Spring Things

Ah, Spring! The flowers are starting to bud, the cherry blossoms are out and the smell of mulch is in the air. God, I hate the smell of mulch!

I wish I could wrap gifts as neatly as the guy at the deli wraps my turkey sandwich. I also wish I could make a turkey sandwich that neatly.

The guy in the bagel store who came in after me was there to pick up an order of French fries. From the bagel store? I know they sell sandwiches, but who gets French fries from a bagel store? At 9:45 AM, no less? While wearing a suit and tie?

Speaking of the bagel store, when did bagels increase to the size of a wagon wheel? I have to squish them down after cutting them just to get them into my wide slot toaster. 

I have found recent episodes of “Jeopardy” dull and unengaging. What we need is an interesting champion who we can love or dislike while they sustain a streak. I suggest a new senior version of the show with one less category so we have a little more time to wade through all the stuff clogging our brains and come up with the answer. They could add categories like Medical Ailments and Music Only From the 60s that we would know. I could see my friend Linda Caldwell Epps running the History of NJ category. Martha Boughner will handle John Philip Sousa Music, I'll take Mickey Mantle and TV, and we'll assign Psychology to Debbie Lunch. I can see seniors loving this new format. What do you think?

My neighbor bought a white Ford Bronco and now, of course, I can’t stop thinking of OJ Simpson and the slow-speed chase. 

I long for the days when I could just turn on WPIX 11 and watch the Yankee game. Now you practically need a detective to find the games. Some are on the YES Network (which you might not get, depending on your cable company), while others air on the Amazon Prime streaming service. Fox might pick up a game or ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball might air one. You can watch some games on the MLB network or subscribe to MLB.com. If you’re lucky, your game won’t be blacked out in your market. Why does following your favorite team have to be such an ordeal?

Does anybody want to fold the laundry for me? I’m tired of it.

We have become stat-happy as a society, particularly in sports. Is there any real significance to having two lefthanders named Bob face each other on the mound in a Tuesday night game? Does it matter that this is the first time since 1987 that a quarterback has thrown two touchdowns to a man whose brother plays on the opposite team? I could go for fewer facts here, sports media, though I suppose this is all driven by the betting world, who will place a wager on just these kinds of tidbits.

I hate scheduling. I do fine on my own; I can balance out my medical appointments and my meetings just fine. But introduce other people to the mix for planning lunch or just a visit, and you get every reason why they can’t commit. “My neighbor’s going to drop off her dog that day”. “We have a wedding in Ethiopia the following week and I have to pack.” “We might be picking up a new car that week.” “My granddaughter is trying out for the soccer team and I might have to pick her up.” I’m not saying these reasons are phony, just that it is tough to schedule anything with other people, and the more people involved, the tougher it is. Even when something is a recurring event, like my book club meetings, people can’t seem to get it together. We meet on the 4th Tuesday of the month, and we never end a meeting without someone asking, “When is the next meeting?” Why is this SO HARD?

I had such a large stash of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons that I thought I might have to leave them to someone in my will. I never suspected that I would outlive the store! I drove past the Bridgewater store recently and almost cried out loud when all I could see in the space were a few empty display shelves. I like to see the towels in person, check out the colors and feel the fluffiness. I will miss rifling through the Fieldcrest bath towels, wondering what the “Hotel Collection” means, and picking up an extra long hair towel for my far-from-long hair. I’ll miss looking at the sheets and comforter sets. Sure, I can shop online AND use the coupons, but it’s not the same. I haven’t even recovered from the demise of Linens & Things yet, so this one really hurts. 

And speaking of size, who can possibly figure out whether the roll of toilet paper is “ultra” or “mega-sized” and what that means. Toilet paper math is perplexing: ”6 rolls = 48” boasts one package. One thing we must agree on is that the paper should always go OVER the top of the roll. If your opinion differs, just move along, and know that if I am at your house and see it placed UNDER the roll, I WILL switch it to place it correctly OVER!

I haven’t yet seen this year’s Oscar-winning Best Picture, “Everything, Everywhere All at Once yet because life is keeping me hopping with Anything, All Over the Place, All the Time.

I’m at the point now that between arthritic knees and old age, it is tough for me to pick things up off the floor. Now if I drop something and it rolls under the furniture, I have to ask myself how much I really need it and when is the cleaning woman coming in? Can this wait a week or two? 

In an attempt to reduce spending money buying books for my Kindle, I went to my local library in Manville, NJ, where the nice people allowed me to get one of their cards and download books on my Kindle. I was about 75% through with the book I borrowed and it simply disappeared on the due date. But the good library folks walked me through how to sign on and borrow the same book again, and, when I did, it opened up to exactly where I stopped reading.

I finally understand why guys are outside wearing shorts in the coldest weather: They are coming from the gym. The new gym I joined is like Grand Central Station, with people of all ages coming and going all day (the place is open from 4 AM to midnight), toting bags and yoga mats and wearing shorts or yoga pants so they can bend and stretch and pedal in a class that would probably kill me. Or they are using equipment that looks like medieval torture devices or lifting what looks like their bodyweight in dumbbells. Some of these people may want my help in explaining rotator cuff surgery years down the line. I’m not there for Pilates or hot yoga or a class called “Shred,” which I don’t think has anything to do with getting rid of my old tax returns. I’m there for aqua aerobics, a brisk class filled with my kind of people – mostly senior women who can “sweat it out” in the pool for 45-60 minutes while moving to my generation’s classical music – like “Build Me Up Buttercup” or anything Motown. Disco works, too. It is fun, motivating and you work up enough of an appetite to eat in the gym’s café once you’re done. You can buy all kinds of smoothies there, but nary a carbonated beverage. I go to my new aqua aerobics now three times a week and I think I’m ready to be named to the President’s Council on Physical Fitness (does that still exist?). 

Exactly how many times do I have to convince the internet authorities that I am not a robot? Not now, nor have I ever been.

Ah, the dulcet tones of Dateline’s Keith Morrison. I could listen to Keith all night – and sometimes I do. Just find Dateline on the Oxygen Network and he’ll be there slightly more often than Dennis Murphy or Josh Mankiewicz, just enough to lull me to sleep and stay asleep.

I was looking for something one morning that I couldn't find. Instead, I found my proportional wheel in case I feel the need to crop some pictures. Then, a week later, looking for something else, I found my old slide rule, still tucked neatly in its case. I will defy the admonitions of organizer Marie Kondo and keep both, even though neither has or will ever bring me joy. I have had the slide rule for about 60 years and I’m not getting rid of it now! I don’t know why I kept these things on the first place. I haven’t felt the urge to use any of these tools for decades. That goes for anything else related to math, aside from figuring out the tip at a restaurant. Maybe I should bring an abacus for that chore.

My favorite nephew turned 30 on March 30. It’s funny how he has gotten older while I have remained timeless. I treasure every memory I have of him, of the things we did together, of the conversations we have had and of seeing his accomplishments. His next big milestone comes next year, when he marries the most perfect young woman, who happens to be his ideal match. I look forward to many more memories of times together.