Mid-June Miscellany

My superpower is being able to carry a week's worth of groceries into the house in one trip. What's yours?

Let’s face it – we all fall somewhere on the spectrum of “I need more room for my stuff” to “I have too much stuff.”

I have reached the point in life where I no longer try to fuse together multiple tiny pieces of soap so I don’t waste them. Call me extravagant, but lately I have just thrown caution to the wind and soap remnants into the trash!

My kingdom for a plastic produce bag that I can open without wetting my fingers (which I absolutely refuse to do ever again).

If you are like me, you spend more time searching for movies to watch on Netflix, Prime Video, Apple TV+, Hulu, etc. than you do actually watching them. While I appreciate messages from these streaming service about the new things they have to offer, I don’t need them to encourage me to watch something again. One trip down the memory lane of Betty White’s life was enough. I need new things, not reruns!

When I put on shorts for the first time this season, I remembered that I now shave my legs with the same frequency that I put gas in the car – about every 3 months. I wondered if the hair could serve as sunscreen for my blindingly white legs. Really, at this age there isn’t all that much hair to shave. Most of it has migrated north to my chin.

I’d like to break into my eye doctor’s office and memorize the eye chart so when he asks me to read a line, I’ll always get it right and he will think I have 20/20 vision. That still won’t help me tell the difference between lens number one and lens number two, however.

Does anyone really know how to pronounce Worcestershire sauce?

I always feel like I am one good cough away from clearing my throat completely. It never happens.

Styrofoam! That squeaky sound just creeps me out, and those little pieces that escape to the floor and the countertop do nothing to endear me to this material. It should be outlawed, in my opinion!

I wonder where to store all of the umbrage I have taken.

I wonder what to do with the seconds I save by fast forwarding through the “Final Jeopardy” music.

You know the pandemic is (kind of) over when I stop signing messages, “Stay safe.”

I was considering buying new bedding and looked up the pricing for the Heavenly Bed sheets, comforters, pillows and other accessories used by the Westin Hotel on their Heavenly bed (which I own). I was stunned to see that the entire set of bedding came to more than $4000 – which is more than I paid for the bed itself! Honestly, it would be cheaper just to book a few days at a Westin several times a year to get a good rest in a bed I don’t have to make! By the way, you can watch a video showing how they make that heavenly bed. It may be fascinating, but it won’t be among the movies I review this month.

Why is it that when you buy a plastic container of prepared food in the supermarket it either leaks on your way home or you need a hacksaw to open it?

I picked up a takeout order of spaghetti and meatballs – and how lazy do you have to be to not want to be bothered boiling water and opening a jar of sauce? – and I threw my glasses case with my sunglasses into the bag. Of course, the dish leaked, so I had to clean the glasses case and the glasses. But now, every time I open the case, I get a craving for pasta because the smell lingers on!

Remember when prescription drugs were first advertised on TV? The possible side effects had to be included but they were read aloud so fast that it was like listening to the old FedEx commercials with the announcer speaking faster than speed of sound. Now the voiceovers have slowed down, and they are frightening. I’m sure I am suffering from every one of the listed side effects, even when I’m not taking that particular drug. Can you actually suffer from insomnia and get drowsy at the same time?

I still experience that moment of sheer panic when the computer refuses to wake up swiftly in the morning – even though my body does the same thing.

And then there’s that moment of panic when you have entered your password to access a site or app and pray that it was the right one because you don’t think you know another one.

I understand that this season is the last one for “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” a TV program I have never seen. I don’t know which one is Kendall and which one is the other young one, which one is Khloe and which one is the other adult one, but I know Kim is divorcing Kanye West and that Kris, the matriarch of the clan, was once married to Bruce (now Caitlyn) Jenner and has a great haircut (or is it a wig?). That is the extent of my Kardashian knowledge, and I hope that when the show is off the air that random news about members of the family will stop showing up in People magazine or in other online news.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is offering a “smart” toothbrush. Really? Do I need my toothbrush to do calculus or recite the elements on the periodic table for me? The electric toothbrush I already have has a timer for two minutes and vibrates when the brushing time is up. Do I need a toothbrush smarter than that?

My biggest fear in the supermarket is going down the cookie aisle and seeing Pepperidge Farm Milanos on sale. I’m only so strong, and it is tough to pass up a bargain on the cookies I love. I guess the answer is NOT to go down the cookie aisle.

English is such a strange language. Why do we remove the e when we spell the word judgment? Is there any reason to remove a perfectly good letter so we can tack on four more? I think I need to ask the guy who moderates the Scripps National Spelling Bee. He always seems to know the origin of words and he sure knows how to spell!

My dentist uses all of these high-tech devices. When he is done with a filling, he shines a special light on the material so it immediately hardens. But when it’s time to check my bite, he uses what is basically a strip of carbon paper to have me bite down and grind my teeth so he can see whether anything turns blue because that shows that it is out of alignment. #oldschool.

There are many things I don’t understand in life: How can planes get off the ground? How were the pyramids built? And now I can add: How do soft-close drawers know to close?

Although I have not signed up to view job openings anywhere, I recently received a list of positions available in Manasquan, NJ. And now I am a clerk at the local hospital. Just kidding. That would be my nightmare – and theirs.

I am 70 years old and still cannot accurately explain to the hair stylist how I want my hair to look. Maybe it is because I don’t know. But I do recognize a good hair day when I see one!

It seems I always walk out of a room forgetting to take with me what I went in there for.

The new Discovery+ streaming network has a show called “The Laundry Guy,” which is billed as having a story for every stain. The last time those two items were combined, wasn’t it on Monica Lewinsky’s dress? Anyway, I sure would not want to air MY dirty laundry!

I am on a trial separation from ubiquitous Food Network host Guy Fieri. I found myself whiling away too many hours on his shows, “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives” and “Guy’s Grocery Games,” both of which seem to air all the time. I was fantasizing about people cooking and serving me delicious food. Sorry, Guy, go on without me for a while. If you need me, you can find me watching the “Home Town” folks fixing up old houses on HGTV.

I have plenty of pet peeves watching HGTV shows. For one, the estimates the hosts give on renovations are totally unrealistic. You simply cannot renovate two bathrooms and a kitchen for $35,000. The kitchen in my last house was renovated before I moved in. It looked great, but it cost more than $40,000! And then there is the cost of staging. I have to assume it is folded into the renovation price, but adding $5K to the construction, etc., is a hefty chunk of change. And do we really need to have 13 pillows on the couch? Even the renovated outdoor space has furniture with a dozen decorative pillows. Who’s grabbing them when there is a huge wind or rainstorm? And where will they be stashed until the storm blows over?

I have watched so many episodes of so many HGTV home renovation, construction and decorating shows that I no longer care if they love it or list it. And on “Love It or List It,” the people always seem to make the wrong choice. They are insistent on finding a bigger/better house, but once Hillary gets done, they decide to stay even if they don’t get that en suite bathroom they insisted was at the top of their wish list.

Why don’t the designers of the homes on HGTV ever seem to include a TV in the living room? Let’s get real – doesn’t everyone have a TV? Unless they have created a “man cave,” they never seem to include a TV. How are the homeowners supposed to watch HGTV

Heard on "House Hunters:"
Wife: "But it's so cozy!"
Husband: "Is that code for small?"
Yes, that's correct.
PS - They bought the cozy house that she liked.