Extra Credit

I want extra credit. You know, on my permanent record.

Here's how it works:

Every time I drive past a police car and my cell phone is off and in my handbag, my earpiece tucked away and my hands on the steering wheel at the 10 and 2 position, I want extra credit. That way, if a cop thinks I ran a red light (which I am sure I would never do) or if can’t find the earpiece and use the phone anyway, the cop will say, “Last Tuesday your phone was off, so we won’t give you a ticket today because you have extra credit,” or something like that. Come on, there are cameras at all the intersections now so surely they must know the many times that I am not on the phone, that I can barely text even when not in a moving vehicle and that I typically don’t run even yellow lights.

If I yield for a pedestrian or stop at the mere hint of a yellow light, I want extra credit. The extra credit doesn’t have to be tit for tat, so to speak. If I am especially pleasant to the woman at the desk at the Motor Vehicle office or Social Security (yes, it has come to that, or will, soon), that act of kindness should carry over to an airline upgrading my ticket to First Class. Shouldn’t my congenial behavior be counted for something?

If I brush my teeth a few extra times a week, shouldn’t that preclude the hygienist from even asking me the dreaded “Are you flossing?” question? If I go to the doctor and haven’t gained weight, shouldn’t she be pleased with that? Once I lost 12 pounds, after not having gained any weight the last time, but she was less impressed with the loss than she had been with the status quo of the previous visit. So much for extra credit there.

If I am in Macy’s for a sale (and that could be basically any day) and I don’t have one of the many coupons I rip out and forget to take with me for an additional 20%, shouldn’t the cashier say, “Sure, we’ll just give you the coupon even though it is sitting on your kitchen table,” just because I have spent so much money there that my charge card says I am a member of the President’s Club (even if I have missed all the meetings)? And if I don’t use all of the gift wrapping services Macy’s offers to me as one of their most valuable customers, shouldn’t I be able to drop off all my Christmas presents and have Macy’s wrap them? Now that would be extra extra credit.

For all the volunteer work I do, my extra credit should work in my favor by letting me be at the gas station the day before they raise the prices, not the day after (funny how I never time that quite right). If I donate to the Rescue Squad, I should get all the green lights when I am in a hurry. When I am driving in the convertible with the top down, it should never start to rain because last week I rewrote someone’s resume. And since I contributed to a food drive, doesn’t that mean I should be in the fastest lane at the supermarket, or that someone should insist I go through the “About 20 Items” line even though I may have just a few more items in my cart (I always feel guilty if I have more stuff)? Are you getting the way I think this extra credit thing should work?

I’m not talking entitlement here, because that would imply that I didn’t do anything to deserve something. We all know karma can be a bitch, but I am going for the opposite of that. If I am good and do the right thing, shouldn’t I reap some benefits? It’s more of an indirect quid pro quo situation. I am merely looking to achieve the converse of one of my favorite sayings – “No good deed goes unpunished.” I just want extra credit for all the good things, all the right things, that I do, which should get me something special. Some extra credit, on my permanent record. Whatever that is.

Tina's November Movies

This month I recommend "Waiting for Superman" and "Public Speaking," two interesting documentaries. Superman is no longer around but PS is on HBO, so you can still see it. Numbering here picks up from last month.

NOVEMBER
112. 500 Days of Summer (HBO) – Joseph Gordon Levitt (of the TV sitcom “3rd Rock From the Sun”) is greeting card writer and would-be architect Tom Hansen, aspiring to be the boyfriend of Summer (Zooey Deschanel). The film follows their courtship with looks at randomly significant days in the relationship in no chronological order. Though Summer tells Tom early on that she doesn’t believe in relationships and isn’t looking for a boyfriend, he is too smitten not to believe she is his soulmate, and he spends the next 500 days in agony and ecstasy as their love fluctuates from friendship to coupledom to breakup. His joy is best displayed in an exuberant dance in the streets to Hall & Oates’ “You Make My Dreams Come True,” but alas, she doesn’t, really. Still, fate, destiny, call it what you like, Tom can’t help but believe. I believe this is one adorable movie, and it actually includes the last scene in my all-time favorite movie, “The Graduate,” so how can I help but be smitten myself? 4 cans.
113. Gypsy (TV) – Rosalind Russell plays the mother of all stage mothers in this musical about the life and times of stripper Gypsy Rose Lee. Lee started out as Louise, the less talented older sister in a vaudeville act orchestrated by Mama Rose, a woman so hell-bent on making a star out of “Baby June” that she would do just about anything to push the act. Eventually June takes off, leaving Mama with the bland and quiet Louise, played by a young Natalie Wood. Louise only comes into her own when she finally pursues a slightly different path in show biz. Plenty of songs here, including “Everything’s Coming Up Roses,” despite having no one who can actually sing (Russell, Wood and Karl Malden). Just be glad Rose isn’t your mama. 3½ cans.
114. Run For Your Life (TV) – This documentary focuses on Fred Leebow, the running enthusiast who created and ran (literally) the New York Marathon from the late 60s into the 1990s. With a mission of establishing running as a top sport, Leebow founded the New York Road Runners and created the NY Marathon – first in Central Park and later on a course running through all five boroughs. A master promoter, Leebow was responsible for turning a leisure activity into a cultural phenomenon, along the way pioneering the use of sponsorships and professional athletes who competed along with ordinary runners. The movie does a good job of explaining how Leebow, a transplanted Romanian who left home at 14, became the king of the marathon. 3½ cans.
115. The Fabulous Baker Boys (TV) – Before he was a broken down country singer in “Crazy Heart,” Jeff Bridges was a broken down piano player, half of the more drab than fab Baker brothers, starring alongside real big bro Beau. Beau’s Frank is all business, where little brother Jack barely shows up to hold up his half of the act. When down on her own luck singer Michelle Pfeiffer arrives to class up the lounge act, will she awaken his true “Feelings?” The look of the movie seems very dated, from Pfeiffer’s clothes and make-up to the sorry songs they make her sing, but that is part of the gig. 3½ cans.
116. Waiting for Superman (@Montgomery with Dee) – Even Superman is not enough to save the educational system in the U.S. As this documentary points out, it’s not all about money; we spend more to house prisoners for the average 4-year sentence than we do for 12 years of education per student. But by every measure – reading and math scores, percentage of dropouts, percentage of students who attend college – the U.S. is slipping further behind other developed nations, making our ability to fill jobs and grow the economy precarious at best. We have not only jeopardized our future as a nation, but, by allowing the future of individual students to rest on what amounts to the luck of the draw as they vie for precious spots in better schools, the system fails them every day. The solid gains recorded by good teachers in better schools cannot possibly make up for the hordes of truly bad, disinterested teachers still leading classes or, worse, who are flagged for the “rubber room,” waiting for hearings and drawing full pay and benefits. Washington, D.C., schools chancellor Michelle Rhee is portrayed as the visionary administrator ready to make the hard choices, but she has to face union leader Randi Weingarten, here playing the role of Cruella DeVille. This is a riveting and infuriating story, humanized by the young students and their families who yearn for a good education and the promise of a bright future. 4½ cans.
117. Morning Glory (@Montgomery with Dee & Sheila) – When Rachel McAdams (“The Notebook”), the manic executive producer of a schlocky morning TV show at a dinky NJ station, is squeezed out because of a budget crunch, she lands a network job – big-time! – but at another schlocky morning TV show at a bottom-rated network. Like Holly Hunter in the wonderful “Broadcast News,” she has a knack for knowing how to do her job better than anyone else. She fires Diane Keaton’s co-anchor and installs a dour, irascible Harrison Ford, fired from the network’s news operation but contractually bound to work for the network, as his replacement. Like “Broadcast News,” this movie touches on the integrity of news, but McAdams is all about the ratings, and hijinks ensue. McAdams is adorable in that Anne Hathaway in “The Devil Wears Prada” way and Ford is a great parody of those so very serious network news icons. You can see the jokes coming, but you laugh anyway. 4 cans.
118. Arthur (TV) – Dudley Moore plays millionaire Arthur, a man-child with a manservant (Sir John Gielgud) who is caught between the moon and New York City in this delightful comedy. Overindulged and overindulging, the diminutive drunk is supposed to marry snobby Susan when he meets waitress/tie thief Liza Minnelli and immediately falls for her, despite her more down to earth background. Arthur is short on stature but long on charm, and not immune to her penchant for poverty. The best scenes in the movie are between Moore and Gielgud as the devoted Hobson, his sardonic butler, best friend and pseudo-father. Except for the drinking while driving scenes, this movie is too cute not to enjoy and Moore plays it to perfection. 4 cans.
119. Public Speaking (HBO) – If the Algonquin Roundtable existed today, Fran Leibowitz would be sitting in Dorothy Parker’s seat. Martin Scorsese directed this documentary about Leibowitz, the social critic and author (“Metropolitan Life”) whose views on race, gender and social mores are bemused condemnations of society. The self-described fifth best cellist in her five-cello school orchestra, Leibowitz decries the slipping societal standards faced by each generation. For example, everyone should not become an author, she asserts, because there are too many books written by too many people with too little to say. She’s clearly not one of those writers, and, in fact, hasn’t published nearly enough to share her wit and wisdom with those who might appreciate it. If you like Leibowitz, you’ll love this film. 4 cans.
120. The Princess Diaries (TV) – Once upon a time, director Garry Marshall made “Pretty Woman,” a much better movie about a hooker turned lady, complete with erstwhile prince on a white horse. This time he has Anne Hathaway as a 15-year old (defying credibility) whose prince of a father dies, making her the princess of Jenovia (which I am pretty sure is a drug I took once for an infection or something). Julie Andrews is her grandmother, the haughty queen, who, with the help of stalwart Hector Elizondo (playing essentially the same role here as in “Pretty Woman”), plucks her eyebrows and turns her from invisible schoolgirl into a lady of sorts. This is cute, light, nearly weightless entertainment, trivial yet entertaining, that I am glad I didn’t pay money to see in a theater. 3 cans.
121. A Star Is Born (TCM) – Finally. I finally sat through this overly long and dramatic version, starring James Mason as Norman Maine, a big movie star with a drinking problem, and the uniquely talented Judy Garland as aspiring singer/star Esther Blodgett (“I am Mrs. Norman Maine!”), whose star ascends as Maine's sinks. Over-produced with production numbers that interrupt the dramatic flow and a strange series of stills that replace live action, this is nonetheless the classic Hollywood story of the price of stardom and the evils of drink. I actually like the Barbra Streisand/Kris Kristofferson version better. 3½ cans.
122. Leap Year (HBO) – Anna from Boston (Amy Adams) is on her way to Ireland to propose to her cardiologist boyfriend on February 29, a tradition in which the lad must say yes, when weather forces her plane to land in Wales. What follows is a combination road trip movie (as she tries to get to Dublin in time for Leap Day) and a boy meets girl, they hate each other and fall in love formula film that played better in previews than on the screen. As Irishman Declan, Matthew Goode lives up to his name, giving a casual charm to his character and hints of what is to come (in case you couldn’t see it coming from miles away). When movies try to be charming they seldom are, but this one gets a little credit, mostly for Goode. Let’s just say I could wait another four years before seeing this again. 3 cans.

60 Things I Haven't Learned in My First 60 Years

Last month I was feeling philosophical about my 60th birthday and compiled a list of things I have learned in my first 60 years. A month later, I am ready to admit to some of the many things I haven't learned, don't understand or cannot figure out despite my advanced age and presumed wisdom. Here is that list.

1. Why anyone finds Jerry Lewis or the Three Stooges funny – in France or anywhere else.

2. Why people plant flowers around a mailbox. Attracting bees that could sting you while you check your mail doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

3. Nose piercings. I have my ears pierced, but I’ll never understand why anyone would want to pierce a nose or tongue. At least my earrings don’t interfere with any function of my ears.

4. Old people with tattoos. I assume they did not realize that they would be old someday and look ridiculous with “body art.” (I guess that after a night of drunken or drug-related debauchery, realizing anything is impossible until it is too late.) And besides, when you get old and should be checking every freckle and mole on your body, it would be good to know you can actually see them.

5. People who cut you off or pull out in front of you and then slow down. If you are in that much of a hurry, shouldn’t you maintain your speed?

6. Flags in front of houses. Yeah, I know it is Easter or autumn, but you don’t need to wave a flag about it.

7. I can never understand why some people have the spouses they do, what attracted them to each other in the first place and why they stayed together. I’ve given up trying to figure that one out.

8. Watching golf on TV. It looks to me like the telecast really has just one shot of a ball in the air and they just keep showing it. Golf is 3-D sport that suffers when watched in 2-D. And the announcers have to speak with such quiet voices that even if the action is exciting, you can’t tell.

9. Why people who go to tennis matches wear the same clothes as the players. Do they think they will be called down from the stands and pressed into action in case a player is injured?

10. Why baseball managers wear full uniforms to manage a game from the dugout. You don’t see football coaches attired in full pads and jerseys.

11. Why baseball players spit so much. If they aren’t chewing tobacco or something else, why are they so overloaded with saliva?

12. Why baseball players, particularly pitchers, wear those necklaces that look like the rope from my pool or a giant lanyard that is out of control.

13. Percentages and fractions. I am living proof that unless you are in a profession that requires this knowledge, you only need to know how much of a tip to leave or the amount you’ll save on the 25% off sale at Macy’s.

14. Ankle bracelets. Really? Why does anyone need to wear a band of metal of any kind around one’s ankle? Of course, you could point to my wrist and ask why I wear bracelets, but at least I can SEE my wrist.

15. Speaking of which – stiletto heels? The foot wasn’t made to be stuffed into a pointy shoe and jacked up 4 inches. I don’t get it.

16. The strength of the dollar. Come on, is it good or bad? And is it good or bad for me personally, for the country or for my stock portfolio? Anyone who can teach me that bit of economics deserves the Nobel Prize.

17. Restaurants that proclaim themselves as having “the best burger in the state” or something similar. How do they know that? Was there a scientific survey? Who participated? I’m skeptical, to say the least.

18. Comb-overs. Do men really think we are fooled by the hair imported from one side and swept across the head? Just face facts and keep it short. Bald is very in now, anyway.

19. How airplanes fly. The principles of aerodynamics should be outweighed – literally – by me and my luggage getting on board.

20. For that matter, I don’t understand how birds fly and how they can sit in the street and manage to evade my oncoming car just a split second before tragedy should strike.

21. Why some stores (I’m talking to you, Kohl’s) display their clothing items on racks so high that they have to provide long poles to retrieve them. I just want to shop, not fish, for my clothes.

22. Why a man would leave the house before dawn, spend most of the day on a fishing boat in the pouring rain with wind so bad that everyone threw up repeatedly, not catch a fish or drink a beer all day and return home saying the experience was fun. This Bud’s for you, Atno.

23. How the rug next to my bed continues to recede under the bed.

24. Why anyone would want to be a dentist. Ditto – proctologist.

25. Why people ski. The very idea of strapping thin strips of wood/fiberglass/whatever to my feet and hurtling down a mountain in the freezing cold has absolutely no appeal to me.

26. Twitter. Why would anyone think that their mundane activities of daily life are of interest to anyone else? I can understand texting people to keep in touch, but do I care if someone took a nap (unless it is the subject of a compelling essay, of course) or just finished lunch? My own life is boring enough for me, thanks.

27. How people manage more than one house. I know I would always have the clothes I need in the wrong location and I’d have to have exact duplicates of things like my hair dryer to be comfortable. I really don’t think I could do it.

28. All the words to “Louie, Louie,” and the words after “R.E.S.P.E.C.T., find out what it means to me…” I doubt that even the Kingsmen or Aretha know the answers anymore.

29. Insurance policies. It’s not just me, right? No one can possibly understand one of these, unless you work for an insurance company. My cable bill also falls into the category of being beyond comprehension.

30. Why people like mimes. Get out of that damn box already, will ya?

31. Magic tricks. They get me every time. I can even see a demonstration of exactly how one is done and I still am amazed. Sleight of hand, indeed.

32. Why men’s earlobes seem to get longer as they age. Have you noticed that?

33. Andy Rooney’s eyebrows. Really, if a woman had eyebrows like that, she’d be on radio, not TV. Speaking of which…

34. How Andy Rooney has made a career out of being cranky. How can I get that gig when he gives it up?

35. Photosynthesis. I must have been absent the day we learned about photosynthesis in science class because I am still amazed each year when the leaves turn color. Amazed, and very grateful, because I love the colors of autumn.

36. Why random songs pop into my head, especially in the morning. And then I am left humming or singing them all day. So annoying. “Tiny bubbles, in the wine…”

37. Why anyone would want to be a hockey goalie. And for girls, have you seen how ugly the uniforms are for a field hockey goalie? They look like the Pillsbury doughboy.

38. Why the one-day sale at Macy’s lasts for two days. I take full advantage of the extra shopping time, but technically, shouldn’t it be a two-day sale?

39. Which Olsen twin is which. I’ll never know, and my life will be no worse for my ignorance.

40. Why men go to football games in the freezing cold with no shirts and paint their chests and faces in team colors. Sure, I understand being a fan, but being dressed warmly trumps rooting for your team while freezing.

41. Tunnels. Ok, this is more my sister’s issue than mine, but we just don’t understand how engineers design something that has to be built under water. As kids, we never crossed into New York via the Lincoln Tunnel without her saying that she didn’t understand how there could be water above us.

42. Why men who barely paid attention in school love to watch practically anything on the History Channel. Nazis, airplanes, wars of any kind are all favorite things to see. I’ve got news for you – we won World War II, so you can stop watching now.

43. Why you always find things in the last place you looked. OK, I understand that you STOP looking once you find something, making that the LAST place, but couldn’t the missing item magically appear in the FIRST place you looked so you could stop looking sooner?

44. Black Friday. You would have to tie me up and DRAG me out to shop at 4 AM on the day after Thanksgiving. Nothing is so important for me to buy for ANYONE that I would get up before dawn and fight the lunatics shopping at that ungodly hour. No sale.

45. Tiny purses. With all our devices (phone, Blackberry, whatever…), plus lipstick, wallet, credit cards, tissues and who-knows what else, it seems improbable to me that anyone would buy a teeny, tiny little purse more fit for Barbie than for today’s woman. And yet you see them, and women buy them. Unless you have a lady-in-waiting standing by with all that paraphernalia, how is a stylish little purse going to help you?

46. Speaking of purses, I don’t understand why Queen Elizabeth carries a purse. Shouldn’t she, of all people, actually have a lady-in-waiting with a handful of cough drops or tissues if she needs one? Or do you think she has a cell phone in there and whips it out to text the grandkids every now and then?

47. Why people leave sporting events with less than a minute to go. OK, if the game is a blow-out and there is no chance that the outcome will change after you leave, feel free to get yourself to the parking lot so you can be gone 12 seconds before me. But if the game is tied or merely close, what is so important in your life that you cannot wait another 12 seconds to see the end of the game? I never leave until the game is over – no matter what the score may be.

48. My subscription to the Star-Ledger. If I cancel the paper for a few days because I will be away, I can extend the subscription or donate it to some school program. In either case, is there any chance that I’ll ever know where the paper went if donated or when the subscription is supposed to stop? I have visions of the paper lying in the driveway years after I have died or sold the house. Maybe I should put that in the real estate listing: “4 bedrooms, in-ground pool, and subscription to the Star-Ledger.”

49. Science fiction. I know that everything from Star-Trek to Star Wars appeals to the masses, but I just don’t get the attraction. You’d have to pay me to get me to watch “Avatar.” I just cannot suspend my sense of reality long enough to buy into science fiction.

50. The metric system. I’m not alone here, I know, but I actually don’t get weights and measures in general. I can recognize a liter of soda, but if a recipe calls for a cup of anything, I better have the right measuring device around because I just don’t follow.

51. Cotton Candy. I don’t understand how anyone could find hideously colorful and sweet cotton on a stick appealing.

52. I don’t understand how Hershey Kisses or M&Ms can make you gain weight. I can conceive of a weight gain after eating a pound of beef, but those little tiny, rapturously delicious pieces of chocolate heaven? Unless you eat a pound in one sitting, you should not have to suffer any consequences.

53. Why bad things happen to good people. Sure, I understand our rationalizations (God never gives you more than you can handle, etc.), but it still doesn’t make sense to me to see something like a young football player paralyzed for the rest of his life. It is the bad people who should suffer the consequences of their actions – if we can figure out who they are.

54. Cursive. I had pneumonia in the 3rd grade and missed most of the unit on cursive. Besides, I went to public school, where penmanship was never stressed as much as in parochial school. Even so, today, when penmanship is truly a lost art, I regret that I regressed over the years to essentially printing everything I write because I was absent in the 3rd grade. And my “handwriting” is getting worse with age. Thank God we type practically everything these days.

55. The Internet. It goes without saying that I cannot understand the math and science behind the Internet but that’s not what I am referring to. I don’t understand how, in this day and age, anyone can exist without it. It is so much easier to pay bills (without stamps!) shop, find restaurants, movie times and phone numbers as well as to keep in touch with people on-line than through conventional means. Let’s face it, if you don’t have Internet access, you can’t even read this essay.

56. Christmas lights that outline roofs. Not only does this practice make no sense to me – are you lighting up the house so Santa can find it? – but it also strikes me as pretty risky to execute.

57. The difference between flowers and weeds. If you buy it at the nursery and plant it yourself, that makes it a flower as opposed to a weed? Hey, if it grows (and especially if it flowers) and it’s green, I’m not yanking it out.

58. Ordering coffee. There are so many versions of coffee available now, that it is a good thing I don’t drink it, because I’m sure I’d never know the difference between a double latte, espresso or Bolivian blended whatever.

59. No matter how cold it is, and especially in the winter with snow on the ground, I inevitably see some guy wearing shorts. I’ll just assume he came from the gym and not that he has completely lost his mind. But really, how about slipping on a pair of sweats to cover those bare legs when it is 15 degrees out? Just a suggestion.

60. Fake deer in the front yard. I live in the wilds of Hillsborough where there are plenty of real deer to go around, so I see no need for fake ones looking like they are grazing in front of your house. You know I’ll slow down if I see them.

61. Finally, I can’t figure out if I wake up during the night because I have to go to the bathroom or if I have to go to the bathroom because I wake up. In either case, it is getting tougher to sleep through the night.

Tina's October Movies

A moment of panic for me occurred on October 17, when I realized I had only seen one movie so far in the month. I quickly ramped up my efforts, and here is what I saw and liked in October. The best movie is an old one, #109, but I enjoyed the new ones I saw as well. Numbering is picked up from the previous months. Enjoy.

OCTOBER

102. The Town (@ Hillsborough with Dee) – Not exactly “On the Town” or “Our Town,” this intense crime caper movie has a gripping story and an outstanding cast, headed by Ben Affleck, Jeremy Renner (“The Hurt Locker”) and a tougher-than-Don Draper Jon Hamm. I think the last Ben Affleck movie I saw was “Good Will Hunting,” unless his movies have been so forgettable that I just don’t remember him in anything else. He makes up for lost time in this Boston-based movie, serving as director and co-writer in addition to his screen time. I don’t see a lot of action/adventure movies, so this one had enough car chases, gunplay and bloodletting to tide me over for a long while, but it definitely held my interest. My only problem with the movie was remembering I couldn’t do a DVR instant replay when I couldn’t understand the heavily Boston-accented dialog. 4 cans.

103. Changeling (HBO) – Angelina is hardly tres jolie in this Clint Eastwood take on a true story set in the 1920s. Angelina Jolie is the single mother of 9-year old Walter, who disappears one day while she is at work. Anxious to wrap up the case, the police five months later present her with a comparable boy, but she insists, in the words of the Michael Jackson song, “Billie Jean,” that “the kid is not my son.” Despite physical differences (the replacement son is 3 inches shorter, in addition to other, shall we say, more personal, differences), the police and their medical team remain convinced that they are right. Wouldn’t a mother know her own son? And why is this boy playing along if he isn’t? With the help of activist preacher John Malkovich, Jolie continues her quest to find out what really happened to the still missing boy. This is a first rate story, convincingly acted, beautifully staged, with the flapper-type hats and 20s attire that seems authentic to the time. 4 cans.

104. Wait Until Dark (TCM) – Audrey Hepburn’s character may be blind in this movie, but she can see through the bad guys out to trick her into giving up a doll some doll gave her husband to take home temporarily. Audrey doesn’t know the woman who gave him the doll and doesn’t know that it is full of drugs. When her husband can’t find it and leaves the house, Audrey is in jeopardy at the hands of crooks Richard Crenna, Alan Arkin and Jack Weston. It’s lights out for everyone as Audrey senses something’s just not right. This is a suspenseful film based on a play and therefore a bit stagey, but it held my interest, except that I wanted to tell her to just give them the doll and get them out of there. 4 cans.

105. The Hangover (HBO) – Nearly 40 years ago I fell in love with a bunch of young, drunk and stupid guys in a movie called “Animal House.” I still quote that movie (“you f#&$d up, kid, you trusted us,” “7 years of college down the drain,” etc.) and when I watch it I still laugh out loud. Fast forward to “The Hangover,” a movie about a group of guys not quite as young but just as stupid, only their antics failed to amuse me nearly as much as the boys from Delta House. Everyone knows that no good can come out of a bachelor party in Vegas, and when this crew wakes up after a night of debauchery, they are missing the groom (and one of them is minus a tooth but has gained a stripper wife), dealing with a tiger in their bathroom and riding around in a stolen police car with a baby. Silly, but with moments of humor. 3½ cans.

106. The Social Network (Manville, with Chris) – Ironically, the founder of Facebook, Marc Zuckerberg, is so socially inept (as portrayed in this movie) that the man who launched millions of friendships has nearly none of his own. According to the movie, Zuckerberg gets drunk after his girlfriend dumps him, and, holed up in his dorm room at Harvard, trashes her on the Internet. He then concocts a way to capture all of the “Facebook” images of fellow students to rate girls. His rampage becomes an instant hit and attracts the attention of three students working on a social networking site who seek out his computer skills. Zuckerberg morphs their idea into Facebook, leading to suits by them and by his best friend for acing him out of the company just as it explodes with success. The motto here is that you can have a million friends and still be a very lonely guy. Well played by all and written with his usual glibness by Aaron Sorkin. 4 cans.

107. Invictus (HBO) – Here is everything I know about rugby: A bunch of men kick and pass a ball and in between come together in a scrum, pushing and pulling each other in an attempt to extricate the football. They emerge bruised and bloody but ultimately unbowed. And so it was for the 1995 South Africa rugby team, spurred on to capture the World Cup by newly elected president Nelson Mandela, himself bruised but unbowed after nearly 30 years in prison. That makes rugby looks like hopscotch, I’d say. Mandela turned the mostly-white team, considered a national embarrassment, into national heroes who united a country still recovering from apartheid and racial division. In terms of sports movies, I prefer “Rudy” but this movie has a larger and more important message. Oh, and where did Matt Damon get that buff body? 3½ cans.

108. Midnight Run (TV) – Think “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” meets a caper movie in this funny flick starring Robert DeNiro as a bounty hunter tracking rogue accountant Charles Grodin. Grodin’s near-fatal error was stealing from the mob, and when he is arrested and skips bail, the bondsman hires DeNiro to track him down and bring him in. Grodin claims a fear of flying, which leads to a cross country trip by train, bus, car, truck, freight train and even a brief appearance by a chasing helicopter and a prop plane. Grodin’s character is alternately endearing and annoying and DeNiro’s frustration is best summed up in his instruction: “I have two words for you. Shut the *#&A$& up.” This is a really good, unpretentious and funny movie, with plenty of action and great performances. 4½ cans.

109. Cast Away (TV) – Tom Hanks and a volleyball named Wilson star in this captivating movie about a Fed Ex exec who absolutely, positively doesn’t get there overnight. The soul survivor of a plane crash on a remote Pacific island, Hanks spends four years living on minimal food and maximum smarts, motivated by his love for the girl he shouldn’t have left behind, Helen Hunt. There is more than one “awww” moment as he makes it through the worst of times but not to the best of times. Hunt is terrific in her small part, and Wilson is a revelation. 5 cans.

110. Taken (HBO) – One request: If I am ever taken into the white slave trade, please call Liam Neeson to come and rescue me. Retired CIA agent Neeson puts his “particular set of skills” to good use in tracking down his teenaged daughter when she is abducted by Bosnians in Paris. Leaving dozens of men injured or killed, usually with one shot or well-placed blow, he is relentless in his quest to find his daughter. I am always dubious about movies when the main character steals a car and careens around a city, outlasting and outdriving the bad guys who manage to shoot out his windows but somehow miss him. Still, this movie is a gripping thrill ride that I actually liked. 4 cans.

111. Secretariat (Hillsborough with Nancy) – It’s hard to conjure up any drama in this Disney-made, trite but true, tale of the greatest race horse in history and his owner, the formidable Penny Chenery. It’s not like I didn’t already know that the horse won the Triple Crown, so the racing scenes were only partly exciting and, in fact, sometimes looked cartoony. The producers tried death (Chenery’s parents, one at a time), health issues (the horse had an abscess on his tooth and wasn’t eating) and a bragging competitor, but all Penny had to do was talk horse sense into Secretariat and the horse came from behind or pulled out in front to win going away. I love Diane Lane, who played the owner, but even Mr.Ed's Wilbur could have pulled off the part of the horse owner here. Not a bad movie, but hardly a Triple Crown threat come Oscar time. 3½ cans.

60 Things I Have Learned In My First 60 Years

In honor of my 60th birthday, I thought it appropriate to share the wisdom that comes with this advanced age. Here is a list of what I have discovered about life and about myself in my first 60 years. I figured I better write it all down because I'll probably start to forget it all in the years ahead.

1. The anticipation is almost always worse than the event itself.

2. If you don't do something now, you might not have the chance to do it later, so do it now. This does not apply to scary things.

3. I am short, vertically challenged, height handicapped -- and probably shrinking. So there is no reason not to use my grabber to reach things on the second shelf of the kitchen cabinets. Go ahead and laugh. It works for me.

4. Take lots of pictures. They remind you of happy times and who knows how long we'll remember them without visual aids?

5. It always gets dark earlier in September and October, so why do I always feel surprised when that happens?

6. There is no valid reason, in my opinion, to eat ice cream when it is cold outside.

7. I am always cold. I just have to dress appropriately, because my inner furnace will never work enough for me.

8. It's only a game. So if the Yankees lose or my beloved Rutgers Women's basketball team goes down in flames, life will go on.

9. You should always say "I love you" to those you love. They might already know, but reminding them can't hurt.

10. When someone -- especially a child -- does something wrong, it doesn't make them a bad person. It is the behavior you don't like, and that can be changed.

11. Making people laugh makes me feel great.

12. No matter how badly your day is going, I will do everything I can to make you have at least one laugh.

13. Work hard, always do your best and have fun! I based my whole management philosophy around those words and I am still friends with the people who worked for me, all of who have succeeded in their careers.

14. Paying bills or doing something you don't like takes the same amount of time if you do it now or do it later, so get it over with. And I don't care about the preposition at the end of that sentence -- for once.

15. You can have a manicure or pedicure for no reason. Nothing makes me feel more like a girl.

16. I wear perfume every day, even if I don't leave the house. I do it for me.

17. It is OK to cook a great meal for yourself.

18. Leftovers are great, as long as you liked what you ate the first time around.

19. Little kids remember everything, so be careful what you say and how you act around them.

20. For that matter, little things you say and do make an impression on people in ways you never imagined. Think about something someone said to you and how it helped or hurt and adjust accordingly.

21. Soup is for winter consumption only. I can't eat soup if I am sweating.

22. No matter how bad your day is or how insurmountable your problems seem, there's always someone who has it worse than you do.

23. If you have nothing to do, do something for someone else. It brings you great rewards.

24. Not only is it OK to cry at movies, but sometimes it is necessary. A good cry soothes the soul.

25. Don't expect too much and you will never be disappointed.

26. There is no point in having siblings or children if you can't tease them -- in a fun way, not in a mean way -- once in a while. Ask my sister.

27. I am addicted to chocolate. If it were declared illegal, I'd find a chocolate connection and risk the jail time.

28. Kidney stones hurt like giving birth. I guess. I just know they are really painful.

29. Everything you have to do takes longer and costs more than you thought it would. This particularly applies to any work done around the house.

30. You should listen when people talk to you. Just listening without judging can mean the world to someone.

31. Find something to enjoy in every day. Maybe it is the blue sky or the fact that you don't have to drive in the snow. Find something that makes you smile.

32. Keep in touch. Friendships mean a lot and they have to be nurtured to endure. That doesn't mean you have to see each other all the time, but make an effort to call, e-mail and get together. You'll be glad you did.

33. Friendships are made at all stages of life. Just when I thought I was done making friends, I started aqua aerobics and made more friends. My friends have brought me so much joy.

34. Friendship isn't a big thing, it is a million little things. That one isn't mine, but I subscribe to that theory.

35. Sweatshirts last forever. Or at least I wear mine until they disintegrate.

36. My chances of running into someone I know increase exponentially depending on how bad I look that day. Conversely, if I am having a great hair day, chances are I will see no one I know. I wonder if the strangers who see me think, "She's having a great hair day."

37. There will never be a day without a sale at Kohl's. At least until they go out of business from all that price cutting.

38. Come on. You can always do more or do better.

39. You shouldn't buy towels just as gifts for others. Treat yourself to new towels every now and then. Why not?

40. Take surveys. The people conducting them are looking for intelligent opinions, so why not express yours?

41. If I am at the beach for a day, I'll still have sand in my car six months later.

42. Nothing beats the taste of a hot dog at Yankee Stadium.

43. Old Timers Day at Yankee Stadium will always make me cry.

44. The time you spend with friends is priceless.

45. A beautiful day, with great light, me with a camera and something to shoot. That's what I call a great day.

46. Whatever age you are now seemed old to you when you were young but doesn't seem quite as bad now.

47. My doctor thinks I need to lose weight. For this she spent years in med school?

48. Anything written can be edited, and most people can't wait to get their hands on what someone else writes so they can do just that.

49. I love to be in the pool, but I hate getting my hair wet.

50. Chocolate should be served unadulterated. Get that fruit and those nuts away from it.

51. Bumble Bee Tuna should be the only brand, and it should always be served plain -- no mayo, no celery, no nothing!

52. Having a routine works for me. On days when I have nothing to do, I do nothing. And I am really good at it.

53. Whatever you have to do takes up the time in which you have to do it. That's my "kitchen cabinet" theory of life.

54. Buy books as gifts for kids. Encouraging them to read is the best gift you can give them.

55. Speaking of gifts, when you hear someone say they like something, or if you see something that would be the perfect gift for someone, write it down or buy it. You can even give the gift when there is no special occasion.

56. Naps are wonderful little respites, especially when they are least expected. I just love a good nap.

57. As soon as I walk out the door it costs me money.

58. There is always something new to learn. Read books, watch movies, read the paper. What you learn might not be life-altering, but it will enrich your life in small ways. And it will provide you plenty of material for small talk when you need it.

59. I don't like coffee or beer and refuse to to waste my time developing a taste for them.

60. I Love Lucy still cracks me up. I wish I had some Vitameatavegamin for my 60th birthday.

61. You always should strive to exceed expectations -- your own or those others have of you. Hence, 61 items on this list.

Tina's September Movies 2010

I hit my 100th movie this month and finally sat down to watch the classic "Citizen Kane." But the best movie of the month was the little-known "Mao's Last Dancer." Here's what I watched, with numbering picked up from the rest of the year.

94. Goodbye, Mr. Chips (TCM) – This 1939 movie is about as old-fashioned as they come. Mr. Chipping (Robert Donat) is a teacher at a boarding school in England, where he dedicates his life to teaching generations of young boys about Latin and life. Along the way he meets and falls for the gracious young woman (Greer Garson, in her movie debut) whose very presence makes him even more adored by the boys. This slow-paced story won’t wow anyone with action and adventure, but dear old Chips is beloved by all. Goodbye, Mr. Chips, had me at hello. 4 cans.
95. Mao’s Last Dancer (@ Montgomery with Angela and Dee) – After a stop for lunch at a nearby Chinese restaurant, my pool pals and I passed up a glorious day to see what turned out to be a glorious film. This movie is based on the true story of Li Cunxin, a boy plucked out of his tiny, impoverished village by the Chinese government for special training. With years of hard work and determination, he grows into an accomplished ballet dancer who has an opportunity to study with the Houston Ballet. Young Li assimilates into the American culture rapidly, much to the consternation of the Chinese officials who decide he must return to China. Should he defect and risk both the safety of his family remaining in China and the chance that he may never see them again? Or should he stay and enjoy his new-found freedom and the girl he loves? This is a wondrous ode to ballet, a harsh look at Mao’s regime and a salute to the joys of freedom and the arts. So good you want to see it again an hour later. 4½ cans.
96. The Summer of ’42 (TCM) – In the many years since I last saw this movie, I had forgotten how beautiful it is. From the opening sequence of sepia stills of the New England island where it was shot to the haunting Michel LeGrand music, this bittersweet tale is captivating. Hermie is a 15-year old boy spending his summer vacation hanging out with his goofy friends, eagerly reading about sex in a book and just as eagerly looking for an opportunity to put into practice what they have learned. But Hermie is smitten with a beautiful young woman in her 20s (Jennifer O’Neill) whose husband has shipped out to war. She and Hermie strike up a friendship that they both need to fend off their loneliness. This is the summer Hermie learns not about sex but about love, a memory that will stay with him for the rest of his life. 4 cans.
97. Tender Mercies (TCM) – Robert Duvall won an Oscar for his role as a down-on-his-luck country singer (aren’t they all?) who gets his life back in gear after he meets a good woman. His Mac Sledge hits rock bottom at a rundown Texas motel managed by Tess Harper. With no money and nowhere to go, he helps out the widow Harper and her young son, eventually giving up drinking and taking up songwriting once again. The performance by Duvall is authentic and nuanced, with a great accent (at least it sounded like Texas to me, but what do I know?) and a simplicity that makes him believable. Being in the right place – or the wrong place – at any given moment can change your life, as the characters here discover. 4 cans.
98. Get Low (Montgomery, with Dee) – I wasn’t trying to limit my viewing to Robert Duvall movies this week, but that’s the way things turned out. Here he plays hermit Felix Bush, an irascible loner who has hibernated in his cabin in the woods for 40 years, ruminating over events that changed his life. He decides he wants to plan and attend his own funeral service, enlisting the aid of town funeral director Bill Murray to book the ceremony and band and run a raffle to get the townspeople to turn out. He wants to reveal his big secret – or to have his old preacher friend handle that chore if he can’t. The secret didn’t seem all that secret to me, and the pace of this movie could justify changing the title to “Get Slow,” but it is just quirky and well-played enough to keep up interest. Sissy Spacek, who never fails to impress, also appears, but it is Duvall’s turn that most likely will garner another Oscar nomination. A strange little movie, this one gets 4 cans.
99. The Wonder of It All (TV) – Did you ever wonder what it would be like to actually walk on the moon? Between 1969 and 1972, 12 Americans did just that, and in this documentary seven of them recount their experiences. They discuss how they became astronauts (a term that didn’t exist when most of them joined a branch of the service or became test pilots), their feelings about walking on the moon, their place in history, spirituality and how their accomplishments should be remembered. For most of them, the realization of being there only hit home when they got home – and years later – because NASA had them so busy in their time on the moon. I thought the movie was a blast. 4 cans.
100. Citizen Kane (TCM) – Wealth…power…politics…scandal. No, I am not reviewing the sequel to “Wall Street” but rather the Orson Welles movie than many people consider a masterpiece. It is amazing how Welles’ themes in this 1941 movie still apply today. His megalomaniac Charles Foster Kane is larger than life, bullying those around him to get whatever he wants, yet he fails to get the one thing his money can’t buy – love. This is a stunning movie in so many ways: Welles was 25 when he co-wrote, produced, directed and starred in it. He ages from a young to an old man in the course of the story and is convincing at any age. The camera angles actually make Kane look larger than life, and the silhouetted shots make him seem mysterious and frightening. I am glad I finally experienced this movie, and I admired it in many ways, though it isn’t the kind of movie I long to see again, which on my scale, doesn’t make it hit the top. 4 cans.
101. The Informant! (HBO) – Matt Damon, complete with bad hair and a cheesy mustache, plays Archer Daniels Midland executive Mark Whitacre. This movie could have been called “The Man Who Talked Too Much,” as Whitacre, dismayed at the price fixing taking place at ADM, turns FBI informant and spins a series of tales which, by the end of the movie, made my head spin. Despite his attempt to take down the company, Whitacre naively believed he would be a hero and run ADM one day. Well played, with tongue firmly in cheek, this movie reminded me of the more charming “Catch Me If You Can” with Leonardo DiCaprio. Both movies lean heavily on the lead actors, and both come through with credible performances – especially for liars. 3½ cans.

Choice Cuts - September 2010

Remember when life was easy? When you didn’t have to choose between seven different kinds of turkey at the deli counter? When ordering coffee didn’t take half an hour? When fewer choices made life less complicated?

Witness:

“Do you want plastic AND paper?” the teenaged ShopRite cashier asked. “Sure,” I responded, not knowing I had that option. I thought the drill was paper OR plastic (except in Pathmark, where nary a paper bag can be found), so she threw me. Now I mostly bring my own bags – partly to be environmentally conscious and partly because I can’t make that choice.

The guy at the deli counter asks if the cheese is cut thin enough for my taste, and offers me a slice. Do I then dare voice a preference for thinner or thicker slices, and do I really have one? When I mentioned to a friend that I couldn’t get the slices apart, she declared, “I always have them shingle it.” Shingle it? I had never heard the term before, but I didn’t have to ask as I instinctively knew what she meant. I just didn’t know we had a choice to ask for it to be shingled for easier cheese access. (Speaking of cheese, the dumbest choice I was ever asked to make was in the Johnson & Johnson Corporate cafeteria, where, after ordering a grilled cheese sandwich, the guy behind the grill asked me, “Do you want cheese on that?” I replied, “Yes, I think you need to include the cheese, or we’re talking toast.” So that was one of the simpler decisions, but they aren’t usually that easy.)

At Quick Chek, just ordering a sandwich has become an adventure in self-service. You belly up to the computer, select your meat, then, by pressing the appropriate buttons, decide whether you want mayonnaise or a little mayonnaise, and all the other sandwich accompaniments, like salt, pepper, cheese or extra cheese, lettuce and tomato and who knows what else. I’m waiting for the computer to actually spit the finished product out at me, but, thankfully, creating the sandwich still requires an actual person. A friend of mine went to his local Wawa and proceeded to make the same sandwich choice day after day, until finally the sandwich maker refused to make one more of the same. I guess he had no choice but to change his sandwich selection.

“I’ll put your items in a double shopping bag,” the eager Williams Sonoma employee offered. “And do you want a handle to help carry it? Do you want your receipt in the bag?” “OK, thanks,” I replied, bewildered at the number of decisions we are asked to make each and every day. I thought just selecting my purchase was enough of a challenge.

At a restaurant (granted, a decent one), you are asked if you want water and whether tap or bottled is your preference (wet and in a glass is fine for me). And forget the wine list. Reading the latest John Grisham novel takes less time than wading through the phonebook-sized list to make your choice.

My refrigerator not only gives me cold water from the door, but makes me choose ice cubes or crushed ice. How to decide? Besides, the cubes look pretty crushed to me regardless of my choice.

Thankfully, I don’t drink coffee, because there seems to be an entire language one must master to order a double latte yada yada yada, a language and series of choices that would render me mute. And tea is no better. If you want tea at a decent restaurant, they bring that wooden box that looks like a pirate’s treasure chest and is filled not with doubloons but instead with herbal, breakfast, decaf and a myriad of other choices. Remember when tea was Lipton or Tetley? When sneakers were Keds or PF Flyers? When mustard was Gulden’s or French’s? I must have spent 20 minutes in the store the other day trying to decide whether my hand soap should be antibacterial, antibacterial with moisturizers or just moisturizing, and then I had to select a fragrance (apple, green tea, cool mint cucumber or citrus, among many) that wouldn’t make me hungry or nauseous. And you know how I feel about deciding among the dazzling array of skin lotions and potions.

I can’t even leave the house without making a decision. I have to choose between driving Gracie, my 13-year old Mercedes (she is doing fine, by the way), and her younger counterpart, Sunny, my 6-year old Chrysler Sebring convertible. Luckily, weather helps make that decision, but then, if I choose the convertible, I am faced with the decision of putting the top down or keeping it up. That choice depends on both weather and where I am going. No one at ShopRite cares if my hair has blown all over the place, but if I am headed to a meeting, I have to protect my hair, right?

When I am looking for new jeans, I not only have to find the right size, but I have to consider the variety of styles, from boot cut to high waist to fuller leg (guess which one I chose) and more, not counting the variety of shades of denim from which to choose. Thank goodness acid washed is now passé, since that helps narrow down the choices by one.

I can handle the choices at the diner, where I can quickly express my preference for a table or a booth (even though I have no logic for why I might prefer one over the other). I can go to a restaurant with outdoor seating and decide whether to sit inside or outside, depending on the weather. But with all the TV shows I watch, it is hard to decide what programs I want to see live and which others I should record on my two digital video recorders for later viewing. Back in the days when the remote control consisted of the youngest child in the house being ordered to get up and change the channel, deciding between channels 2-4-5-7-9-11 and the dreaded 13 was relatively easy. When Dad fell asleep on the couch, you made your move, hoping he wouldn’t awaken and bark, “I was watching that,” although his eyes were closed. With fewer choices – or none at all – life was considerably less complicated.

Hmm, I wonder what I should write about next month. Decisions, decisions.

Tina's August Movies 2010

Not a great month for movies, with nothing really special beyond a few old favorites and no documentaries. But I am getting close to 100 movies for the second consecutive year, a feat worth noting (at least to me). Here's what I watched in August, with numbers picked up from the year's total.

August
83. The Notebook (TV) – You don’t want to be with me when I watch this movie, unless, of course, you don’t mind the sights and sounds of someone sobbing, sniffing and blowing her nose. I’ve seen this movie a number of times but that never diminishes its impact. It is a lovely love story, heartwarming and sad, with indelible characters and wonderful performances by Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, James Garner and Gena Rowlands. 5 cans and a box of tissues.
84. The Flamingo Kid (HBO) – A very cute, very young Matt Dillon plays 18-year old Jeffrey Willis, from a working class family in Brooklyn. When his friends take him to a beach club in Rockaway, Jeffrey gets a job there parking cars, cleaning cabanas, getting great tips and career advice from slick card player Richard Crenna. It takes Jeffrey a while to understand that the flashy car dealer Crenna, so initially appealing, isn’t all he seems to be. Best scene: Crenna showing off his new remote control to change channels and passing through a scene of himself and Walter Brennan in “The Real McCoys.” 3½ cans.
85. The Go-Between (TCM) – Long before the advent of cell phones and text messages, before e-mail, Facebook and tweets, love was expressed through letters. The logistics of an illicit affair were challenging for the lovers, since they had to devise a way to exchange messages surreptitiously. Enter young Master Leo, a 13-year old boy spending the summer at the country estate of his friend Markus and taking on the role of “postman” for Markus’ beautiful older sister Marian (Julie Christie) and her lover Ted (Alan Bates). Though poor Leo suspects what is going on, he has no understanding of the birds and the bees. With a major crush on Marian, however, he is a willing pawn. Much of the film is devoted to scenes of the poor kid running from the estate to Bates’ modest cottage. Slow-moving and veddy British, this is one of the few British films I have seen which doesn’t include Emma Thompson or Dame Judy Dench in the cast. 3 cans.
86. Eat, Pray, Love (Hillsborough, with Dee, Angela and Sheila) – Can a divorced New York author find happiness and fulfillment by eating her way through Italy, praying her way through India and loving her way through Bali? That’s the question here, as Julia Roberts portrays Elizabeth Gilbert, who took a year off to find herself and eat some beautifully photographed Italian food in this chick-flick. She’s not looking for a man, though she finds several influential men during her journey. The India part could have been shorter, but the other two seemed just right. Who among us hasn’t wrestled with her soul or the zipper of her jeans when life and our midsections become too much weight for us to bare? Gotta go now – the pasta is boiling on the stove. 3½ cans.
87. Cadillac Records (TV) – Before there was Berry Gordy and Motown, Dick Clark and Bandstand, even before rock and roll itself, there was the blues, exemplified by musicians like Muddy Waters. When Leonard Chess opened a club in Chicago, he introduced a stable of talented but often troubled musicians, signing them to his own Chess Records label. Along with Walters, his standouts were Little Walter on the harp, the legendary Chuck Berry, whose guitar riffs were later ripped off by the Beach Boys, and the tough but vulnerable Etta James, played here by Beyonce. Chess at one time or another bought them all Cadillacs to thank them for helping him grow the label, even as they wrestled with booze, drugs and money problems. Any movie that features the Etta James classic “At Last” can’t be all bad. 3½ cans.
88. & 89. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kind/The Sting (TV) – It is only appropriate to pair together two movies that teamed the duo of Paul Newman and Robert Redford. Whether playing bank robbers in Butch Cassidy or con men in The Sting, Newman & Redford are such good bad guys. Their effortless performances, the pleasurable plots, the unique music that became popular because of these films (“Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” in Butch and Scott Joplin’s piano music in The Sting) made both of these movies immensely engaging. George Roy Hill directed both and I can only imagine the fun these guys must have had throughout production. Throw in small but effective parts by Katharine Ross in Butch and Eileen Brennan in The Sting and you have perfectly cast roles. Love it all. 9 cans, or 4½ cans each.
90. Impromptu (Netflix with Angela) – This strange little movie stars Judy Davis as author George Sand and a very young Hugh Grant as composer Frederic Chopin. The trouser-clad Sand has a reputation as a wild woman who goes after lovers aggressively and tires of them quickly. Grant uses his usual befuddled expression (though his usual stammering is replaced her by a persistent cough) while Davis bores in on him relentlessly. Meanwhile, Emma Thompson, as a rich society woman, is happy to invite artists and musicians to her estate since even then it seems that hanging out with celebrities was considered pretty cool. A quirky and occasionally amusing movie, Impromptu rates only 3 cans. Sorry, Angela.
91. Pride & Prejudice (TV) – This remake of the Greer Garson version of the Jane Austen novel is actually very good. As much as I admire Garson, I have to admit that Keira Knightly is more suited – age-wise – for the role of feisty Elizabeth Bennett. The story of a mother worried about having her five daughters marry well, it has all the pride and prejudice of high society versus plain folks – if you buy plain folks living in an old mansion and still having household help. In this version, the dour Mr. Darcy is played by Matthew Macfadyen. While you assume it is inevitable that he will fall for the sprightly Elizabeth, she initially wants no part of him – at least outwardly. I enjoyed the movie, but remind me never to watch anything with commercials. Oxygen not only interrupted the movie repeatedly, but the commercials promoted the network’s “Bad Girls Club,” which is not exactly like the Mickey Mouse Club. As for the movie itself, 4 cans.
92. The Invention of Lying (HBO) – Ricky Gervais plays to his strengths as a short, fat loser with a snub nose who lives in a world where everyone tells the truth (and describes him in that way). Imagine, the waiter tells you the food you are about to eat is terrible and the girl you just met tells you up front she has absolutely no interest in you. When Gervais’ character accidentally lies at his bank he discovers that he can benefit from not telling the truth and no one is the wiser. He tries to comfort his dying mother by telling her that once she passes on she’ll be in a much better place (“Everyone lives in a mansion,” he explains) and he gains notoriety for his wisdom and familiarity with the “Man in the sky.” This comedy has elements of fantasy (beyond the fact that Jennifer Garner falls for him), spirituality and social commentary that make it a step above the ordinary comedy. To tell the truth, I’m glad I saw it for free on cable, but I give it 3½ cans.
93. Without a Trace (TV) – In the 27 years since this movie was made, there have been countless high profile cases centering on missing children. The case in this movie predates most of what we have come to see far too often, young children becoming victims while their anguished and mostly helpless parents become the target of the media. Judd Hirsch as the cop and Kate Nelligan as the mother give excellent, nuanced performances, each trying to cope with life and solve the case. 3½ cans.

Judgment Day - August 2010

I try not to be judgmental, but there are just too many occasions when I can’t help but express my opinions. Although I am completely unqualified in so many areas, that lack of expertise in no way inhibits me from issuing my own verdict about practically anything.

Take dancing, for instance. Having watched all of the seasons of “Dancing With the Stars” – and I use that latter term loosely, based on my judgment of who is really a star – I now find myself opining on the contestants’ musicality, extension and the difficulty of the choreography. Me, whose entire ballroom dancing experience consists of Bunny and Stan Scharf showing me how to do the cha-cha when I was 12. I am equally qualified as a singer, or, at least, I certainly know bad singing when I hear it because that is all I can do. Yet, when “American Idol” airs, I immediately feel free to offer my opinion of the vocal talents of people 16-28 years old – even though no one has asked. Now that Simon and Ellen have left the show and, given my availability, I am waiting for a call from Hollywood officially asking me to join the judges’ panel. Don’t you think I’d be better than J Lo? I’d be much less expensive – and considerably less diva-like (I would agree to any color M&Ms in my dressing room, thank you, and any brand of bottled water, as long as it is cold, will do).

My ability to judge the creative arts appears to have no boundaries. Each year I dutifully note which clothing designers are the best and worst on “Project Runway,” even though I cannot even sew on a button successfully (I blame my eyes for not being able to thread the needle as I drop things off at the cleaners for repair). I quickly identified the bottom two designers on the new season of “Design Star,” and, though I know even less about art than dancing, singing and design, I promptly decided which aspiring artist should pack her brushes and go on the new program, “Work of Art.” Not being able to taste the food on cooking shows like “Top Chef” doesn’t stop me from deciding which chefs should pack their knives and go. And that’s not just a case of giving low scores to the ones who sweat into their food, either.

On the HGTV show “House Hunters,” I watch prospective homeowners look at three houses and decide which of the three to buy. One has big bedrooms but a bad backyard, while another has a room for a “man cave” but not enough room for the wife’s shoes (they never have enough room for the wife’s shoes). At the end of the show, while we review the attributes of each abode, I helpfully hold up one, two or three fingers to tell them which one to choose. When they choose one that I didn’t choose for them, I try to be happy for them, even though I know they made the wrong choice.

Recent editions of “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” also have ignored my verbal pleas as someone gets down on one knee and proposes to the wrong person. I don’t want to say “I told you so,” but Jake and Vienna split before Ali and Roberto became a match (and this time, one of which I approve).

It’s not like I always want to be “Judge Judy.” I like the competition shows where the conclusion is clear. On “The Amazing Race,” for example, the last team to arrive at the pit stop is eliminated (unless it is a non-elimination round, that is). It’s easy: Come in last and you go home. But on programs where strategy is involved, such as “Survivor,” I just pick out the people I don’t like or trust and give thanks I am not stuck in a jungle with them, peeing in a bush and brushing my teeth with a leaf. On other shows, such as “America’s Got Talent,” we are asked to judge an earnest young singer whose father has leukemia versus a guy who juggles chain saws. Sometimes it is easier just to change the channel.

In the end, at least I am glad I am making my judgments on these shows based on the merits of the talent as I perceive it. I don’t watch shows like “The Real Housewives of Fill-In-the-Blank” or “America’s Next Top Model.” That’s because I don’t need to see those programs to judge them. I have already decided they aren’t worth my time.

Tina's July Movies

July
71. More Than a Game (TV) – Long before he became the world’s most sought-after free agent, LeBron James was an athletic kid playing basketball and winning championships in Akron, Ohio, with three good buddies. This film shows a lanky 11-year old James, one of several good players regularly trouncing AAU teams, through his evolution into a 17-year old man-child, winning state and national high school championships. But it is more than the LeBron show, as he and his friends develop into accomplished basketball players, young men and good friends. Talent like LeBron’s may come along once in a generation, but it is teamwork that ultimately wins championships. 4 cans.
72. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (Montgomery with Nan and Hank) – At 75 and with a face only a plastic surgeon could love, Joan Rivers is a desperate woman. She is desperate for recognition as the comedy pioneer she was and still is, desperate for acceptance and desperate to keep working. Her greatest fear is a blank page in her “book,” the calendar in which she writes down all of her engagements. “Ask a nun why she is a nun,” she says in attempting to explain why she is still doing gigs in Wisconsin, on cruise ships and at 4:30 in the afternoon in the Bronx. With staff to pay and a New York apartment in which even she admits Marie Antoinette could live, the insecure icon needs the money, the fame and to be on the stage, the only place where she is truly happy. There is a sense of loneliness and sadness to this movie, which documents one year in Rivers’ life but refers back to her many highs (as permanent guest host on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show) and lows (when Fox cancelled her own talk show, Johnny refused to ever speak with her again and her husband committed suicide). But in the end, it is a revealing and honest look at a very funny woman doing what she does best – make us laugh – and she is still damn good at it. 3½ cans.
73. The Paper Chase (TV) – The trials and tribulations of law students at Harvard are played out in this 1973 film starring a floppy-haired Timothy Bottoms as first-year student Hart and the great John Housman as formidable Professor Kingsfield. They develop a mutual respect even as Kingsfield refuses to acknowledge that he knows Hart’s name. A young Lindsay Wagner (before she became the Bionic Woman), Edward Hermann (before he played FDR and lots of grandfathers) and James Naughton (before he became a song and dance man on Broadway) co-star. This movie was turned into a very good TV series and educated those of us not in law school about how tough it is to get out alive. 3½ cans.
74. I Am Love (Montgomery, with Dee and Sheila) – You start with a love story, add Italian scenery and throw in a dash of food, courtesy of the chef character in the movie, and you have a recipe for success, right? Not so fast. A great performance by Tilda Swinton as the bored Russian mother in a wealthy Italian family whose son decides to open a restaurant with his friend Antonio, a chef. Seduced by the chef’s enormous prawns, Momma begins an affair that seems somewhat far-fetched, and the foreboding music tells you that this is not going to end well. I wanted more – more food, more sunny countryside scenes and a more handsome lover with better assets than those on display here. I am love – no. I am disappointed – yes. 3½ cans.
75. Unfaithful (HBO) – Richard Gere is not enough for Diane Lane, at least not after she (literally) bumps into young Frenchman Olivier Martinez and begins a torrid affair in this movie. If Martinez had played the Italian in the movie above, I would have given “I Am Love” another star. I’ve liked Diane Lane’s work since she appeared as a 14-year old in “A Little Romance” way back when. I also loved her in the movie in which she had a torrid affair with Viggo Mortensen, “A Walk on the Moon.” Here, her face as she returns home on the train after her initial tryst with Martinez reveals both ecstasy and guilt. Great performance in a very satisfying film. My favorite part is when she knows that he knows but he doesn’t know that she knows that he knows. You know? 4 ½ cans.
76. Presumed Innocent (TV) – Harrison Ford stars in this whodunit courtroom drama as a prosecutor accused of killing his former lover, fellow attorney (Greta Sacchi). As in the two movies I saw immediately preceding this one, the lesson here again is that no good can come from having a hot affair. I will bear that in mind, just in case an opportunity presents itself. Ford gives an almost sleepy performance, with little dialog to help him convince us of his innocence. I won’t tell you how it ends, but I remember seeing this years ago and not expecting the twist in the case. 3½ cans.
77. Toots (Sundance Channel) – Saloonkeeper to the stars Toots Shor was the toast of New York from the 40s to the 60s. Long before places like Studio 54 attracted the rich and famous, Toot’s joint was the hangout for Sinatra, Gleason and DiMaggio, as well as sportswriters, newspapermen and mobsters. This documentary recounts the days and nights of the gregarious barkeep and his famous and infamous cohorts. Rich in anecdotes and interviews with Toots and his pals, this is a portrait of a true New York character, someone who met Pope John and called him a “helluva guy.” So was Toots. 3½ cans.
78. Flash of Genius (Blockbuster rental) –This film focuses on the inventor of intermittent windshield wipers, Dr. Bob Kearns, played by Greg Kinnear in a surprisingly interesting movie about patent violations. After striking a deal with Kearns, Ford rained on his parade by coming out with its own product, claiming its engineers invented it. Kearns struck back, doggedly taking on the giant company at the cost of first his sanity, and then his marriage and family. Don’t we always root for the underdog? Next time I turn on my wipers, I will think of Kearns and his contribution to automotive safety and innovation. 3 cans.
79. The Turning Point (TV) – This ballet-themed movie is on point as former ballerina Shirley MacLaine and fading ballerina Anne Bancroft, once BFFs, reflect on their respective choices and achievements as they battle for control over the promising career of MacLaine’s coming of age daughter. Harboring decades of resentment, they have to come to terms with each other and the paths they have chosen. Did MacLaine’s character get pregnant because she was in love or because she was afraid she wasn’t good enough to make it as a ballet star? Did Bancroft’s Emma give up everything to be a prima ballerina? This is the movie that brought the gravity-defying Mikhail Baryshnikov to the screen. Great performances and a stellar catfight. 4 cans.
80. The Kids Are All Right (in Montgomery with Dee and Angela) – Annette Bening is an uptight doctor with control issues and her partner, played by Julianne Moore, is a new age, middle aged woman looking for the right vibe – or something. When the kids in the title, an 18-year old daughter by Bening and a 15-year son named Laser by Moore, track down their sperm donor dad (Mark Ruffalo), relationships begin to change for everyone. Rough around the edges Ruffalo, a single restaurateur who is way too cool to be a real dad, nonetheless brings some perspective to the kids that their Moms could not. He also brings something to Moore that Bening cannot. She had him at “Hello!” 4 cans.
81. Three Days of the Condor (TV) – Robert Redford stars in this suspenseful film as a low-level CIA analyst. He can’t imagine that his mundane job – reading books – could possibly uncover a rogue CIA network that results in the deaths of all of his co-workers and leaves him on the run. He needs help and a place to hide, for which he randomly grabs Faye Dunaway, who is initially terrified but eventually – well, he IS Robert Redford, you know. Good story, if a little tough to follow, and Redford looked great in 1974. 4 cans.
82. Yankee Doodle Dandy (TCM) – As a movie aficionado, I have to admit I was embarrassed that I had never seen this All-American movie, but what better month to see it than in July? Tough guy actor James Cagney goes back to his song and dance man roots to portray George M. Cohan, composer, actor, singer, patriot and Broadway producer. Cohan was responsible for such classic tunes as “You’re a Grand Old Flag,” “Over There,” and “Give My Regards to Broadway.” Cagney emulates Cohan’s odd dancing style, tapping with a stiff-legged gait while bent from the waist, and he was impressive enough in this role to win an Oscar. The production numbers are grand but cheesy. I know it is considered a grand old movie, but it’s just not my cup of tea. 3 cans.

Trash Talk - July 2010

“We’re down to one bag of trash a month,” dear friend Katherine proclaimed proudly.

One bag a month, I thought. One bag a week would have impressed me, but one bag a month? That seems almost impossible, unless you reside on the space station, where I imagine trash pick-up is really limited.

Katherine went on to explain the seven kinds of recycling accepted in her town in a conversation that only two dear friends could have without feeling really bored. By now I was really jealous, though I perked up a bit when she admitted they still have a problem with overuse of paper towels. She assured me, however, that she really is using those ShamWows we bought and shared (and no, ShamWow is not one of the people on “Jersey Shore.”). They use cloth napkins (I could do that, I think), and run the dishwasher often. Mine runs about once a quarter, so at least I’m ahead on the lowering of energy consumption (as if this were a competition).

She also composts all her vegetable scraps and has a sizable garden, affording her family of four the opportunity to eat whatever tomatoes, zucchini, potatoes, etc., the rabbits and other wildlife haven’t plundered before harvest. That means not only better quality and more fresh veggies are consumed at her house than at mine, but also that she doesn’t have to deal with all the plastic bags and wrapping in which we tote home our produce. She always uses her own bags at the supermarket and has for years, even before it became fashionable to do so. I do this about half the time, when I remember to bring them in from the car. Once I had my own bags on my arm while shopping and still forgot to bag in them since I was apparently so transfixed by watching the cash register while checking out.

This leaves me with one question: How can one person produce all this trash?

As a consumer of many kinds of goods, I always have to contend with packaging materials. There is that hideous plastic that imprisons my memory sticks for my computer and memory cards for my camera, all 10 times the size of the product they encase, and all of which are lethally sharp as I cut them with my utility knife to wrestle out the contents. Then there is food packaging – huge boxes in which much less cereal resides than it would appear and boxes that contain individual packets of cookies or other snacks. There are the Styrofoam cartons for the eggs, foam trays beneath the meat and chicken, the little plastic cups for my cling peaches, and, of course, all those shiny packets that house my beloved Bumble Bee Tuna.

Sunday and Wednesday nights I haul the trash out in my trash can, placing it at the curb with my secret trash code visible from my front door. Code, you wonder? What is a trash code? I always take the red draw string from the big black bag (into which I place the smaller white bag) and put it outside the lid of the garbage can. That way I can tell at a glance whether the garbage has been picked up and I need to go out and retrieve the can. Believe me, in the winter, this clever trick has helped me avoid many a possible slip on the icy driveway.

Not that I don’t try to be good. I dutifully recycle my cardboard, remove the labels from my cans and bottles (more trash just from the labels), collect all the magazine inserts and junk mail and neatly tie my newspapers into bundles. (My sister, once observing the latter ritual, inquired as to whether I was recycling or gift wrapping the newspapers.) I broke down so many cardboard cartons when I moved into this house that I ended up at the orthopedist with carpal tunnel in both wrists (His advice? Don’t move again.). If I use a paper towel for a quick wipe of something (like cleaning my glasses), I’ll let it dry and reuse it for something else. I refuse bags from the store if the item is small and fits in my purse. I reuse my plastic bags, lining the garbage pails in the bathrooms and bedrooms with the grocery ones and reserving the larger ones (mostly from Kohl’s or Macy’s) for my shredded paper. If my take-out or doggie bags are aluminum pans, I wash them and reuse them for leftovers. In my town, you can’t recycle your cereal or pizza boxes or the plastic from the salad bar containers, so I feel like I am doing all I can.

Or am I?

Maybe if I consume less – buy less stuff that I probably don’t need anyway, eat less (my docs would be happy) and just try not to get all caught up in trash, I’d actually have less to toss. I’ll try the cloth napkin route and use the ShamWows more to clean up after meals to cut down on the paper towels. If I cook more and have less takeout I’ll probably come out ahead in several ways.

But one bag of trash a month? It’s only a dream for me.

Stay tuned for next month, when I consider this burning question: How can one person produce this much laundry?

Tina's June Movies

Not a great month for movies, but I did get to the theater to see Sex and the City. Here's what I watched in June, with numbering picked up from the rest of the year.

June
63. Bringing Down the House (TV) – After a very busy and exhausting day, this Steve Martin-Queen Latifah comedy was just what I needed to relax. A fish-out-of-water tale of rich versus poor, white vs. black and uptight vs. spontaneous, this movie has many funny moments, none funnier than Steve Martin going gansta in a club. Eugene Levy almost steals the movie as well as the heart of the Queen, who, by the way, shows great potential as an actress. Very cute, and Betty White to boot. 3½ cans.
64. Second Hand Lions (rental) – Recommended by pool pal Bunny, this film is about two crusty old men (Robert Duvall and Michael Caine, sans English accent) living alone in a dilapidated house in Texas, content to welcome uninvited guests with shotgun blasts. When their previously unknown young nephew (Haley Joel Osment) is dumped on their door by his ne’er-do-well mother, the quiet youngster and eccentric old men develop the kind of predictable bond you expect in this kind of movie. Nonetheless, there is enough funny and heart-warming stuff to make viewing this film highly worthwhile. 3½ cans.
65. The Ugly Truth (rental) – The ugly truth is that Hollywood is bound and determined to make Katherine Heigl the next Goldie Hawn-Meg Ryan-Sandra Bullock rom-com queen, but this movie doesn’t quite get her to the throne. She has the right qualities but not as yet the right vehicle. Predictable in plot and annoying in making a competent woman into a ditzy idiot. 2½ cans.
66. A Perfect Murder (TV) – Michael Douglas is at his Gordon Gekko best as a wealthy businessman who hires his wife’s lover (Gwyneth Paltrow and Viggo Mortenson) to kill her. Is it for her family’s money? Will lover-boy, with a rather shady past, complete the mission made possible by Douglas? Does anyone in New York really live in an apartment that big? Suspenseful and with enough twists and turns to keep it very interesting. 4 cans.
67. Fame (rental) – A remake of the 1980s movie, this version lacks the exuberance and jaw-dropping talent displayed by the original cast (particularly by the late dancer Gene Anthony). Lots of familiar names among the faculty (Debbie Allen, Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth, Megan Mulally) but they have little to contribute. The young dancers, filmmakers, singers and dancers are more aspiring than inspiring. Maybe on its own this movie would fare better, but I kept comparing it to its much superior predecessor. This one will not live forever. 3 cans.
68. Smash His Camera (TV) – Speaking of fame, this documentary captures the original paparazzo, Ron Galella, who made his reputation by stalking and shooting his celebrity prey – especially Jackie Kennedy (whose demand prompts the title of the film) – with his ever-present camera. Galella and Jackie had a love-hate relationship. In a creepy way, he adored her, while she hated him (but allegedly kept a stash of magazines in which his pictures of her appeared). Though I deplore his invasion of the privacy of public figures, I couldn’t stop looking at the iconic images of Jackie and her kids and of so many other prominent people he shot in his (and their) heyday. Is it art, photojournalism or simply voyeurism? Or is it working hard to be in the right place at the right time with a camera? 4 cans.
69. Sex & the City (with Andrea) – Sometimes it is best to approach a movie with low expectations so you won’t be disappointed. I had expected this movie to be somewhere between “Ishtar” and “Mamma Mia” and was pleasantly surprised to enjoy it as much as I did. The girls, in full travel regalia – including a hat worn by Carrie Bradshaw that needed its own seat on the plane – are off to Abu Dhabi with their conspicuous consumption and Samantha’s unstoppable sex drive. The latter joke is really beginning to wane, and the overdose of references to menopause and hormones was just that – an overdose. For SATC fans, however, there are healthy doses of Big, Aidan and beefcake – to say nothing of a $22,000 a day hotel suite and the ability to buy shoes for $20 – that make this fantasy worthwhile. 4 cans, surprisingly.
**. It’s Complicated – Since I have already seen this movie once this year, I am not counting it in the total. However, I will point out that I found it well worth seeing a second time, especially with someone who hadn’t seen it yet.
70. June 17, 1994 (ESPN) – On June 17, 1994, Arnold Palmer was playing his last round of competitive golf, President Bill Clinton and a very slim Oprah Winfrey were welcoming soccer teams to the World Cup in Chicago, the New York Rangers were in a tickertape parade in honor of winning the Stanley Cup, and O. J. Simpson was in a white Ford Bronco with pal Al Cowlings, leading L.A. police on a slow-speed chase after being charged with the murder of his wife and her friend. This documentary – with no interviews, no voiceover and only news and sports broadcasts of all of these events – is a compelling reminder of the Simpson circus and how it forever altered coverage of news, blurring it with popular culture and expanding the reign of celebrity. This film is part of ESPN’s outstanding “30 for 30” series of documentaries, hour-long programs made with considerable freedom by a wide range of filmmakers. I have seen almost all of them, but couldn’t decide whether to treat them like actual movies. Since their quality is so high, and since I’d like to recommend them when appropriate, I have decided to include them here. 4 cans.