Justified

Let’s forget, just for a moment, the old Mark Twain adage, “All generalizations are false, including this one” and examine the shopping habits of men vs. women.

Men, at least many of the ones I know, don’t shop so much as they restock. The old khakis go, you get a new pair. Your t-shirts get ratty, you replace them. When you go on vacation, you buy a couple of shirts with the name of the place you stayed on them and you’re set for years of sartorial summer splendor.

In fact, I actually know men who don’t shop at all. My brother-in-law hasn’t bought himself a single article of clothing – with the possible exception of a baseball cap to go along with his immense collection of this particular kind of item – since he married my sister in 1983. At most, he goes with her if he has to try on pants because even she can’t explain the alterations on the inseam to the tailor (and may I say how unfair it is that there is no tailor waiting for me when I try on pants long enough to make a vest out of the excess material?).

Once my BFF’s son, who was staying with me for the summer while he worked for J&J, went clothes shopping with Aunt Tina, who promised to buy him anything he wanted. We walked out of the store 10 minutes later with two shirts and a couple of pairs of socks. I don’t know if he ever wore the shirts.

But with women, it’s just a bit different. Just look at the phrase “shopping habit.” Habits become addictions for some people, don’t they? And women don’t subscribe to the concept of “need” when it is really a matter of “want.” For women, shopping is “retail therapy,” a way to get some exercise by striding from store to store at the mall and trying on different things it turns out we claim to need but we actually just want.

Take my BFF’s daughters, who Aunt Tina took shopping – for an entire afternoon. They couldn’t decide which skirt/suit/whatever looked best, so we bought multiples, because, well, you know, you need these things, they are a bargain if they are on sale, you don’t know if you will get back to that store again and whether they will have them in stock, and besides, if you take them home and hate them, you can always return them.

At this stage, I’m just happy when clothes fit. If I can find something in a color other than black, I’m ecstatic. But if you fit into clothes easily, the world is your oyster – and every other kind of seafood on the buffet line. Then you have an array of items from which to choose – unless you cannot make the choice – and then the justification begins.

This fill-in-the-blank would be perfect to wear at so-and-so’s wedding. That top exactly matches the shoes you bought last year. This jacket is on sale and marked for clearance.

Women shop for shoes, purses, jewelry, etc., and we can justify anything. That beautiful sweater looks great on you, and you KNOW you already have jewelry to match it, so you really only have to buy the sweater, because you have white pants you can wear with the sweater, so just buying the sweater is a bargain if you consider you have a whole new outfit just by buying the sweater.

If you happen to find a purse that, say, converts into several different styles just by adding the included fancy clasp and by unzipping the attached pouch, it is really like buying multiple purses for one price, so who, I ask you, could pass up that kind of bargain?

Jewelry, too, requires justification. The good stuff is sometimes too good to wear, so you explain to yourself and anyone else who will listen that you will pass it up in favor of sporting the costume jewelry, which after all, is so inexpensive that you can afford to buy much more of it. A bracelet, necklace and ring to match your outfit? Still cheaper than anything by David Yurman for the same outfit, so really, aren’t you actually saving money by buying the costume version?

And then there are the shoes. What woman can pass up that precious pair of perfect pumps that go so well with that outfit, purse and jewelry you just bought? Besides, you can wear the shoes with the outfit to the special event or whatever you happen to have coming up and you won’t need anything else, so you have gotten off cheap, you tell yourself (and anyone else who will listen).

Recently I bought a Jones New York top at Macy’s that was originally $64. I wouldn’t have paid $64 or even half of that. By the time I found it on clearance, it was $9 – and I had a coupon, so it ended up costing me $7 and change. For a $64 top. Please, I HAD to buy it. If I wear it once and throw it out, it still cost me less than a sandwich! Besides, I already had the suit that matched it, and I bought that at half price and with a coupon. I guess men and women have some things in common: Some men like to hunt, and all women love to hunt for bargains.

We women do all this because we want to look our best, and yet, when someone compliments a woman on her outfit, the typical response is more of an explanation: “Oh, just the top is new. I’ve had the rest forever.” Or: “I finally fit back into these clothes so I bought a new pair of earrings to freshen them up.” Or: “This old thing?” Really, wouldn’t a simple “Thank you” be the best possible response?

For some women, spiriting the clothes and accessories into the house and actually wearing them without one’s significant other noticing and objecting requires elaborate plotting. You wait until he is gone to cart in your haul, or you bring one bag in that day and let the others wait patiently in the trunk for another time. And when you wear the new stuff and he notices, you explain either the bargain nature of the purchase, or you claim that this is all old stuff you have had sitting around in the closet forever and that if he ever noticed what you wore he’d know that. So it is his fault, after all.

Besides, all of your purchases contribute to the local economy, so you are really doing something patriotic by shopping.

And if you buy that, I’d like to show you a little bridge in Brooklyn that you can get really cheap…