Wanted

“You can get anything you want at Alice’s Restaurant,” the old Arlo Guthrie song goes.

Today you would forsake Alice and substitute Craig, as in Craig’s List.

For those of you unfamiliar with Craig’s List, it can best be described as the plainest website this side of Google Search, an on-line version of the old Classifieds you are used to seeing in the newspaper, and, since it is free, it is huge. There is an enormous listing of almost any item, service or desire you might have – even a few I won’t mention here.

Need tickets for a sold-out concert or game? No problem. Looking for a clown for a birthday party? Plenty of listings to suit your needs. A new pet? Meet Russell, the Jack Russell terrier that belongs to my nephew’s friend. His mother got Russell on Craig’s List.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I have neither bought nor sold things on Craig’s list, but I know many people who find this service extremely useful for both buying and selling. When a friend’s husband installed two permanent shade structures on their deck, he removed his old awning and sold it on Craig’s List. When another friend’s daughter had baby number three and needed new baby furniture, she turned to Craig’s List and found great stuff and good prices.

All of that makes sense to me. You want to buy, someone wants to sell. Let’s make a deal.

What amazes me is the plethora of odd items and services available on Craig’s List.

OK, I know about the Craig’s List Killer, and I’m not thinking about those kinds of services. But take a look at the job postings and you’ll find positions you probably won’t see in the Sunday classifieds in The Star Ledger. For example, I spotted a listing for a magician’s assistant. The description calls for a “people pleaser” but doesn’t require that the applicant be willing to be sawed in half, just that the assistant be female (isn’t that discrimination?) between the ages of 23-40 (again, discrimination?), “not shy, willing to work weekends and must work well with children.” I’d throw in “must not mind disappearing on cue.”

Although I fancy myself a good proofreader, I doubt I would qualify for the position of “Bible proofreader.” Hasn’t that project been finished already? Maybe I would be better suited for a position as a “social media guru,” except that it involves blogging about domestic oil initiatives. So much for that.

With all of the CSI-type TV shows on these days, the call for a forensic accountant might attract some interest, though the applicant doesn’t have to deal with blood samples, just spread sheets.

Just as interesting as the job postings is the list of items for sale. In the Babies & Kids category (which makes me wonder if someone is actually listing their children for sale), I spotted this: “Little Tykes Cook N Clean Kitchen – New – Great for Boys.” I’m guessing they bought it for a son or daughter who didn’t like it, which is why it is still new. But great for boys? Why boys in particular?

Other new items included a brand new iPhone “one hour old” – and aging by the minute. Did someone accidentally buy two of these? Why not bring it back to the store for a refund if it is so new? I don’t suppose it accidentally fell off a truck, do you? Or did the teenager for whom it was purchased make Mom or Dad so mad that they took it back in a fit of rage and now want to sell it? There’s a million stories on Craig’s List.

There are plenty of used items available, though I wonder who might be in the market for a used toilet described as “white, possibly circa late 1940's to 50's, tank cracked but sealed.” Is someone really going to buy a cracked toilet from 60 years or more ago? Just wondering. I also spotted a listing for a “jail broken phone.” I couldn’t help picturing Tyra Banks or Russell Crowe as the original owners of that one.

There are numerous categories of items for sale on Craig’s List, so you can find everything from punching bags to pianos, motorcycles, fuel oil and autoharps. Now I know where to go the next time I need a “Mardi Gras Disco Ball Bead Necklace” for $3. You can buy a car, a mattress or the entire contents of a women’s clothing store. I noted many items for $1, such as baseball cards, a WWE Adult Size championship belt and a 2007 Consumer Reports Buying Guide. I doubt the latter is worth a dollar four years later.

Frankly, I’m not sure I am brave enough to have a total stranger show up at my house for this type of transaction, especially if I am selling something worth $1. Maybe it would be worth taking the risk for a $500 item.

There is plenty of free stuff, things people are just dying to get rid of. Some people list “curb alerts,” so on-line shoppers can hop in their cars and traipse to someone’s house to see the stuff that they couldn’t get rid of at their garage sale. These curbside listings are convenient for the sellers – assuming someone comes and takes their junk away. But that reminded me of when I had to dispose of my mother’s comfy old couch. I had to call the town and purchase multiple stickers to put on the couch and then get help hauling it to the curb – only to see it scooped up for free by someone looking for an old couch. I was not permitted to put it at the curb for pick-up without the stickers – or so I was told by the town authorities – so I had to buy them first. Where was Craig when I needed him?

I know people who know people who have gotten everything from apartments to jobs via Craig’s List. But mostly what I got from Craig’s List was a reason to smile and a topic for this month’s blog entry. And by the way, it’s free. I’ll just leave it at the curb.