At this point in my life, every body part either itches, aches or no longer works like it is supposed to work.
I don’t know about everyone else, but I still get startled when I press the spoon on the seam of the Crescent Roll package and the dough pops out.
If you are a regular reader, you know about my addiction to “Dateline” and other true-crime mysteries. But there’s something that I don’t understand. We know the authorities can easily trace anyone’s location by checking the pings on a cell phone tower, so, if someone is about to commit a crime, why not leave the cell phone home? That way, the criminal can claim he was home and has cell phone data to back up his alibi. Uh, oh – I’m starting to think like a killer!
I love a nap when I wake up not knowing where I am, what time it is (even what day it is) – even if it was only 20 minutes in length. And then I’m up at 4 AM, twiddling my thumbs and watching murder mysteries on “Dateline.”
My friend Kathy Duff works at Staples and reported this recent exchange with a customer:
“A customer came in looking for ID badge holders, but we didn't have the type that he wanted.”
HIM: "Maybe I'll just go to Staples."
KATHY: "Sir, you are in Staples."
HIM: "No I'm not. This is Home Depot."
KATHY: "Ok...let me know if there is anything else I can help you with."
Kathy was wearing her name badge, clearly marked STAPLES, while speaking with the customer. Now I understand why my father’s only career advice to me was, “Don’t go into retail.”
I know they say that Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are accepted after they expire but hanging on to ones from 2007 might be pushing it just a little. I have so many that I'm making them part of my estate when I pass.
Every three weeks my cleaning person comes in and makes the whole house sparkle, especially the kitchen. So, on that day, I never want to cook and mess up the stove. Now I just need an excuse not to cook every other day of the month.
I can’t believe that after 2 years of participating in Zoom meetings, people still have their cameras pointing up their noses, sit in front of a window so they appear in silhouette or leave themselves on MUTE when speaking. Come on, people, you should have mastered this by now! Can’t you see yourself on the screen? I can, and it’s not pretty!
I object to people who leave their number on a voice mail message but do it so fast that I have to play the recording multiple times to get it down. I, on the other hand, state my name and number clearly and slowly – mostly because I can’t remember my number! It seems that I am being considerate, but it just takes me a while to retrieve it from the filing cabinet in my head! After all, who calls their own home phone if they live alone?
At this point, do we still need to hear instructions on how to leave a voice mail message (“leave your message after the tone”) for a friend? I’ll accept the “You have reached so & so,” or “I can’t answer your call right now, so leave me a message”) part, but is there anyone on earth who doesn’t know the part about leaving the message after the tone?
And speaking of messages, does every recorded message have to include the phrase, “Listen carefully because our options have changed”? How often do these options change anyway? And do these folks think I knew the last options?
I also object to people whose voicemail boxes are full or who don’t check their US mail. I guess the only way to reach some people is to text them or show up on their doorstep.
Fifty years ago, Carole King’s masterpiece album, “Tapestry” took home a slew of Grammys, including Song of the Year for “You’ve Got a Friend.” I almost played the grooves off the vinyl on that record and still consider it among my favorites.
Why is it that I sneeze in the morning? I rarely sneeze at other times of the day, but my morning sneezes are part of my routine. My mother used to sneeze when she went into the kitchen to make dinner. We decided that she was allergic to cooking.
If I had a dollar for every bagel I have sliced in my time, well, I’d have a lot of dollars. And so far, I’m proud to say, nary a knife-inflicted cut on my fingers.
My 2014 car came out just before many of the technology advances that are now common in cars. And maybe that’s just as well. When I picked it up, the sales guy set and showed me how to change the color of the interior lights, which I immediately dismissed, knowing I would never change them. Within 10 minutes, I had the radio programmed for my favorite stations. I can turn on the heated seats and I know how to work the flashers. And while my car isn’t so old that it requires a crank to start it, it does have a key fob that I have to put up against the ignition (there isn’t an actual key). Recently, I dropped the car off for service and was given a loaner, a peppy little 2022 model. I couldn’t figure out how to change the radio station because there are a thousand little buttons and arrows. There is a “key” that goes nowhere except in your pocket, and you press a button to start and turn off the car. Was having an actual key such a burden? It’s not like you don’t need one for the new cars; you just don’t need to insert it into the ignition. Great, I saved a second! My loaner car had bells and whistles and complications that are enough to dissuade me from ever getting a new car again. Maybe I’ll just wait for one of those self-driving cars, so I can read while I ride. Does everything new-fangled have to be so counter-intuitive and complicated? Look out: Someone is showing her age (and age-related crankiness).
I am plagued these days by “tumbleweeds.” What? There is a cornfield behind my street and the farmer did not plow the field under at the end of the growing season, so the tops of the stalks are blowing between the houses on my street and winding up in front of our garage doors, in the bushes and covering the walkways. They are impossible to remove completely because they are wispy and it is hard to grab more than a few at a time. The other day they were calf-high on the way to the front door. As soon as the wind blows, there they go. I no sooner gather them up from one side of the garage door then they blow on the other side. And on a windy day, they blow into the garage when I open the door. I even found some that worked their way into the laundry room. This isn’t a community-wide problem because not everyone backs up to the cornfield, but for those of us who do, the tumbleweeds are a game we can’t win. I feel like I am living in the Little House on the Prairie.
Duke Men’s Hall of Fame Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski is retiring at the end of the season after a 42-year career in which he and his teams won several National Championships and numerous other accolades. He leaves as the winningest coach of all time in college basketball. His achievements have been truly remarkable. But the biggest one to me is that he got everyone to pronounce his name as “Sha-shef-ski” for all this time. How do you get that SH sound from a bunch of Ks? I’m guessing that pronunciation came from his family’s place of origin, which I believe is Poland. In any case, congrats to Coach K on a stellar career.
It’s March, and you know what that means to a basketball fan – March Madness. My beloved Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team had a losing season (despite hustling and working so hard) and isn’t playing in the post-season. But the Rutgers Men got into the NCAA Tournament, or at least into the “play-in” game. If they beat Notre Dame on Wednesday (as we write this), they go on to play Alabama. My fingers are crossed that their season continues. It’s madness, after all.
