Time for a Smile

It is hard to be lighthearted in the wake of the recent heinous, hateful crimes committed by white supremacists such as the KKK in Charlottesville, VA.  As a Jew, I have grown up with sincere empathy for all oppressed groups within this country and with genuine fear of neo-Nazis and others who demonstrate more covert anti-Semitism.  All of this hate breaks my heart, and the absence of real leadership in the White House to denounce these people for what they are – racists and anti-Semites – is appalling.  So sending this month’s random thoughts weighs on my mind, but I do think that as important as it is for all of us to do the right thing, it is important to have joy in our lives, too.  So here is my attempt to lighten the load – if only for a moment.
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I may have accidentally taken a melatonin pill (to make me sleep better) instead of my multivitamin today, so if I yawn, don’t think that you are boring me – unless zzzzz.

I looked at my hands the other day and I thought my mother was still alive.

I’m trying to decide whether getting back to people promptly on email and social media makes them think that I am extremely responsive or that I have no life.

Recently I was involved in a hit and run accident.  A deer plowed into the side of my car and ran off.  At least I think it was a deer.  Fortunately, my passenger and I were OK, the car was still drivable, the doors opened, the windows worked, the airbags did not deploy and no glass was broken.  I never saw the deer again, so he must have run off as quickly as he could.  I think it might have been gang-related, because my friend and I saw a bunch of deer that night.  I hope Bambi made it home safely.  Meanwhile, the free concert from which I was returning that night ended up costing me $500 for my deductible on my insurance, which picked up the rest of the $5000 tab.  That deer made a dent in my wallet as well as my car!

If you are ever looking for a quiet place to settle in and read a good book, I highly recommend the traffic light at the corner of Hillsborough Road and Route 206.  It is soooo long from the Hillsborough Road side that you could make a considerable dent in “War & Peace.”

Don’t you hate it when you get into the left turn lane a little late and the little green arrow doesn’t come on, so you have to wait and wait until you can make your turn?  Meanwhile, there were exactly NO CARS as you approached the intersection, and now that you are there, the traffic in the opposite direction is in a long line.

I am a little bit worried that this morning's call from Card Services, which always comes from a robotic voice named Rachel, today came from Veronica. Do you think they got rid of Rachel because I never would speak with her?  Now do I have to get ready to hang up on Veronica every day? Just wondering.

Today I thwarted an attempted escape by a pair of socks. I spotted a pair of them hiding behind the dryer (only because the washer had jimmied itself out of position).  They were being aided by an errant sock unrelated to the pair.  All are being held for questioning and will be washed and released but will remain under house arrest. 

I need to confess something:  I never look at the back on my hair.  Sure, when my hairdresser hands me that mirror so I can tell that she cut it, I take a peek, but every day?  If I like what I see in the front, I’m satisfied.  I figure most people are seeing my front side anyway.  No one’s looking at me from behind.  In fact, according to my BFF, no one looks at either of us anymore, so who cares?

Speaking of hair, I’ve probably said this before, but wearing a hat is a commitment.  Or a resignation.  Because once you put one on, you are resigned to having “hat hair,” which you can get away with if you are only sunbathing or in a pool, but don’t even think of removing the hat and trying to look good.  It just never works.  Once the hat commitment has been made, keep it on until the next shower.  Even if that’s not until the next day.

Conversation between me and a bunch of 4-year old campers in the locker room at the pool the other day:
Me: Should I sign up to be a camper with you?
4YOs: No, you’re too old to be a camper. How old are you?
Me: You have to guess.
4YOs: 16?
Me: No, older than that.
4YOs: 17? 18? 19?
Me: Yeah, 19. Let’s go with that.
4YO Girl: I’m 4 and my name is Skylar. You better remember my name.
Me: Ok, Skylar. I will remember your name.

The problem with going to aqua aerobics three times a week is that I can’t seem to rid myself of that chemical/chlorine smell, even after taking a shower and using 2 different soaps with fragrance.  I asked my friend Leslie, a lifeguard, swim instructor and pool manager who spent years as a competitive swimmer, about this issue and she could do no more than commiserate.

I’m pretty sure that the pink hand towels I use to stand on the floor of the locker room at my pool are the same ones my mother bought for me when I went away to college.  You know, in 1968!  #theydon’tmakethemtolastthislonganymore

Today I decided to break in my new $160 New Balance sneakers on my daily walk.  That’s right, $160 sneakers – excuse me, “walking shoes.”  For that price, forget walking.  I want to be carried around on a giant throne, a comfortable giant throne, for $160.  And may my feet never touch the pavement.

It amazes me to see so many displays in stores of every kind – Walmart, ShopRite, Bed Bath & Beyond – for those stainless steel water bottles.  Way back when, comedian George Carlin wondered when Americans got so thirsty since everyone was carrying plastic bottles of water.  Well, George, now it is all about COLD water, and every store sells these not-inexpensive (though very effective) containers to keep us hydrated.  I wonder what was on those end-cap displays BEFORE the drought hit us.

Do you think there’s something wrong with someone who can’t sleep at night but is ready for a nap at noon?  Asking for a friend.

I just received a “Breaking News” message from Travelocity to tell me I am eligible for a special travel deal that ends in the next 24 hours.  It went on to say “Won’t last long.”  Does that mean the 24 hours?  I think I know how long THAT lasts.

You know that new style of tops for women with the bare, “cold shoulder?”  Well, you won’t see one of those on me.  Personally, I don’t expose my shoulders in anything other than a bathing suit.  And my poor sister, with surgical procedures on each of her shoulders in the past year, promises never to succumb to this trend.  Besides, it will be out of date by this time next year.

I am so mad at myself for inadvertently buying Bounty paper towels that are NOT “select a size.”  I now have to suffer through 6 super rolls (that are the same as 8 regular rolls) of sheets that are too large and wasteful.  Let’s face it, the world would be a better place for all of us if this were the worst crisis we had to face.

Is it me or does anyone else have problems with those automatic paper towel dispensers?  You know, the ones where you put your hands under the box on the wall and the paper towels are supposed to come out.  I never seem to have my hands in the right place to dispense the towel and I look like someone doing pantomime as I move my hands all around.  Strangely enough, in the locker room at my gym, you can be in the shower and suddenly you hear the dispenser activating itself, but when I move my hands all around it like a blackjack dealer – nothing.

I was told to add plant food to my tomato plant. I guess it is only fair that if it feeds me, I should feed it.

My HGTV addiction is getting worse.  Now I find myself yelling at the TV if the people on “House Hunters” select the house that I feel is the wrong choice.  And please, Chip and Joanna Gaines, can we have just ONE house on your “Fixer Upper” show that does not have “ship lap” on the walls?  In the old days, it was called paneling, but you turn it sideways, use old wood and call it ship lap.  Paneling became very dated.  I foresee that happening here eventually.  So just stop!

And speaking of Chip & Joanna, the final segment of the show begins with the two of them holding a giant picture of the house BEFORE renovations were made.  They then say to the homeowners, “Are you ready to see your fixer-upper?” and then we go to commercial.  Really, is there anyone who ISN’T ready to see their newly-renovated home?  I mean, isn’t that the point of the show?