August Amusements

 1.    There was a lot of excitement in baseball last week when Jen Pawol made her major league debut as an umpire, the first woman ever to work in a regular season MLB game. While I am happy for her, the fact is that I have been watching major league baseball since 1959. You mean to tell me that there were NO WOMEN during that 66-year period who could have qualified to be an umpire? Come on! Let Jen be the first of many qualified women to umpire in the Bigs!
2.    Did you hear the news that Bed Bath & Beyond is coming back from bankruptcy and opening stores again? How many of you ditched those ubiquitous blue coupons when the store closed? Not me! I kept the faith – and the coupons. When they are ready to open a store near me, I’ll be there with a fistful!
3.    I did the unthinkable the other day! When cleaning out my freezer – which contained more ice packs for various body parts than it did food – I threw out Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies of an indeterminate date. I know they are supposed to last forever if kept frozen, and the fact that I had stashed them and refrained from eating them was a monumental achievement, but what if they really aren’t good? Do I really want to die from eating old Girl Scout cookies? What would my nutritionist say? I didn’t want to donate them for fear of poisoning someone, so into the garbage they went. I nearly shed a tear…
4.    The other day I read a story about something that happened to an “elderly” woman. She was later reported to be 68. I was 68 nearly 7 years ago, so what does that make me? What is older than elderly? Decrepit? Dancing around death’s door?
5.    Speaking of which, recently I went to Kohl’s on a Wednesday and the cashier automatically gave me the Senior Discount (that was a $17 saving!). I asked her what age was to be considered a senior and she said she actually didn’t know. I guess I look old enough that she assumed I qualified. I’ll take it.  
6.    Although the screen in my car is probably larger than my first TV, and it is so beautifully clear, I still find myself turning around to look over my shoulder when I back up. Force of habit.
7.    Nothing humbles me more than doing the daily Spelling Bee and finding so few words. Then I look up Spelling Bee from the day before, only to see how many obvious choices I missed!
8.    My neighbor loves her wind chimes. But when I hear them, I immediately think the ice cream man is in the neighborhood. Nothing could make a kid stop dead in his tracks and sprint back to the house for money more than the sound of the Good Humor man, ready to dole out those chocolate eclairs! 
9.    I watched the recently-concluded season of “The Gilded Age” and I am grateful that the practice of wearing dresses with bustles no longer exists. I don’t think I would be able to pull that off. And while we are on the subject of this sumptuous period drama, I will voice my usual objection to the lack of light in the program. I can hardly determine which character is on screen because so many of the scenes look dark. Lighten up, folks!
10.    I demand to know who has been sneaking into my house and leaving silver hair in my hairbrush. That can’t be mine, can it?
11.    The other day my Echo Dot stopped working, the latest in a series of failures. Once I determined that it was the device, not my network, I simply ordered another one from Amazon. My new dot arrived within hours, and I set it up in a minute. Maybe the name of the company should be Amazing instead of Amazon. I love the service, even as I am appalled by the extravagant wedding founder Jeff Bezos threw himself and his new bride. It was a display of disgustingly conspicuous consumption – and I’m sure I chipped in my part!
12.    By now, you all probably know I have a new 2025 Mercedes. Her name is Victoria, and she is quite friendly. When I get into the car, she greets me with “Nice to see you, Tina Gordon.” She has one of those voices that sounds haughty and friendly at the same time, like someone dying to get into showbiz. I can ask her questions about the weather or directions by saying, “Hey, Mercedes,” and she will respond accordingly upon hearing her name. But sometimes, when I am talking to someone on the phone or in the car, she tries to horn in on the conversation by saying, “I’m sorry, but I didn’t get that.” Right, you didn’t get it because I was not speaking to you! Big Brother?
13.    Social media like Facebook and Instagram features “Reels,” which are short videos showing everything from barbers giving haircuts to a landscape service cleaning up lawns to babies belching. Something that always captures my attention are the tiny houses. I don’t understand how people can live comfortably in 399 square feet. I’ll concede that the houses demonstrate the efficient use of space, but my winter coat would take up all of the closet space available. Yet the owners, who conduct video tours of their homes, always boast that there is a “ton” of storage, as they utilize space within the steps leading to the loft for stashing kitchen or office supplies, shoes or towels. And the loft spaces are generally not tall enough to allow an adult to stand, so occupants virtually crawl into bed and can barely sit up to read. I guess you can adjust, but a “ton” of storage? Please!
14.    In the morning, my bedroom looks like it has been ransacked. I don’t sleep well, so all that tossing and turning makes it look like there was a break-in and someone was looking for valuables. And my morning hair looks like I might have been a victim of a crime.
15.    It is three months since my knee replacement surgery and I have made good progress. I can walk up the stairs now (walking down is a different story) and getting into the car is much easier. But my knee stiffens up if I don’t move for 10 minutes, so the healing is not complete despite ongoing physical therapy and home exercises. The replacement was done in my left knee so my right leg has assumed the role of the “good leg.” But with arthritis in that leg, too, it looks like I’m facing another knee replacement in my future. I’m holding off until next year – after basketball season. I need a leg to stand on, so Mr. Left Knee had better get better and step up to the job!
16.    Every year I look forward to the Kennedy Center Honors. I mark my calendar when the broadcast date is announced and I post promos on my Facebook page to alert my friends to the air date so they don’t miss it. But now that the President has installed himself not only as the chairman of the prestigious Kennedy Center but also has declared himself the host of the event (Walter Cronkite is turning over in his grave), I will not be watching. Apparently, it is more important to be in political lockstep with the president than to have achieved artistic greatness in music, dance, or the other arts. In fact, he fancies himself as a future honoree, though I am trying to figure out what contribution he has ever made to the arts. Sadly, I will not be marking my calendar this year, nor watching the show nor promoting it online. I hope viewership plummets so he can’t brag about that, either. I will miss my December tradition – I don’t think I have ever missed the show since its inception – and apologies to new inductee Gloria Gaynor, but I will survive without having to watch a phony blowhard pretend that he has any class or culture. I’m done.