October Offerings

Let’s face it, nobody wants to pay for shipping.

The post office has declared that the price of postage will be going up and the service will be slowing down. That’s like saying, “the food is terrible and the portions are so small.”

Remember when we used to have to lick stamps? What a pleasure it was when they became self-stick! Now that we are in the throes of a pandemic, wouldn’t it be a good idea if greeting cards came with self-stick envelopes? My bill paying envelopes are self-stick, but do I really want to put my tongue on a greeting card envelope? Luckily, the Post Office is so slow these days that any germs I put on the envelope will have died a slow and torturous death by the time the card reaches its recipient, but still…

The Dollar Store announced that it will start selling things for more than a dollar. I was always amazed at how much stuff they sold for just a dollar – things like ceramic bowls, glass vases, decent quality plastic containers – and now we will have to see whether the store will begin carrying higher-priced merchandise like clothing or will simply raise their prices on existing merchandise. And will they change their name to something like “Used to Be the Dollar Store?”

It seems to me that if you use the word “nowadays” or the phrase “back in the day,” you have thrown in the towel and acknowledged that you are OLD.

I guess you have to be “of a certain age” to remember when hair salons were called “beauty parlors” and the hair stylists were “beauticians.” Personally, I always felt those terms overpromised the results.

Speaking of being old, I hit the 70-year-old milestone last October, and I was just getting adjusted to it when it occurred to me that in two weeks I will be 71. I’m not sure I’m quite ready for that!

My mind might not be the steel trap it once was (and when was that, you ask?), but I really don’t think I require two emails, two text messages and a voice mail to remind me to show up for my teeth cleaning! And then please don’t send me a survey about my visit that arrives by the time I get home!

Fall officially starts when I wash the sweatshirts. I have already done four loads.

The only positive thing about the Yankees’ failure to advance in post-season play is that I won’t have to stay up until all hours to watch the games. If the Yankees aren’t in it, I’m out!

I can’t take the pressure of walking into the nail salon and trying to pick a color. It can’t be too dark, too light, too pink or too orange and it can’t have any kind of sparkle. It can’t be blue, green or yellow and I don’t want a French manicure (I wonder if all manicures in France are considered French manicures). That leaves 812 shades of red and 682 of beige. Last time I picked a color that looked great. By the time I got home I was sure it was too dark!

Your fingers are like your tongue in that when you try to relax either because you are instructed to do so by the nail technician or the dentist, you can’t. I never think about how tense my fingers are or where my tongue is until someone tells me to do – or to not do – something with either.

If there is ever any kind of “World Championship of Slouching,” look for me among the contestants. I’ll be on top of the leaderboard, contending for the title.

There are droves of people in my “active adult” community who are really active. You find them playing pickleball or walking all around the complex day and night. What cracks me up is that many of the women carry cross-body handbags (a contradiction in terms for sure). Are they carrying wallets and credit cards? Because there’s no place to shop in this community. Trust me, if there were, I would be shopping!

Seriously, it is easier to select a new Pope than a permanent host of “Jeopardy.” I’m waiting for those white puffs of smoke to rise from the Alex Trebek stage where the show is filmed. I guess Alex really did have all of the answers. I was beginning to believe that contestant Matt Amodio would outlast all of the guest hosts and the semi-permanent ones, but his reign as champion ended after 39 days. He won more than a million and a half dollars and surpassed James Holzhauer to become the second winningest player of all time, trailing only Ken Jennings in the total number of games won. Maybe HE can be the next host!

I miss the original five flavor rolls of LifeSavers. The cherry, lemon, lime, orange and pineapple of my youth were relaunched in 2003 with my two favorite flavors – lime and lemon – replaced by watermelon and raspberry. When I see green, I think lime, not watermelon. I would even let other people take the cherry if I could have the lime. They should have left this venerable candy alone!

My friend who works for Staples reports that a person called the store to ask whether Staples sold pens. I guess the customer thought Staples could build an entire business around the sale of staples. Considering that I buy staples about every dozen years or so, they sure couldn’t stay in business because of me. The same friend recounts that she was perched on the top of one of those gigantic ladders when a customer asked her (in all seriousness): “Do you work here?” She wanted to say, “No, I just like climbing up ladders,” but she refrained.

Heard at aqua aerobics: “Where is so-and-so today?” Answer: “She had a funeral.” Comment: “Oh, did someone die?” Cue the Staples customers.

I don’t get the concept of bittersweet. Shouldn’t it be one or the other?

Have you noticed that those bags of salad we buy because we are too lazy to cut up all of the lettuce and veggies are getting smaller? What used to be enough to feed a family is now barely enough for three decent salads.

I went to bed before 10 the other night but woke up at 3 AM and could not get back to sleep. I had Alexa play me spa music, meditation music (I might have been better off with MEDICATION music) – nothing worked. So, I finally succumbed to the lure of the TV, tuning into the Smithsonian Channel in hopes of finding something very low-key and boring that would lull me back to sleep. Instead, I now know enough tell you the complete story of how milk is processed and how KitKats are made in England.

You get up, shower well, get dressed and go to the doctor’s office where they make you wait to get in and then make you strip down and put on that flimsy paper gown that barely covers up your most private areas and rips when you hop up on the examination table, where you wait some more. That’s the definition of humiliation.

I got my third Covid vaccination a week ago, so that means I have just one more week to go before I am completely, totally vaccinated. Does this mean that I will go to lots of indoor parties and shed my mask? Start singing in a choir (you all had better hope not)? Hardly, but I like my odds of survival more now than a year ago. It means I can go to basketball games – for the first time in two years – and feel safer. Since Moderna hasn’t been approved as a booster, I guess what I received was a third dose, or a half-dose, but I am glad to get whatever they gave me. My doctor said that my most recent blood worked showed that I still had antibodies from my first two shots, so I figure that we just topped off the tank! I had a slightly sore arm but no other reaction, unlike the chills and body aches I had with the second shot. So, mission accomplished – for now. If the protocol calls for a shot every year, sign me up! And if you haven't yet gotten your vaccination, I hope you will do it soon. I like your odds better with the shot!