS tells me, “Prepare to make a right.” How much preparation does this require? Is there a course I have to take, a certification I need? Sure, if I am driving on the interstate, I should get over to the right-hand lane to turn right, but if I am driving in town or on a two-lane road, trust me, I’m prepared to make that right.

For someone who watches as much TV as I do, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I never have watched any of the shows nominated for an Emmy Award as best drama. I've only watched “Abbott Elementary,” “Ted Lasso” and “Hacks” on the comedy side, and I stopped watching “Mrs. Maisel” this year. I started watching “The White Lotus” and hated it, so I stopped. It looks like I have some catching up to do now!

I have watched too many episodes of “Dateline.” When I watched one recently about a woman who vanished, I noticed the nice pictures of her on the screen and wondered what pictures of me would be used if I ever disappeared. That’s crazy!

Can we talk about the absolute annoyance of “REPLY ALL” to emails? I live in a senior community, and everyone here seems to think we want to see them tell EVERYONE that they have cast their ballot for the HOA Board, or that they like a picture of a tree or a bird that Shirley posted, or that they, too, might have seen a coyote but they aren’t sure. People, get a life! I don’t want to opt out of the messages, because when someone posts that they loved their new neurologist or painter, that might be useful to keep. But the other stuff is a waste of time and mailbox space!

Why do people – especially athletes – say that they have “given 110%?” Isn’t 100% the top of the scale? Have we cranked up the volume from 10 to 11 now? (Raise your hand if you get that reference.)

I recently got a package from Amazon in a big cardboard box that had this message on it: “This box is suitable for use as a diorama.” I don’t have kids and I was in school before someone invented the cruelty that is a diorama, but shouldn’t any large box be suitable for that purpose? If you were a desperate parent trying to help your child at the last minute with a school project, wouldn’t you have stashed away a box or two for this purpose?

If you cough – not sneeze – and someone says, “God bless you,” should you explain it was a cough, not a sneeze, which doesn’t generally merit a “God bless you,” or merely say “thank you?” And does it matter? I know you’re thinking NO.

I wonder why we sneeze, and why we sneeze multiple times. I exhausted myself one morning with a sneezing fit before my feet even hit the floor.

I can’t remember life before Adjust-a-Size paper towels, but I don’t think I could live without them now.

What kind of violence takes place in my washing machine? Things come out of there inside-out, upside-down and backwards. The socks are smart enough to try to escape the torture. 

I recently spent an hour on line at the inspection station where I amused myself by filing my nails and watching people taking their driving tests. One person had three tries to parallel park before they finally got it right. I feel your pain! One of the few times in my life that I parallel parked perfectly was on my driver’s test, which I still consider a major achievement. Remember when cars did not have power steering? Wrestling your car into a parking space was a real workout! Hence the trepidation about parallel parking!

Car inspection in NJ used to be so scary. You never knew whether your inspector woke up surly that day and you were going to fail. When the person in the little booth at the end of the lane finally scraped off your sticker, you just prayed you passed. Now, there is no more slamming on the brakes or checking your high beams. It is strictly an emissions test – yet I still sweat it out until the car passes!

Desperately seeking bagels. When was the last time I had a decent bagel, one with an actual hole in the center that didn’t look like a hard roll? What I am finding these days are doughy, fat bagel pretenders that don’t even fit into the toaster. When it comes to good bagels, bigger isn’t necessarily better.

I sprained my thumb recently while taking a nap. Apparently, I tucked it under my chin inadvertently and leaned on it the wrong way. I had a neck pillow right there, but I just conked out. I’ll survive.

I have been watching tennis all summer, it seems. At the US Open, legend Serena Williams put on a great show before bowing out in what MIGHT be her last hurrah in Flushing Meadows. She will go down in history as the greatest female tennis player ever, objections from Margaret Court notwithstanding. And the men ushered in a new era with the ascension of 19-year-old Carlos Alcaraz to the World #1 ranking with his thrilling win over Casper Ruud, displacing the usual triumphant triumvirate of Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic. Thanks to Serena for a lifetime of thrills, and here’s to many more victories from young Mr. Alcaraz. 

Public Service Announcement: For those of you following my very successful experience with cataract surgery who have been told that you are developing cataracts, I recommend that you take an aggressive approach to have the surgery done. Push to get it done sooner rather than later. It took 5 years for mine to get to the point where I really NEEDED the surgery, but could I have gotten it after 2 years or 3? It's great now finally being able to see clearly, but I wish I had done it sooner. No one suggested that at all. We were just "keeping an eye" on my cataracts. Talk to your eye doctor and speed up the process if you can. Why should we suffer when we could enjoy improved vision sooner?

While waiting in the treatment room for my eye injection, I looked around and realized I was able to read almost everything in the room, including a colorful diagram all about the retina and wet macular degeneration, which is what I have. I had never been able to read it before. When the doctor came in, I pointed to the poster on the wall and said to the doctor, “Do you see that poster?” He said yes and looked at me quizzically. “So do I,” I declared.

One last medical thing: The doctor’s office always sends out reminders to arrive 15 minutes before my appointment. Why, so I can wait that extra 15 minutes watching bad TV in the waiting room? I never arrive late, but I am there within 5 minutes of my scheduled time, usually not a minute sooner!

I have been trying to set up an appointment to get my Real ID for months, but the only available time slots seemed to be in Cape May, Camden or Elizabeth. So, when I noticed openings in South Plainfield, I snagged one fast for August 30. I printed out my confirmation and assembled 512 pieces of ID that were enough for everyone at the agency. I hit the road nice and early for my 10:15 appointment, and even though I got lost, I still arrived early. It turns out that I was 2 months early, because the date I had booked was actually October 21! The date on the confirmation I proudly pulled out to show the clerk read October 21. What? How could that be? I knew I had a hold on that date for something important that I had to do so I wouldn’t have scheduled anything at that time. I asked whether they could take me anyway since I was already there, but, no, that would have been way too easy. So, I went home and made another appointment - in November! And forget South Plainfield; I'm heading to Edison and I know exactly where the MVA agency is located.

August 2022 Movies & More

There are plenty of mini-series on this month's list, which is almost all new programs to me. Movies are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, with 5 being at the top. Movies marked with an asterisk are things I had not seen previously. Numbering picks up from previous months.

108.  As We See It* (2022, Prime Video) – This mini-series is a revelation, a look at the lives, loves, accomplishments and disappointments of three 25-year-olds on the autism spectrum sharing an apartment. Sosie Bacon (daughter of Kevin and Kyra Sedgwick) is their aide, helping them accomplish modest goals and steering them into better decisions than they might make on their own by giving them genuine care and love. The three leads are actually on the autism spectrum, and each delivers a stellar performance in portraying the ways their lives are affected. Bacon tries to care for them while making big life decisions of her own, selflessly putting their well-bring first. The series was created and developed by Jason Katims, who worked on two of my favorite series, “Friday Night Lights” and “Parenthood.” Give this one a chance. 4 cans.
109.  The Last Movie Stars* (2022, HBO Max) – Actor Ethan Hawke put together this loving tribute to actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward with a comprehensive look at their lives and work. Newman was widely credited as the bigger star, while Woodward was recognized as the better actor. To create this homage, Hawke took transcripts from audio tapes Newman had recorded with his friend Stanley Stern (which he later, inexplicably, destroyed) and had a variety of actors read them. They reveal two imperfect people: He admittedly drank too much and, although she adored her children, she admitted that having them was detrimental to her career. There is much respect paid here to the craft of acting, but I’m in it for the clips. I think I need to fill in the Woodward collection because God knows I’ve seen almost everything that Newman ever did – minus “The Silver Chalice.” A bit disjointed and sometimes too adoring, this 6-part documentary includes plenty of interviews with their friends and children to round out the picture of the couple as people. 4 cans.
110.  Shania Twain: Not Just a Girl* (2022, Netflix) – Shania Twain exploded on the country music scene in 1995. Soon she was acclaimed as the first true crossover artist as she built a huge following with her pop and rock songs, touring internationally and becoming a global superstar. This Netflix documentary delivers the goods – her many #1 hits, her spectacular live performances, her signature videos. There is just the slightest mention of her divorce from her husband and producer, Mutt Lange, and a look at how she nearly lost her voice because of Lyme disease. Of course, she’s not just a girl. Man, she feels like a woman! 3½ cans.
111.  Broadchurch (2013, PBS) – I can’t believe it has been 9 years since I first got hooked on this British murder mystery series. Danny Lattimer is an 11-year-old boy whose dead body is found on a beach early one morning in the British town of Broadchurch. His family is devastated, the town is shocked at the crime and there are plenty of suspects. David Tennant plays the lead detective, assisted by Olivia Colman, an actress I had never seen before this series. She turns in a flawless performance as a detective and a mother. I’m not going to spoil this whodunit, but I absolutely recommend that you watch it if you can. 4 cans.
112.  All the President’s Men (1976, On Demand) – It has been 50 years since five men hired and bankrolled by a sitting president and his henchmen broke into the Democratic National Headquarters of the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. Looking at that crime through the lens of January 6, 2021, you can’t help seeing frightening comparisons. I think you know whodunit in this one. But have we learned NOTHING since 1972? Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely; and people who support a martinet and refuse to stop him from abusing that power will eventually pay the price. At least we hope so. Redford, Hoffman, Robards – Outstanding movie. 4½ cans.
113.  13 Lives* (2022, Apple TV) – Director Ron Howard puts together the agonizing account of the daring rescue of 12 boys and their soccer coach who were trapped in a cave in Thailand during an unexpected monsoon. The ingenuity and bravery of the rescuers and the young boys makes this a suspenseful film, even if you remember the actual incident. My only gripes are that you have to depend on subtitles since much of the dialog is in Thai language and it was hard to tell who was whom since the divers/rescuers all wore masks and wetsuits. Not Howard’s finest work but still suspenseful. 3 cans.
114.  D.B. Cooper, Where Are You?* (2022, Netflix) – That’s the question the authorities, private investigators and followers of this strange incident have been asking since 1972, when an ordinary looking man boarded a plane headed from Portland to Seattle. He slipped the flight attendant a note demanding $200,000 and four parachutes and, upon landing, took off on another flight, where he simply opened the door and jumped out, never to be seen again. Did he crash to earth and die? Or is he one of several possible men who have been tracked and trailed for years. D.B. Cooper has become a cottage industry, with “Cooper Con” gatherings attended by “Cooperites” who are fascinated with the story and relish doing some amateur sleuthing of their own. Despite the authorities focusing on one or two candidates, the real D.B. Cooper has never been found. And so the story continues. 3½ cans.
115.  The Captain* (2022, ESPN) – Derek Jeter was born to be the shortstop of the New York Yankees, a position he played for his entire major league career. In this 7-part look at his life, there are numerous interviews with players, members of the media, his family and friends – all of which tell you little more than you already knew, and Derek likes it that way. Like the series on basketball legend Michael Jordan, this documentary shows a proud, accomplished man filled with competitive fire who remembers every slight and negative comment anyone made about him. Jeter bristles in the spotlight, freely admitting that he did not want to be the center of attention. He is inherently humble and loyal but spent his career guarded in his approach to the media. Here he is much more candid and forthcoming than he was in interviews with reporters, but here he controls the narrative since he and his agent produced the series. We get to see him in his latest chapter, as a husband and devoted “girl dad.” Not as addictive as Jordan’s “The Last Dance,” still, it is “number 2, Derek Jeter, number 2” (imagine Bob Sheppard’s voice here). 3½ cans.
116.  The Princess* (2022, HBO) – This documentary takes a different approach in recounting the life and death of Princess Diana by using no narration, no host, no script. Instead, the entire program relies on montages of news footage in tracing the woman who-would-be-Queen from a shy 19-year-old to a forlorn 36-year-old, divorced from Prince Charles and her fairytale life – which wasn’t much of a fairytale anyway. There are copious clips of the courtship, the engagement, the marriage and the eclipse of Charles as the popular Princess emerges as a true force and asset for the Royal Family. There are coy shots of Charles’ real love, Camilla Parker-Bowles, slipped in throughout the footage. Included as well are snippets from the graphic tapes of conversations between Charles and Camilla, Princess Di’s interview where she says there were three people in her marriage, and her admission of her own infidelity. Ironically, so much of the footage shows the paparazzi following her every move, including chasing down the car that crashed and killed her 25 years ago in Paris. The outpouring of affection for her following her tragic death was truly heart-warming. She was “the People’s Princess.” 3½ cans.
117.  Citizen Ashe* (2022, HBO Max) – When I started watching this bio of the late Arthur Ashe, I momentarily forgot about him as a tennis player. Hard to believe, since he was iconic as one of the first Black male tennis players to gain prominence and the first to win at Wimbledon. I was thinking of all the things he did outside of tennis with his modest social activism (he certainly wasn’t strident), his community work and how he dealt with AIDS. At 36, Ashe had a heart attack; a subsequent related procedure that required a blood transfusion led to his AIDS. He wasn’t aways an activist because he felt that if he were too aggressive, he and all other Black players would suffer the consequences. This documentary portrays him as he evolved. He and his tennis contemporary, Billie Jean King, became probably the most admired and influential champions of their sport and their impact and reputations continue today. 3½ tennis balls.
118.  The Girlfriend Who Didn’t Exist* (2022, Netflix) – Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o was a force in college football in 2012, a punishing player, a leader, and a candidate for the Heisman Trophy. He led his team to an undefeated season before losing to Alabama in the National Championship game. But Te’o lost more than a game when it was reported that his grandmother and his girlfriend, Lennay Keuka, died on the same day. He was all over the news with reporters clamoring for the sad story. Only Lennay didn’t exist. Huh? Te’o had established an online relationship with what he thought was a beautiful young woman in California. They exchanged text messages and often talked on the phone, just not via Facetime because she always had an excuse. Sure she did, because she was the invention of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a young man who set up one of the greatest “catfishing” schemes ever. Te’o was warm and loving. He and his family got to know Lennay and her “family,” all created by the catfisher. Once he got started, he didn’t know how to stop, so he killed her off. The initial sympathy for the young athlete turned derisive once the news was leaked that she never actually existed. How could he be so badly duped? Was he in on it? What did he know and when did he know it. Tuiasosopo, who now identifies as transgender, tries to evoke sympathy for herself but instead comes across as a manipulative, immature sociopath. Teo’s football career and his life were adversely affected by this charade, where he was a victim. You can’t make this stuff up – except Tuiasosopo did just that. 3½ cans.
119. Selling the OC* (2022, Netflix) – Ever since one of the “Real Housewives” flipped over that table, so-called “reality” TV has been finding ways to create drama among cast members. The sister show to “Selling Sunset” about a real estate agency selling high end homes, this new version moves to beautiful Orange County, California, where homes as high as $106 million are pitched by the realtors for their size, amenities and magnificent views. The agents are good to look at, too, if you like hard-bodied young men and botoxed, plasticized women. The drama here is self-inflicted; who is flirting with whom and who called whom a “bitch” are standard scenarios. Every now and then someone actually sells a house, too. This 8-part limited series has too many cast members – oops, I mean “agents” – to try to keep track of the alliances. But with “Selling Sunset” between seasons, this one had to take up the gap. 2½ cans. But the houses and the views are sensational!
120.  Loot* (2022, Apple TV+) – I don’t watch much on this streaming service, but this erstwhile comedy starring Maya Rudolph sounded like a winner. Rudolph is Molly, who catches her cheating billionaire husband and divorces him, leaving her with a Melinda Gates-sized settlement. Molly discovers that she also gets to run a philanthropic organization that funds promising projects to help the needy around Los Angeles, but she manages to nearly destroy it with her lack of experience or finesse. I won’t bother to give you more details. I should have cashed out of “Loot” way before the 10th and final (one can only hope) episode. I felt short-changed. 2 cans.
121.  My Life as a Rolling Stone* (2022, EPIX) – This 4-part series uses plenty of interviews and years of footage to introduce viewers to the four mainstays of the ultimate rock & roll band, The Rolling Stones. Mick, Keith, Ronnie Wood and Charlie Watts each brought something special to the band. Watching these “biographies” reminded me of their immense contribution to music. If you’re a fan – or even if the Rolling Stones are NOT your favorite band (that would be me, but with massive respect) – you may find their stories as fascinating as I did. 4 cans – one for each Rolling Stone profiled.