January Gems

Some things take 2 years and 10 minutes to do. You don’t get around to doing it for 2 years and when you finally do, it takes 10 minutes to get it done.

My sister was having problems with her Alexa, so I suggested she unplug it, wait a few minutes and then plug it in again. I also told her that if I were on life support, she should not try that technique to resuscitate me.

Is it just me or does anyone else see the irony of the star of the movie “Ferrari” being Adam Driver?

It took all the restraint I could muster NOT to lift the lid on the crockpot while my pot roast was cooking (for 8 hours). But I stayed strong and it was worth the wait!

I find it amusing that the word "crockpot" autocorrects to "crackpot."

For the life of me, I don’t understand why the soap I buy comes in a carton that has a closure on the end flap so you can reuse it. Does the manufacturer expect someone to reinsert the soap and store it in the box as it is being used? Make that make sense. What am I missing?

I started the year off right by changing the water filter in the Brita (which I have resolved to use more often to cut down on bottled water), reorganizing the kitchen utensil caddy so the spatulas can be together, cleaning, polishing and sealing the granite countertops in my kitchen, cleaning the washing machine and the refrigerator. Next up is setting up the compact seated elliptical exercise device I bought to get exercise while I watch TV. The first step is opening the very heavy box, which I made the UPS guy move into the house. Now let’s hope it doesn’t end up sitting idly next to the super-duper exercise bike in my bedroom. Ah, those New Year’s Resolutions!

Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, the parking at the health club where I go is jam-packed lately. Once those New Year’s resolutions start to be broken, I should be able to get a much better parking spot. Of course, I AM going there to get exercise, so a little extra walking is for my own good!

It doesn’t matter who you are or where you are, when your song starts playing, you will whip out your air guitar and start lip synching down the aisle at ShopRite, in an elevator or driving your car. And if it is a song by the Temptations, you will be doing the choreography, too.

I don’t think I have ever entered a sauna without saying, “Wow, it is really hot in here!” But isn’t that the point?

Every now and then I hear a commercial/promo for the Structural Steel and Bridge Painters Union on the car radio. It touts the virtues and importance of the organization responsible for maintaining many New York landmarks. I’m just not sure what I am supposed to do with this information. I’m not in the market for a bridge painter and they aren’t asking me for money. What is the target audience and the desired impression/result of this campaign? 

We need some kind of consistency in the use of expiration dates on food. You can find them stamped on the label of this food or the bottle cap of that drink or the bottom of that can. And sometimes they appear in a secret code – or not at all. I’m going to stop buying anything that doesn’t clearly show its expiration or “best used by” date so I won’t need to inspect the item before using. 

I have the world’s most insecure printer. When I send a document to be printed, I get a message that says, “Your printer needs your attention.” Why? Is it feeling left out? Underappreciated? Just do your job and stop whining.

I recently went to a real, brick-and-mortar bookstore. Wow, I forgot the wonder of the place, filled with the smell of new books, the shelves boasting all kinds of notebooks and writing implements, the feeling that I was surrounded by opportunities to learn. I love my Kindle and shopping online at Amazon, but I hope we still have bookstores to experience books live and in person.

I miss the old Lifesavers, the roll with cherry, orange, lemon, lime and pineapple. I was a lime person, so while everyone else vied for the cherry, I was content to go for the green and the lemon. You can still find the rolls at concessions stands at the airport, but the green is now watermelon (why?), and grape stands where lemon used to be. Bring back the originals!

I also miss Nabisco’s Social Tea Biscuits. Not too sweet, not overly buttery, they were a great compromise cookie when eating Milanos made me feel guilty (like every time). From my research, it appears that they are no longer being made. There are other brands that advertise themselves as “tea biscuits,” but I’m not buying it.

There have been a number of storms lately that have caused major flooding in my area and the surrounding communities. I am signed up to receive alerts about closed roads, etc., but that means I can find 50 messages waiting for me when I check my email. By the time I have read one saying a certain road is closed, there’s already an updated message saying that road is open again. I want to get the alerts, but I’m feeling flooded with messages. Pun intended.

The storms also mean that people flock to the supermarket to strip the shelves bare of bread, milk, water and toilet paper, as if we will be housebound without necessities until spring. 

If you ever hear or see me using the word “awesome,” that is a clue that I have been kidnapped, held in captivity and forced to read words not of my own choosing.

Slicing through cardboard boxes for recycling is so much better with a sharp utility knife. It is worth tossing the old one and starting with a new one if you don’t have a lethally sharp blade. 

Late last year, despite having a maintenance contract on my heating and cooling systems, my heat stopped working, luckily not during a major chill or snowstorm, but it was cold enough for me to pack up and head to my sister’s house for a couple of nights. I ended up needing a new thermostat, gas valve and control board, all for the bargain price of about $1500. Happy Hanukah to me!  At least I was able to spend a few nights with my sister until things were repaired.

Is it just me or does everyone else have problems signing into Apple TV+? I don’t use it that often, but when I do a QR code appears on my TV and I’m asked to scan it. That doesn’t work, so I have to go online to sign in. Then I can’t remember my password, so I have to go to my office and check it. All this to find something to watch!

Why is it that to pay my retina bill online, I have to go to the website, sign in, wait for a code, enter the code, confirm that I am NOT a robot and whatever else before they accept my payment? Are there a lot of people out there trying to pay my bill for me? I know, privacy, data security, blah, blah, blah, but I swear it is just ME trying to pay my own bill. Don’t make this so hard!

In the history of “Chopped,” the Food Network cooking competition, has anyone ever successfully made risotto – or at least to the satisfaction of judge Scott Connant? People, give it up. It’s not going to happen. Ever. Potatoes are hard enough but better than the risotto, which, to make correctly, requires constant stirring. You DON’T have the time for that!

Have you noticed the increasing use of nouns as verbs? I just Venmoed money to a friend for lunch. I’m Zooming today at 3 and I’m Googling the definition of verbs and nouns. I can get home by Ubering a ride. My English teachers from Somerville High School are rolling over in their graves.

It’s not easy being me. If the font is changed on a street sign, I notice. The spacing between words on a sign was inconsistent enough to bug me (instead of merely not looking at it). If I see a typo – God forbid – or I hear a sportscaster say he “done” something I start to twitch. I want to tell the designers of People magazine that their font is too small and there are plenty of pages where the type is too light to read properly. I know I am not perfect and I don’t know why I bristle over mistakes that no one else would notice, but this stuff drives me crazy.