April Observations

Why is it that when you are in a hurry you get every red light and it seems to be National Slow Drivers Day?  And when you are ahead of schedule, you always get green lights and there is no traffic?

You know you're getting old when you pick up a book at the library and it turns out to be a large type edition, and you realize that you don't even mind because it will be easier to read.

Here’s another thing I have noticed about getting old:  Women shrink and sag, their hair gets thinner and their hips get fuller.  Men get bushy eyebrows and longer earlobes.  And I no longer have to shave the inside of my legs, my calves.  Just an observation.

There are some days when I have to look down at my shoes to make sure I am wearing an actual pair.

There are days when I drive 100 miles and I don't go anywhere.

Does this happen to you?  You look for something in the place where you just KNOW it will be, except that it isn’t in its place.  So you keep looking there, and finally give up because the item – a utensil, a pair of shoes, a sweater – is NOT where it was supposed to be.  Then you randomly glance at the spot in question at another time, and there it is.  What happened?  Did the thing you were looking for slip away for some sort of dalliance?  And how did it get back?  Ah, the secret life of your stuff.

Recently I went to visit a friend who has an adorable dog.  I am not a dog or cat person (sometimes I’m not even sure I am a people person), but I find Byron irresistible.  I’ll even let him sit on my lap and gaze and me with his puppy-dog eyes (even though he isn’t a puppy anymore).  Before I left for the visit, I decided that I would stop at Pet Smart to buy Byron a gift.  I have NEVER been in a pet store.  It was overwhelming.  What should I buy?  I found a few likely candidates, but when I realized they squeaked, I figured it best to avoid that type of annoying sound.  After browsing the aisles for something that Byron would want to play with, I settled on a bunny from Ellen DeGeneres’ pet line.  I went the register to pay and the cashier asked me if I had a loyalty card.  I told her I had never even been in a pet store before, which she found shocking.  I told her I wasn’t sure this was the right gift, so she asked me what kind of dog it was.  “He’s black,” I answered.  What do I know?  Then I remembered he was a snickerdoodle, or something like that.  You know, part poodle and part something else.  She probably went home from work that day shaking her head about the dopey woman who came into Pet Smart that day.  PS – I barely had the bunny out of the package when Byron seized his gift, ran around the room with it and spent the day chewing the ear right off the bunny.  I think he liked it.  And no, I am NOT getting a dog!

I recently took an on-line quiz about one of my all-time favorite movies, “Animal House,” and aced it.  I’m not sure what that says about the information stored in my brain, but as the motto of fictional Faber College asserts, “Knowledge is Good.”

I totally get the relatively simple concept of losing weight:  “Eat less and move more.”  But sometimes that motto seems to morph into “Eat more and move less,” which, I can assure you, does NOT yield the same results.  So I have come to this realization about the very logical and effective Weight Watchers program:  If you are not making progress, you are probably making excuses.

I read an article that says there is scientific evidence that eating chocolate cake for breakfast (and the timing is critical, according to the research) can increase your intelligence and help you lose weight.  I approach this news with skepticism, hope and a fork.

The question is never “How long CAN you keep Girl Scout Cookies in the freezer?”  It is always, “How long WILL you keep Girls Scout Cookies in the freezer?”

With all of this talk about our appliances performing “surveillance” on our daily lives, I’m wondering if Alexa is divulging my shopping list to anyone.  And who could possibly be interested in knowing that I need bananas?

And speaking of bananas, here is my question of the day:  Why are the bananas in Stop and Shop ALWAYS better than the ones in ShopRite?  They aren’t bagged, for one, but they are consistently superior to the lame ones in ShopRite, even if they are the same brand (Chiquita, etc.)  Such a mystery.

My idea of pressure is getting a 14-day book from the library.  Will I have time to read it and return it?  What if it is late and that goes on my permanent record?  I can’t take the pressure.  It is easier to just buy the book.

You know your day is busy when you think you can’t afford the two minutes it takes to run the electric toothbrush for the full cycle.

Whenever someone tells me something that is confidential and says I should not repeat it, I always think, “No problem.  I’m probably not going to remember it anyway.”

There is no time that I speak more clearly than when I am trying to enter destination information into the navigation system in my car.  However precisely I enunciate the address, she fails to understand and cannot locate the desired destination.  Frankly, I think she is suffering from some sort of hearing impairment issue, because what she CLAIMS to hear and what I actually said are so completely different (like I saw "Raritan" and she thinks it is "Matawan).  It would be easier to fold and unfold a map – or just use my phone, which magically picks up every word I say when asking for directions.

Does this happen to you?  I’ll wake up during the night with a sore knee or a sore throat or some ailment, which, of course, feels so much worse during the night, and in the morning I’ll call the doctor’s office for an appointment, whereupon I instantly feel better.  So I don’t take anything, hoping that when I get there whatever is bothering me is at its worst so the doctor doesn’t think I’m a hypochondriac.  The same thing happens with the car.  You hear a terrible noise, make an appointment, and by the time you get to the service place, the noise is nearly gone.  So then you try to replicate it so the mechanic can diagnose it, which almost never works.  Odd, isn’t it?

Lately I have been having more problems than usual sleeping.  I may have trouble falling asleep, but it is what happens during the night that makes me crazy (and now you know how that happened).  I will wake up at 3 or 4 AM and have a discussion with myself about whether I should get up and go to the bathroom.  Am I awake BECAUSE I need to go?  Or should I go because I am awake?  So I get up and go, which makes me consider WHY I had this internal debate in the first place, since I always get up and go.  And then I go back to bed more awake than when I first got up and I can’t fall asleep again.  I make sure I am in what I consider a real “sleeping position.”  The pillows are arranged just right, there’s no pressure on my shoulders and my hands are unclenched to prevent carpel tunnel.  I am cool and comfortable – and fully awake.  If I could get exercise points for tossing and turning I’d be in great shape!  Should I get up and read a book?  Should I see what movies are on the DVR?  Should I put on the TV?  I refuse to turn on my phone before 7 am (most of the time).  I roll over and ask Alexa my schedule for the day or the temperature – as if I can do anything about either.  Just go back to sleep, I admonish myself.  Sometimes I try to meditate, to calm my mind and relax my body – if I can stop thinking about relaxing!  I’ll tell you, it is NOT easy being me, and it is certainly a relief to everyone that I live alone.  No one could put up with me.  I can’t stand myself when I am tossing and turning.

I think I had a bad dream last night that was prompted by the recent United Airlines incident when a passenger was dragged down the aisle of the plane in an effort to “re-accommodate” him (airlines parlance) since the flight was overbooked.  In the dream, I was at an airport, trying to get somewhere, and the authorities kept questioning me, delaying my departure.  I woke up so upset and reluctant to go back to sleep because I was afraid the dream would continue – which NEVER happens.  And I wonder why the bags under my eyes look like they came from American Tourister!