May or May Not

Even if no one else is thinking about me today, at least I know that the folks at Swimsuits for All miss me very much. They emailed me to let me know. You don't think they are trying to get me to buy something, do you?

They really like me at CVS. They are always asking me for my date of birth. I think they are planning a big birthday party for me!

My Lifetime Health Club offers complimentary coffee and conversation every Wednesday morning. I don’t drink coffee, but maybe I’ll just go for the complimentary conversation to see if anyone says anything complimentary about me.

Red Lobster just announced that is closing its doors. I guess that "endless shrimp" isn't quite so endless now.

It's official. I have lost my mind and can no longer be trusted with important household decisions, like buying the Select-a-Size paper towels. Somehow, I bought the full-sheet size. My punishment for this transgression is that I will have to cut or rip the sheets so I don’t waste the full sheet on something that deserves no more than a half of a small sheet. I cannot be trusted!

Did you know that Barry Manilow did NOT write his classic, “I Write the Songs?” It was written by Bruce Johnston of the Beach Boys. Ironic, no?

I’m still trying to figure out how I went to the Dollar Store for a strainer and walked out $25 later. It must have been the baking soda. And hat’s off to baking soda. You not only can use it in baking, but surely you have a box in your fridge to neutralize odors (or you should!). You can use it to unclog the sink, clean fruit, relieve a diaper rash, clean your oven and wash your clothes. And if you go to the Dollar Store, you can buy name brand Arm & Hammer for $1.25. BS is the MVP (Most Valuable Product)!

Confession: Summer started in April this year, the day I bought ice cream. I broke my own rule about not eating ice cream from Labor Day to Memorial Day. Please don’t turn me in if there is, in fact, a tribunal that regulates these things. I’m still solid on no soup in the summer, however.

My printer makes these random noises that sound like it is about to print something, even if I haven’t sent anything to the printer. I guess it wants me to know that it is ready when I am.

I had to pick up a prescription at CVS that was so expensive that even the person ringing me up asked, “Are you aware of the cost of this prescription?” I am aware and had checked previously with the insurance company to make sure the charge was correct. Sadly, it was.

I went to my doctor for my annual physical and I don’t know which one of us had more questions. She wanted to know what vaccines I had gotten, when my other doctors’ appointments took place, and she recommended going to a podiatrist to look at a nasty blister on my toe. I let her know about some recent medical issues that she needed to follow and I told her that my orthopedist thinks I need a knee replacement. I have something in my armpit scheduled to be removed, I can’t get rid of this congestion, especially in the morning, and my hair is thinning. I swear, when I was done, I could picture Roseanne Rosanadada talking about Mr. Richard Feder from Ft. Lee, NJ! Yet the doctor said I was doing great. She didn’t even tell me to lose weight. Are you looking at the right chart? You know it’s me, right?

I had to call a doctor’s office today after not having been there for about 20 years. Would you believe I was still in the computer? Amazing!

Going to the dentist for a cleaning and x-rays is the dental equivalent to going to the gynecologist for a pap smear. You know you have to do it, but you hate it. They both shine lights and stick metal objects into your orifices and you know that will be uncomfortable. The command to “bite down” for the x-ray while the device practically permeates your soft palate is similar to the gynecologist’s command to “scoot down and relax.” You know the pain is coming. 

Does anyone get anything useful out of those ValPak and MoneyMailer coupon packets that come in the mail? It seems there is a special focus on garage doors, siding and roofing, bugs and pests, and windows and doors. Right into the recycling pile for me.

I bought Crazy Glue, which touts its strength as 1000 pounds. I hope that is enough to glue the broken handle back onto a Corningwear bowl that I use for fruit and ice cream (not together!). I have had a set of three bowls forever, which makes me wonder if I once had four…

I’m so accustomed to paying my bills online – either through automatic payments or by going on a supplier’s portal – that writing a check for a random service that doesn’t allow online payments seems antiquated and unnecessary. And if I ask someone to “venmo” me the money they owe me and they DON’T use Venmo, I take it as a personal affront.

I only buy striped sheets – not boldly striped; subtle tone on tone works, too – because when I make the bed it is easy to see which way they go.  As we know, I can’t fold them, but those stripes come in handy when the sheets are changed.

The AC guy was in my basement for such a long time checking out my system that I was afraid of what he was going to find! I immediately ordered the new filters he recommended and I hoped he would be gone before Amazon delivered them!

My kingdom for a decent rom-com!

If you see me post on Facebook using an emoji that is supposed to look like me, please contact the authorities immediately. Someone has taken over my identity or has a gun to my head. I don’t even like the phony, made-up word EMOJI so I’m not about to start using those obnoxious symbols.

I have filled out so many forms for doctor appointments lately that it feels like a part-time job. I know they have to ask the questions, but can’t I just enter the things that have changed since the last time? My previous surgery dates remain the same, yet I have to review everything all over again. And then you check in online and they send you a QR code that you are supposed to bring with you to the appointment. I dutifully follow instructions, yet no office has ever asked me for that code or bothered to take it from me!

I don’t take well to change. Previously, I documented my disdain for the new Johnson & Johnson logo – and I use the word logo loosely since the traditional one in script was elegant and the new one is non-descript. I recently got a letter from my gynecologist to let me know the practice is no longer in a relationship with United Healthcare. If anyone thinks I will abandon my gynecologist at this age, think again (but please settle with United Healthcare!). Now my dentist informed me that he is retiring, effective this summer, and has sold the practice to another dentist. Coincidentally, I had an appointment with him the day after receiving the letter and I told him that I expected our relationship to be forever, not just for a measly 29 years! Last week I drove past the Christian Science Reading Room in Manville and noted that it is now a smoke shop. I still haven’t recovered from the closing many years ago of the Famous Gaston Avenue Bakery in Somerville (don’t get me started on the 7-layer cake and those cookies). The building was demolished, and a new police headquarters is being constructed there. I doubt they will have lines around the building on the day before Easter or Thanksgiving! I would have liked to shop for a dress for my nephew’s wedding at Lord & Taylor, but, alas, it, too, has left the mall and gone out of business. The former lamp shop, Capitol Lighting, is now an axe-throwing emporium (I hope there is a nearby Urgent Care). The Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Italian restaurant on Route 22 in Green Brook, long ago became a Japanese eatery. I know that things change and we have to change with them to survive, but I don’t have to like it, do I?