Extra Credit

I want extra credit. You know, on my permanent record.

Here's how it works:

Every time I drive past a police car and my cell phone is off and in my handbag, my earpiece tucked away and my hands on the steering wheel at the 10 and 2 position, I want extra credit. That way, if a cop thinks I ran a red light (which I am sure I would never do) or if can’t find the earpiece and use the phone anyway, the cop will say, “Last Tuesday your phone was off, so we won’t give you a ticket today because you have extra credit,” or something like that. Come on, there are cameras at all the intersections now so surely they must know the many times that I am not on the phone, that I can barely text even when not in a moving vehicle and that I typically don’t run even yellow lights.

If I yield for a pedestrian or stop at the mere hint of a yellow light, I want extra credit. The extra credit doesn’t have to be tit for tat, so to speak. If I am especially pleasant to the woman at the desk at the Motor Vehicle office or Social Security (yes, it has come to that, or will, soon), that act of kindness should carry over to an airline upgrading my ticket to First Class. Shouldn’t my congenial behavior be counted for something?

If I brush my teeth a few extra times a week, shouldn’t that preclude the hygienist from even asking me the dreaded “Are you flossing?” question? If I go to the doctor and haven’t gained weight, shouldn’t she be pleased with that? Once I lost 12 pounds, after not having gained any weight the last time, but she was less impressed with the loss than she had been with the status quo of the previous visit. So much for extra credit there.

If I am in Macy’s for a sale (and that could be basically any day) and I don’t have one of the many coupons I rip out and forget to take with me for an additional 20%, shouldn’t the cashier say, “Sure, we’ll just give you the coupon even though it is sitting on your kitchen table,” just because I have spent so much money there that my charge card says I am a member of the President’s Club (even if I have missed all the meetings)? And if I don’t use all of the gift wrapping services Macy’s offers to me as one of their most valuable customers, shouldn’t I be able to drop off all my Christmas presents and have Macy’s wrap them? Now that would be extra extra credit.

For all the volunteer work I do, my extra credit should work in my favor by letting me be at the gas station the day before they raise the prices, not the day after (funny how I never time that quite right). If I donate to the Rescue Squad, I should get all the green lights when I am in a hurry. When I am driving in the convertible with the top down, it should never start to rain because last week I rewrote someone’s resume. And since I contributed to a food drive, doesn’t that mean I should be in the fastest lane at the supermarket, or that someone should insist I go through the “About 20 Items” line even though I may have just a few more items in my cart (I always feel guilty if I have more stuff)? Are you getting the way I think this extra credit thing should work?

I’m not talking entitlement here, because that would imply that I didn’t do anything to deserve something. We all know karma can be a bitch, but I am going for the opposite of that. If I am good and do the right thing, shouldn’t I reap some benefits? It’s more of an indirect quid pro quo situation. I am merely looking to achieve the converse of one of my favorite sayings – “No good deed goes unpunished.” I just want extra credit for all the good things, all the right things, that I do, which should get me something special. Some extra credit, on my permanent record. Whatever that is.