Tales From Quarantinaville

Surely there is a video on YouTube about how to braid your hair.  I’m not there yet, but until I finally get a haircut, I need options.

I put my hair behind my ears for the first time since my senior year in high school.  It didn’t look that good then, either.

My latest shopping list includes headbands, barrettes, scrunchies, rollers and all kinds of hair accessories to help me deal with my new, longish hair.  Not having any hair accessories on hand, I briefly considered using a binder clip, but that notion passed quickly.

My hairstyle is no longer a “hairdo.”  It is more like a “hair don’t.”  It seems to have a mind of its own, deciding one day to go neatly back and other days to flip up behind my neck. 

There should be a new TV series called, “Below the Desk.”  It would feature what people are wearing that we aren’t seeing on Zoom calls.  And thank goodness no one can see the back of my hair!  Even I avoid looking at it, and it isn’t visible on Zoom calls.

And speaking of Zoom calls, where would we be without it, FaceTime and other ways to stay connected?  Virtual church services, cocktail hours, reunions, meetings – you name it – are being conducted on these various platforms.  Hey, they didn’t have this in the 1918 flu pandemic, so let’s consider ourselves lucky!

Throughout the quarantine, I have tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy by continuing to make my bed each day, shower and wash my hair and put on a spritz of perfume.  The other day I spritzed on a bit too much before a Zoom call, but I don’t think anyone on the call noticed.

I washed my custom-made facemask and it came out wrinkled.  I thought about ironing it, and then realized that when I wore it again I would be the “Girl in the Ironed Mask.”

One thing I no longer worry about are road construction alerts. I’m not going anywhere anyway.

I have been hearing TV commercials for a Senior Dating site.  Sure, at this age, nobody wants to get dressed and go out, but is this really the time to try to meet a life partner?  Maybe people are lonely and more likely to go online to meet someone right now, but if he’s not taking me out to dinner – not a take-out, drive-by dinner – this relationship is OVER before it begins!

I have never been much of a drinker, and never at home.  Until now.  Now I can whip up a refreshing smoothie with frozen strawberries, some cling peaches, a shot of rum and some peach schnapps and be happy the rest of the day.  Another bad habit of the quarantine.

The sales of lipstick must have nosedived during this pandemic. Not only are we not going anywhere (except to attend Zoom meetings), but everyone who goes out is wearing a mask.  Or should be.  (Don’t get me started…)

The magazine and newspaper business already was on the decline. Now, with reading materials being banned from waiting rooms – where there actually ARE waiting rooms – their business will suffer even more.

Now that we are routinely wearing masks – or SHOULD BE! – we will have to rely on our eyes and eyebrows to communicate.  I wear a hat and glasses, so you can’t see much of my face at all.

Even though I have been faithfully wearing a mask since before it was required on those rare occasions when I leave my house (including when I take a walk), it is still hard to get used to seeing everyone in ShopRite with masks on.  I don’t see any time in the next few months when we won’t be wearing them.

I saw a video shot in a Staten Island supermarket where everyone was wearing a mask except one lone woman, and the crowd viciously called her out for it.  This is New York, after all, where people say what is on their minds – loudly and in no uncertain terms.  That woman – who was wrong to show up in a store without a facial covering – must have really needed a drink when she got home after practically being thrown out of the store.  She probably still needed groceries, too!

Whoever invented the break-and-bake cookie should get the Nobel Prize.  They have one for baking, right?

One of my friends pointed out that now she really could put things off until tomorrow instead of doing them today since she would be home with time on her hands.

Now we are told that we need to clean our glasses, because the sneaky coronavirus can get on them and easily be transmitted into our eyes when we touch our faces.  Can hazmat suits be far behind?  I just ordered a UV cleaner for my glasses and cell phone, another object prone to attract the cooties.  This all makes sense, but wow, it is like playing Whack-A-Mole.  You just keep trying, I guess.

And then I read that you should not keep adjusting or touching your mask as you wear it, just in case the virus is living on the outside.  Another thing to think about.

Given the sameness of each day of quarantine, I now understand Maggie Smith's line in Downton Abbey when Matthew Crawley says he can do something on the weekend.  The privileged dowager countess queries: “What is a weekend?”

In the past week I have watched random episodes of “The Donna Reed Show” (that Paul Petersen was cute!), “Bosom Buddies” with Tom Hanks and Peter Scolari, “Family” with Sada Thompson, “The Good Wife,” Season 1 and “The Bob Newhart Show.”  I’m not stuck in any particular decade, but I seem to be stuck somewhere in the past, at least in my choice of entertainment. 

When I see reports of people in other places cavorting at the beach or a bar, I’m not sure whether  to feel disdain and disappointment, jealousy or pity for when someone in the crowd gets or transmits the virus to a loved one. I know I feel sorry for the health care workers who will have to care for the patients they or their loved ones become.

You know we are still in lockdown when one of the leading stories on ESPN is the score of a rugby match in New Zealand.

My friends were planning a gathering at a local restaurant with outside seating, but I have already decided not to go.  I am afraid of the risk from interacting with the wait staff, of people moving around and not able to stay 6 feet away, of sitting in chairs previously occupied, and don’t get me started on the rest room situation.  I’ll reluctantly pass.

Recently I had to have blood work done.  Just going into the lab, trying not to touch a doorknob or handrail and having to take a seat for the blood to be drawn was scary to me.  When they asked me to provide a urine sample, I had to say no because I did not want to use a public bathroom, so the tech gave me a container to use at home and bring back.  You really have to think about EVERYTHING.

After more than 3 months in isolation, I have come to the conclusion that every day may not be a productive one.  I can’t write, edit and publish humorous material every day.  Yes, the house could be cleaner, but the lack of productivity is a result of the onset of the frustrating sense of sameness that permeates each day.  This isn’t easy, but I didn’t know it would be this hard, even for someone who has always lived alone as an adult.

Even so, most days seem to fly by, and I look at the clock at 4 and I wonder where the time went!

It just doesn’t feel right to provide this level of frivolity about our COVID-19 quarantine situation without acknowledging that more than 100,000 people have died in this country as a result of this pandemic.  I understand that everyone wants things to return to “normal” so they can live their lives, get back to work, eat in a restaurant, get their nails done and have their hair cut again.  I do, too, but I will continue to stay home as much as possible and follow every precaution recommended.  The job of placing, easing, and lifting restrictions is a difficult decision for our government officials and the medical experts they should be relying on.  This situation is unprecedented, and our government officials are not going to get everything right.  No one wants to see small businesses suffer any more.  We all want to experience an economy with full employment and thriving businesses.  But how many lives are we willing to sacrifice so that you can get your hair colored?  Is it wise to go out in public without a mask in places where masks are not required but only recommended?  Are we still in the first wave of this virus and can we expect a second wave?  When, and how bad will that be?  So many questions and so few answers.  Meanwhile, more than 100,000 husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters have died as a result of an epidemic that no one could have anticipated but which could have been better handled by those in charge – and it wasn’t.