My New Job Is Me - January, 2007

A bit of a tease, admittedly, but for those of you hungry for the answer to the question, “Whatever happened to What’s Her Name?” I thought I’d give you an update on retirement, a state to which I encourage you all to aspire.

As you know, I left Johnson & Johnson without a detailed plan, deciding instead to take advantage of my new freedom to pursue all the things I never had time to do. Turns out that more of my time is spent sleeping and moisturizing than I ever thought possible. I’m making up for years of sleep deprivation, trying to get at least 7-8 hours a night. But the moisturizing – I swear – seems like it occupies even more of my time. With separate NEUTROGENA, JOHNSON’S and AVEENO products for my face, feet, hands, lips and legs – including different products for morning and night – I’ve counted at least six different products I currently use, all designed to keep my skin smooth, supple and not looking like the leather jacket in my closet. I think that if I didn’t sleep on flannel sheets, I’d probably slide right out of bed. Really, how do we sell this stuff? I’m not sure if the serums are supposed to be injected, ingested, rinsed off or absorbed. It’s not that I don’t want EVERYONE to say, “You look 10 years younger since you retired,” but who can differentiate between all the different brands and types of products for each part of the body? What happens if I use the foot cream on my hands (don’t tell anyone, but once my feet are finished, I do rub the rest on my hands; after all, what ARE you supposed to do with it?); will the NEUTROGENA or AVEENO police break down my door and haul me off to a moisturizer-free cell somewhere?

I’m working my way toward being “positively ageless,” though with the inclusion of shitake mushrooms in several AVEENO products, I sometimes feel more like I am preparing a salad than caring for my skin. And did I mention that I now exfoliate? I’m not sure why, but the package promises great results and makes me feel guilty for not following the prescribed routine. Please don’t mention any of this to my dentist, or he and the hygienist will insist that with all this time devoted to skin care, surely I can squeeze in a regular session of flossing. But who has the time?

During the few waking hours I have that are not devoted to skin care, I have found the joy of afternoon movies (I highly recommend “The Queen” and “Notes on a Scandal.”). I have visited museums, attended too many Rutgers basketball games to even count and joined Weight Watchers (yet again). I’m signed up for three photography courses and considering a trip to Italy. And believe it or not, I spent my first full day of retirement at the Motor Vehicle Agency, which was only too pleased to accept 10 different forms of identification that promise I am a U.S. citizen and to take a digital picture of my face (pre-moisturizing routine, I am afraid, so I still look 56; on the other hand, the license is good for six years, so hopefully I’ll look 56 then, too).

As you can see, retirement is a full life, and life is good. I hope you have had many occasions over the last month where you have had a good laugh and thought of me. What with all that moisturizing, I haven’t had much time to think about you.