I nominate “You’re on mute” as the phrase of the year for 2020-2021.
I guess Marie Osmond is the new Ed McMahon because I have seen her all over TV pushing the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes. I didn’t think people were still buying magazines – but, as we know, no purchase is necessary to enter.
Speaking of magazines, it is strange to be in a waiting room in a doctor’s office these days and see there are NO magazines. Not that I would want to touch one that someone else may have contaminated, but it just seems odd. Instead, the few people waiting are captively watching the NJ News Network, which is so bad that making people watch it may violate the Geneva Convention rules of torture.
So, what do we think of Ken Jennings as the guest host of Jeopardy? Anyone who attempts to succeed the late Alex Trebek has mighty big shoes to fill, but I think Ken is doing a stellar job. Future guest hosts announced so far are Mayim Bialik (formerly of “The Big Bang Theory”) and newscaster Katie Couric. And quarterback Aaron Rodgers, once the winner of Celebrity Jeopardy, gets a chance to see if he can come up with the win, too.
Why do I always sneeze twice? Why do we sneeze at all, for that matter?
With great guilt, I approached the checkout line in CVS to pick up my prescription and pay for my vitamins and the two bags of Dove chocolates in my hand. The woman ahead of me on the line commended me for being prepared for the impending snowstorm by having chocolate in the house. That’s one way of looking at it, I guess, although I’m pretty sure my doctor would disagree.
I received five pairs of beautiful socks for Hanukkah from a dear friend. They are so gorgeous that I think I'll do all of my Zoom calls with my feet on my desk from now on to show them off.
I am 70 years old and I have favorite socks. I’m pretty sure that is NOT normal.
Shopping for produce takes so much longer now because I can’t get those thin plastic produce bags open. More than once I wanted to just put down the zucchini and walk away!
Somebody here left a tissue in a pants pocket that went into the washing machine and got all over the other laundry. I’m not pointing any fingers, but I do live alone…
While terrorists were taking over the US Capitol in an appalling assault on democracy, I was registering for the vaccine. I’m in group 1c, eagerly awaiting my turn.
Someone suggested that Amazon take over vaccine distributions. Just train the drivers to give the shots and they can get it all done in two days – if you have Prime – or within a week for all the others.
One of the reasons I don’t have pets is that I don’t think I could pick out a name. I don’t have kids, either, and the same issue would apply.
It wouldn’t be January without the annual Can-Can sale at ShopRite. Some friends pointed out that this is a great time to snag some real bargains and donate to the Food Bank. I was shocked at how much food I got for the money I spent and saved ($50 on a $100 order). I usually just make a monetary donation, but it made me feel good to drop off bags of food, plus toothpaste, toothbrushes and other non-food items.
I never wanted to work in a warehouse, but now it seems like I do, managing all of my shipments and returns from Amazon. There’s a new Amazon facility that recently opened just a few miles from my house. Now I feel qualified to apply for a job there, since I handle so many orders here at home!
Everybody needs a good, sharp utility knife. With all of the Amazon packages finding their way to the house, there’s much more recycling to do these days. Please don’t tell me that you use scissors or the edge of a screwdriver to open the packages! A good utility knife is life-changing: When I moved in 2007, I ended up with carpal tunnel syndrome from ripping up boxes without the aid of a good knife. I wore wrist braces to sleep for years and vowed never to move again (OK, that’s another vow broken) – or at least without the proper equipment! No such problem in 2015 when I moved. And, while we are at it, you need a set of Sharpies thick enough to label the boxes you then have to open and break down with your utility knife. Trust me on this one.
One of my New Year’s resolutions was to cut down drastically on drinking bottled water. I have filtered water through my refrigerator, so now I fill my Brita pitcher and put it in the fridge and I have cold, twice-filtered water that really tastes good. (About now you are probably wondering why you are reading this deadly dull blog.)
On December 16 I filled my car with gas for the first time since September. I should be good until at least February since, after all, where am I going?
I had to find some old pictures on an external hard drive recently, and it struck me how much smaller and more convenient they are now. You can buy a “Photo Stick” the size of your pinky for about $100 (depending on storage capacity) that will find your pictures and store them as a back-up. I have mine on a hard drive that almost fits in the palm of my hand. The first external drive I bought had a fraction of the space and was the size of a hardback book. They have come down in price and size and up in storage capacity, making them a convenient and safer way to store things you need or treasure rather than relying on putting everything in the Cloud. Back up your valuable stuff, people!
When I worked for J&J, whenever someone would have an upset stomach, they would go to Pat Cuccia’s desk and request some of the “magic crackers” – plain butter crackers from Pepperidge Farm that Pat kept on hand for just such ailments. They invariably helped. And so did the fact that our little group in the PR department cared for each other enough to have magic crackers on hand. I can’t replace the people, but I decided to buy the crackers recently, and that old, familiar taste was so comforting.
I’ve been all by myself for such a long time – minus trips to ShopRite and my doctors – that I don’t know if I will be able to reenter society when it is safe to go out again. One thing I’m sure of: I will be wearing a mask for at least the rest of this year.
I am afraid that when I finally get to hug someone I will burst into uncontrollable tears. The last hug I had was on March 8.
One thing Trump can be sure of: President Biden’s Inauguration attendance will not beat Trump’s 2017 crowds. That’s because of new security measures taken to close the Capitol Mall in the aftermath of the terrorist attack on the Capitol incited by Trump on January 6. Almost no one will be able to witness this historic moment in person. He must be so proud.
I liked it better when Banana Republic was just a store in the mall.
Now Trump says he doesn’t want to pay Rudy Giuliani, who reportedly charges $20,000 a day for his crack legal work. Rudy’s going to be buying the real bargain hair dye now, probably from the Dollar Store. I guess if you are going to sell your soul, you can set a high price. But if you don’t get paid, you have lost your soul for nothing.
I miss not feeling afraid. Between the pandemic and all of the adjustments we have all had to make to our daily lives and the political situation in this country with its psychotic vitriol, I have to constantly remind myself to calm down and find joy. Believe me, it is hard to come up with 1500 words of humor every month under these conditions.
At some point this year, I hope I can stop clenching my teeth.
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