Noises Off - March 2010

As I watched “The Odd Couple” recently, I laughed out loud at the cacophony of sounds emanating from Felix Unger as he attempted to clear his ever-clogged sinuses, much to the annoyance/amazement of his roommate, Oscar Madison.

And then I realized that, except for the roommate, I could be Felix Unger.

It starts in the morning, when the sludge from my sinuses makes its way down my throat and I find myself coughing or clearing my throat continuously. The concerto in sinus major is accompanied by sniffing and a runny nose after I eat. I’ve never been tested for allergies, though the doctor has recently been treating me with various drugs that would indicate that I have some now. When I recently had my nearly three-week bout with bronchitis (which I negotiated down from the initial diagnosis of pneumonia), I realized I was sick when a noise kept waking me up. It was me – wheezing. I tried the usual remedies – drink water, sleep more upright (in my case, in the recliner in my room) – until the doctor put me on a breathing machine and medication that made me hyper. Eventually, the antibiotic – or the passage of time – knocked out the infection, but the concert continues.

When I swim or fly, my ears clog up. That’s when I really sound like Felix Unger, with the sound accompanied by strange faces as I open and close my mouth, pinch my nose while trying to blow out the ears, and, in the case of clogging my ear in the pool, I hop on one leg with my head tilted while I slap the opposite side of the head in an effort to drive the water out of my ear. This must be quite the sight to see.

It’s not just the coughing and throat-clearing that makes thing here pretty darn noisy. I find myself making noises while doing absolutely normal things – getting out of a chair, lifting heavy objects (that would include getting myself out of the chair), bending over and picking something up. I find myself channeling my father when I catch myself saying, “Oy,” as I do something strenuous. Out of shape? Maybe just a little.

When you live alone you have full license to be as noisy as you wish. While some people elect to stifle a sneeze, I celebrate one, sneezing heartily. If the sneeze is part of a cold, I will blow my nose loud and long. There is coughing, clearing my throat, blowing my nose, sniffing, snorting, wheezing and sneezing – and I’ll admit that I occasionally have been awakened by snoring (my own, of course). And then there is the groaning, which occasionally takes place when I turn over in bed and is audible in the next room (as reported by a friend).

Let’s not forget the intentional noises. There is cheering, which takes place when my team hits a three-pointer, scores a touchdown or hits a homerun, or the yelling, which occurs after the ump or the ref has blown the call. I watch a lot of sports, so cheering loudly in this house is a frequent occurrence. Add the exclamations of any physical exertion and top it off with talking to myself or, worse yet, singing out loud, and it makes you realize how truly noisy it is here – with just one person responsible for the symphony of sound.

I urge you to remember all of this if you ever are considering rooming with me at the old folks home. It might be fun, but it won’t be quiet. You’ve been warned.