February 2020 Message from Tina - Just Wondering

I’m pretty sure that yesterday was National Slow Shoppers Day at ShopRite, with people just strolling along leisurely with their carts. That’s surprising, since snow is predicted for tomorrow evening (Note: at the time this was originally written, that was the case), and that usually means the store will be stripped of milk, eggs, water, etc., in anticipation that everyone will be housebound until spring.  My sister always says that there should be a cash register designated for “People doing their regular shopping” to avoid the survivalists who don’t expect to leave the house for months.   

Last week it was National Talk on Your Phone While You Shop Day, with almost everyone in the store yammering away.  I wonder if any of them were talking to each other.  I’m too busy using my phone to check my shopping list on Alexa, so I can’t talk.

Why is it that we cannot be stitious but we can be superstitious?

Sometimes I wish life was like my TV remote, where I could tap the button and get a brief rewind.  Miss something in a movie?  Press that rewind.  What were the specials in the restaurant?  Tap that remote.  What on earth was she talking about? One more time, please.

Have you ever noticed that the term “pay per view” sounds just like “paper view?”

I don’t understand how someone can survive without a DVR.  I automatically record a ton of programs so I can watch them later and skip the commercials.  Even if I am home, I don’t watch "Jeopardy" live.  I can see it in 20 minutes on the DVR.  Often, I will start watching the recording of a show while it is still on so I can skip the commercials and finish watching just as the live show ends.  The DVR is invaluable for awards shows, but I’m always too eager to know who won so I have to watch live.  I even record basketball games I have attended so I can rewatch the parts where I think the ref made a bad call or when there is an amazing play I want to see again.  I’d be lost without my DVR.

My secret fantasy is to go into everyone’s house in this community and open their refrigerator to see how they have it organized.  I don’t have nearly as much stuff crammed into mine as most people, but I know I could better organize what is there.

Don’t you think it would be helpful if books came with “org charts” to show the names and relationships between characters?  You’re welcome.

Here is the problem with being in a book club: We have read so many books that when we go to select a new one, no one remembers what we have already read.  And our group keeps a list!  It is worse on the Kindle, where you don't have a book cover to remind you of the name of the book.  If someone asks what I am reading, I have to go look it up!

I have always been curious about how medical records are kept.  As you sign in to the doctor’s office, you see shelves stuffed with folders with letters and color codes.  I have always wondered what that means.  Are they alphabetical?  Or do they mark the really bad patients with red on the folder?  Just wondering.

I am the perfect audience for any book, play or movie “whodunit.”  I am easily led to where the author leads, I fall for every red herring (and why are false clues called red herrings?), certain I’m heading in the right direction, and I smack myself in the head when I realize what I have done wrong.  The last thing I got right in a murder mystery was when it turned out to actually be Professor Plum in the conservatory with the lead pipe.

I was very upset about something the other day and decided to throw caution to the wind and do something daring.  So, I bought a grapefruit!  I take Lipitor for high cholesterol, and I’m not supposed to eat grapefruit, which apparently gets in the way of the medication working.  At age 69, buying and eating a grapefruit is my version of YOLO (you only live once).

Every time I see a report that Bed Bath and Beyond is closing stores, I begin to panic.  I don’t want to buy towels from a catalog or on-line, even from my beloved Amazon.  I want to feel them for softness, examine the colors and hold them in my hands.  Sure, I buy bags for my Simple Human garbage can online, but I want to wander through the store, sniffing the Yankee candles, looking at the placemats I don’t need and thinking about whether it is time for a new comforter set.  I remember going to a girls’ weekend with my friends and one brought a big container of margarita mix that she said she had bought at BB&B.  I guess it came from the “Beyond” aisle!  And those coupons!  I have enough to last the rest of my life.  Not toting them around with me would seem so unnatural!  Please don’t close any of the stores near me, BB&B!

I know nothing about lacrosse.  I’m not even sure they played it in my high school.  But whenever I see lacrosse highlights on TV, I never can follow the action.  The ball goes into that tiny little net so fast that I have never seen it cross the goal line (if that is even the right jargon).  I know more about hockey, but I can’t see the puck go into the net there, either.

Speaking of sports, I have a guilty sports pleasure: I watch “American Ninja Warrior” on TV.  These people look almost like regular folks.  They don’t have uniforms.  Some even wear jeans or cotton pants as they navigate a crazy course with all kinds of impossible looking obstacles.  They climb, jump and seemingly fly through the course as if it were normal to maneuver through a glass tunnel by pressing your hands and feet on the glass walls, and they do this with speed and fearlessness (although it’s not like alligators are in the water below).  Some of the competitors have opened training facilities to practice the course and its obstacles, and since they are constantly changing, I don’t know how they keep up.  These athletes are not huge and highly muscled.  Many were gymnasts and are remarkably fit.  I don’t know what attracts me to this competition, but I’m glued to the TV watching it.  Who would have thought?

Have you noticed how many insurance companies do commercials with “characters?”  Aside from Flo from Progressive, there is the ubiquitous gecko from Geico (along with as many characters in total as there were actors in Ben Hur) the “General” from General, and Limu the Emu and his human sidekick, Doug.  There is the annoying Pinocchio character (a Geico one, again) and how many more to sell insurance?  State Farm has its agents hanging out with celebrity customers like Aaron Rodgers and Patrick Mahomes.  I do admit that I like the State Farm commercial where “Sheryl” is upset because her “she-shed” burned down but she is assured it will be replaced. Bear in mind that none of this stuff would happen in your favor if YOUR she-shed burned down.

I love Amazon!  Aside from my endless appreciation that the company hired my nephew right out of college (even though they are working him to death), Amazon provides goods and services we didn’t even know we needed.  When I was looking for a case for my new phone, I found just what I wanted and had it on the phone 24 hours later.  When the cord for the phone charger I bought on Amazon was too short to fit my needs, I initiated the online return and dropped it off at Kohl’s, where I bought something with the coupon Kohl’s gave me for letting them handle my transaction.  No repacking the item and hauling it to the UPS store with a label; Kohl’s handles that part. They can track your delivery; today I got a message saying that mine had 7 more stops before it would arrive.  When my package arrived here, my Alexa – also courtesy of Amazon – notified me and sent me a message on my phone with a picture of the package on my door mat.  I download the books my book club reads onto my Kindle so I can take along something to read while I am in the waiting room at the doctor’s office or the car dealership.  And I take advantage of Amazon Prime Video by enjoying “The Marvelous Mrs. Mazel” and other series and movies.  I feel torn by the fact that the retail industry is suffering at the hands of this behemoth, and I would still rather go to a store and feel the quality of towels or try on clothes, but the convenience of finding and purchasing so many things I’d never find in a bricks and mortar location just can’t be beat.  And to top it off, when I buy something on Amazon Smile, the company gives a very modest contribution to my Alumnae Association or virtually any charity of your choice.  And my nephew will celebrate his 5th year of employment this summer.  Thanks, Amazon!