September Silliness 2022

Considering my doubts about the need for and viability of the British monarchy, I am surprised at how sad I am about the death of Queen Elizabeth II. She had been Queen for almost as long as I have been alive, a steady presence who outlived her many prime ministers, US Presidents and other important historical figures. It will be difficult to get accustomed to hearing "King Charles," but he has been in the on-deck circle for his entire life, so I guess it's his time. I have nothing but respect for the late Queen, who dedicated her life to serving her country, including in the Armed Forces. It wasn't a job she pursued or was even expected to have, but when it was thrust upon her, she served with distinction and dedication. Rest well, Your Majesty.

Why do people refer to “the four corners of the earth” when we know that the earth is round? We do, don’t we?

When I look in the mirror, I alternate between “you don’t look so bad” and “what the hell happened here?”

As of August 31, Costco has on its showroom floor a giant snowman, a display of lighted reindeer and other reminders that Christmas is a mere 4 months away!

I hate knowing I’m late when I haven’t even left the house yet!

I was going to give someone a piece of my mind on the phone the other day, but then I realized that I couldn’t spare it.

New episodes of “Jeopardy” are back on the air, so you will have to forgive me if everything I say is in the form of a question.

There are so many reusable grocery bags in my trunk that there is barely enough room for the groceries.

Where did I get so many reusable water bottles? I’m trying to remember to use them and to stop using bottles of Poland Spring. More washing but less recycling!

My GPS tells me, “Prepare to make a right.” How much preparation does this require? Is there a course I have to take, a certification I need? Sure, if I am driving on the interstate, I should get over to the right-hand lane to turn right, but if I am driving in town or on a two-lane road, trust me, I’m prepared to make that right.

For someone who watches as much TV as I do, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I never have watched any of the shows nominated for an Emmy Award as best drama. I've only watched “Abbott Elementary,” “Ted Lasso” and “Hacks” on the comedy side, and I stopped watching “Mrs. Maisel” this year. I started watching “The White Lotus” and hated it, so I stopped. It looks like I have some catching up to do now!

I have watched too many episodes of “Dateline.” When I watched one recently about a woman who vanished, I noticed the nice pictures of her on the screen and wondered what pictures of me would be used if I ever disappeared. That’s crazy!

Can we talk about the absolute annoyance of “REPLY ALL” to emails? I live in a senior community, and everyone here seems to think we want to see them tell EVERYONE that they have cast their ballot for the HOA Board, or that they like a picture of a tree or a bird that Shirley posted, or that they, too, might have seen a coyote but they aren’t sure. People, get a life! I don’t want to opt out of the messages, because when someone posts that they loved their new neurologist or painter, that might be useful to keep. But the other stuff is a waste of time and mailbox space!

Why do people – especially athletes – say that they have “given 110%?” Isn’t 100% the top of the scale? Have we cranked up the volume from 10 to 11 now? (Raise your hand if you get that reference.)

I recently got a package from Amazon in a big cardboard box that had this message on it: “This box is suitable for use as a diorama.” I don’t have kids and I was in school before someone invented the cruelty that is a diorama, but shouldn’t any large box be suitable for that purpose? If you were a desperate parent trying to help your child at the last minute with a school project, wouldn’t you have stashed away a box or two for this purpose?

If you cough – not sneeze – and someone says, “God bless you,” should you explain it was a cough, not a sneeze, which doesn’t generally merit a “God bless you,” or merely say “thank you?” And does it matter? I know you’re thinking NO.

I wonder why we sneeze, and why we sneeze multiple times. I exhausted myself one morning with a sneezing fit before my feet even hit the floor.

I can’t remember life before Adjust-a-Size paper towels, but I don’t think I could live without them now.

What kind of violence takes place in my washing machine? Things come out of there inside-out, upside-down and backwards. The socks are smart enough to try to escape the torture. 

I recently spent an hour on line at the inspection station where I amused myself by filing my nails and watching people taking their driving tests. One person had three tries to parallel park before they finally got it right. I feel your pain! One of the few times in my life that I parallel parked perfectly was on my driver’s test, which I still consider a major achievement. Remember when cars did not have power steering? Wrestling your car into a parking space was a real workout! Hence the trepidation about parallel parking!

Car inspection in NJ used to be so scary. You never knew whether your inspector woke up surly that day and you were going to fail. When the person in the little booth at the end of the lane finally scraped off your sticker, you just prayed you passed. Now, there is no more slamming on the brakes or checking your high beams. It is strictly an emissions test – yet I still sweat it out until the car passes!

Desperately seeking bagels. When was the last time I had a decent bagel, one with an actual hole in the center that didn’t look like a hard roll? What I am finding these days are doughy, fat bagel pretenders that don’t even fit into the toaster. When it comes to good bagels, bigger isn’t necessarily better.

I sprained my thumb recently while taking a nap. Apparently, I tucked it under my chin inadvertently and leaned on it the wrong way. I had a neck pillow right there, but I just conked out. I’ll survive.

I have been watching tennis all summer, it seems. At the US Open, legend Serena Williams put on a great show before bowing out in what MIGHT be her last hurrah in Flushing Meadows. She will go down in history as the greatest female tennis player ever, objections from Margaret Court notwithstanding. And the men ushered in a new era with the ascension of 19-year-old Carlos Alcaraz to the World #1 ranking with his thrilling win over Casper Ruud, displacing the usual triumphant triumvirate of Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic. Thanks to Serena for a lifetime of thrills, and here’s to many more victories from young Mr. Alcaraz. 

Public Service Announcement: For those of you following my very successful experience with cataract surgery who have been told that you are developing cataracts, I recommend that you take an aggressive approach to have the surgery done. Push to get it done sooner rather than later. It took 5 years for mine to get to the point where I really NEEDED the surgery, but could I have gotten it after 2 years or 3? It's great now finally being able to see clearly, but I wish I had done it sooner. No one suggested that at all. We were just "keeping an eye" on my cataracts. Talk to your eye doctor and speed up the process if you can. Why should we suffer when we could enjoy improved vision sooner?

While waiting in the treatment room for my eye injection, I looked around and realized I was able to read almost everything in the room, including a colorful diagram all about the retina and wet macular degeneration, which is what I have. I had never been able to read it before. When the doctor came in, I pointed to the poster on the wall and said to the doctor, “Do you see that poster?” He said yes and looked at me quizzically. “So do I,” I declared.

One last medical thing: The doctor’s office always sends out reminders to arrive 15 minutes before my appointment. Why, so I can wait that extra 15 minutes watching bad TV in the waiting room? I never arrive late, but I am there within 5 minutes of my scheduled time, usually not a minute sooner!

I have been trying to set up an appointment to get my Real ID for months, but the only available time slots seemed to be in Cape May, Camden or Elizabeth. So, when I noticed openings in South Plainfield, I snagged one fast for August 30. I printed out my confirmation and assembled 512 pieces of ID that were enough for everyone at the agency. I hit the road nice and early for my 10:15 appointment, and even though I got lost, I still arrived early. It turns out that I was 2 months early, because the date I had booked was actually October 21! The date on the confirmation I proudly pulled out to show the clerk read October 21. What? How could that be? I knew I had a hold on that date for something important that I had to do so I wouldn’t have scheduled anything at that time. I asked whether they could take me anyway since I was already there, but, no, that would have been way too easy. So, I went home and made another appointment - in November! And forget South Plainfield; I'm heading to Edison and I know exactly where the MVA agency is located.