New Year, New Blog Post

If I say I am listless, why does that not mean that I am without a list?  Or is it rather that I have lost my mojo?  I think I need a shot of Vitameatavegamin because I am tired, rundown and listless, and I poop out at parties.  I just hope I’m not unpopular.

No matter what kind of illness you have – a cold, respiratory infection, a stomach bug or anything else – if you mention it, inevitably someone will tell you they either have it, too, or “There is a lot of that going around.”  Try it if you don’t believe me.

It seems that getting a flu shot does not guarantee you immunity from the flu, because look what I have!

Doesn’t it kill you to walk around with Kohl’s cash in your wallet, a 30% coupon in your hand, sales on practically everything – and find nothing to buy at Kohls?  Come on, folks, we can do it!

I just got an ad in my email for Kotex products.  I think something has gone wrong with the algorithm.

On the first day or the new year/decade, I received an ad promoting bail bonds.  Really?  I was home before midnight on New Year’s Eve, so I don’t need bail bonds!

The people at ABC must be thrilled when they announce the opening of “20/20” and they get to say, “THIS is 2020.”

Despite the fact that this year is my 14th year of retirement, I still have dreams that I go into the office and am finally told it is time for me to retire.  And in the dream, I realize that I have the gargantuan task of sorting out the stuff in my desk, or they are going to expect me to do some actual work.  But I am retired!  I can’t tell you how many times I have had this mini-nightmare.  Sometimes I am lucky that I don’t sleep all that well…

I was so bored one morning that I found myself watching an old episode of the TV sitcom "Alice." And it wasn’t even the original, good ones with Flo telling Mel to “Kiss my grits.”  It was one where Flo has been replaced by Jolene.  There must be something better than this to watch!

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, you’d probably have to take me to the hospital when I drive a nail through my thumb by mistake.

My sister said she was so bored at work on the week between Christmas and New Year’s that she actually spent time cleaning out her hole punch.  Damn, I used to love to do that.  She had to apologize to the cleaning staff for the errant dots on the floor.  Maybe they thought she was preparing for a New Year’s Eve party!

I must have been bored, too.  I sealed my granite countertops and removed the lint from my hair dryer.  Someone had to do it!

I hope no one needs a good set of my fingerprints right now, because, despite diligently applying lotion to my hands every time I wash them, my thumb has its usual dry skin crack.

There are some strange similarities between the nail salon and the dentist’s office.  First, there’s that noise, the drilling or mechanical noise you get from similar instruments used, like drilling and smoothing.  And then there’s the fact that my dentist and the nail techs both tell me to relax.  Relax? I cannot control the position of my tongue or my tense hands while either my teeth or my hands are being treated.

I am reading a book on my Kindle for my next Book Club meeting and I have found enough errors and grammatical differences with how I would construct or punctuate a sentence that I am distracted and find it hard to read.  Is it just me, or do you have that issue, too?

I hope I live long enough to read all of the books on my Kindle.  I had better stop downloading them soon or mathematically this will be impossible!

I think I have established that I am a chocolate lover.  But please stop violating my chocolate by putting it on stuff (like pretzels) or having stuff in it.  As much as I love strawberries, I really DON’T want to have them coated with chocolate.  That’s even too sweet for a confirmed chocoholic like me.  I am the human version of a “No Nut Zone,” though if you know me well, you might not characterize me that way!

Not only are robocalls a pain in the butt, but when they leave you a voicemail message, it is always cut off.  I can’t tell whether the call is about lowering my credit card rate, telling me I won a dream vacation, solar panels or how to pay off my college loan (from 1972, no less; trust me, that is long since done!).

One sure sign of the new year: The Can Can sale is going on at ShopRite.

I watched “The Pioneer Woman” cook one morning on the Food Network.  She was making something with custard, which she described as “simple.”  When the first step had 4 or 5 different actions, I tuned out.  Exactly what is the definition of simple?  And I’m sure it doesn’t include tempering eggs.

As I get older, I feel a growing kinship with Sophia Petrillo from “The Golden Girls.”  I have run out of patience and small talk and just want to cut the conversation down to the bare essentials, like “How are you?” and “See you soon.”  Plus, my filter for making snide comments is missing in action.

Can you remember a January day that was 70 degrees in NJ?  I’m so confused, and you know this was a 24-hour special.  Can snow and ice be far behind?

My interest payment on my bank account just arrived.  What should I do with that 15 cents?  And how much does it cost the bank to process that amount?

I am getting a physical in February, so the doctor’s office has given me the paperwork to fill out and bring in for the appointment.  First of all, don’t they have my records in the computer system?  After all, this form is exactly what I have filled out for every previous physical I have had.  Second, do you really recall how old you were when you had measles?  I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6, but what happens if I am a year off?  Who’s going to know?  And third, could the line spacing on that form be any tighter? Back in the days when I could breeze through the questionnaire with a simple “NO” checked off for most things, I didn’t need space to include things like “right hemicolectomy” on the form, but now?  I could use extra pages (I dread the day when I can no longer summon up the “right hemicolectomy” nomenclature).  How am I supposed to define “pain elsewhere?”  I am thinking of purchasing a t-shirt that reads, “If I woke up in the morning and nothing hurt, I would think I was dead.”  The good thing is that I was reminded by my sister last time to make a copy of the completed form I submitted for my last physical, so that will make things easier and more consistent as I try to recall my medical history.  You should do this, too!