1. I
went to the Hallmark store recently to buy a bunch of birthday cards for the coming
weeks. The terms of my loan run for 3 years.
2. I find that whenever I ask someone how to do something that they know and I don’t, the instructions always seem to start with, “You just…” That’s when I know I am in trouble, because whatever they are doing never seems to work the same way for me.
3. Do you know how hard it is to find pantyhose these days? I know, I know, nobody wears pantyhose, but for a semi-formal wedding with a black dress, I didn’t want my pasty white legs showing. It has always been tough for me to buy pantyhose. When you are short and heavy, the pantyhose that fit around your hips are about two feet too long. And the ones that are the right fit for your legs come up between your knees and your crotch. Don’t give me those dreaded control top versions: I can’t get them over my hips and, if I could get them on, I couldn’t even think about taking them down for a trip to the bathroom. Gone are the days of buying L’Eggs in the egg-shaped package. What was the significance of that branding anyway? Did the pantyhose hatch?
4. If I ran for office, part of my platform would be that all toilets must be “comfort height” as the higher ones are described. And public restrooms would require grab bars or something that would make it easier to use the toilets. I am accustomed to the higher type toilets in my house and using a public restroom makes me feel like I am squatting over a hole in the floor. And while we are at it, why do we call them “restrooms?” Who goes there to rest?
5. Why is it that the days of the week all incorporate the word “day” but the months of the year don’t include the word “month?” I guess we have to figure out that they are months.
6. I liked the days when I could find the Yankee game on good old WPIX in the New York area. I could turn it on, listen to a few commercials for Ballantine, and enjoy the game. Now finding the game is like a scavenger hunt. Is it on the Yankee Network? Possibly, unless it is the featured game on ESPN or another network. Or it could be on Prime Video, a streaming network. Or Peacock, or some other place I can forget to look. The olden days were so much simpler for sports fans.
7. And speaking of the Yankees, the baseball season for me ends when the Yankees lose. After that happens (which seems to be every year), I no longer watch. At least I won’t be staying up late to watch games. Bring on college basketball!
8. We seem to agonize over which color to pick when we paint a room. But before long, they all look the same anyway, unless you choose a bold color for an accent wall. Otherwise, it is impossible to tell the difference between countless shades of gray or beige.
9. Why do we need two ways to spell “gray?” “Grey” and “gray” have exactly the same meaning, don’t they? Why couldn’t we settle on one version?
10. The other day my weight was down a pound. That must have been a good haircut the night before!
11. I got a new picture taken so I could renew my passport. You can’t wear glasses or smile in the picture, and with the bags under my eyes not obscured by glasses, I looked like an ad for Botox or cosmetic surgery – before! I guess the passport police don’t let you smile because if they need to track you down, they can use your passport picture as a mug shot. Look for mine in the post office!
12. My nail salon is very quiet: no people talking loudly on their phones or with each other or engaging in conversations with the nail techs. The sound there comes from the whirring of the grinders and sanders and polishers, sounds that you would expect to hear in a workshop or dental office! And to relax clients, there are large monitors showing colorful fish swimming amid coral, snowcapped mountains, seaside vistas and even views of earth from space. The one scene that perplexes me is the shot of complicated, winding highways, with dozens of ramps and curves that immediately make me nervous, even though I’m not driving. Stick to the scenic views!
13. My dentist cleaned my teeth the other day. He shot so much water into my mouth that I should have worn a cape like I wear at the hair salon instead of a useless paper bib! And, by the way, his name is Dr. Chu – a great name for a dentist!
14. Can we talk for a minute about actress Diane Keaton, who died last week? We should all wish that we would be as beloved as this independent, talented woman, who could be a dramatic actress (as in “The Godfather,” all three of them) or a comic actress (as in countless Woody Allen and Nancy Meyers films). In every interview, she exuded a quirky charm, humility and grace. Her iconic style – menswear, large belts and her trademark hats (See “Annie Hall”) – was unique to her. She was not just likable on the screen; she seemed like someone you could join for lunch and have a wonderful time. Her legacy is dozens of movies that viewers will enjoy for generations. Since she passed away, I have already watched several of her movies, and viewing “The Family Stone” this year during the holidays will take on a special significance. Thanks for the memories, Diane Keaton.
15. I must also salute one of my all-time favorite actors, Robert Redford, who passed away recently. He was extraordinarily handsome; his Sundance Kid poster hung on the walls of my bedroom. He was also a terrific actor. I loved him in the big movies, like “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” and “The Sting,” and I have seen “All the President’s Men” too many times to count. But watch him in “Three Days of the Condor” and “The Electric Horseman,” and laugh with him in “Barefoot in the Park” or “The Hot Rock” to see his range. And then there’s “The Way We Were.” When Barbra Streisand touches his face and hair in the final scene across from the Plaza Hotel, millions of women (including me) swooned. Now that was a love story! RIP, Sundance.
16. With Taylor Swift always making news AND music, I realized that I knew very little about her work. So lately I have listened to her music on Sirius Radio (until they discontinue her station). I knew some of the big songs they played on the radio, like “Shake It Off,” and I believed her when she declared, “We Are Never, Never, Ever Getting Back Together,” but I never explored the breadth of her catalog. I can really hear her country roots in her earlier songs, with the teenage lyrics and twangy guitars, but as she grew as an artist, her songs became more sophisticated. She has her share of angst, and, if you are one of her former boyfriends, you probably think this song is about you. But her more recent work shows a maturity and depth that I did not see coming. Normally, I listen to oldies stations, and I’m never, ever, ever going to hear Taylor Swift there – at least not for 20 years, so this experiment gets me into the Taylor Swift game.
2. I find that whenever I ask someone how to do something that they know and I don’t, the instructions always seem to start with, “You just…” That’s when I know I am in trouble, because whatever they are doing never seems to work the same way for me.
3. Do you know how hard it is to find pantyhose these days? I know, I know, nobody wears pantyhose, but for a semi-formal wedding with a black dress, I didn’t want my pasty white legs showing. It has always been tough for me to buy pantyhose. When you are short and heavy, the pantyhose that fit around your hips are about two feet too long. And the ones that are the right fit for your legs come up between your knees and your crotch. Don’t give me those dreaded control top versions: I can’t get them over my hips and, if I could get them on, I couldn’t even think about taking them down for a trip to the bathroom. Gone are the days of buying L’Eggs in the egg-shaped package. What was the significance of that branding anyway? Did the pantyhose hatch?
4. If I ran for office, part of my platform would be that all toilets must be “comfort height” as the higher ones are described. And public restrooms would require grab bars or something that would make it easier to use the toilets. I am accustomed to the higher type toilets in my house and using a public restroom makes me feel like I am squatting over a hole in the floor. And while we are at it, why do we call them “restrooms?” Who goes there to rest?
5. Why is it that the days of the week all incorporate the word “day” but the months of the year don’t include the word “month?” I guess we have to figure out that they are months.
6. I liked the days when I could find the Yankee game on good old WPIX in the New York area. I could turn it on, listen to a few commercials for Ballantine, and enjoy the game. Now finding the game is like a scavenger hunt. Is it on the Yankee Network? Possibly, unless it is the featured game on ESPN or another network. Or it could be on Prime Video, a streaming network. Or Peacock, or some other place I can forget to look. The olden days were so much simpler for sports fans.
7. And speaking of the Yankees, the baseball season for me ends when the Yankees lose. After that happens (which seems to be every year), I no longer watch. At least I won’t be staying up late to watch games. Bring on college basketball!
8. We seem to agonize over which color to pick when we paint a room. But before long, they all look the same anyway, unless you choose a bold color for an accent wall. Otherwise, it is impossible to tell the difference between countless shades of gray or beige.
9. Why do we need two ways to spell “gray?” “Grey” and “gray” have exactly the same meaning, don’t they? Why couldn’t we settle on one version?
10. The other day my weight was down a pound. That must have been a good haircut the night before!
11. I got a new picture taken so I could renew my passport. You can’t wear glasses or smile in the picture, and with the bags under my eyes not obscured by glasses, I looked like an ad for Botox or cosmetic surgery – before! I guess the passport police don’t let you smile because if they need to track you down, they can use your passport picture as a mug shot. Look for mine in the post office!
12. My nail salon is very quiet: no people talking loudly on their phones or with each other or engaging in conversations with the nail techs. The sound there comes from the whirring of the grinders and sanders and polishers, sounds that you would expect to hear in a workshop or dental office! And to relax clients, there are large monitors showing colorful fish swimming amid coral, snowcapped mountains, seaside vistas and even views of earth from space. The one scene that perplexes me is the shot of complicated, winding highways, with dozens of ramps and curves that immediately make me nervous, even though I’m not driving. Stick to the scenic views!
13. My dentist cleaned my teeth the other day. He shot so much water into my mouth that I should have worn a cape like I wear at the hair salon instead of a useless paper bib! And, by the way, his name is Dr. Chu – a great name for a dentist!
14. Can we talk for a minute about actress Diane Keaton, who died last week? We should all wish that we would be as beloved as this independent, talented woman, who could be a dramatic actress (as in “The Godfather,” all three of them) or a comic actress (as in countless Woody Allen and Nancy Meyers films). In every interview, she exuded a quirky charm, humility and grace. Her iconic style – menswear, large belts and her trademark hats (See “Annie Hall”) – was unique to her. She was not just likable on the screen; she seemed like someone you could join for lunch and have a wonderful time. Her legacy is dozens of movies that viewers will enjoy for generations. Since she passed away, I have already watched several of her movies, and viewing “The Family Stone” this year during the holidays will take on a special significance. Thanks for the memories, Diane Keaton.
15. I must also salute one of my all-time favorite actors, Robert Redford, who passed away recently. He was extraordinarily handsome; his Sundance Kid poster hung on the walls of my bedroom. He was also a terrific actor. I loved him in the big movies, like “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” and “The Sting,” and I have seen “All the President’s Men” too many times to count. But watch him in “Three Days of the Condor” and “The Electric Horseman,” and laugh with him in “Barefoot in the Park” or “The Hot Rock” to see his range. And then there’s “The Way We Were.” When Barbra Streisand touches his face and hair in the final scene across from the Plaza Hotel, millions of women (including me) swooned. Now that was a love story! RIP, Sundance.
16. With Taylor Swift always making news AND music, I realized that I knew very little about her work. So lately I have listened to her music on Sirius Radio (until they discontinue her station). I knew some of the big songs they played on the radio, like “Shake It Off,” and I believed her when she declared, “We Are Never, Never, Ever Getting Back Together,” but I never explored the breadth of her catalog. I can really hear her country roots in her earlier songs, with the teenage lyrics and twangy guitars, but as she grew as an artist, her songs became more sophisticated. She has her share of angst, and, if you are one of her former boyfriends, you probably think this song is about you. But her more recent work shows a maturity and depth that I did not see coming. Normally, I listen to oldies stations, and I’m never, ever, ever going to hear Taylor Swift there – at least not for 20 years, so this experiment gets me into the Taylor Swift game.
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