May Day

I just caught a few minutes of a TV talk show starring Martha Stewart and Snoop Dog and I am pretty sure I died and moved on to an alternate universe, because this CANNOT be real.  It looks like a sketch from Saturday Night Live!

Why is an open-faced grilled cheese sandwich called the “Happy Waitress Special” in every diner in America?  I have never seen a waitress celebrate that order.

For those of you wondering, Ice Cream Season has started here in the Gordon House, although with the cold weather we have been having, it is not a daily event.

Even though she didn’t know the answer to my question (Alexa, why do bananas have strings?), I think Alexa was happy to start off her workday with a question about something other than the weather report or my schedule. 

Despite all of the advances in medical technology, when you go to the eye doctor, they still hand you that old wooden spoon-like device (now made of plastic) to cover one eye at a time while you attempt to read the chart.

I always get a little anxious on that part of my eye exam when the doctor puts the big machine in front of me (you know, the one that has been used for decades), sets the numbers and asks me which one is better, number 1 or number 2.   Is there a right or wrong answer?  Can I try again?  Maybe #2 does seems clearer, but was that supposed to be the case?  Are my answers making any sense? 

There should be training for people in supermarket conduct.  For example, don’t leave your cart in the middle of the aisle as you complete your search for canned peaches.  Chance are, it is in the way of someone else.  And don’t stick it in the middle of the aisle with your hand on it while you grab something, because that blocks the aisle, too.  And please don’t leave your purse in the top of the cart while you do any of these things or you are just asking to have it stolen.  Don’t go to the checkout line that is meant for 10 and under if you have 20 items.  Once you are on the line, don’t go running through the store to get that one thing (or more) that you forgot and leave the rest of us waiting for your return. Get your coupons out and ready for the cashier.  If you are doing your own check-out (which I HATE to do), make sure you know what you are doing (I often need help, which is one of the reasons I try to avoid it!).  Know the name of the apples you are buying so you can look them up correctly.  Once you leave the store, if you can, put your cart in the designated cart collection areas and don’t leave it there to roll into someone else’s car in the parking lot (which happened to me just last week; no damage).  And please, stop standing in the produce or frozen food aisles wearing the shortest of shorts and a tank top.  That outfit is meant for Walmart, not ShopRite!

The May challenge from my photography club is to take a picture showing something decrepit, in disrepair or falling apart.  When I mentioned in my physical therapy session that I had my camera with me, ready to take pictures, three people wanted to know if I would be taking pictures of them!  Relax, folks, it is THINGS in disrepair, not those of you whose knees and hips are ready to collapse.

I don’t understand (or appreciate) women’s public restrooms that lack hooks to hang my handbag.  What are you supposed to do with your purse when you are using the facilities?  I don’t want to put my bag on the germy, disgusting floor.  I actually have hung my bag around my neck to avoid having it hit the floor.  Get some damn Command hooks, people.  Let’s solve this problem!

While we are on the subject of restrooms, why do we call them restrooms?  Does anyone go in there to take a rest?  Where’s the couch?  And do you really want to linger in a room where people are taking care of business?  Yeah, I don’t think so.

And finally, when you are done washing your hands – with soap, if you can get some to eke out of the dispenser – you have to dry your hands.  That could go one of two ways.  You either have to do the Hokey Pokey under the paper towel dispenser to coax some out, or you have to put your hands under a blower that feels so powerful that you wonder if your skin will be blown off.  And then you don’t want to touch the door with your clean hands, because not everyone is like YOU and sometimes they don’t wash their hands and God knows what germs are on the door handle, so you open it with the paper towel that finally came out of the towel holder and then you don’t know what to do with your used towel because not you have left the restroom and you are not nearly rested.  Oh, I’m on a roll now, huh?

You know, there’s this whole dress code that we enforce on ourselves – no white in winter, no sandals until spring, etc.  Remember when the biggest scandal in the Obama presidency was that he wore a tan suit (oh, those were the good old days…)?  I have found that it is acceptable to wear a t-shirt (the non-logo or funny saying type) as long as you throw on a necklace to dress it up. I’d like to thank Tina Turner (for so many things) for strutting down the street wearing a black dress, killer heels (those legs!) and a denim jacket in the video for “What’s Love Got to Do With It.”  She made jeans jackets wearable for practically any occasion two decades ago!

I always run out of hotdogs before I run out of rolls (probably because the hotdogs come in a package of 7 and the rolls come in a package of 8).  Or I have to buy rolls to replace the leftover rolls I used and then have too many rolls because the dogs are gone.  Is this what they mean when they say we need balance in our lives?

I like ordering things on line and then being surprised when the package arrives because I can’t remember what I ordered.

Maybe I was a bit late in jumping on board the James Holzhauer “Jeopardy” train, but I am no less intrigued by this incredibly intelligent, quick and competitive player than everyone else.  His brilliant strategy for selecting the highest paying clue in each category and then working his way up the board is an innovative approach that now makes me wonder why no one else thought of it before he did.  He amasses so much money by betting heavily in the Daily Doubles – and he bets very strange amounts – that by Final Jeopardy, it is almost impossible to beat him.  I find this fascinating television, but I don’t get the outrage that he is “ruining the game.”  There have been opinion pieces in such venerable publication as The Washington Post decrying his domination.  People, the despot in charge in Washington is ruining the country and some of you are concerned about ruining a GAME SHOW?  It is a GAME, it has lasted for 35+ years, and civilization will not be ruined if it were to go off the air.  Turn your worries to things that are really worth protesting and let James rule!

The highlight of my day was finding my expensive eye vitamins on sale at ShopRite AND having a $5 coupon with me.  I saved $12.  I feel triumphant!

One of my latest favorite things is one of those stamp devices used to roll over and obliterate my address on junk mail, catalogs, envelopes, etc.  The stamper says CONFIDENTIAL, and I roll over the address twice with it, upside down, so good luck to anyone trying to discern the actual address.  The use of this simple device saves me from having to shred bills and other material before I recycle them.  Mine was a gift, but I advise buying one to stay safe and anonymous – as much as possible.

For what it is worth, I vow to NEVER wear a jumpsuit. I don’t need to disrobe in a public bathroom every time I need to relieve myself.  Thanks, but no.  (Unless I get a jail sentence and am forced to don the OITNB jumpsuits.)

I have this annoying habit (among others) where I type a word that begins with a capital letter and accidentally capitalize the next letter, too.  Such as APril 2019.  I also make the same typos consistently, mistyping Chciago, buisness and other words.  I think I have finger dyslexia (don’t worry, I made it up and you can’t catch it).

I have a box of toothpicks in the cabinet that spilled while I was taking them out.  I threw away a bunch, but, since there are 750 in the box, it appears my lifetime supply of these ridiculously thin and breakable toothpicks will not be affected.  I’m adding a new box to my shopping list in hopes of finding a smaller package with better quality toothpicks.  Who says my life isn’t exciting?


Considering what a huge sports fan I am, it is amazing how little I know – or care – about hockey.