Fleeting Thoughts for February

If my washer, when set on "Delicates," can turn my pants inside out, it must beat the hell out of my clothes when it is set on "Heavy Duty."

Does anyone really know the words to "Louie, Louie?"  Sure, people swear they do, but I'm skeptical.  It has been 50 years after it was released, and I doubt even the Kingsmen remember the actual words by now.

The chance of the delivery guy or repairman arriving within the pre-established window increases if you are late or not at home. Conversely, if you stay home waiting, they show up late or not at all.

Ever since I started on Weight Watchers I have been afraid to cook or order pasta for fear that I will eat too much.  We now refer to this as "Pastaphobia," and I'd start a support group for it but I'm afraid the meetings would take place in an Italian restaurant.

My idea of an "adult movie" these days is anything I see in the Montgomery Cinema, where the average age of the audience is about 75, and which either has subtitles or stars Maggie Smith and comes from Harvey Weinstein.

Is it just me, or does everyone driving in the dark see mailboxes on the side of the road and think they are deer bending over?

Please explain why socks are sold on little tiny hangers.  It's not like I plan to hang them up when I get them home, because what could that tiny hanger fit on except the display rack?  Why not collect them at the checkout counter so they can be used again? 

I know we grouse about the Post Office, but I am still amazed that you can drop something in the mail for less than a dollar and it gets somewhere in a couple of days.  Of course, soon Saturday delivery is scheduled to stop.  Someone please tell People magazine to get it to me by Friday so I can take the 10 minutes I need to read it over the weekend and share it with my sister.  Tradition!

Why does the battery in the smoke alarm always start chirping during the night?  It never seems to happen during the day, when you are wide awake and don't mind climbing a ladder to replace it.
 
What do you do when a letter on your keyboard fails repeatedly?  In my case, it is the X, and you don't know how hard I had to hit it just to tell you about its failure.  And why X of all letters?  It's not like I use X all of the time.  There must be some really big crumb under that letter that is causing this problem, which is not easy (virtually impossible) to solve with a laptop keyboard.  Exhausting!

Have you noticed that regular packages keep getting smaller?  My box of Nabisco Snack Well's Cookies now offers five 100-calorie packs instead of six.  My Caress Soap has been downsized, and if I don't use the "megaroll," I'll be changing the toilet paper much more often.  The converse of this situation is with soft drinks or movie popcorn, where small has become huge, medium is enormous, and large, well, that's probably family size.

What are the mathematical odds on running out of tissues in two boxes within 24 hours?  It's not like I use equal amounts from each, yet this has happened before.  I find this phenomenon also includes changing light bulbs on several lamps or overhead lights, and batteries, where the remotes and clocks seem to run out of juice at the same time.

I wonder if the presidents we celebrate in February had any idea their birthdays would be marked by mattress sales.

Really, is there any good/safe place to live in this country?  The West has fires and earthquakes, the East has snow storms and  hurricanes, the South has dust storms and hurricanes and the Midwest has snow and tornadoes.  I hear it's pretty quiet on the moon, though it's more than a little dusty.

Lately I have been noticing that drivers (including ME) treat stop signs as mere suggestions, barely slowing down at a corner where one appears.  I think we stop more at a yield sign.  And turn signals seem to have become almost passé.  I'll just try to figure out that you are turning in front of me, even though you can't be bothered putting on your directional.  What's next?  No more hands in the 2 and 10 positions?  What's this world coming to anyway?

The older I get, the more light I need to see anything in the house.  It's not just me, right?

I just received a postcard from the Society for Financial Awareness regarding upcoming workshops on Medicare and Social Security.  I'm not going, but I am entranced by an organization which calls itself "SOFA."  Lots of lying around on that job, huh?

That reminds me about a commercial parody I saw once (for SNL or some similar show) that promoted a furniture store called "Sofa King."  Go ahead, say it fast, and you'll get the joke.

You know you're getting old (as if this fact was ever in doubt) when you watch the Grammy Awards and realize that not only do you not own any of the "albums" (or whatever they call them these days), but that you haven't even heard of them or the artists.   If you're lucky, you've heard the songs on the radio but can't identify who sings them.  Unless the song is from the 60's, of course.  Those I know!

OK, Taylor Swift.  I believe you when you say "we are never, never, ever getting back together," but to tell you the truth, I wasn't so crazy about you in the first place. 

When you were growing up, did you have the "good" towels, the "good" knife and the "good" scissors?  I remember my mother not allowing us use the "good" towels, which we had to save for company -- until they got to be threadbare, when it was fine for us to use them.  As for the "good" knife, that was something to avoid at all costs, and the "good" scissors were the ones I had to retrieve from their special place in Mom's sewing box whenever we needed a pair that could actually cut something. 

Every year my sister and I have the same conversation about how, in February, we can see that the daylight lasts a little longer.  We have this conversation as if it were a surprise, just as the conversation we have in October/November, when we note that the days are getting shorter.  We are two really boring people, but we are observant.  You should hear our exchange after the clocks are set ahead or back:  "What time did you get up?"  "You mean old time or new time?"

Speaking of conversations, I spoke to my best friend for an hour recently before we realized that the entire conversation was about health issues.  Good grief, remember when we used to have fun?  This getting old is a DRAG.

And speaking of getting old, I can't help noticing that men's ear lobes get longer as they age.  I saw some guy on TV the other day whose lobes were so long he looked like Dumbo.  And let's not even discuss his bushy eyebrows.

Finally, I am still wondering why the Macy’s 1-Day sale takes place on two days.