Sunday, December 16, 2012

Hostess With the Mostest

I had a moment of absolute panic recently amid the news reports of the demise of Hostess and Drakes. 

Growing up, after the Dugan man stopped delivering those super-sweet cupcakes along with our Dugan bread (for my Bumble Bee Tuna, natch), we turned to Hostess and Drakes.  Ah, Hostess Cupcakes, those iconic chocolate confectionery dreams, stuffed with that yummy cream filling and topped with chocolate icing and that ubiquitous squiggle of white.  Not that I would turn down a TastyKake, mind you, but to me, Hostess was the top of the food pyramid.  I was never a Twinkie eater, but those chocolate cupcakes conjure up sweet memories of my youth. 

And then there were Drakes cakes.  To this day, my former colleague Karen Louis knows never, ever, to utter those two words that drive me crazy:  “Devil Dogs.”  They came in a box and I’m sure more than once I ate the entire contents in a day.  I’ll admit that the chocolate cake part is really not what could be considered high quality, but those two slabs of cake surrounding that layer of “cream” – if that was actually what it was – made the concoction irresistible.  If you wanted a luscious outer layer of “icing,” you bought Yodels or Ring Dings.  Strangely, I never bought the Hostess equivalents of either of those delicious snacks.  As an adult, whenever I went to the Perryville Inn for dinner I always ordered their homemade version of the Ring Ding.  Put in my dessert order first, please.

Now Hostess Brands, which includes Drakes as well as Wonder Bread (remember “Builds strong bodies 12 ways”?) is up for sale.  Granted, I haven’t bought any of their products in years –first guilt and then Weight Watchers persuaded me to forgo these devilish treats – but should I cash in the IRA, sell the house and car and all my holdings to buy the company? 

When news reports of the demise of the Twinkie surfaced, people began stocking up on the snack cakes, even hoarding them, either to enjoy eating them or to resell them on E-Bay.  A collectors market?  These foods wouldn’t even need expiration dates in my house.  I hope someone decides to pick them up and continue producing them, and that they also provide jobs for their workers.

Last year I saw a documentary called, “No Contract, No Cookies” about the loyal workers at the Stella D’Oro factory in the Bronx who were about to be fired in a cost saving move.  Ultimately, the company sold the plant, put all of the workers out of work and moved to another state.  I haven’t eaten a Stella D’Oro since – mostly in protest.  In fact, maybe it would be better for me if Hostess did go out of business so that no Devil Dog would ever again tempt me.

But a buyer is bound to come forth.  I just hope it isn’t that interloper, Little Debbie.  I was in my local ShopRite (extensive research goes into each of my essays, as you can tell) and couldn’t help noticing that she has taken over the design of each of my favorite treats.  She thinks we won’t notice that her “Swiss Roll” is a Yodel rip-off.  Sure, she has the face of an angel, but Debbie has been hard at work, carefully copying the squiggle on Hostess for her own cupcakes and filling them with cream.  How dare she?  Trademark violation, anyone?  The display was filled with more copycat items:  Devil Squares (instead of Devil Dogs?  Come on, Debbie, we see right through you and the shape isn’t fooling us.), Marshmallow Pies (are you listening, Nabisco?  These are your Malomars!) and even a few items I don’t know whom she is ripping off.  Granted, I have never tried any of Debbie’s handiwork, and now I can’t even if I wanted to (principle and poundage).  But I take umbrage nonetheless.

Little Debbie smiles sweetly on the package, wearing a straw hat and looking like an escapee from the 1950s.  As it turns out, that’s just what she is.  Back in the early 60s the McKee Foods founder named the brand after his 4-year old granddaughter and used her picture.  Let’s hope her trust fund reflects this decision.  OK, she’s not some Debbie-come-lately, but where does she get off copying my favorite brands? 

The irony will be if McKee Foods buys Hostess and Little Debbie Cupcakes and Hostess become one and the same.  And therein lies my conundrum.  Do I buy or do I not buy the old or new Hostess products or Little Debbie Cupcakes?  With my Weight Watchers weigh-in taking place every Tuesday, I think this is more a theoretical issue that an actual one.  I haven’t had a Hostess Cupcake in years, and I can’t start now.

But ah, those sweet memories…