Thinking Out Loud

You know what jobs do well in any economy?  Sign makers and printers.  How many different names has your bank had?  The local hospital?  Somebody has to design these new logos and have the signs and advertising material done.  The banks alone could keep them in business.

These days, it seems you cannot just go to the doctor.  They force you to go online and complete questionnaires, confirm appointments and view test results.  And yet, when you arrive for the confirmed appointment, having listed all of your current medications and ailments, they ask you anyway.  Who is looking at all of this stuff?  Is anyone looking?  I recently had a colonoscopy, and I had to email a photo of the results from my last trip to the bathroom (I’m trying to say this delicately) to the surgical center prior to my arrival.  First of all, it turned out NOT to be my last trip, but who knew that would happen?  And who looked at it?  No one said, “Hey, thanks for the pictures from your recent visit.  Everything came out so clear!”  If you are having a bad day at work, remember, your job may feel shitty sometimes, but at least you don’t have to look at other people’s pictures of actual…You get the idea.

Truth:  Once you remove something from the box, you will NEVER get it back in the box the same way again.

Everything lasts forever if you don’t use it.  Conversely, nothing works the way it is supposed to if you don’t use it.  Take skin cream, for example.  My hands get cracked and dry, so the dermatologist told me to apply it right after I wash my hands.  But since I fail to follow those instructions religiously, my hands will remain dry and the samples she gave me will last forever.

Bananas have strings.  Corn has strings (silks).  Both are oblong.  Coincidence?  Related?  Discuss.

I live in fear that I will mix up the Aspercreme for my sore back with my toothpaste.  That would be an interesting experience.

Do you walk into a room or open a drawer and HOPE you remember why? Sure you do!

I keep seeing Tom Selleck in commercials for reverse mortgages.  His eyebrows are so dark and big that they distract me from what he is saying.  All I can think of is Groucho Marx.

Here’s something I just learned:  The inspection station (here in New Jersey) just checks your emissions these days.  No more watching anxiously while they slam on your brakes; no more checking your headlights and brights.  Not that I miss the long wait and time spent there, but I have to admit that previously I felt a little safer knowing these things were being checked.  The upside is that I was in and out in about five minutes.  And I passed.

I love technology, but this 3D printing thing has me totally confused.  People are designing and printing everything from body parts to guns to houses!  I keep thinking of paper mache, something that will fall apart if it gets wet.  I guess my regular HP printer won’t do the job.  If you are printing a gun, do you also print the bullets?  Today I saw a spine being created via 3D.  All I know is that if I started printing something, I would either run out of paper or I would get a message that my printer cartridge was getting low and I should replace it with genuine HP parts!

Because I was up, showered and dressed at 7 AM on the day my new file cabinet was to be delivered, and because I cancelled all of my plans to stay home for the delivery, and because I stayed in my office all day so I could keep an eye out for the delivery truck pulling into the driveway, nothing was delivered.  When I finally got the tracking information and called, I was told I would have to “make an appointment” for the delivery.  My response was, “And when were you going to let me know that?”  So, on the appointed day, I was up and dressed at 7 AM and watching the driveway to see if the delivery that was scheduled between 7 AM and 1 PM actually happened.  You KNOW that if I went out for 10 minutes, even to the back yard, the truck would pull up and then disappear forever.  In the words of the late, great Sylvia Gordon, “I spend half my life waiting for these people to show up.”  OK, not exactly half, but you know what we mean!  PS – It arrived, all 100+ pounds of it, dropped in the middle of my office for me to unwrap and put in place – with my sore, aching back.  Done.  When I am determined to do something, there is no stopping me.

A recent episode of the TV show “Younger” was sponsored in part by AARP.  Am I the right demographic?  I guess so.

The importance of having a compelling title and good cover art for a book is probably more critical now than ever.  So many people (including me) now buy their books online (thank you, Amazon) rather than go to a physical bookstore where they can pick up the book and read the jacket synopsis.  Online merchandising means the publisher has to come up with something that grabs your attention or you will scroll right by it.  The problem with reading a book on my Kindle is that I forget the name of what I am reading.  With a printed book, you have the title in front of you at all times, but reading on the Kindle sometimes forces me to go to the home screen to remind me of what I am reading.  Or, it could just be that I am getting old(er) and more forgetful.

I would have much more time to read if I didn’t have to keep up with the book recommendations sent to me every damn day by Book Bub. 

When it comes to Weight Watchers, when I’m good I am very, very good, but when I’m bad, it better not be on the day before the weigh-in.

Unless you are going into a field that requires extensive knowledge of math, here’s all you really need to know: How to calculate the tip on the dinner bill and divide among all of your friends (which you can do on your phone); how much 25% off is at a Macy’s One Day Sale; how ShopRite figures I saved $16.72 when I didn’t even use a coupon; and how much Kohl’s owes YOU when you buy something on clearance, on sale and you have the 30% off coupon.  I know people who have walked out the door with money after buying things on sale.  That’s pretty much it for your math needs.

My scale recently just decided to display my weight in kilograms, which I must admit is a much friendlier number than its equivalent in pounds.  I found the switch and changed it back.  Reluctantly.

I have to question the productivity in the workplace these days when I see so much online activity by people who I know have jobs…

I don’t mind going to the dermatologist.  First, thankfully, I have had no skin cancer or other skin issues that needed more care than applying moisturizer.  Second, she’s the only doctor who doesn’t make me get on the scale.  And finally, she tells me my skin is really good.  It never seems that way to me, but she IS the professional here, so I bow to her opinion.

I’m starting to feel like my own personal Help Desk.  Last week I set up my new computer and transferred my files all by myself.  Then I found a program that shreds files and installed it on my oldest computer, wiped out most of the programs and finally was able to remove the hard drive after many unsuccessful attempts.  I also managed to extricate the CPU, rendering the old computer useless.  And just to be sure, I smashed the hard drive and CPU with a hammer.  Of course, I realize that a 10-year-old could reassemble in minutes what it took me hours to accomplish.  But I am proud that I could handle my own technology issues. 

One more computer thing:  One of my requirements for this new computer was that it had to have a 17” touch screen.  Wow, was THAT the right choice!  I can enlarge the screen in any application, which makes it so much easier on my eyes.  No more squinting to read my email!

There is a day coming in my future that I have dreaded for years.  I know it is inevitable, but I won’t be relieved when it gets here.  I’ll just resign myself to it.  It is the day when I come to grips with a jar that I cannot open.  I don’t give up easily.  I have gadgets, grit, determination – and less hand strength than I used to have.  There’s no one here to ask for help, so I will battle to prevail over the jar.  But I know that day is coming, and I’m not happy about it.

Try to be the highlight of somebody’s day. 

Tina's August 2018 Movies

This month just 10 movies made the cut, but that total makes me exceed 100 for the year with four months left. Movies marked with an asterisk are ones I had not seen previously, and all movies are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, with 5 being the top rating.  Numbering picks up from previous months.

94.  Murder by Numbers* (2002) – With a cast headed by Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling, this movie had my expectations high, but it didn’t fulfill its promise.  Bullock plays an outwardly tough police detective with a new partner (Ben Chaplin) assigned to solve the case of a murdered woman.  While the evidence neatly leads to a school janitor who conveniently shoots himself, Bullock is convinced that two high school students are involved in the crime.  Gosling is a wiseass rich kid and Michael Pitt is a loner who falls under his charmed spell.  But did they do it?  How did they do it and why did they do it, and can the detectives’ meticulous search for clues pin it on two kids?  I didn’t much like Bullock’s character, and while Gosling is always a personal favorite, he isn’t very captivating this time around.  2½ cans.

95.  Like Father* (2018) – This lightweight Netflix movie features two appealing performers (Kelsey Grammer and Kristen Bell) trapped in a contrived, formulaic comedy that is neither funny nor worthy of viewing.  He is the father who abandoned her as a child.  With perfect timing, he shows up after 20-something years to attend her wedding – where the groom abandons her at the altar when she has her omnipresent cell phone hidden within her bouquet.  Father and daughter somehow decide, after a drunken night, to go on her honeymoon together, where they encounter every cliché character possible and proceed to have madcap adventures and hijinks.  I just saved you about 90 minutes, because you know she will become less uptight and he will become a better father.  You’re welcome.  2 cans.

96.  Mr. Mom (1983) – Jack Butler (Michael Keaton) loses his automotive engineer position and his wife Carolyn (the always reliable Teri Garr) goes to work to support the family with a job in advertising under the supervision of Ron Richardson (the always perfectly smarmy Martin Mull).  Jack thinks he can handle the household and the three children, but between leaving calls for “clean-up in aisle 3” all over the supermarket, going the wrong way to drop the kids off, and trying to master the vacuum cleaner nicknamed “Jaws,” he proves not only how utterly inept he is around the house, but how challenging it is to manage a household and children.  Granted, this is not exactly a classic comedy, but the affable Keaton is perfect as the befuddled dad who morphs into, well, Mr. Mom.  The scene with Jack and the neighborhood moms playing cards and using coupons as cash is one of many that made me laugh out loud.  3½ cans.

97.  The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society* (2018) – This movie is about a book club, but it is not like any book club YOU are in.  First, it is co-ed, which happens to have a few advantages over the usual, single-gender variety.  And second, it features four actors straight out of my beloved “Downton Abbey.”  Lily James is author Juliet Ashton, who corresponds with members of the GLPPPS and decides she must meet them.  The action takes place just after WWII, and the members of the club can recount their experiences during the war, when Guernsey was under Nazi rule.  This is an engaging story, filled with warmth, as the group becomes a family.  Also starring Downton Abbey faves Matthew Goode (in a brief part), Jessica Brown Findlay and Penelope Wilton.  It is based on a book, so you might want to stay true to its original purpose and read it instead of watching it, but then you’d miss the loveliness of the location and the talents of the actors.  3½ cans.

98.  Puzzle* (2018) – Poor Agnes (Kelly McDonald) leads a dull and unstimulating life, serving as housewife and mother and practically handmaiden to her tone-deaf husband (David Denman) and two nearly grown sons.  In the beginning of the movie, she is setting up for a birthday party, serving the food and putting candles on a birthday cake that turns out to be hers.  One of the gifts she receives is a jigsaw puzzle, and when she finally takes time for herself to give it a try, she gets through it with blinding speed.  Soon she is out at a puzzle store, embracing her new interest and contacting a man (Irfan Khan) who is looking for a puzzle partner with whom he can enter a puzzle competition.  Agnes comes more alive, taking trips into New York, forgetting about church meetings and failing to show up on time to feed her wary brood and instead showing her amazing gift for puzzles to a stranger.  This is an interesting story about a woman who needs order, who needs the pieces of her life to come together, but who uncharacteristically strays from her routines and broadens her views.  If you’re looking for action, adventure or laughs, you can skip this one.  But sometimes I like to see a quiet little story about how people live their lives and how something so unexpected comes along to change them.  3½ cans.

99.  As Good As It Gets (1997) – Jack Nicholson is Melvin, a feisty, obsessive-compulsive man who people try to avoid.  His routine consists of a daily trip to the local restaurant (which he gets to by assiduously avoiding stepping on any cracks in the sidewalk) where only Carol (Helen Hunt) will agree to serve him.  He is a bully and a bigot – but you know that he will not end the movie the way he starts it.  When he is stuck caring for the dog of his gay neighbor Simon (Greg Kinnear), he actually shows a break in his armor by liking the dog, though he belittles Simon at every possible chance.  That, too, will change.  Nicholson is at his best as a blustery bigot, and Hunt’s single mother of a sick child helps to inject a more humane approach in Melvin.  Sometimes you have to check your situation and wonder about your own life, “Is this as good as it gets?”  4 cans.

100.  The Remains of the Day (1993) – Each time I see this masterpiece, I find something new in the story of an unspoken, unrequited love story between a butler and a housekeeper serving a large English estate.  Mr. Stevens (Anthony Hopkins) is the always-proper butler and major domo of the household, loyal to his master and able to manage the staff and the household with alacrity.  For someone always so present, he can practically make himself invisible.  He dares not take in the discussions between the German-sympathizing lord of the manor and his would-be diplomatic friends that take place between the two World Wars, lest he be distracted from his duties.  Not even the death of his father, a man formerly of his position but now resigned to mops and brooms in the household, can take him away from serving.  His counterpoint is Miss Kenton (the wonderful Emma Thompson), who serves by his side for many years, always calling him Mr. Stevens and answering to his Miss Kenton.  Will these two people acknowledge that their relationship is more than butler and head housekeeper?  Can they express their feelings when given an opportunity?  If you are a Downton Abbey fan, you will love this look at the downstairs folks that shows their dedication as well as their sacrifice of self to the duties of service.  5 cans.

101.  Running Scared (1986) – Ray and Danny (Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal) are two Chicago undercover detectives charged with apprehending drug kingpin Julio Gonzalez (Jimmy Smits).  They are best friends and running buddies, unconventional in their approach to police work, wise-cracking and nearly fearless.  The story here matters less than the chemistry between the two men and the action, with plenty of car chases, including a race along Chicago’s L train, and a shootout in the State Building.  Hines and Crystal have magic between them, which makes this buddy movie worth seeing.  If you want to see a couple of guys on the run in a much funnier movie, check out “Midnight Run.”  3 cans.

102.  The Last Movie Star* (2018) – Burt Reynolds plays Vic Edwards, fading former Hollywood star, who accepts an invitation to be honored at the Nashville Film Festival.  Little does he know that the festival is nothing more than a Vic Edwards Fan Club meeting of a small but loyal group of mostly men in their 20s who adore the star and his somewhat campy movies.  Vic is put out, but he uses the opportunity to walk – slowly – down memory lane, accompanied by the young woman (Ariel Winter) assigned to pick him up at the airport and drive him around.  This is a poignant story of a man who recognizes exactly where he is on the career path, who but can’t help looking back on what once was.  The producers managed to work in scenes from his actual movies, sometimes keeping the virile superstar walking with the present-day model, even showing off that infamous Playboy centerfold of Reynolds at his peak of popularity.  Wow, I guess we have all gotten old.  I found this on Amazon Prime (free to members).  3 cans.

103.  All the Queen’s Horses* (2015) – The most famous citizen of Dixon, Illinois, was President Ronald Reagan.  And then Rita Crundwell came along.  As a finance person in the city administration, Rita was responsible for paying bills, keeping accounts and practically every financial matter for Dixon.  Renowned as a horsewoman who owned many expensive, prize-winning quarter horses, Rita was well known to the townspeople.  But she became truly infamous when it was discovered in 2011 that she had embezzled $57 million from the town’s coffers over 20 years, enabling her to purchase real estate, take vacations and live the good life on the salary of a municipal worker.  I couldn’t help but wonder what the town budget was if no one noticed the disappearance of $57 million over time.  How did she do it and how was she caught?  It was remarkably simple to pull off:  She simply created a phony account with phony invoices and transferred the money from the city accounts to her own.  And no one questioned it.  This story’s red flags are blinding, yet the auditors and the banks with whom the town did business picked them up.  For more details, take a look at this documentary on Netflix.  Maybe those televised town meetings on the local community channel are more interesting than I thought.  3 cans.