I got a call recently from a company doing a survey, and the woman launched immediately into a question about the number of people in my household. I countered with a question of my own: "What is this survey about?" She said she couldn't tell me the sponsor, but I told her I wasn't interested in the sponsor, just in the nature of the questions so I would know whether answering them was worth my time. She said it was a matter of national interest. Politics? Religion? Environmental affairs? She said she didn't know the answer to my question. So, someone is calling to ask me questions in a survey and she doesn't know the nature of the questions? I'll pass, I told her.
Speaking of unwanted phone calls, is anything more annoying than the robocalls that tell you there is nothing wrong with your credit card but that they want to talk to you about getting a lower rate? Once I actually pressed the key to speak with a rep to tell him that it is illegal to call someone on the Do Not Call list and I wasn't interested in the services of his company. He wouldn't give me the name of the company or let me speak to a manager. Instead, he launched into a string of profanity the likes of which was rather startling. Rather than hang up, I proceeded to goad him by complimenting him on his colorful vocabulary, asking him if he had to undergo special training to master this impressive skill and telling him that his parents must be so proud of the career he was pursuing. All the while he kept insisting I should perform physically impossible activities. I think if I were him, I'd rather take tolls at the Lincoln Tunnel. I don't think there's much of a future in his line of work.
Before I went on Weight Watchers, I used to crave chocolate. Now I crave fruit. And chocolate. But not together, please.
“The Hunger Games” has a whole different meaning in this house, though it is all about survival in our respective worlds. Eat less, move more.
One of the advantages to losing weight - and there are too many to list - is that I can now throw my clothes in the dryer and not worry that they will shrink. In fact, I actually have to throw some things in and hope they WILL shrink, or they will be too big for me after one wearing. I know now that when I buy new things to keep the tags on so I can always take them back if they are too big by the time I am ready to wear them. Kohl’s is especially good about returns.
How did my iron ever fit in the original box? I store it in there now and despite working every angle, it is impossible to get it back neatly into the box. How did it come that way?
Why is the hair on my legs so much more noticeable when I have no access to a razor? I can sit by the pool and count all the strays I missed when I shaved them the last time. Not that I can remember when that was.
Do you ever get a song running through your head that drives you crazy? They call them "earworms," I'm told. Today I had two: "Ring My Bell" (probably because it is played while I do aqua aerobics) and Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative" (probably because while exercising to "Ring My Bell" we discussed perogies. Get it?).
There is so little food in my house sometimes that when I open the refrigerator, it looks as if I either am moving that day or just moved in.
I don't watch golf on TV, but I caught the end of a tournament recently. I don't understand how the golfers can tell where the ball lands when they are so far away from it. Is it the roar of the crowd? The crowd would roar for a good shot, but how can you tell if the shot is merely good or if it goes into the hole? Especially if it curves 40 feet and lands completely outside your line of sight.
Are you still using the knives, kitchen gadgets and towels you got as shower gifts or when you first moved out on your own? If so, isn't it time to replace them? You don't need a bridal shower to venture into the housewares section on your own and step up your game. BTW, the things I most often use in my kitchen are a pair of tongs and a spatula when I am cooking, cutting boards (individually designated for fruit, vegetables or chicken), and a spreader, which tells me I eat too many carbs if I am always spreading something on them.
I am busy walking outside these days, but even there, I have my rules. I don't like to backtrack. I have to find routes that let me keep walking but without turning around and passing the same way going home. Don't think this is easy. I do the same thing in the supermarket. No backtracking allowed.
When I was young, all kids wanted to be firemen or teachers or baseball players. I wonder if today's kids aspire to work for a paper shredding company or a storage facility.
What happens to all those houses with solar panels when there is no sun? No heat? No electricity? How about the street lights? Is that why Hillsborough seems so dark at night?
Speaking of night, here's some advice: Don't get locked out of your house at night. The locksmith who comes to help you has you over a barrel. It's not like I wanted to spend the night on my front porch, and it's not like I went out for a walk without my key. The front doorknob lock just froze, stranding me with - thankfully - a cell phone. $400 later, I was in, the lock was replaced and rekeyed to work with the existing deadbolt and key and all is well. But the next time I get locked out, I'll try to do it during the daytime.
Whatever happened to mail boxes? I walk all over my side of town, up and down numerous residential streets, and I have yet to find one. Meanwhile, the local post office here in Hillsborough isn't open for business until 10 AM. Really? Yes, you can throw a letter into the mailbox in the parking lot, but don't try to go inside to mail a package on your way to work. I know the USPS is in financial straits, but if the post office isn't open convenient hours, people will find another way to mail their packages. And that won't put $ in the coffers of the USPS. I just said that so I could use the word "coffers."
Is your brother-in-law's brother also your brother-in-law - but once removed - or do you simply refer to him as my brother-in-law's brother?
I can't believe I have been out of college for 40 years. How is that possible when I am so young?
What's with all these stink bugs? They are the slowest bugs I have ever seen. I'll find them hanging on the edge of a lamp or crawling slowly across the floor, making it easy to scoop them up and give them a ride to the toilet. If you crush them, they live up to their names and STINK. I pay the exterminator over $300 to spray the house to keep them out. I don't know where they came from, but I wish they'd go back.
Everybody cleans the house the day before the cleaning lady comes, right?
I've lived in this house for 5 years now and still am not used to all the noises. The humming refrigerator, the busy ice maker, the wine fridge, the attic fan, the furnace/air conditioner - and that's not counting the washer, the dryer, and the birds and the crickets. It's no wonder I have trouble sleeping.
My sister and I had a recent conversation about pillow tickings. Do people even know what they are (they are pillow covers that zip over your pillow to protect it. From what, I’m not sure.) We use them, wash them and swear by them to protect our pillows, but I wonder, do young people know what they are? Do people still have them/buy them/wash them/use them? Wow, I do have too much time on my hands.
Have you seen the gigantic eyeglasses athletes and stars are wearing these days? I have a few old pairs that are the size of a windshield but not nearly the contemporary style, so I can't wear them. Why do I still have them? I have no idea.
To me, wearing a hat is a commitment. Once I put one on – which I do every time I go out for a walk – I know my hair will be affected in some way, and probably not in a flattering way at that. So once I wear a hat, I have to wear it the rest of the day. It’s a commitment.
If the 80s ever come back, I am ready. I have lots of double-breasted suits with pleated pants and huge (football player huge) shoulders. If they ever remake the TV show “Dynasty,” they can put me in charge of wardrobe.
I use I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (Light), but, unfortunately, I can.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Tina's August Movies
Between the Olympics and social obligations, I only had a chance to see 7 movies in August, including two on Lifetime TV, thereby breaking my rule against watching movies with commercial interruptions. Next month I will try to do a better job. Numbering picks up from the previous month, and movies marked with a * are ones I haven't seen previously.
89. In & Out (1997) – Kevin Kline stars in this funny farce about a high school teacher/drama coach who is “outed” at the Oscars by a former student who wins the award for best actor (and the scenes of his movie are hilariously bad). About to marry a fellow teacher (Joan Cusak, who almost steals the show), Kline vehemently denies the charge that he is gay, though he is forced to examine his love for all things Streisand and whether he can forego dancing to “I Will Survive.” Tom Selleck, a TV reporter assigned to the story in rural Greenleaf, Indiana, reveals that he, too, is gay. Debbie Reynolds and Wilfred Brimley play Kline’s parents and Matt Dillon is the Oscar-winning actor in a story that poses the question, “Is everybody gay?” All I know is that everyone is laughing, because this is a funny and charming movie. 4 cans.
90. Hope Springs* (2012) – Whenever there is a Meryl Streep movie out, you go to see it full of hope that it will be memorable, outstanding and entertaining. “Hope Springs” qualifies on the lowest rung of that scale. Meryl and Tommy Lee Jones are an old married couple in this “romantic” comedy, going through the motions of a dull and drab life together in their empty nest. He comes down for the same breakfast every day and silently reads the headlines while she serves him. In the evenings, he falls asleep in the recliner watching the Golf Channel before retreating to his bed in the guest room, while she pines for intimacy, romance and any conversation that doesn’t involve someone’s tax returns. Realizing they need help, she signs them up for a $4000 week of couples therapy in Maine, which he insists is not only completely unnecessary – isn’t the fact that they have been married 31 years enough to show they have a successful marriage, he ponders – but way too expensive. She decides to go anyway, and he reluctantly joins her. Steve Carrell is completely wasted in the role of the sincere and helpful therapist who gets the recalcitrant couple to do things they haven’t done in years – and possibly ever (and I was more that a little uncomfortable watching Meryl stoop to some of the assignments). I wish there had been more comedy here – can you imagine Bob Newhart as the therapist? – but any movie with Meryl starts with at least one can. Jones is a good match for her, as grumpy as she is sincere, but overall, despite a few humorous moments, there is a lot of pain to witness here. OK, but not great. Sorry, Meryl. 3½ cans.
91. Anywhere But Here* (1999) – Susan Sarandon and a very young Natalie Portman play mother and daughter Adele and Ann August. Flighty Adele moves her 14-year old from her familiar surroundings in Wisconsin to Beverly Hills, despite the fact that they can’t afford to live there. The eternal optimist – except when she takes to her bed in a fit of depression – Adele is determined to make their meager existence better, even if it means lying to do so. Who is the mature person in this relationship, you wonder. Sarandon and Portman give outstanding performances as the eccentric mother and the sometimes sullen teenager. Ann realizes she needs to break free of her mother, but Adele is not about to let go easily. I somehow had missed this movie that I always had wanted to see, and I am happy I finally caught up with it. 3½ cans.
92. J. Edgar* (2011) – Leonardo DiCaprio is J. Edgar Hoover in Clint Eastwood’s biopic about the man who led the FBI for nearly 50 years. Fiercely loyal to the agency and protective of the U.S., Hoover became more powerful than virtually anyone in the country. He pioneered the establishment of a federal registry for fingerprints and championed the federal legislation on kidnapping after conflicts with NJ law enforcement during the Lindbergh baby’s disappearance. A vengeful man, he didn’t hesitate to take credit for things he didn’t do or to establish an enemies list that even Richard Nixon could envy, tracking the private lives of anyone who disagreed with him or crossed him. Ironically, he had a long-term relationship with a man he hired at the FBI, Clyde Tolson (Armie Hammer), all the while railing against homosexuals. This movie depicts a zealot who abused his power absolutely, answered to virtually no one yet remained devoted to his mother and his job. DiCaprio looks more like Philip Seymour Hoffman than Hoover, but he does a credible job, looking angry enough to burst at the seams throughout the movie. It was hard for me to separate my disdain for Hoover from the credibility of the movie, but Eastwood and DiCaprio do a good job of shedding light on a very dark man. 4 cans.
93. Air Force One (1997) – Harrison Ford plays the very brave and resourceful president of the U.S., who is forced to outwit, outplay and outlast the bad guys who take over his plane in this action-adventure. Indiana Jones as president, I guess. Glenn Close plays the VP, manning the Washington contingent and trying to deal with terrorist Gary Oldman as he systematically executes the passengers on the aircraft. Who knew Air Force One was so huge? There are sets of stairs, conference rooms, a huge office and lots of places to run and hide, which helps the president in his retaliation against the terrorists. I’m not a big action fan, but having the action in a confined space that no one else can enter makes this story an intellectual as well as physical fight. I hadn’t seen it since it appeared in the theater 15 years ago, and I’m probably good for another 15 before seeing it again, but as action movies go, this one really takes off. 3½ cans.
93. & 94. Fatal Honeymoon* (2012) and Natalie Holloway* (2009) – I don’t generally watch Lifetime TV’s heroine in distress movies, but I was familiar with both of the cases on which these dramas were based, so I watched them back-to-back one night when nothing else was on. Both are based on stories of attractive young women whose fate is sealed when they find themselves with sociopathic guys who will do them harm and refuse to tell the truth. “Fatal Honeymoon” is the story of Tina Watson, a Southern beauty who falls for Gabe, a manipulative creep whom her father (Harvey Keitel) immediately recognizes as the wrong guy for his precious daughter. Gabe marries her then hauls her off to Australia for their honeymoon so they can scuba dive around the Great Barrier Reef – despite her lack of experience as a diver and her expressed fears. She mysteriously drowns, and there is plenty of evidence that he either disconnected her air supply or, as a certified rescue diver, should have been able to save her. Her father pursues the case vigorously, eager to see his son-in-law of 11 days pay for what he is sure is his daughter’s murder (his motive? Collecting on the life insurance policy her urged her to take out but which she ultimately did not do.). In “Natalie Holloway,” Tracy Pollan delivers a gritty performance as Beth Twitty, the anguished mother of 18-year old Alabama high school graduate Natalie, who goes off with her friends and classmates on a celebratory trip to Aruba, meets Joran Van der Sloot and is never seen again. Desperate to find her, Twitty arrives in Aruba and takes on the lax investigation by garnering as much media attention as possible to force Joran to tell the truth. Neither of the parents in these movies can possibly be satisfied with the outcome of their cases, so there is a strong parallel here. And the lessons learned are that kids who drink can end up as tragedies, and parents who worry too much are probably right. 3 cans a piece.
95. Zorro the Gay Blade* (1991) – Sometimes when someone recommends a movie highly I worry that it cannot possibly live up to the hype and that I will be disappointed. This was definitely not the case in this campy and outrageous version of Zorro, with George Hamilton playing the title role and also playing the hero’s twin brother, “Bunny.” Hamilton is all arched eyebrows and megawatt smiles as he attacks this role with more relish than you can find on all the hotdogs at Nathan’s on July 4th. Whether facing off against his arch enemy, the autocratic altalde (Ron Liebman, delightfully evil) or fending off advances from the altade’s wife (Brenda Vaccarro – remember her?), Hamilton is dashing and dazzling. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Mel Brooks directed this romp, and it is almost on a par with his brand of inspired lunacy. Lauren Hutton chips in to the hilarity as a woman out to do good who falls in love with Hamilton. There are duels galore, lavish sets and costumes and enough of a “pronounced accent” that I might just have to see it again to catch all of the good lines in missed. I urge any of you “pipples” who may have missed this gem to rent it or catch it on TV. 4 cans.
89. In & Out (1997) – Kevin Kline stars in this funny farce about a high school teacher/drama coach who is “outed” at the Oscars by a former student who wins the award for best actor (and the scenes of his movie are hilariously bad). About to marry a fellow teacher (Joan Cusak, who almost steals the show), Kline vehemently denies the charge that he is gay, though he is forced to examine his love for all things Streisand and whether he can forego dancing to “I Will Survive.” Tom Selleck, a TV reporter assigned to the story in rural Greenleaf, Indiana, reveals that he, too, is gay. Debbie Reynolds and Wilfred Brimley play Kline’s parents and Matt Dillon is the Oscar-winning actor in a story that poses the question, “Is everybody gay?” All I know is that everyone is laughing, because this is a funny and charming movie. 4 cans.
90. Hope Springs* (2012) – Whenever there is a Meryl Streep movie out, you go to see it full of hope that it will be memorable, outstanding and entertaining. “Hope Springs” qualifies on the lowest rung of that scale. Meryl and Tommy Lee Jones are an old married couple in this “romantic” comedy, going through the motions of a dull and drab life together in their empty nest. He comes down for the same breakfast every day and silently reads the headlines while she serves him. In the evenings, he falls asleep in the recliner watching the Golf Channel before retreating to his bed in the guest room, while she pines for intimacy, romance and any conversation that doesn’t involve someone’s tax returns. Realizing they need help, she signs them up for a $4000 week of couples therapy in Maine, which he insists is not only completely unnecessary – isn’t the fact that they have been married 31 years enough to show they have a successful marriage, he ponders – but way too expensive. She decides to go anyway, and he reluctantly joins her. Steve Carrell is completely wasted in the role of the sincere and helpful therapist who gets the recalcitrant couple to do things they haven’t done in years – and possibly ever (and I was more that a little uncomfortable watching Meryl stoop to some of the assignments). I wish there had been more comedy here – can you imagine Bob Newhart as the therapist? – but any movie with Meryl starts with at least one can. Jones is a good match for her, as grumpy as she is sincere, but overall, despite a few humorous moments, there is a lot of pain to witness here. OK, but not great. Sorry, Meryl. 3½ cans.
91. Anywhere But Here* (1999) – Susan Sarandon and a very young Natalie Portman play mother and daughter Adele and Ann August. Flighty Adele moves her 14-year old from her familiar surroundings in Wisconsin to Beverly Hills, despite the fact that they can’t afford to live there. The eternal optimist – except when she takes to her bed in a fit of depression – Adele is determined to make their meager existence better, even if it means lying to do so. Who is the mature person in this relationship, you wonder. Sarandon and Portman give outstanding performances as the eccentric mother and the sometimes sullen teenager. Ann realizes she needs to break free of her mother, but Adele is not about to let go easily. I somehow had missed this movie that I always had wanted to see, and I am happy I finally caught up with it. 3½ cans.
92. J. Edgar* (2011) – Leonardo DiCaprio is J. Edgar Hoover in Clint Eastwood’s biopic about the man who led the FBI for nearly 50 years. Fiercely loyal to the agency and protective of the U.S., Hoover became more powerful than virtually anyone in the country. He pioneered the establishment of a federal registry for fingerprints and championed the federal legislation on kidnapping after conflicts with NJ law enforcement during the Lindbergh baby’s disappearance. A vengeful man, he didn’t hesitate to take credit for things he didn’t do or to establish an enemies list that even Richard Nixon could envy, tracking the private lives of anyone who disagreed with him or crossed him. Ironically, he had a long-term relationship with a man he hired at the FBI, Clyde Tolson (Armie Hammer), all the while railing against homosexuals. This movie depicts a zealot who abused his power absolutely, answered to virtually no one yet remained devoted to his mother and his job. DiCaprio looks more like Philip Seymour Hoffman than Hoover, but he does a credible job, looking angry enough to burst at the seams throughout the movie. It was hard for me to separate my disdain for Hoover from the credibility of the movie, but Eastwood and DiCaprio do a good job of shedding light on a very dark man. 4 cans.
93. Air Force One (1997) – Harrison Ford plays the very brave and resourceful president of the U.S., who is forced to outwit, outplay and outlast the bad guys who take over his plane in this action-adventure. Indiana Jones as president, I guess. Glenn Close plays the VP, manning the Washington contingent and trying to deal with terrorist Gary Oldman as he systematically executes the passengers on the aircraft. Who knew Air Force One was so huge? There are sets of stairs, conference rooms, a huge office and lots of places to run and hide, which helps the president in his retaliation against the terrorists. I’m not a big action fan, but having the action in a confined space that no one else can enter makes this story an intellectual as well as physical fight. I hadn’t seen it since it appeared in the theater 15 years ago, and I’m probably good for another 15 before seeing it again, but as action movies go, this one really takes off. 3½ cans.
93. & 94. Fatal Honeymoon* (2012) and Natalie Holloway* (2009) – I don’t generally watch Lifetime TV’s heroine in distress movies, but I was familiar with both of the cases on which these dramas were based, so I watched them back-to-back one night when nothing else was on. Both are based on stories of attractive young women whose fate is sealed when they find themselves with sociopathic guys who will do them harm and refuse to tell the truth. “Fatal Honeymoon” is the story of Tina Watson, a Southern beauty who falls for Gabe, a manipulative creep whom her father (Harvey Keitel) immediately recognizes as the wrong guy for his precious daughter. Gabe marries her then hauls her off to Australia for their honeymoon so they can scuba dive around the Great Barrier Reef – despite her lack of experience as a diver and her expressed fears. She mysteriously drowns, and there is plenty of evidence that he either disconnected her air supply or, as a certified rescue diver, should have been able to save her. Her father pursues the case vigorously, eager to see his son-in-law of 11 days pay for what he is sure is his daughter’s murder (his motive? Collecting on the life insurance policy her urged her to take out but which she ultimately did not do.). In “Natalie Holloway,” Tracy Pollan delivers a gritty performance as Beth Twitty, the anguished mother of 18-year old Alabama high school graduate Natalie, who goes off with her friends and classmates on a celebratory trip to Aruba, meets Joran Van der Sloot and is never seen again. Desperate to find her, Twitty arrives in Aruba and takes on the lax investigation by garnering as much media attention as possible to force Joran to tell the truth. Neither of the parents in these movies can possibly be satisfied with the outcome of their cases, so there is a strong parallel here. And the lessons learned are that kids who drink can end up as tragedies, and parents who worry too much are probably right. 3 cans a piece.
95. Zorro the Gay Blade* (1991) – Sometimes when someone recommends a movie highly I worry that it cannot possibly live up to the hype and that I will be disappointed. This was definitely not the case in this campy and outrageous version of Zorro, with George Hamilton playing the title role and also playing the hero’s twin brother, “Bunny.” Hamilton is all arched eyebrows and megawatt smiles as he attacks this role with more relish than you can find on all the hotdogs at Nathan’s on July 4th. Whether facing off against his arch enemy, the autocratic altalde (Ron Liebman, delightfully evil) or fending off advances from the altade’s wife (Brenda Vaccarro – remember her?), Hamilton is dashing and dazzling. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Mel Brooks directed this romp, and it is almost on a par with his brand of inspired lunacy. Lauren Hutton chips in to the hilarity as a woman out to do good who falls in love with Hamilton. There are duels galore, lavish sets and costumes and enough of a “pronounced accent” that I might just have to see it again to catch all of the good lines in missed. I urge any of you “pipples” who may have missed this gem to rent it or catch it on TV. 4 cans.
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