Fleeting Thoughts for October

Optimism is believing that I will run into that cute guy (Matt) from the DIY Network's "Bath Crashers" in Lowe's and he'll offer to come home with me and redo my master bath – or marry me.

I think we should ban that old saying about comparing apples to oranges.  Have you seen how many varieties of apples there are in the supermarket?  Just comparing apples to apples is virtually impossible anymore.

Is it just me or does your car seem to drive better after it is washed?

I just bought a bra that says it provides "age-defying lift."  I'm not sure whether to wear it or apply it to the bags under my eyes.

If all the fruit we buy is seedless – watermelon, grapes, etc. – how will there be fruit in the future?

Speaking of which, I hate it when I buy grapes marked "seedless" and they turn out to have seeds.  This should be everyone’s biggest problem.

I still read an actual newspaper each day and always pass over the "Legal Advertising" (as opposed to "illegal advertising?"), those pages printed in tiny agate type that list sheriff's sales of homes and their contents, etc.  I gather this kind of information must be published publicly, but does anyone ever read it?  I've never had anyone say to me, "Hey, did you check out page 22 of the Ledger today?  There's a great Sheriff's sale in Mountainside."  I'll confess to perusing the obits, but that's just to assure myself that most people who die are older than me.  Of course, that won't be the case forever.  By now you are thinking once again, "Tina has too much time on her hands."

Why is it that when you ask someone to scratch your back, the itch moves from the original spot to everywhere else?  “That’s it, oh, a little more to the right, up a little…oh, that’s it…”

Here’s a shout-out for the inventor of perforations.  Imagine toilet paper, paper towels and checks without ‘em.   

I think I have just figured out why I have had a weight problem for so long.  It’s my shampoo.  I never made the connection before, but the bottle says “infuses thickness, body and bounce,” which pretty much sums up my body.  Maybe too much of it went from my head to the rest of me.  Just a theory.

The best way to assure that the repairman will arrive – even if you have waited for hours – is to go to the bathroom or pick up the phone and make a call.  It's like he is lurking outside your house, just waiting for you to get started on something before he rings the bell.  Works every time.

I can't tell you how many times I glance at the speedometer and find I am driving at exactly the speed limit. I give full credit to the car, since I'm not even aware of this phenomenon until I check the speedometer.

Don’t you hate it when you are having a bad dream and you wake up and are afraid to go back to sleep again for fear that the bad dream will continue?  Conversely, I have awakened from a good dream and tried to get back to sleep so I can dream on, but to no avail.

I think I would enjoy the TV shows more if I could either hear the dialog or understand the intricacies of the plot.  Having the main characters speak fast in hushed tones and mumble makes it nearly impossible to understand what they are saying.  I have friends who watch episodes of some shows twice.  I just keep hitting the replay button three times, and if I don’t get it by then, I move on.  This process was taught to me by my BFF, who has the same issues. 

Considering how quickly many of you who work respond to my Facebook posts or post yourselves, I wonder what kind of impact Facebook is having on office productivity these days.  Happily, I stopped working before this became an issue.

I hate those strings on my bananas.  I have to remove them before I eat the banana.  It's not just me, right?

I don't mind cooking, but wow, I sure make a mess.  When I am done with a meal, I just about have to repaint the kitchen.  I have to remove the burner plates and scrub down the black top of my stove to remove all the splatters (even using a splatter screen can't entirely prevent them) and then polish and remove the streaks from cleaning.  Kind of takes the joy out of the meal, doesn't it?  I have to allot prep time, cooking time and reconstruction time. 

I hope I live long enough to clean out my e-mail in-box and folders, but if I don't, will it matter?

I am like “The Princess and the Pea” on my walks.  God forbid the tiniest of pebbles should somehow get into my shoe, because it renders me unable to continue until I can take off my sneaker and get rid of the offensive irritant.  Some of them are practically microscopic, but I can still feel them.

In looking for a new, shorter haircut, I Googled (if we can accept that term as a verb) Jamie Lee Curtis, who sports the ultimate short 'do.  Along with pictures of Jamie Lee and her striking, gray hair, came pictures of her late father, Tony Curtis, with his striking, store-bought hair, and a shot of David Hasselhoff.  How he snuck into the algorithm, I'll never know.  My hair came out looking temporarily like the picture of Jamie Lee Curtis' hair but the rest of me looks more like Tony Curtis.

Why am I always the first one to turn on the windshield wipers, and always the one who has them running faster than everyone else?  The answer must be related to why I don’t wear my glasses in aqua aerobics and volleyball.  I just can’t stand seeing spots before my eyes.

I just popped a frozen dinner in the microwave.  The instructions are to cook it for 9 minutes.  Really, 9 minutes?  Do they think I have all day?  That seems like enough time to make a meal from scratch. 

There was an local drive recently to collect old electronics as a fundraiser for the school down the road.  Old phones, charger cords, boom boxes, CD players, cameras, etc., could be dropped off for recycling for a good cause.  As I collected many of these items from around my house it made me wonder:  Why did I have so many in the first place?  I probably had four different sets of decrepit Panasonic house phones (for landlines), but what did I think was going to happen with them?  Were the non-working phones going to heal miraculously?  And who doesn't have the chargers for every cell phone they have ever owned, and why is there not a universal one that works with any brand or model?  Let's just suppose I am a good citizen who waits for these opportunities to recycle and help out a school instead of thinking of me as a hoarder of all things electronic.

Last semester, I stopped at my nephew's dorm to take him out for a meal and take home some of his stuff.  There is nothing that defines boys more than that certain smell, a combination of too many sweats and sneakers, sheets that haven’t been changed since they were first put on the bed and remnants of bags of chips.  It's the boy smell, and if you have boys, you know exactly what I am trying to describe.

For those folks who wear their pants too low, I say this: I don't want to see your underwear, your butt crack or your tramp stamp, so pull 'em up, zip 'em up and keep your stuff to yourself.

I can understand being stuck in traffic because of an accident on your side of the highway, but does the other side really have the need to slow down so they can see what happened?  Have they not seen a car break down before?  Seems like an avoidable waste of time to me.

If you have a “pillow top” mattress, how do you flip it over?  Or should you just turn it from the foot of the bed to the head of the bed to give it more even wear?  Ah, the things that keep me up at night!

I live in fear of forgetting my passwords.  You aren’t supposed to keep them where someone can find them, but then you can’t find them either.  And then the website makes you change one, and you can’t remember what you changed.  Did I put that first letter in CAPS?  Did I change it on the list that I am not supposed to have where I store all of them?  I am also afraid I will finally forget my employee number from Johnson & Johnson, the number that is the key to all of my pension, stock and benefits information.  Again, see what keeps me up at night?

I am not at all clear on why Pandora Radio thinks Lynard Skynard’s “Sweet Home Alabama” belongs on the Darlene Love “station.”

Did you ever overhear a conversation between two people and you knew that both of them were wrong about the topic?  It takes all your restraint not to chime in and correct them without looking like a know-it-all, which, in this case, you probably are.

I don’t understand why Oprah needed her OWN TV-network so “The Policewomen of Broward County” could air 12 times a day.  How the mighty have fallen.

An egg cream contains neither an egg or cream.  Feel free to discuss among yourselves.

Having spent some time recently with my BFF and her grandsons, I could help but notice that kids have highly developed negotiating skills.  Adult: “Pick which flavor of ice cream you want.”  Kid:  “I want both.”  Adult:  “You can have one, not both.”  Kid:  “Vanilla.”  After giving him one scoop of vanilla, Kid:  “I want chocolate, too.”  Adult:  “But you can only have one.”  Kid:  “But I want both.”  And so it goes.

The weather report the other day called for sun, some clouds, maybe rain, possibly thunderstorms.  The only thing the weather person missed was snow.  I'd say he covered all bases with this forecast.

A story in the newspaper the other day said that by 2040 75 percent of all vehicles on the road will be driverless.  You just have to enter in the address and the car and sensors do the rest.  This is good news for those of us who will be 90 by then and completely incapable of getting anywhere.  I just hope I remember where I want to go.

Broccoli:  Good for you and tasty, too, but stinky in the refrigerator.

Every time I have trouble finding my car in a parking lot, I am convinced it has been stolen.  And that's even with parking in the same general area every time at Shop-Rite or the mall.

When I do get to my car, the car parked next to mine is invariably pulling in or out as I approach.

Do you ever think of something you know you need to remember and you are sure you will remember it, so you don’t write it down?  What invariably happens to me is that I forget it.  That happens all the time with my incredibly insightful, clever and flawlessly constructed thoughts for this blog, which means you are reading only the best of what I can remember.  Just think what you must be missing!