July Grins & Giggles

Last week there was a blob on my rear window so big that I drove for miles thinking I was being followed.

For reference, if I say “today,” “yesterday,” “last week,” etc., I could be referring to any day or even no day because I made the whole thing up. My blog, my rules, you know?

No one I know sleeps well anymore. People can’t fall asleep or stay asleep or they have to get up and use the bathroom during the night. I never know if I wake up because I have to go or if I go because I woke up. Some people can’t get through the day (or a movie) without a nap. Others have to use C-Pap machines and wear masks to help them breathe. Sound familiar? The result of all this is that I now can get text messages before 7 AM because we are up and functioning early. My phone rule used to be to never to call anyone before 10 AM, but now, we are all awake and communicating.

I appreciate the fact that my friends know me well enough to send me a text in the middle of a baseball or basketball game because they know that I am watching what they are watching. Or they see a clip on Instagram and send it to me because they know we laughed over that scene 50 years ago. Or they go to a concert and send me a video of my favorite line in a song because they know that, too.

Alexa is big on alerting me to the poor air quality in the area. She reports that the alert will last until 12:45. So what happens at 12:46? All is clear? How about 12:40? Way too soon to breathe outside? She will also let me know that there is a “51% chance of rain,” which is as noncommittal a forecast as you can get. 

I had a smart thermostat installed so I can tell Alexa to adjust the heat or air conditioning from the comfort of my couch – or even remotely if I am away. I’ll specify that I want the thermostat set at 74 degrees, but Alexa prefers to deal in temperature ranges and not specifics. “The thermostat will maintain the temperature between 72 and 76 degrees,” she will advise me. You can’t just say 74, Alexa? 

My parents didn’t need Alexa. They simply had to say out loud, “turn up the thermostat,” or “turn off the hall light,” and my sister and I would have to get up and do that chore! 

I told my hairdresser to just cut the gray hair and leave the brown. Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.

I am all about hooks. I have hooks behind my closet door, bathroom doors, in the laundry room and everywhere else they come in handy. There should be a law that all ladies rooms have hooks on the door for our coats and purses. And please put one up in your guest bathroom. I need a place for my bathrobe and PJs.

How exciting is my life? For Amazon Prime Day, my big discount purchase was washing machine cleaner. What a deal!

There was a New Jersey category on Jeopardy one night recently and one of the clues was: “It was actually a trio of brothers who founded this New Brunswick-based health care company in 1886, but it goes by This & This.” None of the contestants even made a guess, no less knew the answer – What is Johnson & Johnson? My friends, former colleagues and I were appalled at their lack of knowledge!

Ladies – remember when you shaved your underarms and you couldn’t put on antiperspirant because it would sting? Remember when you had to shave your underarms in the first place? 

Anyone who can figure out their cable bill or insurance claims should automatically get a PhD in math.

A bear was reported on the loose in my town and authorities warned residents not to approach the animal. Really, do people think it’s Yogi Bear and they can just make friends with him? You don’t have to tell ME twice to stay away!

There's a character in the book I'm reading (“Rock, Paper Scissors”) named Henry Winter. Every time I see his name, I read it as Henry Winkler. The character and the actor could not be more different. I wish he were Henry Winkler!

Those pop-up ads for carry-on bags by Biaggi and the Foldie make make me laugh. They show people easily packing multiple pairs of shoes, pants, bathing suits, dresses, tops, etc., even adding a hat. Meanwhile, I have bags from both of them and I can barely put my pool stuff in the Foldie – and that’s without a towel! I couldn’t pack a week’s worth of clothing into a carry-on bag if someone threatened me at gunpoint to do it. These people must have clothes that could fit a Barbie doll. Real people’s clothes are MUCH bigger! I will admit that I am an overpacker, but these bags can merely supplement the giant suitcases I need. 

I have been taking aqua aerobics classes off and on (mostly on) for about 12 years now. The irony is that when I am in the pool, I don’t want to get wet! If a swimmer is in a lane adjacent to our class and is a big splasher, I move. 

Don’t you hate it when you are trying to find a spot in a parking lot and you think you found one only to see that a car is in that spot but you couldn’t see it because it was flanked by SUVs? Unofficial survey – More than half the vehicles in the lot by my gym are SUVs. It is not only hard to find a parking space, it is also hard to back out because you can’t see whether another vehicle or a person are about to pass behind you. Or is it just me?

If you are the first person at the red light, it is your responsibility to pay attention and be ready to go as soon as the light turns green. How frustrating it is to be the 7th person on that line and know you will be there for another light because number 1 is not shooting out when the light is green!

Of all of the knives in my kitchen drawer, one remains my favorite after years of use. It is a knife that I bought from an infomercial (not a Ginzu knife; this one is only labeled “TV Knife”) years ago. It was one of those pitches that if you bought one now you could get a second knife for free or something like that. It is perfect for slicing bagels and rolls and even tomatoes. I keep buying more knives and having the more expensive ones sharpened by a guy in my community who provides that service very inexpensively, but nothing will ever top that late-night impulse purchase. I wish I could say that about all the rest of the gadgets I just had to have and found disappointing.

There is that period of time when you enter your password and you’re waiting to access a website or app and your heart is in your throat because you don’t know whether you used the correct password. Who needs that kind of stress?

I received an important message from my power company, PSEG, letting me know that “Weather could affect your energy use.” What an astute observation. You mean that when it is hot I might use the air conditioning more? No kidding!

I just had the house power washed and had the windows cleaned. Expect storms the rest of the summer. Meanwhile, the house was so clean and the windows crystal clear plus the cleaning service cam that day. I felt that I better sit in one place and not move so as not to disturb the cleanliness!

I am saddened by the shuttering of the award-winning Sports section of The New York Times. The sports reporting will now come exclusively through the online outlet The Athletic, which the Times purchased last year. The Times had great writers and editors, recipients of Pulitzer Prizes and people very well-respected for their journalism. I am sad to see the demise of a tradition that falls because of the changing commercial landscape. 

One of my favorite lines from a TV show is in “Taxi.” As his former girlfriend Zena marries someone else, Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) borrows a line from fellow driver Alex Rieger (Judd Hirsch) to let her know how he feels. “Happiness is hard to come by in this life, and you’ve given me more than my share.” I hope each of us has someone in our life to whom we can say those words. Poetry in a sitcom.

Summer Milestones:

•    May – Days are getting longer and flowers and tomatoes are available at the local nursery or ShopRite.
•    Mother’s Day – It is now safe to plant those flowers and tomato plants.
•    Memorial Day – Bring out the burgers, the parades and tributes to the fallen soldiers. And get those plants in the ground. It is now ok to begin eating ice cream again (this is MY rule, so you can feel free to indulge at any time).
•    June – Proms, graduations, weddings, showers. Schools close, shore season starts.
•    Father’s Day – More barbecues.
•    Late June – Official start to summer, longest day of the year, followed by each day getting shorter from here on.
•    July 4 – Parades, barbecues and watching the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating contest on ESPN. I love hotdogs but I could never eat the rolls if they are dunked in water.
•    After July 4 – Outdoor concerts around for free. You can start buying coats at Macy’s but if you haven’t bought a bathing suit by now, good luck.
•    August – Dog days, heat and humidity. Be sure to wear a sweatshirt in the supermarket. Those people wearing tank tops look really cold. You have more home-grown veggies than you know what to do with.
•    Late August – Corn, tomatoes and peaches abound at the local farmers market. School supplies are on store shelves everywhere but Bed Bath and Beyond is no longer with us. What do I do with my lifetime supply of those huge coupons?
•    September – Labor Day. End of summer unless you have a place at the shore. Now that the bennies have gone, you get a few weeks of peace and quiet. Schools open, buses are back on the roads. Days are noticeably shorter. And you can’t believe summer went by so fast again this year.