Sunday, October 16, 2011

Testing, Testing

Remember the “good old days,” when the only tests we feared were in 8th grade math? Those days are long gone, and nobody gets to this stage of life without going through a bevy of tests, some meant to diagnose existing health problems and some meant to figure out what could go wrong before it does.

If you stop by the local radiology place, you can ask to see a collection of pictures of virtually every part of my body. In fact, you could probably reconstruct my body slice by slice from the images gleaned from CAT scans, ultrasounds, etc. I’ve had more Doppler reports than Al Roker’s weather. I’ve even had Doppler ultrasounds taken of both of my shins, one after I fell on the ice and one after this summer’s unfortunate jet ski incident. I’ve had injections of dye and I’ve consumed gallons of chalky white barium, all to get better pictures of my thyroid, kidneys and abdomen.

Sometimes you have to drink copious amounts of water before you have certain tests. I recall getting through one such test and leaping off the table the second it was over to sprint to the nearest restroom. Other times you have to collect samples of bodily fluids and refrigerate them to take them to the lab. I always worry that when I have the dreaded 24-hour urine test I will come in a quart low. And besides, do you want to find a huge orange jug in the refrigerator when you reach for your morning juice? (This story virtually assures than none of you will be staying at my place or dropping by for breakfast any time soon.)

If you have gotten this far in life without a colonoscopy, you don’t know the joy of having a team of people drug you and invade your body with a camera. That’s one photo album of mine you won’t find on Shutterfly. My luck was having the nurse on my last colonoscopy be a high school classmate of mine. “Haven’t seen you in so long,” she said as she greeted me. “Now, turn over on your side.” She got a completely different view of me than she ever had in gym class.

I must add here that having a colonoscopy undoubtedly saved my life, so I encourage everyone to get one after the age of 50. Since I had not yet reached that threshold in 2000, my doctor demurred, recommending instead a sigmoidoscopy to diagnose my persistent intestinal problem. However, having seen Katie Couric’s televised colonoscopy, I insisted, and when the test revealed a tumor that was determined to be malignant, I asked the doctor whether he would have found it with a sigmoidoscopy. No, he admitted, telling me that I had colon cancer. Now I have colonoscopies at the prescribed intervals, and, thanks to Miralax, the prep isn’t nearly as bad as it used to be. Besides, the anesthesia used during the procedure gives me the best half hour of sleep I get all year.

There are the routine maintenance things we have to do, like the annual mammogram and Pap smear for women, and the tests we take because nobody can figure out what is wrong. I get bronchitis in the winter, but I consistently fail the strep test. Now I’m having a problem with my left eye, which led to blood work, an ultrasound of my carotid arteries and an echocardiogram (no problems there to report, I am happy to say). After the latter, the technician informed me that I didn’t have a broken heart. Apparently he had not seen the Yankees lose in the playoff game the night before.

I always ask for a copy of the test results, because that way I can share the report with my other doctors. I’m still trying to get over the report that referred to my kidneys as “unremarkable.” I know that’s supposed to be a good thing, but it sounds a little insulting to me. My kidneys are great – or at least I think so.

When I am at the office of a new doctor or a lab and filling out the forms, it takes longer now to check off all those boxes, since I cannot simply stay in the “No” column anymore. And it is getting harder to remember when I had my last tetanus shot or pneumonia vaccine. I’ve already had this year’s flu shot and I’m now vaccinated against shingles, though the doctor said I could still get it, but the case would be less severe than if I hadn’t been inoculated. I’m sure there is a test for that, too.

Once the doctor suspected a friend of mine might have pneumonia and wrote her a referral for a test that read “Ro-pneumonia.” For years, we thought that she had a form of pneumonia called “Ro-pneumonia.” It wasn’t until years later when my doctor told me she was sending me for tests to “rule out” some condition or disease or another that I finally realized that “Ro” anything is meant to rule it out.

I have friends who have gone for MRIs of their brains and reported that the doctors didn’t find anything. Now, there’s a scary thought. I went for an MRI once and decided that it was actually meant to torture the victim – the patient, that is – with the distracting noise of the loud and annoying machines designed to make you forget the medical problem that brought you there in the first place. Who thinks up these modern-age medieval torture chambers anyway? I remember being in a long tube once for a body scan and feeling like I was being buried alive. At the end, they concluded that I did have a body. And there are pictures to prove it.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Tina's September Movies

I saw 17 movies in September, with British and baseball films leading the way. Numbering picks up from last month, and movies I had not seen previously are marked with an *.

111. Brooklyn Dodgers – The Ghosts of Flatbush* (2010) – Rarely has a sports franchise been as beloved as the Brooklyn Dodgers. This HBO documentary traces the period from the integration of baseball with Jackie Robinson joining the Dodgers in 1947 through the club’s futile losses to the arch rival New York Yankees in the World Series of the early 50s to the greatest loss of all – the team’s 1957 departure of Brooklyn for sunny Southern California. Owner Walter O’Malley was determined to replace aging Ebbetts Field but all-powerful NY boss of all things built Robert Moses repeatedly denied his request for a prime parcel of land. O’Malley pulled the team out of Brooklyn and crushed the faithful fans forever. 3½ cans.

112. Dead Poets Society (1989) – Robin Williams is inspiring poetry teacher John Keating at a private and conservative boys prep school in 1959, but he is anything but conservative. His passion for poetry and learning bring an unconventional approach to the classroom, and the boys love him for it. The young men in his charge are impressed and influenced by him as they begin to think about learning in new ways. They resurrect Keating’s “Dead Poet’s Society” from his days as a student at that school, and they convene secretly to write and recite poetry that reflects their souls. The normally manic Williams gives a restrained performance as the enthusiastic educator in this moving and rich film. It was fun to see the very young faces of Ethan Hawke, Josh Charles and Robert Sean Leonard as the students. 4 cans.

113. Sarah’s Key* (2011) – Kristin Scott Thomas stars as American journalist Julia Jarmond, married to a Frenchman and living in Paris. Assigned to write a piece about the 1942 round-up by French authorities of thousands of Jews who were detained and then shipped to Auschwitz, Julia learns through her research that her husband’s family’s apartment belonged to one such family. When the police appeared, 10-year old Sarah hid her 4-year old brother in a cupboard and kept the key, assuring him that she would return. Her harrowing story is told in flashbacks juxtaposed with Julia’s research. This is a powerful film about a period not well known, and, while the story is fiction, the events of the time are accurate. Secrets long kept are revealed and the fate of Sarah and her family is discovered in a way that profoundly affects Julia and the audience. My friend Dee said she had never been in a theater where the audience was so silent. An intense and excellent film, but not one to take lightly. 4 cans.

114. Running Scared (1986) – Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal are Chicago cops tracking down drug lord Gonzalez (Jimmy Smits) in this gritty and clever movie. The story is almost secondary to the byplay between the buddies. Crystal didn’t have this much chemistry with Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally.” There’s plenty of great action, including a car chase on the L-line. I’m not typically a fan of action movies, but this one tempers the action with good-natured and snappy repartee between the very appealing leads. 4½ cans.

115. The Madness of King George* (1994) – No wonder poor King George is mad. It is 1788, the Brits have lost control of “the Colonies,” Parliament is trying to reduce his powers and his feckless son won’t even wave to the crowds – his primary job, as the King sees it. And that says nothing about the formal attire and bad wigs he is forced to wear. The King of England descends into true madness, his mania forcing his minions to chase him around the palace and grounds half-dressed while the politicos – including his insufferable son George, the Prince of Wales – plot to usurp his power. Nigel Hawthorne was nominated for an Oscar for his over-the-top portrayal of the crazy king. Helen Mirren stars as the Queen (naturally), and Rupert Everett is his sycophant son in this mad movie. The sets, costumes and locations are gorgeous and the cast outstanding in this historical drama that tells an unusual story with intelligence and a surprising dose of humor. 4 cans.

116. Frances (1982) – Speaking of madness, here is the story of actress Frances Farmer, whose star shone brightly in Hollywood and on Broadway in the 1930s until her strong will derailed a promising career. When independent thinker Frances decides she does not want to be part of the Hollywood industry, her mother pushes her first to continue, and then to a mental institution, because who would be crazy enough to give up stardom? Poor Frances – who seems more angry than insane – is committed to one horrifying place after another, all to “get well,” but which just make her worse. Jessica Lange portrays Farmer with strength and vulnerability and does justice to the love-hate relationship with her overbearing mother (Kim Stanley). Sam Shepard plays the man who loves her and tries to help, but Frances has to learn to live with herself before she can commit to anyone. Parts of this movie are harrowing, but it is worth seeing for Lange’s performance alone. I was disappointed to learn when I first saw it 30 years ago that it was not about Fanny Farmer candy, but I’ll give it 4 cans anyway.

117. Casino* (1995) – Director Martin Scorcese again teams up with Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci in this look at the mob and the casinos of Las Vegas. Gambler Sam “Ace” Rothstein (DeNiro) runs the Tangiers, where the given practice is to skim cash from the operations and pay off the mob bosses. Nicky (Pesci) is the tough guy enforcer, always looking for an edge, afraid of nothing and no one. Sharon Stone plays the charismatic but drug-addicted wife of DeNiro and gives a great performance, especially when she is completely flipping out at her husband. Ace’s anger is mostly below the surface, visible enough to scare most people, while Nicky isn’t quite so subtle. Scorcese paints a vivid picture of these goodfellas, just as he did in previous movies, and the snappy dialog, especially between DeNiro and Pesci, feels almost like improvisation (see “Raging Bull” for a previous example of their work together). If you can tolerate the violence and bloodshed and you don’t mind the language and subject matter (OK, lots of caveats here), you’ll find this movie riveting. 5 cans.

118. The Winning Season* (2009) – Even as desperate as I am to see women’s basketball again, I can’t recommend this clichéd trifle of a movie. Sam Rockwell stars as a loser who takes over as coach of a girls’ high school basketball team, leaving behind his not-so-thriving career as a dishwasher/busboy. Rumor has it that he quit his last coaching gig as a boys coach mid-season, leaving the team in the lurch. Here he takes over a moribund program with all of 6 players, one of whom is on crutches. Predictably, the ragtag team loses its games but gains respect for each other and the coach despite the fact that he drinks, smokes, swears, and is usually politically incorrect. They love him, he loves them, they begin to win, he cleans up his act – until he doesn’t. I so wanted to love this movie, but if it had been a three-point attempt, it would have been an airball. 2 cans.

119. Young Victoria* (2010) – My second English historical movie in a week proved just as good as the first one (see 115 above). Victoria may be young, but anyone who assumes her youth and inexperience make her unqualified to be the Queen of England doesn’t know this resolute young woman well. In the 1800s, Victoria becomes the King’s choice to succeed him as monarch since he has no direct descendants and she is the only child among the King and his brothers. Her mother and her advisor want her to sign away her right of succession so that the monarchy will be ruled by a regent – her mother, the Duchess of Kent. Not so fast, Mom. Victoria reaches adulthood just in time for the King to die and she takes over as Queen, a position she held longer than anyone in history. Her family wants her to marry her cousin George, but headstrong Victoria has her eye on Prince Albert of Germany, who wins her over and becomes her husband. This lavish production, with beautiful sets and costumes, starring Emily Blunt as Queen Victoria and Rupert Freund as Albert, makes you feel like you are part of the palace. I wish I had the money spent on the candelabras alone. 4 cans.

120. Sweet Dreams (1985) – In my second Jessica Lange movie of the week, the actress portrays country singer Patsy Cline. With her deep voice ideally suited for the heartbreak songs of country, Cline had a brief but bright career in the 1960’s. The movie traces her rise from dirt poor woman through the courtship of her hard-drinking husband Charlie (Ed Harris) to her success in Nashville. The drama emanates from the sometimes toxic relationship between Cline and Charlie. The story can best be summed up in the lyrics of Patsy’s hit, “Crazy” – “I’m crazy for loving you.” Indeed. 3½ cans for the performances of Lange and Harris.

121. Conviction* (2010) –Betty Ann Waters (Hillary Swank) and her brother Kenny (Sam Rockwell) grow up as rough and tumble, poor kids. As an adult, Kenny is always in trouble and well-known by the local cops in Ayer, Massachusetts. When a woman is brutally murdered nearby, they immediately focus on Kenny. There’s plenty of blood at the scene of the crime, and the blood type matches Kenny’s, there are a few witnesses who claim he confessed to the crime, and he is convicted and sentenced to life. Convinced of her brother’s innocence, Betty Ann decides to get her college degree and go to law school so she can become an attorney and represent him. Her dogged determination and refusal to take no for an answer from anyone lead her through the case. Swank plays the lead with relish, giving a no-nonsense performance. Rockwell is much better in this movie than he was in the one I saw two days earlier (see 118 above). Their performances and the fact that the story is true bring gravitas to the film, which otherwise might have been only marginally better than a Lifetime movie. I thought MY sister was the best sister in the world, but she can’t hold a candle to Betty Ann Waters. Sorry, Nan. 4 cans.

122. A Room With a View (1985) – A decidedly Victorian point of view pervades this English movie by the esteemed Merchant-Ivory team. Helena Bonham-Carter is Lucy Honeychurch, a young (19) woman uncomfortable with expected behavior and looking for more. Accompanied by her chaperone, played by the magnificent Maggie Smith, she travels to Florence and meets George Emerson, a young British man (Julian Sands), with whom she is smitten enough to share an illicit kiss. Oh, goodness! Returning home, she agrees to marry the extremely proper Cecil Vyse (Daniel Day Lewis), but she still has her doubts. This genteel love story is the anti-action movie, with only a spirited game of tennis and a romp in the river punctuating the proper British atmosphere. It moves slowly, but with plenty of charm. 4 cans.

123. Hearts & Crafts* (2011) – This French documentary takes a look at the artisans who create high quality leather goods, glass and jewelry. Each painstaking step of their respective processes is carefully executed to ensure the beauty and quality of their pieces. They take justifiable pride in each stitch, each stroke, each step they take to turn out a finished product, knowing that no two hand-crafted items will be exactly the same. These are people who revel in jobs some of us might consider mundane and most of us could never do. 3 cans.

124. The Remains of the Day (1993) – This must be my month for British movies, and few are better than this one. Anthony Hopkins plays Stephens, the butler and head of Darlington House, a British estate. Emma Thompson plays Miss Ventin, the housekeeper, a woman accustomed to being in service but with a mind of her own. Stephens is reserved yet demanding, following the traditions of service ingrained in him by his butler father. Nothing will deter him from completing the tasks at hand to the highest level. That means not being distracted by the obvious interest of Miss Ventin or the failing health of his father. It also means staying out of the controversial views of his employer, a German sympathizer who tries to rally support for the Germans prior to World War II. There are many moving moments here, with the added poignancy of seeing a healthy and handsome Christopher Reeve as an American politician. In the end, this is a love story, albeit an unrequited one. 4½ cans.

125. The Heart of the Game (2005) – I have to see this movie at least once a year. It is a documentary, shot over a seven-year period, that traces the girls’ basketball team at Roosevelt High School in Seattle. Led by an unconventional coach, university tax professor Bill Ressler, the girls on the team learn to understand teamwork, trust and success. Oh, and they play some pretty competitive basketball, too. The star of the show is Darniella Russell, who joins the team in season two of the movie and brings a combination of immense, natural talent and headstrong ways that challenge Coach Ressler. This is the female version of “Hoop Dreams,” and it is every bit as good as that classic documentary. It almost makes up for the dismal “Winning Season” I saw earlier this month. If you ever want to be inspired or root for the underdog, have I got a movie for you. 5 cans.

126. Moneyball* (2011) – Brad Pitt and a real story about baseball? How could this movie go wrong? Let me count the ways. Baseball tradition is shaken to its foundation by Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane (Brad Pitt), a GM with a limited budget whose best players bolt for more money as soon as their contracts are up. Armed with a young Yale economics major (Jonah Hill) as his sidekick, Billy begins measuring the talent and potential of his players in a completely different way, eschewing the advice of his grizzled scouts and their talk of the “five-tool” player. Himself the victim of unfulfilled expectations and a major league bust, Billy comes to realize that his scouts may be valuing the wrong things as they assess potential and sign young players. Running a small market team, Billy doesn’t have the budget to compete in the marketplace but he can scour the statistics to find suitable and less expensive replacements for his disappearing stars. He is like a stock picker, always looking for the next big thing that today is undervalued. This movie assumes you know and care enough about baseball to understand the language and the practices that have endured for decades that Billy ignores. I found it slow and plodding, and Billy himself an enigmatic character who cannot stand to watch his own team play. Pitt is fine as the lead, but I wonder if this movie would even have been made if he hadn’t signed on for a part that any competent actor could play. If he gets an Oscar nod for this role, I’ll spit chewing tobacco. As a movie, “Moneyball” barely makes it above the Mendoza line. Look it up. 3 cans.

127. Catching Hell* (2011) – Two baseball movies in a row for me! The latest entry in the excellent ESPN documentary series, this film examines the fateful night in 2003 when a fan in the stands at Wrigley Field altered the course of Cubs history. The long-suffering Cubs fans, never having won the World Series, were ready to celebrate victory in the National League Divisional Series against the Marlins when diehard Cubs fan Steve Bartman reached out to snare a foul ball and deflected it away from a probable catch by Cubs outfielder Moises Alou. The fact that the Cubs shortstop made a costly error following the play, and that the pitching staff gave up 8 runs and lost the 6th game seemed to be of no consequence to the angry mob of Cubs fans. Bartman had to be escorted by security out of the not-so-friendly confines of Wrigley Field. His identity was revealed, his house surrounded and his life made into a living hell. To his credit, the only time he ever publicly addressed his role in that fateful night was to issue an apology, as he declined to capitalize on his notoriety. This film examines the mob mentality and shows the play from every angle imaginable but never addresses why the umpires failed to rule fan interference. It also covers Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner, who famously let a ground ball go through his legs in the 1986 World Series, and how he was vilified for his miscue. Cubs fans are still waiting for a World Series triumph, while Red Sox Nation has forgiven Buckner after two subsequent World Series Championships years later. 4 cans.