Signs of the Times - October, 2007

Remember the good old days, when practically the only restriction inhibiting us was “Keep Off the Grass?” Those days are long gone. Now, even a walk on grass (where permitted, of course) is accompanied by reading material, instructing you what to do with dog waste, the hours of the park, where you can park your car to go for a walk, where to deposit your non-dog trash, ad nauseum.

I recently saw a sign at a strip mall that read, “No skating, skateboarding, heelies, shoes with wheels, no littering or loitering.” I guess they forgot the “No fun” warning. Or they could simply have said, “Welcome senior citizens.”

Read fast when you are driving, or you might be in the express lane with no chance to exit, or you might be in the EZ Pass lane without EZ Pass on your windshield. Or, God forbid, you might be enjoying a leisurely ride in the carpool lane outside posted hours. When you park, make sure it isn’t in a “No Parking, Stopping or Standing Zone.” If your car breaks down, don’t do it on the highway where there are “No Shoulder” signs. And if you have to use a restroom on the road, beware the rest stops that warn “No Facilities Available.” I guess when they say rest stop, they really mean REST.

For that matter, if you do find a bathroom, please heed the instructions. Place your hands under the faucet to get the water to start, and under the paper towel dispenser to grab a towel for drying them – unless there is a dryer, and when you must “Shake off excess water and rub hands quickly to dry” (by the way, this never works for me). Don’t flush the sanitary products: “Dispose of Sanitary Products in Receptacles” at all times.

If you are at the doctor’s office, there’s no need to worry about having enough reading material while you wait. Just read the plethora of signs posted around the office windows. “Payment Is Expected at Time of Service.” Translation: “Give us your money and then you can sit down and wait an hour. That way, if you get fed up and leave, we have your co-pay.” If you are stuck there waiting, don’t even think about using your cell phone to let someone know, because “Cell Phone Use is Prohibited.” And you better show up with your referral, because “You Are Responsible for Obtaining Your Referral in Advance of Your Appointment.” While you’re at it, you had better be sure you “Notify Us of Any Changes in Your Insurance,” and, if you need a prescription refilled, at least one doctor’s office I visit advises you to ask for the RX live and in person, because “We No Longer Call or Fax Prescriptions to the Druggist.” But my favorite sign, in the same office, was one that warmly welcomed patients, with “Please Sign In and Take a Seat. You May Not Ask a Question Until Your Name Is Called.” No bedside manner in this place, unless you count the word “Please.” So let me get this straight: I have to show up, sign-in, not speak, have my referral and the names (and dosages) of any drugs I need with me, pay in advance, give them my insurance information and not talk on my cell phone. I barely had time to read everything before they called me in. In fact, it took more time for me to read the posted signs than to see the doctor.

I picture a future in which we find a sign that says: “Please Line Up Here to Wait for the Apocalypse.” On second thought, it may be too late.