Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tina's June Movies

There is a lot of variety in this month's movies, almost all of which I saw for the first time, and none of which really stood out to me, unless you like movies about financial crises and tort reform (which I did, I'll admit). Numbering picks up from May, and new movies are indicated with an *.

JUNE *=First time movie
69. Fire & Ice* – McEnroe/Borg (2011) – This HBO special documents the intense rivalry of tennis players John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg in the early 1980s. McEnroe was the tempestuous upstart, Borg the stoic Swede, and of their memorable matches, none is remembered more than their epic battle at Wimbledon. McEnroe won a nearly interminable 4th set tiebreaker 18-16, but Borg won the 5th set and the Wimbledon trophy. I was a big tennis fan at the time, and I recall that match vividly. Each man would go on to win many championships, but Borg abruptly retired at age 25, leaving McEnroe without a comparable rival but with a lifelong friend. These men and their contrasting styles made tennis a compelling sport in the 1980s, and the fire and ice they brought to the game has been lacking since. 4 cans.
70. Get Him to the Greek* (2010) – Aaron Green (Jonah Hill) is a man with a mission impossible. His task, which he must accept as a low-level lackey for a music company, is to escort rock superstar Aldous Snow (Russell Brand) from London to Los Angeles to perform in a concert intended to revive his flagging career. Along the way the mission becomes an exercise in observing and participating in boorish rock star behavior, with drinking, drugs and women waylaying our heroes from their destination. I endured this movie without laughing even once, because even the few clever references were overshadowed by scenes that were supposed to be funny that I thought were insipid, silly or disgusting. The movie was well played, particularly by Brand as the lonely and self-indulgent caricature of a rock idol and Hill as an affable loser who becomes his friend. I’m just glad I didn’t pay to see this one in the movies. 2½ cans.
71. Play Misty For Me* (1971) – Long-haired, 70s clad DJ David Garver (Clint Eastwood) has an ardent fan in Evelyn (Jessica Walters), who calls him nightly to request that he play “Misty” for her. Actually, she is less an ardent fan than a psychotic lunatic stalker. After a few sexual encounters, Evelyn’s take on their relationship is quite different from Dave’s, and she is determined to make him love her by pulling a bunch of bizarre and scary stunts to get his attention. The laid-back DJ can’t figure out how to discourage or get rid of her as he pursues a relationship with former girlfriend Toby (Donna Mills, sporting the quintessential 70s shag haircut). This movie, directed by Eastwood, portrays him as the strong, silent type, the same kind of character he would go on to play in so many movies. It came long before “Fatal Attraction,” with Glenn Close as a psychotic lunatic woman, but has nearly as much suspense – though not carried out as well (no boiling rabbits on the stove). 4 cans.
72. Love in the Afternoon* (1957) – The lovely Audrey Hepburn is French cello student Ariane, daughter of a detective (Maurice Chevalier). Intrigued by her father’s dossier on middle-aged playboy “Mr. Flanagan” (Gary Cooper), she meets up with the businessman in his hotel and begins an unlikely affair. They listen to music provided by Flanagan’s band of music-playing gypsies and exchange no information about each other, including first names. Of course, she’s read his dossier, so she knows exactly what kind of man he is, but all he knows is that she is a girl whose name begins with the letter A, and he calls her “The Thin Girl” (oh, if only anyone would ever call me that!). She convinces him that she’s been around the block as many times as he has, which makes her even more mysterious and interesting. There is nothing Gary Cooper can do to convince me he is anything other than wooden as an actor, but this is a somewhat amusing charmer from legendary director Billy Wilder and it has an “Ahhhh” ending. 3 cans.
73. The Holiday* (2006) – Unlucky in love Brit Iris (Kate Winslet) and California girl Cameron Diaz swap houses for the Christmas season to escape their problems with men and promptly meet new men in this movie by Nancy Meyer. If only life were that simple. Winslet adapts easily to beautiful Hollywood, making friends with screenwriter Eli Wallach and composer Jack Black. Meanwhile, back at Winslet’s remote English cottage, Diaz has only to open the door to find Iris’ brother, played by Jude Law, stopping by unexpectedly. Guess the rest – go ahead, you can do it. The women are charming, if a little befuddled by their love lives, and the men are too good to be true. (So is Diaz’ wardrobe, if we are to believe all those coats and outfits came out of the one bag she lugs into the house. But I digress.) Overlooking the improbability of it all, I still found this movie satisfying in a chick-flick kind of way. Diaz and Law look sensational, Winslet a little bedraggled and for once Jack Black does not overact. 4 cans.
74. Heart Like A Wheel* (1983) – Bonnie Bedelia portrays the real-life Shirley Muldowney, the first professional female drag racer, in this bio-pic. Supported by her mechanic husband, Shirley sets out to break into the male, good-ole-boy dominated sport after a successful local career as an amateur drag racer on the streets of Schenectady. Fellow racer Connie Kaleta (Beau Bridges) takes more than a professional interest in Shirley’s booming career, setting up the off the track drama. Bedelia’s Shirley is a tough-as-nails woman at the beginning of the age of women’s lib who retains a touch of vulnerability. The whole movie felt a little Lifetime-y to me. 3 cans.
75. Dear John* (2010) – Hunky, hulky Channing Tatum plays John, a special forces soldier on leave from the Army in Charleston when he meets beautiful college student Savannah (Amanda Seyfried). Two weeks is enough for them to fall in love and pledge that they will be together after John's tour of duty is up in a year. But when he decides to reenlist, Savannah makes different plans. This is a typical Nicholas Sparks story, with attractive main characters facing life-changing choices and working hard to make the audience cry. Tatum is handsome but needs elocution lessons, while Seyfried is all doe-eyed innocence as the girl he loves. The acting here is grade B at best, with the exception of the always marvelous Richard Jenkins as Tatum's coin-collecting father. This is a sweet movie, but to me, everything comes in second to Sparks' earlier work, "The Notebook." 3 cans.
76. Too Big to Fail* (2011) – This HBO drama serves to remind us of the financial crisis of 2008. With a large cast (William Hurt, Ed Asner, Paul Giamotti, Mathew Modine, Billy Crudup, Topher Grace) mixed in with actual news reporters on TV, the program combines dramatization and documentary in an effective recounting of the financial crisis that saw Bear Sterns and Lehman Brothers go down. When the Federal Government, led by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen (Hurt) refuses to bail out Lehman, the market begins to crumble and the Feds look desperately to avert a repeat of 1929. This movie is a little tough to follow, with the heads of major banks popping in and out and leaving you to remember who’s who, but it is an interesting story that makes you think about how disaster could be one failure away. In the end, we survived as an economy, but it is disquieting to consider that 10 banks control 77% of assets in the United Sates as a result of the fallout from this crisis. 4 cans, and especially suited for economists.
77. Hotel (1967) – The St. Gregory is the dowager hotel of New Orleans, still elegant but beginning to fade and woefully behind the times in this adaptation of the Arthur Hailey book. Owned by irascible but loyal Melvyn Douglas, the hotel needs investors to keep it from being swallowed up by a chain run by egotistical Kevin McCarthy. There is a large cast of characters in this hotel, led by Rod Taylor as the efficient general manager and brightened by cagey thief Karl Malden (trademark fedora and all). Merle Oberon, shot in soft focus, plays the Duchess in her last movie role. Not a terrible movie, but hardly a grand hotel. Plenty of vacancies here. 3 cans.
78. A Matter of Taste/Serving Up Paul Liebrandt* (2010) – This profile of chef Paul Liebrandt traces the New York career of the young chef, whose level of taste and sophistication exceeds those of the restaurants that employ him. The exacting chef, the youngest to ever garner three stars from The New York Times (at age 24), turns out food that is equal in artistry and taste. When the restaurant where he works is forced by the economy to turn casual, Paul is left making sophisticated burgers. He drifts around the food scene until he teams up with legendary restaurateur Drew Nieporent to create Corton. There we see the long hours, creative vision and dedication required to run a restaurant. As the new establishment gears up and finally opens, Liebrandt and the staff await the review of The New York Times restaurant critic Frank Bruni, whose judgment can make or break the restaurant. I’ll give this documentary 3½ stars, since Liebrandt undoubtedly would find a can of tuna quite offensive.
79. Hot Coffee* (2011) – In reading this review, my sister will roll her eyes and say, “Why would you watch a movie about tort reform?” Well, we all know – or think we know – about the 1994 case where an elderly woman spilled coffee on her lap and sued McDonald’s because the coffee was too hot. Contrary to the lore about the case, it turns out she wasn’t driving at the time and that her legs, shown in the movie, were severely burned. She sued only because McDonald’s refused to cover her medical expenses, and today, as a result, McDonald’s’ coffee is 10 degrees cooler when served. But the judgment against McDonald's started the push for tort reform and capping damages, all led by a clever PR campaign and not by a grassroots push to keep malpractice costs down and doctors in their practices. This HBO documentary presents several heart-rending cases where caps on damages were insufficient to care for people seriously injured by negligence. The piece chides President Bush and his crony, Karl Rove, for their efforts to protect the interests of corporations over the individual. 3½ cans.
80. Going the Distance* (2010) – Erin and Garrett (Drew Barrymore and Justin Long) meet at the Centipede arcade machine and begin a relationship for the remainder of her 6 weeks in New York, before she has to return to Stanford to finish her master’s degree. An aspiring writer, Erin lives with her married sister (a delightful Christina Applegate) while she seeks a newspaper job, waits tables and tries to maintain a long distance relationship with New York-based music flunky Garrett. Will she find a job? Will one of them make the cross-country trip for a visit or a possible permanent move? Could Garrett’s best buddies be any grosser or Erin’s sister any more uptight? These burning questions are examined during the course of this film, starring once upon a time real-life couple Barrymore and Long, whose on-screen chemistry is real even if Drew seems a little long in the tooth for Justin. They’re cute, the movie’s cute, and the supporting players are very strong. There were a few good laughs, but don’t invite me to dinner at her sister’s house. 3½ cans.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Justified

Let’s forget, just for a moment, the old Mark Twain adage, “All generalizations are false, including this one” and examine the shopping habits of men vs. women.

Men, at least many of the ones I know, don’t shop so much as they restock. The old khakis go, you get a new pair. Your t-shirts get ratty, you replace them. When you go on vacation, you buy a couple of shirts with the name of the place you stayed on them and you’re set for years of sartorial summer splendor.

In fact, I actually know men who don’t shop at all. My brother-in-law hasn’t bought himself a single article of clothing – with the possible exception of a baseball cap to go along with his immense collection of this particular kind of item – since he married my sister in 1983. At most, he goes with her if he has to try on pants because even she can’t explain the alterations on the inseam to the tailor (and may I say how unfair it is that there is no tailor waiting for me when I try on pants long enough to make a vest out of the excess material?).

Once my BFF’s son, who was staying with me for the summer while he worked for J&J, went clothes shopping with Aunt Tina, who promised to buy him anything he wanted. We walked out of the store 10 minutes later with two shirts and a couple of pairs of socks. I don’t know if he ever wore the shirts.

But with women, it’s just a bit different. Just look at the phrase “shopping habit.” Habits become addictions for some people, don’t they? And women don’t subscribe to the concept of “need” when it is really a matter of “want.” For women, shopping is “retail therapy,” a way to get some exercise by striding from store to store at the mall and trying on different things it turns out we claim to need but we actually just want.

Take my BFF’s daughters, who Aunt Tina took shopping – for an entire afternoon. They couldn’t decide which skirt/suit/whatever looked best, so we bought multiples, because, well, you know, you need these things, they are a bargain if they are on sale, you don’t know if you will get back to that store again and whether they will have them in stock, and besides, if you take them home and hate them, you can always return them.

At this stage, I’m just happy when clothes fit. If I can find something in a color other than black, I’m ecstatic. But if you fit into clothes easily, the world is your oyster – and every other kind of seafood on the buffet line. Then you have an array of items from which to choose – unless you cannot make the choice – and then the justification begins.

This fill-in-the-blank would be perfect to wear at so-and-so’s wedding. That top exactly matches the shoes you bought last year. This jacket is on sale and marked for clearance.

Women shop for shoes, purses, jewelry, etc., and we can justify anything. That beautiful sweater looks great on you, and you KNOW you already have jewelry to match it, so you really only have to buy the sweater, because you have white pants you can wear with the sweater, so just buying the sweater is a bargain if you consider you have a whole new outfit just by buying the sweater.

If you happen to find a purse that, say, converts into several different styles just by adding the included fancy clasp and by unzipping the attached pouch, it is really like buying multiple purses for one price, so who, I ask you, could pass up that kind of bargain?

Jewelry, too, requires justification. The good stuff is sometimes too good to wear, so you explain to yourself and anyone else who will listen that you will pass it up in favor of sporting the costume jewelry, which after all, is so inexpensive that you can afford to buy much more of it. A bracelet, necklace and ring to match your outfit? Still cheaper than anything by David Yurman for the same outfit, so really, aren’t you actually saving money by buying the costume version?

And then there are the shoes. What woman can pass up that precious pair of perfect pumps that go so well with that outfit, purse and jewelry you just bought? Besides, you can wear the shoes with the outfit to the special event or whatever you happen to have coming up and you won’t need anything else, so you have gotten off cheap, you tell yourself (and anyone else who will listen).

Recently I bought a Jones New York top at Macy’s that was originally $64. I wouldn’t have paid $64 or even half of that. By the time I found it on clearance, it was $9 – and I had a coupon, so it ended up costing me $7 and change. For a $64 top. Please, I HAD to buy it. If I wear it once and throw it out, it still cost me less than a sandwich! Besides, I already had the suit that matched it, and I bought that at half price and with a coupon. I guess men and women have some things in common: Some men like to hunt, and all women love to hunt for bargains.

We women do all this because we want to look our best, and yet, when someone compliments a woman on her outfit, the typical response is more of an explanation: “Oh, just the top is new. I’ve had the rest forever.” Or: “I finally fit back into these clothes so I bought a new pair of earrings to freshen them up.” Or: “This old thing?” Really, wouldn’t a simple “Thank you” be the best possible response?

For some women, spiriting the clothes and accessories into the house and actually wearing them without one’s significant other noticing and objecting requires elaborate plotting. You wait until he is gone to cart in your haul, or you bring one bag in that day and let the others wait patiently in the trunk for another time. And when you wear the new stuff and he notices, you explain either the bargain nature of the purchase, or you claim that this is all old stuff you have had sitting around in the closet forever and that if he ever noticed what you wore he’d know that. So it is his fault, after all.

Besides, all of your purchases contribute to the local economy, so you are really doing something patriotic by shopping.

And if you buy that, I’d like to show you a little bridge in Brooklyn that you can get really cheap…

Monday, June 6, 2011

Slap Happy

I could slap myself for buying the “Slap Chop.” But I don’t blame myself, I blame Vince.

Vince is the extremely convincing host of the Slap Chop infomercial, a little slice of time stolen from your life where you subject yourself to the salesmanship of people like Vince. Vince demonstrates the Slap Chop, which appears to be a handy dandy device that speeds up chopping food for use in salads, etc. At least when Vince uses the Slap Chop, that is.

These “hosts” exist in life to demonstrate all kinds of products you did not know you needed until you saw their wonders on TV. Maybe it is a set of “Sham Wow” rags (not to be confused with MTV’s “Jersey Shore” star J-Woww) that can absorb a bottle of soda from your carpet (J-Woww, on the other hand, can absorb an entire bottle of tequila from your carpet. But I digress…). Or it could be a sandwich maker that you can fill with globs of dough and pie filling to make what at least on TV looks like a yummy dessert. Perhaps it is a pasta maker, either a machine that you fill easily with flour and water that turns out all kinds of homemade pasta noodles or another that you fill with hot water to “cook” the pasta noodles you just made in the other pasta machine.

These pitchmen/women reach you when you are at your most vulnerable. It is 4 a.m., and you have just gotten back into bed after your nightly trip to the bathroom, and you can’t fall asleep, so you turn on the TV, which just happens to be tuned to “Paid Programming.” There you see hair removers, hair restorers, or Ron Popeil and his Showtime Rotisserie. You can’t predict from the 30 minutes you see on TV how infrequently you will use any of these devices, how cumbersome they are to work with or how much space they take up in your cabinets or on your counter. It all seems like such a good idea at the time.

So you try to resist the urge to buy. More than once, I have had to stop myself from reaching for my credit card in the middle of the night to order the entire history of Rock & Roll through Time-Life, a collection that would take literally years to listen to even if I played the music for 8 hours a day.

But you can only resist so long. Because there in the store – be it Bed Bath and Way Beyond or Wal-Mart – you find the section devoted to products “As Seen on TV.” Now you can touch them, feel them, hold them in your hands. And you hear Vince and company extolling their virtues and you remember how you thought you couldn’t live without these items – even though you have spent your entire life without them. And you won’t have to pay shipping and handling, because they are right there. So you succumb. You buy them, take them home and eagerly try them out.

And you are invariably disappointed – in the items themselves and in yourself for your complete lack of willpower. Thank you, P.T. Barnum.

Granted, I never tried to pour an entire bottle of soda on the carpet just to see if the Sham Wow could blot it all up. But it couldn’t seem to clean a much smaller sample size, so odds were not in favor of the soda test. The pasta machine had all the various parts needed to turn out spaghetti, fettuccine, linguine, etc., but came without the warning that poking a paper clip through each of the holes where pasta emerged would be necessary to clean it, and that process would take longer than buying the machine, setting it up, making and eating the pasta. I used it once and sold it in the next neighborhood garage sale. Though I am sure I wasn’t as convincing as Vince, there were eager buyers who hadn’t thought through the cleaning process in advance and were only too willing to take it off my hands for a bargain price.

And then came the Slap Chop. First I tried it on zucchini. You take pieces of whatever you want to chop and place them in the bottom cup on the device or on a cutting board. Then you proceed to “slap” down on the top, which forces the incredibly sharp blades through the food and into the food. In theory, this makes for quick work. In reality – not so much. First, the device itself is so small that you have to cut the food first. Hmm, since the knife and cutting board were already out to do this part of the task, maybe I should have just used them. Second, the food gets stuck in the blade, which is actually one connected piece of metal shaped like a couple of “Ws” linked together. Anything that gets into the angled part of the blade just stays there. OK, I figured it was me. So when I tried it to chop hard boiled eggs for egg salad, I wised up and sprayed the blades with PAM first. Didn’t matter. The yokes were crushed to death, but the white part of the egg was hardly chopped at all. I had to pry the pieces out to make the egg salad, and then had to spend 15 minutes poking out the remains with a wet, soapy paper towel and a knife to clean the device since my sponge wouldn’t fit into the crevices.

Where’s Vince when you need him? Someone has to sell the CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Device, the Mighty Mend-It or the Perfect Brownie Pan. But from now on, Vince and his like can sell all they want, but I won’t be buying. No more Ginsu knives, no more V-Slicers, no Nu-Wave Digital Ovens for me. I’ll just use the knives and gadgets already in the drawer and switch to SportsCenter, huddled up in my Snuggie (no comment), and go back to sleep.