Why didn’t Rob Petrie (Dick Van Dyke) just move that ottoman so he wouldn’t trip over it every time he came in the door?
Is it just me, or are you seeing an upswing in the amount of SPAM mail you are getting these days? Medium Ron is all over me for seeing my future. JDate wants to fix me up, but so does Christian Mingle, so I predict a brutal competition over my single status ahead. On the same day I can receive messages regarding life insurance and burials, a sobering glimpse of reality. Yet, if I get the ace toenail fungus remover offered, maybe my health will improve, unless that nasty prostate problem fares up that someone keeps bringing to my attention. If so, maybe Medium Ron or Clairvoyant Chris can give me some insight into whether my health will improve.
I think I’d like to get into Taylor Swift’s squad. She hangs around with young models and singers and celebrities and they go to cool places and seem like they are having a blast. And, according to her song, she has a blank space, so I think she should write my name.
I’d love to get one of those cool hover boards, but I’d probably have to ride it down the hallways of the hospital, because that’s where I’d end up, trying to ride a hover board in the first place.
How to feel like an idiot: Taking your shopping cart down the wrong aisle in the parking lot and having to drag it over the median so you can get to the right row. Or parking your car in the same lot as usual at the mall and coming out of the wrong door and getting frantic because you can’t find it and you are convinced it has been stolen. Right. The only thing actually missing is my brain.
I think I just pulled a muscle watching “So You Think You Can Dance.” And, by the way, I don’t think I can dance. In fact, I’m certain about that.
I don’t want to say I have idiosyncrasies (I’ll let my BFF attest to that), but I can’t put the thermostat on an odd number. It can be on 68, but never 67. I can live with 70, but 71 is unacceptable.
Last month I confessed to not being able to identify which Olsen twin is which. Now I will own up to not remembering the difference between Jason Segal, Will Farrell, Zach Galafal… and Vince Vaughn. I think I can identify Vince the best. But the others? I remain confused, and I don’t really care.
I watch so much HGTV that unless news that the world ended is on “House Hunters” or “Property Brothers,” I probably won’t know.
On the (long) list of “Things That Annoy Me” is when someone leaves an “Out of Office” message on their voice or e-mail that you hear or see days/weeks after they were supposed to return. The Tax office in town has a message on its machine saying that tax bills are payable August 1. Hello, it is November.
Another of my pet peeves is finding other people’s garbage in (the only available) shopping cart. Please, people, don’t leave your drink cup, your dirty tissues and your shopping list behind. There are garbage cans all over: Use them!
I am now the owner of a smart TV. The non-smart ones were already surpassing my technological capabilities, but this one may truly exceed my reach. It can do everything, so if I really want to see Facebook in a 60” format, I can. But do I? And, in doing research on what TV to buy, I learned one important thing: Last year’s top-of-line-line models are perfectly fine for this year. You do not need to be on the leading edge to get a really great TV. And it is cheaper NOT to go with the latest bells and whistles when last year’s model will suffice.
What’s more unsettling than hearing the repair man or installer start to sigh, swear and breathe heavily, showing frustration or being perplexed by the issue at hand? Then you know this problem is going to be yours, and it won’t be cheap to resolve.
What exactly is an “occasional table?” Are there times when it becomes something other than a table? Or is it for use only for special occasions?
Is every day a special day? I fully support the salutes to Breast Cancer Awareness and to honoring our veterans. But National Handbag Day? National Ice Cream Day? Who decides these things? Who gets petitioned for the declaration? Or do Hallmark and the purveyors of these goods and services simply capitalize on our gullibility? And why is there no Tina Gordon Day? On the other hand, I could be persuaded to celebrate National Chocolate Day, which takes place on my birthday (October 28). I just think it should be renamed.
Why are yawns contagious? If you yawn, chances are that I will, too. And if I sneeze once, I will most likely sneeze again.
I’ll take the category of Most Futile Jobs in America for $200. The answer is the poor guy who valiantly drives the Zamboni-like street sweeper around my Canal Walk neighborhood. This place is a war zone – I mean, construction site – so trying to eradicate the dirt and mud is impossible. Hey, they are paying the guy whether the streets end up clean or not, so drive on, brother.
Why do we pronounce the word VINE with a long “I” but add YARD and it becomes VIN?
I’m watching my umpteenth season of TV’s “Survivor” and it occurs to me that I don’t like many of the people, appreciate but don’t like the strategy and backstabbing and I would not last one minute as a competitor on that show. One glimpse of bats or being asking to eat a pig snout would drive me right off that island, and so would having to be on camera for 39 days wearing a bathing suit. Thankfully, no one is recruiting me to be on the show.
I’m in the midst of a “Gilmore Girls” marathon, thanks to my young alumnae friends who thrive on the series (seven seasons, 154 episodes, and I’m only on episode 11 of season 2) and encouraged me (insisted, really) to watch it. The premise is the relationship between quirky mother and daughter Lorelai and Rory, who are best friends and who share quips and obscure references. Lorelai just noted that her estranged mother might be responsible for Lily Tomlin’s making “that movie with John Travolta,” which I immediately identified as the truly awful “Moment By Moment.” (Travolta plays a young drifter, Tomlin is an older woman and they look like brother and sister, so the sex scenes are not only hard to fathom but disturbing, to say the least.) So now Lorelai is my new hero (or, more accurately, the writers are) for knowing “that movie.” And Gilmore Girls is ascending the list of TV shows I love.
The letters on my keyboard are too close together, which means that when I type the letter “a,” I also (accidentally, because of the proximity) hit the CAPS LOCK, and, before I realize it, I’m typing in all CAPS, WHICH IS THE EQUIVALENT OF SHOUTING. DAMN IT.
Among the many things I like about my new house is that my master bath is so much closer to the water heater than in my old house that I get hot water in the sink almost instantaneously. In the previous abode, I could turn on the water and let it run while I brushed my teeth and it would just start getting warm when I was done. This situation is so much better and I don’t feel guilty for wasting water.
Moment of sheer panic: Bed, Bath & Beyond has announced it will scale back its distribution of those ubiquitous blue coupons – you know, the coupons as large as a hand towel in some cases. They have been around forever and never expire, so some of us have stockpiled them. I can easily use seven at a time, and, with a new house, I have done that on several occasions. It’s a good thing I still have a stash!
Whenever I see an e-mail about an on-line sale or coupon at Kohl’s or Shutterfly that I have to hurry up and use before it expires: “Hurry – Last day!” – I have to tell myself to chill, because another sale or coupon will be available within two days. I’m not sure it is possible to buy anything at so-called full price at Kohl’s. And why would I?
Doesn’t it drive you crazy when you can hear one big crumb rattling around in the toaster but no amount of shaking the toaster can coax it out? Or is that just me?
I was in New York the other day and the weather was colder than I expected, so I got off the train, walked into Macy’s and bought a new coat. The funny thing is that this is not the first time I have done this. But both times the coats were on sale, I had a coupon, and I found something that fit me perfectly. It was meant to be. Then there was that time I was getting out of the car at Macy’s and a button popped off my coat. I went inside and bought a new one. I never could sew.
Seriously, what is better than Amazon (and not just because my nephew manages the night shift at one of their distribution centers in Chicago)? If you need or want practically anything, you can find it and buy it on Amazon via computer, phone or tablet. And if you have Amazon Prime (for an annual fee), they will ship it to you free and you will get it in two days. This week I needed printer ink. I found an old order, replicated it and they promised to donate money to the Associate Alumnae of Douglass College to thank me through the Smile.Amazon.com program. Two days later – as promised – it arrived. And though there was no mail today (Veterans Day), I got a message that the package had been delivered. I can walk from my home office to the door in a few steps. Unless I happen to be at Staples anyway and happen to remember that I might need ink, there is no way buying some could be easier. Thanks, Amazon. You make me smile.
Finally, I have had a very busy few months, devoting considerable time to the Associate Alumnae of Douglass College and to my move to my new home. But now trying to see me just got even tougher, as the new season of Rutgers Women’s Basketball tipped off on Friday the 13th (with a win). See you in April.