Please, 2022, be kind to us.
I think I’m going to change my name to Tina Google. So many people ask me questions that they could easily answer themselves if they simply used Google or other resources (Is recycling tomorrow? Who was the actor in such-and-such movie?). Google is where I end up going to get the answers to the questions other people ask me.
All day I have had the song “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story running through my head. But I don’t.
Sign in the window of the local convenience store: “Fine Cigars/Bait.” Are the cigars used for bait? Are cigars what people look for when they want to lure fish? Luckily, I need neither, so I’ll never know.
Why do we need to stretch in the morning before we get out of bed? Sometimes when I stretch, I get a nasty charley horse, and that really gets me out of bed in a hurry. But I just wonder why we have that need to stretch, as if we have slept all swaddled like babies. Anyone? Anyone?
And why do we yawn when someone else yawns in front of us?
I don’t get the point of wearing a vest as outerwear. There will never be a time that my chest is cold and my arms are not. Give me a coat, a sweatshirt – anything to keep me toasty warm all over!
Last week I drove behind a truck from a place called Biosphere Remediation, which listed among its services “crime scene remediation” and “murders, suicides and unattended deaths” (which I would have thought fell into the first category). For a moment – just a moment – I thought about following that truck, hoping to land on the set of an upcoming episode of “Dateline,” but then I considered how messy that might be, so when he went right, I went straight.
It’s nice to know that every call I make is important to whatever office I’m trying to reach, but even if I listen carefully because the menu has changed, am I really supposed to know which of the 9 options to choose to speak with someone? I know for sure that I am not calling from a physician’s office, but the others? Too many choices! I long for the days when Consuela took the calls and was the nurse assisting Marcus Welby, MD. In fact, I long for a doctor like Marcus Welby, MD, who knew everything and was assisted by that cute but greasy-haired Dr. Steven Kiley (James Brolin).
Last year I had a problem with two of the Moen faucets that came with my house. I contacted the company and they sent me new parts (which didn’t work out, but that’s another story) for free. I recently received an email inviting me to join the Moen Plus Club, where I can get complimentary benefits, priority customer support, special offers on Moen products and much more. How many times do they think I will be fixing or replacing my faucets? Do I need to belong to a “club” to be able to wash my hands? I’ll pass.
Oh, great! As if it isn’t bad enough that ShopRite practically begs me to check myself out, now my Retina practice wants me to schedule all my own appointments. What’s next? I will have to do my own eye exam and then give myself my own injection? This self-service stuff has got to stop. Thank God I live in NJ, where pumping your own gas is still verboten!
I admit that I’m not interested in taking care of anyone but myself, so there are no other people in this house, no pets and only one living house plant, my dear old philodendron. Phil has been with me for years, asks for nothing, and has managed to survive despite my sometimes-criminal neglect. Earlier this year, I noticed that most of his leaves were dying and there didn’t seem to be any new growth. I wondered if this would be the end of Phil. Somehow, with a little more (or maybe a little less?) water and lots of hope, Phil is growing new, green leaves again. I don’t know how he got sick or how he got well. I just know I would have missed him if he died. Here’s to Phil!
When I was growing up, the only spices we had in the house were salt, pepper, paprika and garlic powder, and they were kept on the top of the stove – for YEARS! There were no printed expiration dates at that time, so you only bought a new container once the old one was empty, which was once every decade or so.
My Brother P-Touch handheld label printer has been warning me that it has a low battery for the past year. How insecure can one device be? I’ll worry about replacing the battery when it stops working! I might just replace the device anyway because peeling the backing off of the label is nearly impossible! There must be a better way.
I’m being plagued by tumbleweeds! They aren’t really tumbleweeds (it’s not like I live on the streets of Laredo), but the tops of the corn stalks from the cornfield located about 100 yards behind (not even directly behind) my house. The land is used to grow corn for animal feed, and I guess that previously the farmers cut down the stalks but did not this year, because they are blowing all around the neighborhood. They aren’t easy to catch since they are light and blow in the wind, and they are littering my driveway and getting caught in my bushes, where I am afraid animals will grab them up and use them for nests. You’d think I lived out on a prairie or something with this issue.
Who is this Boba Fett of whom you speak? Until Boba Fett graced the cover of a recent issue of TV Guide, I had never heard the name. Then I read the cover story and learned that Boba Fett is a character from one of the trillions of Star Wars movies and spinoffs that have been circulating for years – all without my knowledge or interest. I’ll just add this to the list of programs I won’t be watching. I know these things are extremely popular, but none of them are my cup of tea. I’ll pass.
We Jersey folks cannot tolerate anything other than a Jersey tomato. Forget those pink-orangey things. Take those slices off the BLT and wait for summer, when the bright red, plump and juicy tomatoes are back. Nothing else will do!
My county library recently announced that there will no longer be late fees charged for the tardy return of borrowed books. I wonder whether charging a few cents was ever a viable source of revenue, and I’ll bet that those fees discouraged people from borrowing books. I guess this means the waiting lists will be longer since people will take more time before returning their books without the threat of a late fee, but I also hope it means that more people will take advantage of the wonderful resources available to all of us through the library.
Betty White. Thank you for being a friend.
Here in the Memorial section, I salute the consummate great actor, Sidney Poitier, who passed away in January. To me, you can draw a straight line from Sidney Poitier to Denzel Washington to Chadwick Boseman for tremendously gifted Black actors with memorable performances who were also people just as outstanding offscreen. Did you know that Denzel Washington anonymously paid for part of Chadwick Boseman’s education? Now we have Denzel left and we’re putting our faith in Michael B. Jordan as his successor. What a legacy of talent.
And I also say a fond farewell to Ronnie Spector, one of the great female voices of rock and roll, the leader of the Ronettes. Her song “Be My Baby” stops me in my tracks whenever I hear it. It is my all-time favorite song. I wish we had more from this wonderful artist. How she survived marriage to Phil Spector is a story on par with Tina Turner’s life with Ike.
With Omicron closing things down again, I’m starting to increase my stash of toilet paper this year. I panic if there are fewer than 36 rolls in the house!
I can’t believe that I am still signing emails and messages with “Stay safe and healthy.” Please wear your mask, don’t take unnecessary chances of exposure, get tested, and if you haven’t already been vaccinated, please do it for yourself and for the rest of us. Enough already with this virus, as my mother would surely have said!
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