June Jollies

A friend stayed over and woke up late, explaining that she overslept. Funny, because I underslept and was up by 5 am.

I recently had to return something I bought online NOT from Amazon. The instructions said to return my item to Staples to a “Returnista” at the "Happy Returns" desk. Is that like a barista at Starbucks? I can just hear a child telling his mother, “Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a Returnista.”  At least I didn’t have to go the place of all hyperbole – the “Genius” bar at Apple.

I hate paying for shipping, which is one of the reasons I buy most of my online stuff through Amazon, where shipping is free for Prime members. The sellers should just bake the shipping costs into the price of the item. When you get a salad with your meal in a restaurant, you know that’s not free, right? It is baked into the price of your entree. That’s how all shipping should be. In my opinion, of course!

When one waxes poetic or nostalgic, does one use a paste or liquid wax? Can you quote “The Karate Kid” with “Wax on, wax off?”

I am a terrible (over) packer. If I come to your house to stay for a day or two, don’t panic. I know it looks like I am moving in, but that’s just my indecisiveness about what to bring with me. I like options. As long as I am traveling by car, my motto is “Bring it!”

At my age you have to go through the inventory of what you need to have on you at all times: Wallet, keys, phone – and the Tide Stain Stick (or is that just me?).

It strikes me as ironic that my hair is getting thinner and my body…well, it’s not getting thinner. 

It used to be so much fun to go to see Broadway shows. Now, between the cost of the tickets, the hassle of getting into the city – car? train? parking? – the show has to be really special for me to go. I miss those days when my friends and I routinely went into the city, felt safe, loved the shows and enjoyed a pleasant drink and some laughs. Once we were having so much fun drinking margaritas out of boot-shaped glasses at some bar on Broadway that a woman came up to us and asked if she could join us. Somewhere in my files is a picture of me and the girls – and some stranger who had a special treat. Of course, no one is more entertained by us than us! I miss those days!

I’m trying to figure out why the supermarket cannot give me a bag – plastic or paper – for the many items I buy there, but if I buy a top from Kohl’s, I get a nice paper bag with handles (that I use for my paper recycling). Explanations welcomed!

Sign on the door of the pizza place – "Due to vacation reasons, we will be closed from July 1-9." If it is a vacation, you need no other reason.

The biggest lies:
    That outfit makes you look thin.    
    The check is in the mail.
    The repairman/delivery will be there between 12 and 2.
    Don’t worry about that acne (said to a teenager). You will outgrow it.

I was in the dentist’s office recently and after having read the diplomas on the wall to pass the time, I was stuck looking at the X-rays of my teeth. If there weren’t so many of them, I would have sworn they were pictures of my toes with nail polish – the nail polish part being the fillings. Very strange.

I used to be able to get into the car and just take off. It seemed like the car knew where to go. Now I have to start the trip by thinking about the route to get there, the construction underway that will hold me up or add time to my trip, the alternate route to avoid the traffic. It is amazing I wind up in the right place at the right time anymore!

I can’t think of anything more boring than sitting at the nail salon waiting for my manicure to dry. I waited more than 20 minutes last time and still managed to ruin a nail on my way home. In the salon where I used to go, the owner offered a clear, fast-drying coat that she charged $1 more to use. So little of the polish is needed for one coat that she must have made hundreds of dollars off that little bottle. If you get a gel manicure, your nails look terrific and last for a very long time, PLUS, you don’t have to sit and wait for them to dry. But every time I get a gel manicure, my nails split and break once the polish comes off. I know, first world problems.

There was a very advanced construction project going on outside my front door – the building of a bird’s nest. My own projects should go that quickly; this bird was as busy as a bee, starting the construction sometime on Sunday afternoon and finishing on Monday. I went out the front door and noticed a bunch of branches and debris and looked up to find it. Some of my neighbors urged me to keep it, stating that it would only be there for 8 weeks or so. Eight weeks? I can’t go out the front door without seeing a mess for 8 weeks? I’m not interested in having an aviary on my front porch. A few had more practical advice about putting things in the spot where the nest was built to ward off future construction. I’ll go with that approach. PS – The nest was removed before it became a nursery so all’s well. 

If you want to make someone’s day, tell them that their hair looks nice. Yesterday I told an older woman with very short white hair that I loved her hair (I did!) and she was thrilled.
Overheard at the doctor’s office: Receptionist –
“What body part is it?”
“Left or right?’
“I’m sorry, only one body part per visit.”

I hope it wasn’t the patient’s eyes!

My sister had to stay home for the PSEG meter reader who needed access to the house this one time and it reminded me how we used to have to read our own meters and place those little cards with the wheels in the front window or on the door where they could be seen. I was always afraid I would forget (maybe once I did). Glad those days are over!

I finally stopped wearing a mask to ShopRite in May, but one day the store was very busy so I put one on again. I think the only people wearing masks by then were me and a few folks who looked like they were from the cast of “Cocoon.”

One of the main qualifications to be an exercise instructor is the ability to count backwards from 8. And the phrase you most want to hear them say is, “Last one.”

Pet Peeve – Filling out medical forms by hand when the space allotted for each question is so tiny you can barely read the question, no less write the answer. And please don’t give me ONE LINE to list all of my current medications! I need to submit a separate page for that info. 

I went out to dinner with a group of 10 Douglass friends in town to celebrate their 50th Reunion. This begs the question: How many college graduates does it take to figure out the bill for 11 people? I think it took 10, because I just handed over the money and added nothing to the process.

The world lost a true legend with the passing of the iconic Tina Turner. A woman of formidable talent and energy, she was as fierce as they come, reinventing herself just to stay in the game. Current superstars like Beyonce and Lizzo paid tribute to her, declaring that they would not have built careers without following Tina’s lead. I saw Tina in concert several times and can attest to her ability to transfix the crowd. She was a force of nature who was justifiably known as “The Queen of Rock & Roll.” I admired her so much that I taped her picture over mine on my work ID card. She could belt out a song with such force! When producer Phil Spector drafted her for the vocals on “River Deep, Mountain High,” he created a record that was unlike anything that had been recorded. And then there are her signature pieces, “Proud Mary,” with Tina’s explosive dancing and spinning around the stage, and the aptly named, “Simply the Best,” which is my new morning hype song. In her later years, Tina she made peace with the trauma she had endured and found a way not just to survive, but to thrive, spending her last years on an idyllic Swiss estate with a much younger husband whom she adored. I have listened to her music for decades. I read her book, watched the “Tina” documentary, saw the Broadway musical “Tina,” and absorbed the concert experience live. I feel a darkness where Tina’s light used to be. Rest well, Queen. Love had plenty to do with it.