Last month I was feeling philosophical about my 60th birthday and compiled a list of things I have learned in my first 60 years. A month later, I am ready to admit to some of the many things I haven't learned, don't understand or cannot figure out despite my advanced age and presumed wisdom. Here is that list.
1. Why anyone finds Jerry Lewis or the Three Stooges funny – in France or anywhere else.
2. Why people plant flowers around a mailbox. Attracting bees that could sting you while you check your mail doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.
3. Nose piercings. I have my ears pierced, but I’ll never understand why anyone would want to pierce a nose or tongue. At least my earrings don’t interfere with any function of my ears.
4. Old people with tattoos. I assume they did not realize that they would be old someday and look ridiculous with “body art.” (I guess that after a night of drunken or drug-related debauchery, realizing anything is impossible until it is too late.) And besides, when you get old and should be checking every freckle and mole on your body, it would be good to know you can actually see them.
5. People who cut you off or pull out in front of you and then slow down. If you are in that much of a hurry, shouldn’t you maintain your speed?
6. Flags in front of houses. Yeah, I know it is Easter or autumn, but you don’t need to wave a flag about it.
7. I can never understand why some people have the spouses they do, what attracted them to each other in the first place and why they stayed together. I’ve given up trying to figure that one out.
8. Watching golf on TV. It looks to me like the telecast really has just one shot of a ball in the air and they just keep showing it. Golf is 3-D sport that suffers when watched in 2-D. And the announcers have to speak with such quiet voices that even if the action is exciting, you can’t tell.
9. Why people who go to tennis matches wear the same clothes as the players. Do they think they will be called down from the stands and pressed into action in case a player is injured?
10. Why baseball managers wear full uniforms to manage a game from the dugout. You don’t see football coaches attired in full pads and jerseys.
11. Why baseball players spit so much. If they aren’t chewing tobacco or something else, why are they so overloaded with saliva?
12. Why baseball players, particularly pitchers, wear those necklaces that look like the rope from my pool or a giant lanyard that is out of control.
13. Percentages and fractions. I am living proof that unless you are in a profession that requires this knowledge, you only need to know how much of a tip to leave or the amount you’ll save on the 25% off sale at Macy’s.
14. Ankle bracelets. Really? Why does anyone need to wear a band of metal of any kind around one’s ankle? Of course, you could point to my wrist and ask why I wear bracelets, but at least I can SEE my wrist.
15. Speaking of which – stiletto heels? The foot wasn’t made to be stuffed into a pointy shoe and jacked up 4 inches. I don’t get it.
16. The strength of the dollar. Come on, is it good or bad? And is it good or bad for me personally, for the country or for my stock portfolio? Anyone who can teach me that bit of economics deserves the Nobel Prize.
17. Restaurants that proclaim themselves as having “the best burger in the state” or something similar. How do they know that? Was there a scientific survey? Who participated? I’m skeptical, to say the least.
18. Comb-overs. Do men really think we are fooled by the hair imported from one side and swept across the head? Just face facts and keep it short. Bald is very in now, anyway.
19. How airplanes fly. The principles of aerodynamics should be outweighed – literally – by me and my luggage getting on board.
20. For that matter, I don’t understand how birds fly and how they can sit in the street and manage to evade my oncoming car just a split second before tragedy should strike.
21. Why some stores (I’m talking to you, Kohl’s) display their clothing items on racks so high that they have to provide long poles to retrieve them. I just want to shop, not fish, for my clothes.
22. Why a man would leave the house before dawn, spend most of the day on a fishing boat in the pouring rain with wind so bad that everyone threw up repeatedly, not catch a fish or drink a beer all day and return home saying the experience was fun. This Bud’s for you, Atno.
23. How the rug next to my bed continues to recede under the bed.
24. Why anyone would want to be a dentist. Ditto – proctologist.
25. Why people ski. The very idea of strapping thin strips of wood/fiberglass/whatever to my feet and hurtling down a mountain in the freezing cold has absolutely no appeal to me.
26. Twitter. Why would anyone think that their mundane activities of daily life are of interest to anyone else? I can understand texting people to keep in touch, but do I care if someone took a nap (unless it is the subject of a compelling essay, of course) or just finished lunch? My own life is boring enough for me, thanks.
27. How people manage more than one house. I know I would always have the clothes I need in the wrong location and I’d have to have exact duplicates of things like my hair dryer to be comfortable. I really don’t think I could do it.
28. All the words to “Louie, Louie,” and the words after “R.E.S.P.E.C.T., find out what it means to me…” I doubt that even the Kingsmen or Aretha know the answers anymore.
29. Insurance policies. It’s not just me, right? No one can possibly understand one of these, unless you work for an insurance company. My cable bill also falls into the category of being beyond comprehension.
30. Why people like mimes. Get out of that damn box already, will ya?
31. Magic tricks. They get me every time. I can even see a demonstration of exactly how one is done and I still am amazed. Sleight of hand, indeed.
32. Why men’s earlobes seem to get longer as they age. Have you noticed that?
33. Andy Rooney’s eyebrows. Really, if a woman had eyebrows like that, she’d be on radio, not TV. Speaking of which…
34. How Andy Rooney has made a career out of being cranky. How can I get that gig when he gives it up?
35. Photosynthesis. I must have been absent the day we learned about photosynthesis in science class because I am still amazed each year when the leaves turn color. Amazed, and very grateful, because I love the colors of autumn.
36. Why random songs pop into my head, especially in the morning. And then I am left humming or singing them all day. So annoying. “Tiny bubbles, in the wine…”
37. Why anyone would want to be a hockey goalie. And for girls, have you seen how ugly the uniforms are for a field hockey goalie? They look like the Pillsbury doughboy.
38. Why the one-day sale at Macy’s lasts for two days. I take full advantage of the extra shopping time, but technically, shouldn’t it be a two-day sale?
39. Which Olsen twin is which. I’ll never know, and my life will be no worse for my ignorance.
40. Why men go to football games in the freezing cold with no shirts and paint their chests and faces in team colors. Sure, I understand being a fan, but being dressed warmly trumps rooting for your team while freezing.
41. Tunnels. Ok, this is more my sister’s issue than mine, but we just don’t understand how engineers design something that has to be built under water. As kids, we never crossed into New York via the Lincoln Tunnel without her saying that she didn’t understand how there could be water above us.
42. Why men who barely paid attention in school love to watch practically anything on the History Channel. Nazis, airplanes, wars of any kind are all favorite things to see. I’ve got news for you – we won World War II, so you can stop watching now.
43. Why you always find things in the last place you looked. OK, I understand that you STOP looking once you find something, making that the LAST place, but couldn’t the missing item magically appear in the FIRST place you looked so you could stop looking sooner?
44. Black Friday. You would have to tie me up and DRAG me out to shop at 4 AM on the day after Thanksgiving. Nothing is so important for me to buy for ANYONE that I would get up before dawn and fight the lunatics shopping at that ungodly hour. No sale.
45. Tiny purses. With all our devices (phone, Blackberry, whatever…), plus lipstick, wallet, credit cards, tissues and who-knows what else, it seems improbable to me that anyone would buy a teeny, tiny little purse more fit for Barbie than for today’s woman. And yet you see them, and women buy them. Unless you have a lady-in-waiting standing by with all that paraphernalia, how is a stylish little purse going to help you?
46. Speaking of purses, I don’t understand why Queen Elizabeth carries a purse. Shouldn’t she, of all people, actually have a lady-in-waiting with a handful of cough drops or tissues if she needs one? Or do you think she has a cell phone in there and whips it out to text the grandkids every now and then?
47. Why people leave sporting events with less than a minute to go. OK, if the game is a blow-out and there is no chance that the outcome will change after you leave, feel free to get yourself to the parking lot so you can be gone 12 seconds before me. But if the game is tied or merely close, what is so important in your life that you cannot wait another 12 seconds to see the end of the game? I never leave until the game is over – no matter what the score may be.
48. My subscription to the Star-Ledger. If I cancel the paper for a few days because I will be away, I can extend the subscription or donate it to some school program. In either case, is there any chance that I’ll ever know where the paper went if donated or when the subscription is supposed to stop? I have visions of the paper lying in the driveway years after I have died or sold the house. Maybe I should put that in the real estate listing: “4 bedrooms, in-ground pool, and subscription to the Star-Ledger.”
49. Science fiction. I know that everything from Star-Trek to Star Wars appeals to the masses, but I just don’t get the attraction. You’d have to pay me to get me to watch “Avatar.” I just cannot suspend my sense of reality long enough to buy into science fiction.
50. The metric system. I’m not alone here, I know, but I actually don’t get weights and measures in general. I can recognize a liter of soda, but if a recipe calls for a cup of anything, I better have the right measuring device around because I just don’t follow.
51. Cotton Candy. I don’t understand how anyone could find hideously colorful and sweet cotton on a stick appealing.
52. I don’t understand how Hershey Kisses or M&Ms can make you gain weight. I can conceive of a weight gain after eating a pound of beef, but those little tiny, rapturously delicious pieces of chocolate heaven? Unless you eat a pound in one sitting, you should not have to suffer any consequences.
53. Why bad things happen to good people. Sure, I understand our rationalizations (God never gives you more than you can handle, etc.), but it still doesn’t make sense to me to see something like a young football player paralyzed for the rest of his life. It is the bad people who should suffer the consequences of their actions – if we can figure out who they are.
54. Cursive. I had pneumonia in the 3rd grade and missed most of the unit on cursive. Besides, I went to public school, where penmanship was never stressed as much as in parochial school. Even so, today, when penmanship is truly a lost art, I regret that I regressed over the years to essentially printing everything I write because I was absent in the 3rd grade. And my “handwriting” is getting worse with age. Thank God we type practically everything these days.
55. The Internet. It goes without saying that I cannot understand the math and science behind the Internet but that’s not what I am referring to. I don’t understand how, in this day and age, anyone can exist without it. It is so much easier to pay bills (without stamps!) shop, find restaurants, movie times and phone numbers as well as to keep in touch with people on-line than through conventional means. Let’s face it, if you don’t have Internet access, you can’t even read this essay.
56. Christmas lights that outline roofs. Not only does this practice make no sense to me – are you lighting up the house so Santa can find it? – but it also strikes me as pretty risky to execute.
57. The difference between flowers and weeds. If you buy it at the nursery and plant it yourself, that makes it a flower as opposed to a weed? Hey, if it grows (and especially if it flowers) and it’s green, I’m not yanking it out.
58. Ordering coffee. There are so many versions of coffee available now, that it is a good thing I don’t drink it, because I’m sure I’d never know the difference between a double latte, espresso or Bolivian blended whatever.
59. No matter how cold it is, and especially in the winter with snow on the ground, I inevitably see some guy wearing shorts. I’ll just assume he came from the gym and not that he has completely lost his mind. But really, how about slipping on a pair of sweats to cover those bare legs when it is 15 degrees out? Just a suggestion.
60. Fake deer in the front yard. I live in the wilds of Hillsborough where there are plenty of real deer to go around, so I see no need for fake ones looking like they are grazing in front of your house. You know I’ll slow down if I see them.
61. Finally, I can’t figure out if I wake up during the night because I have to go to the bathroom or if I have to go to the bathroom because I wake up. In either case, it is getting tougher to sleep through the night.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Tina's October Movies
A moment of panic for me occurred on October 17, when I realized I had only seen one movie so far in the month. I quickly ramped up my efforts, and here is what I saw and liked in October. The best movie is an old one, #109, but I enjoyed the new ones I saw as well. Numbering is picked up from the previous months. Enjoy.
OCTOBER
102. The Town (@ Hillsborough with Dee) – Not exactly “On the Town” or “Our Town,” this intense crime caper movie has a gripping story and an outstanding cast, headed by Ben Affleck, Jeremy Renner (“The Hurt Locker”) and a tougher-than-Don Draper Jon Hamm. I think the last Ben Affleck movie I saw was “Good Will Hunting,” unless his movies have been so forgettable that I just don’t remember him in anything else. He makes up for lost time in this Boston-based movie, serving as director and co-writer in addition to his screen time. I don’t see a lot of action/adventure movies, so this one had enough car chases, gunplay and bloodletting to tide me over for a long while, but it definitely held my interest. My only problem with the movie was remembering I couldn’t do a DVR instant replay when I couldn’t understand the heavily Boston-accented dialog. 4 cans.
103. Changeling (HBO) – Angelina is hardly tres jolie in this Clint Eastwood take on a true story set in the 1920s. Angelina Jolie is the single mother of 9-year old Walter, who disappears one day while she is at work. Anxious to wrap up the case, the police five months later present her with a comparable boy, but she insists, in the words of the Michael Jackson song, “Billie Jean,” that “the kid is not my son.” Despite physical differences (the replacement son is 3 inches shorter, in addition to other, shall we say, more personal, differences), the police and their medical team remain convinced that they are right. Wouldn’t a mother know her own son? And why is this boy playing along if he isn’t? With the help of activist preacher John Malkovich, Jolie continues her quest to find out what really happened to the still missing boy. This is a first rate story, convincingly acted, beautifully staged, with the flapper-type hats and 20s attire that seems authentic to the time. 4 cans.
104. Wait Until Dark (TCM) – Audrey Hepburn’s character may be blind in this movie, but she can see through the bad guys out to trick her into giving up a doll some doll gave her husband to take home temporarily. Audrey doesn’t know the woman who gave him the doll and doesn’t know that it is full of drugs. When her husband can’t find it and leaves the house, Audrey is in jeopardy at the hands of crooks Richard Crenna, Alan Arkin and Jack Weston. It’s lights out for everyone as Audrey senses something’s just not right. This is a suspenseful film based on a play and therefore a bit stagey, but it held my interest, except that I wanted to tell her to just give them the doll and get them out of there. 4 cans.
105. The Hangover (HBO) – Nearly 40 years ago I fell in love with a bunch of young, drunk and stupid guys in a movie called “Animal House.” I still quote that movie (“you f#&$d up, kid, you trusted us,” “7 years of college down the drain,” etc.) and when I watch it I still laugh out loud. Fast forward to “The Hangover,” a movie about a group of guys not quite as young but just as stupid, only their antics failed to amuse me nearly as much as the boys from Delta House. Everyone knows that no good can come out of a bachelor party in Vegas, and when this crew wakes up after a night of debauchery, they are missing the groom (and one of them is minus a tooth but has gained a stripper wife), dealing with a tiger in their bathroom and riding around in a stolen police car with a baby. Silly, but with moments of humor. 3½ cans.
106. The Social Network (Manville, with Chris) – Ironically, the founder of Facebook, Marc Zuckerberg, is so socially inept (as portrayed in this movie) that the man who launched millions of friendships has nearly none of his own. According to the movie, Zuckerberg gets drunk after his girlfriend dumps him, and, holed up in his dorm room at Harvard, trashes her on the Internet. He then concocts a way to capture all of the “Facebook” images of fellow students to rate girls. His rampage becomes an instant hit and attracts the attention of three students working on a social networking site who seek out his computer skills. Zuckerberg morphs their idea into Facebook, leading to suits by them and by his best friend for acing him out of the company just as it explodes with success. The motto here is that you can have a million friends and still be a very lonely guy. Well played by all and written with his usual glibness by Aaron Sorkin. 4 cans.
107. Invictus (HBO) – Here is everything I know about rugby: A bunch of men kick and pass a ball and in between come together in a scrum, pushing and pulling each other in an attempt to extricate the football. They emerge bruised and bloody but ultimately unbowed. And so it was for the 1995 South Africa rugby team, spurred on to capture the World Cup by newly elected president Nelson Mandela, himself bruised but unbowed after nearly 30 years in prison. That makes rugby looks like hopscotch, I’d say. Mandela turned the mostly-white team, considered a national embarrassment, into national heroes who united a country still recovering from apartheid and racial division. In terms of sports movies, I prefer “Rudy” but this movie has a larger and more important message. Oh, and where did Matt Damon get that buff body? 3½ cans.
108. Midnight Run (TV) – Think “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” meets a caper movie in this funny flick starring Robert DeNiro as a bounty hunter tracking rogue accountant Charles Grodin. Grodin’s near-fatal error was stealing from the mob, and when he is arrested and skips bail, the bondsman hires DeNiro to track him down and bring him in. Grodin claims a fear of flying, which leads to a cross country trip by train, bus, car, truck, freight train and even a brief appearance by a chasing helicopter and a prop plane. Grodin’s character is alternately endearing and annoying and DeNiro’s frustration is best summed up in his instruction: “I have two words for you. Shut the *#&A$& up.” This is a really good, unpretentious and funny movie, with plenty of action and great performances. 4½ cans.
109. Cast Away (TV) – Tom Hanks and a volleyball named
110. Taken (HBO) – One request: If I am ever taken into the white slave trade, please call Liam Neeson to come and rescue me. Retired CIA agent Neeson puts his “particular set of skills” to good use in tracking down his teenaged daughter when she is abducted by Bosnians in
111. Secretariat (Hillsborough with Nancy) – It’s hard to conjure up any drama in this Disney-made, trite but true, tale of the greatest race horse in history and his owner, the formidable Penny Chenery. It’s not like I didn’t already know that the horse won the Triple Crown, so the racing scenes were only partly exciting and, in fact, sometimes looked cartoony. The producers tried death (Chenery’s parents, one at a time), health issues (the horse had an abscess on his tooth and wasn’t eating) and a bragging competitor, but all Penny had to do was talk horse sense into Secretariat and the horse came from behind or pulled out in front to win going away. I love
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