In Security

I arrived at the Rutgers Athletic Center for a recent basketball game and offered up my purse to the security guard for a routine check. As he pawed through my possessions, the young man asked, “Do you have any small firearms?”

Aside from Charlie’s Angels, I don’t know a single woman who could extricate a gun from her purse – or even locate a gun IN her purse if she had one – in time to do herself any good in the event of a mugging or other situation where protection might be appropriate. I am not in favor of guns of any kind, but if I owned one, I would use it like Barney Fife – gun safely holstered on my hip and bullet securely stored in my pocket.

“No,” I answered the guard, rather taken aback. “Just coupons and lip quencher.” Hey, it’s not like I was carrying a cap for a bottle of water, for which I think Rutgers throws you in jail or, even worse, makes you repeat your freshman class in Western Civ. Once I had a bottle cap confiscated from my purse during one of these routine checks. I’ve probably been profiled ever since. If I turned up now with either a small firearm or a bottle cap, I’d probably be subjected to a strip search (not without dinner and a movie!).

When I recounted this tale to one of my fan friends, she said I just looked “suspicious.” On the contrary, to avoid profiling of any sort, if I am asked, everyone should be asked about carrying small firearms (and have their bottle caps confiscated, a situation you can mitigate by carrying one in your pocket, I’m told). Another friend told me about a woman she knows who was asked about carrying a bomb or explosive device at an airport screening. She made the wrong choice by attempting a humorous reply that she did have a bomb. Not so funny, declared the TSA team, who cleared the area, took her bag outside and detonated it. That woman with the poor judgment WAS my friend’s doctor, but she has since switched physicians. After all, you don’t really want your doctor to tell you that your test results came back and you are dying – oops, only kidding! That story makes me glad I reacted timidly to the RU security guard when asked about carrying small firearms and that I didn’t have a snappy rejoinder like, “No, my weapons are all outside in my car.”

Security makes me insecure. I worry about my image on a full body scan and whether the airport security staff will laugh. I worry about having my overstuffed bag opened and then having to repack it in time to make the flight. The way I pack, it could be an Olympic event, with time trails and everything. I worry that they will confiscate my mousse and my hair will be flat for the rest of my trip.

When I worked for Johnson & Johnson, there was a poster that instructed employees to be aware of their surroundings and, if they saw someone carrying something that looked suspicious, to report it. I was confounded by this request. First, everyone entering the building carts in all manner of bags. There are laptop cases, gym bags, the tote bag you use for your shoes and lunch, the bag carrying the leftover cheesecake you don’t want in your house so you bring it to the office – you get the idea. So how qualified would I be to determine what looks suspicious? And second, if I did want to report someone, how would I do it? Would I tell the person in my sternest voice to stay right there and don’t move because you look suspicious and I am reporting you? Would I sneak off to the security desk and stand on line behind three visitors and two people signing in because they forgot their ID badges while the alleged would-be perpetrator made his/her way through the building with a potentially deadly cheesecake? Should this be my responsibility?

I always though it was strange that Johnson & Johnson security wanted employees to pick up their guests visiting the building. If one of them had a gun or an explosive device, would you want me to disarm the person? I’m not sure my secretary should be responsible for the security of the Tower where top management has its offices. Besides, once in, a guest can wander around all day, as long as her/she wears the temporary security badge issued.

Ironically, now, when I return to J&J, they make me stand on line and sign in, even after showing them my official retiree card. It’s like I didn’t work there for 34 years, or everyone has forgotten me. So much for “gone, but not forgotten.”

And then there was the time my friend’s husband came to Johnson & Johnson for lunch. After spending 10 minutes chatting with him, asking about his grandchildren and how he was enjoying retirement, the security guard, before allowing him to enter the building, said, “Jack, I’m going to need to see some ID.” Really? You know his name and his grandchildren and you want ID? Wasn’t your conversation with him interrogation enough to prove it was really him? After all, he knew the names of the grandchildren, didn’t he?

And besides, it wasn’t like he was carrying a small firearm. Or a bottle cap.