Random Ramblings - December, 2008

With apologies to Andy Rooney and Sarah Palin fans, I thought I’d provide a potpourri of prose this month, getting a few things off my chest.

Though the only pets I have are pet peeves, I think I am in love with Cesar Milan, better known as “The Dog Whisperer.” That man can take a lunatic lab, practically foaming at the mouth, and lovingly train it – in minutes – to understand the “pack mentality” and the role of the “alpha dog.” Mind you, I’m not sure I understand this lingo, but it seems to work for Cesar and the incorrigible dogs he takes on. Personally, I think Obama should have named him Secretary of State. He’d get the incorrigible nations of the world all straightened out. Check out his show on the National Geographic channel.

Speaking of cable, if you always feel confused by your insurance policies, then I defy you to decipher your cable bill. There are tiers, digital tiers, digital classics, sports packages – all intertwined in a way designed to make it impossible to understand. Once I called cable to drop HBO from my package, thereby saving $13 a month. Because the HBO cost was connected to the cost of other packages, and the phones and the internet, it would have cost me more to drop it than to keep it. Recently I called Comcast again to see how I could reduce the cost of my cable/internet/phone package – which now runs $200+ a month – and I was told to call back in a few weeks, after the new prices go into effect. Jeez, my first apartment cost about the same ($236 a month) as my cable bill today. And did I mention there still nothing on (hence my newfound appreciation of “The Dog Whisperer”)?

I also don’t understand the concept of going out to a club at 3 or 4 in the morning, armed with a gun. If I am going anywhere at that hour, it is a trip to the bathroom, and I am unarmed. So I have little sympathy for (former) Giants football player Plaxico Burress, who accidentally shot himself in the thigh with his own (unregistered) gun. Hey, it could have been much worse, right? The ignominy of shooting off a body part should be enough to dissuade most people from carrying guns. I think this is why Andy Griffith let Barney carry a gun but never gave him a bullet.

Yes, it seems I may have too much time on my hands, but I don’t understand why anyone, including Heidi, can tolerate the odious Spencer Pratt on “The Hills.” If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother. I think Plaxico should have pointed the gun at him.

And speaking of shooting…if the Republicans want to continue shooting themselves in the foot, Sarah Palin is just the “gal” to do it for them, you betcha. Where was her communications person as she pardoned a turkey for Thanksgiving with the unlucky birds being slaughtered in the background?

Kohl’s had a sale today. Then again, a day without a Kohl’s sale would be like a day without sunshine. If I recycled only fliers from Kohl’s, I would save a forest worth of trees each year.

The beauty of being retired is that if I am sick and call the doctor and the nurse says, “Can you come in at 11 today?” I can. I no longer have to schedule illnesses and toothaches over the holidays. I can get sick any time now!

Under the category of “Driving Miss Daisy Crazy,” if you are going to ride on the right as the lanes merge and cut me off, then just move over, will you? Don’t keep staying to the right once I have conceded the space. If you are going to pull out in front of me, for God’s sake don’t slow down! And finally in this category, how does the light near my house know that I am coming and instantly turn red as I approach that intersection? I swear it happens every single time.

I sometimes feel like I am about two days away from hopping on the Senior Citizens bus. So I joined Facebook, persuaded by a young former colleague, so I could be cool and “with it.” But Facebook demands to know “What are you doing right now?” I notice that my friends are trending somewhat older than the typical Facebook demographic, as they answer that question with “I am going to bed,” “I am exhausted,” and other equally exciting news.

I still can’t figure out why the rug near my bed keeps creeping under the bed. What’s up with that?

Could the coupons from Bed, Bath and Beyond be any larger? I have bought towels there that weren’t that big. One came in the mail yesterday that was literally 8 x 10. I think I’ll frame it.

I had a dream about eyebrows. Mine suddenly got thick and overgrown and had to be trimmed back, which made me look like Groucho Marx. Make mental note: Do not watch Andy Rooney before going to bed. Then, the following week, Andy Rooney says on “60 Minutes” that someone wrote in to praise him for trimming his eyebrows, which he swears he’s never had done (and I believe him). I hope this doesn’t mean another eyebrow nightmare for me.

Finally, I have been thinking about all the great things that have been invented during my lifetime. So, with apologies to Thomas Edison, whose electric light bulb is pretty darn useful, here’s my top five list of inventions:

5. Microwave – Heating, reheating, whatever, this device really cuts down time in the kitchen. I’m so spoiled by the microwave that when the package directions say, “Heat on high for 10 minutes,” I can help saying, “Do they think I have all day?”

4. Cell phone/cordless phones – Remember that shoebox-sized cell phone Michael Douglas used on the beach during “Wall Street?” And we thought that was an advance! The freedom to have inane and unnecessary conversations in inappropriate places notwithstanding, going wireless comes in really handy.

3. iPod – We’ve come a long way since I listened to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons on my Sears Silvertone transistor radio. I’m still amazed I can cart around my entire record collection on a device that fits in my pocket.

2. Cable TV and the Digital Video Recorder – I had cable TV installed on my 35th birthday, the earliest it was offered where I lived at that time. I had a birthday party that night and couldn’t wait til everyone left so I could watch cable. Now, I can’t imagine life without my DVR. Controlling what I watch and when I watch it is great.

1. The Gift bag – See, it’s not all about high tech. Really, isn’t it better to slide the gift in a bag and stuff it with tissue paper than all that wrapping and taping, especially with large or odd-shaped gifts? You gotta love the gift bag.

And with that, happy wrapping and happy holidays to all.