July Grins & Giggles

Last week there was a blob on my rear window so big that I drove for miles thinking I was being followed.

For reference, if I say “today,” “yesterday,” “last week,” etc., I could be referring to any day or even no day because I made the whole thing up. My blog, my rules, you know?

No one I know sleeps well anymore. People can’t fall asleep or stay asleep or they have to get up and use the bathroom during the night. I never know if I wake up because I have to go or if I go because I woke up. Some people can’t get through the day (or a movie) without a nap. Others have to use C-Pap machines and wear masks to help them breathe. Sound familiar? The result of all this is that I now can get text messages before 7 AM because we are up and functioning early. My phone rule used to be to never to call anyone before 10 AM, but now, we are all awake and communicating.

I appreciate the fact that my friends know me well enough to send me a text in the middle of a baseball or basketball game because they know that I am watching what they are watching. Or they see a clip on Instagram and send it to me because they know we laughed over that scene 50 years ago. Or they go to a concert and send me a video of my favorite line in a song because they know that, too.

Alexa is big on alerting me to the poor air quality in the area. She reports that the alert will last until 12:45. So what happens at 12:46? All is clear? How about 12:40? Way too soon to breathe outside? She will also let me know that there is a “51% chance of rain,” which is as noncommittal a forecast as you can get. 

I had a smart thermostat installed so I can tell Alexa to adjust the heat or air conditioning from the comfort of my couch – or even remotely if I am away. I’ll specify that I want the thermostat set at 74 degrees, but Alexa prefers to deal in temperature ranges and not specifics. “The thermostat will maintain the temperature between 72 and 76 degrees,” she will advise me. You can’t just say 74, Alexa? 

My parents didn’t need Alexa. They simply had to say out loud, “turn up the thermostat,” or “turn off the hall light,” and my sister and I would have to get up and do that chore! 

I told my hairdresser to just cut the gray hair and leave the brown. Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.

I am all about hooks. I have hooks behind my closet door, bathroom doors, in the laundry room and everywhere else they come in handy. There should be a law that all ladies rooms have hooks on the door for our coats and purses. And please put one up in your guest bathroom. I need a place for my bathrobe and PJs.

How exciting is my life? For Amazon Prime Day, my big discount purchase was washing machine cleaner. What a deal!

There was a New Jersey category on Jeopardy one night recently and one of the clues was: “It was actually a trio of brothers who founded this New Brunswick-based health care company in 1886, but it goes by This & This.” None of the contestants even made a guess, no less knew the answer – What is Johnson & Johnson? My friends, former colleagues and I were appalled at their lack of knowledge!

Ladies – remember when you shaved your underarms and you couldn’t put on antiperspirant because it would sting? Remember when you had to shave your underarms in the first place? 

Anyone who can figure out their cable bill or insurance claims should automatically get a PhD in math.

A bear was reported on the loose in my town and authorities warned residents not to approach the animal. Really, do people think it’s Yogi Bear and they can just make friends with him? You don’t have to tell ME twice to stay away!

There's a character in the book I'm reading (“Rock, Paper Scissors”) named Henry Winter. Every time I see his name, I read it as Henry Winkler. The character and the actor could not be more different. I wish he were Henry Winkler!

Those pop-up ads for carry-on bags by Biaggi and the Foldie make make me laugh. They show people easily packing multiple pairs of shoes, pants, bathing suits, dresses, tops, etc., even adding a hat. Meanwhile, I have bags from both of them and I can barely put my pool stuff in the Foldie – and that’s without a towel! I couldn’t pack a week’s worth of clothing into a carry-on bag if someone threatened me at gunpoint to do it. These people must have clothes that could fit a Barbie doll. Real people’s clothes are MUCH bigger! I will admit that I am an overpacker, but these bags can merely supplement the giant suitcases I need. 

I have been taking aqua aerobics classes off and on (mostly on) for about 12 years now. The irony is that when I am in the pool, I don’t want to get wet! If a swimmer is in a lane adjacent to our class and is a big splasher, I move. 

Don’t you hate it when you are trying to find a spot in a parking lot and you think you found one only to see that a car is in that spot but you couldn’t see it because it was flanked by SUVs? Unofficial survey – More than half the vehicles in the lot by my gym are SUVs. It is not only hard to find a parking space, it is also hard to back out because you can’t see whether another vehicle or a person are about to pass behind you. Or is it just me?

If you are the first person at the red light, it is your responsibility to pay attention and be ready to go as soon as the light turns green. How frustrating it is to be the 7th person on that line and know you will be there for another light because number 1 is not shooting out when the light is green!

Of all of the knives in my kitchen drawer, one remains my favorite after years of use. It is a knife that I bought from an infomercial (not a Ginzu knife; this one is only labeled “TV Knife”) years ago. It was one of those pitches that if you bought one now you could get a second knife for free or something like that. It is perfect for slicing bagels and rolls and even tomatoes. I keep buying more knives and having the more expensive ones sharpened by a guy in my community who provides that service very inexpensively, but nothing will ever top that late-night impulse purchase. I wish I could say that about all the rest of the gadgets I just had to have and found disappointing.

There is that period of time when you enter your password and you’re waiting to access a website or app and your heart is in your throat because you don’t know whether you used the correct password. Who needs that kind of stress?

I received an important message from my power company, PSEG, letting me know that “Weather could affect your energy use.” What an astute observation. You mean that when it is hot I might use the air conditioning more? No kidding!

I just had the house power washed and had the windows cleaned. Expect storms the rest of the summer. Meanwhile, the house was so clean and the windows crystal clear plus the cleaning service cam that day. I felt that I better sit in one place and not move so as not to disturb the cleanliness!

I am saddened by the shuttering of the award-winning Sports section of The New York Times. The sports reporting will now come exclusively through the online outlet The Athletic, which the Times purchased last year. The Times had great writers and editors, recipients of Pulitzer Prizes and people very well-respected for their journalism. I am sad to see the demise of a tradition that falls because of the changing commercial landscape. 

One of my favorite lines from a TV show is in “Taxi.” As his former girlfriend Zena marries someone else, Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) borrows a line from fellow driver Alex Rieger (Judd Hirsch) to let her know how he feels. “Happiness is hard to come by in this life, and you’ve given me more than my share.” I hope each of us has someone in our life to whom we can say those words. Poetry in a sitcom.

Summer Milestones:

•    May – Days are getting longer and flowers and tomatoes are available at the local nursery or ShopRite.
•    Mother’s Day – It is now safe to plant those flowers and tomato plants.
•    Memorial Day – Bring out the burgers, the parades and tributes to the fallen soldiers. And get those plants in the ground. It is now ok to begin eating ice cream again (this is MY rule, so you can feel free to indulge at any time).
•    June – Proms, graduations, weddings, showers. Schools close, shore season starts.
•    Father’s Day – More barbecues.
•    Late June – Official start to summer, longest day of the year, followed by each day getting shorter from here on.
•    July 4 – Parades, barbecues and watching the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating contest on ESPN. I love hotdogs but I could never eat the rolls if they are dunked in water.
•    After July 4 – Outdoor concerts around for free. You can start buying coats at Macy’s but if you haven’t bought a bathing suit by now, good luck.
•    August – Dog days, heat and humidity. Be sure to wear a sweatshirt in the supermarket. Those people wearing tank tops look really cold. You have more home-grown veggies than you know what to do with.
•    Late August – Corn, tomatoes and peaches abound at the local farmers market. School supplies are on store shelves everywhere but Bed Bath and Beyond is no longer with us. What do I do with my lifetime supply of those huge coupons?
•    September – Labor Day. End of summer unless you have a place at the shore. Now that the bennies have gone, you get a few weeks of peace and quiet. Schools open, buses are back on the roads. Days are noticeably shorter. And you can’t believe summer went by so fast again this year.
 

Tina's June 2023 Movies & More

With 16 movies and programs on the June list, there should be something for everyone to enjoy. Ratings are on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, with 5 at the top. Programs marked with an asterisk have not been seen previously and numbering picks up from last month.

68.  Ted Lasso, Season 3* (2023, Apple TV+) – This series was enough to make me keep my subscription to Apple TV+. Ted Lasso (Jason Sudekis) is a fish-out-of-water, an American football coach hired to head an English football (we call it soccer in the US) team, despite knowing little about the sport. In what is likely its last season, Ted has made a big decision that affects the entire squad and his family. No spoilers here. The series seemed to go off course at times, but some of the characters really grew on me, like Hannah Waddingham as club owner Rebecca, a powerful woman with compassion, and irreverent and grumpy former star Roy Kent (Brett Goldstein, also a producer and writer). The wit and wisdom of Ted are life lessons. I did not like last year’s ending, which led to an inevitable reconciliation, and I still wonder what Roy and Jamie Tartt see in Keely (Juno Temple). But Ted is a character with character, whose quick wit and sincere advice has maximum impact. The series may or may not return for another season, but I have enjoyed the ride. 4 cans.
69.  The Last Thing He Told Me* (2023, Apple TV+) – The premise here is terrific. A wife is handed a note that says “Protect her” just before her husband vanishes in the wake of a big corporate scandal. Was he in on it? Where did he go? What is the wife and stepmother to the daughter he wants protected supposed to do now? Three words of advice: READ THE BOOK! It makes much more sense and is far more gripping than this overwrought series. Jennifer Garner has one expression – furrowed brow, pursed lips – as she tries to figure out what to do while also having to deal with the snarky teenager she is supposed to protect. The story went off the rails for me and I limped through the final, unsatisfying episode. 3 cans.’
70.  About My Father* (2023, at the movies) – Comedian Sebastian Maniscalco expands his stand-up act in this light comedy about a young man (Sebastian) about to ask his girlfriend (Lesley Bibb) to marry him. But before his father Salvo (Robert DeNiro) will give him his late mother’s ring, Salvo insists on meeting her family. You’ve seen this movie before and it had DeNiro in that one, too (the “Meet the Fockers” franchise). Naturally, the potential in-laws are ritzy upper-crust types and Sebastian’s hairdresser father does not fit in. He makes his son uncomfortable and ashamed, but the old guy loves his son, he’s just set in his ways. There are some funny moments (Salvo’s Italian dinner) and some cheap humor (Sebastian losing his bathing suit in front of the in-laws), but overall, the movie does nothing to distinguish itself as a comedy. Instead, watch one of Maniscalco’s comedy specials. You’ll get a lot more laughs and intel about his father without the cliches and unfunny scenes. 3 cans.
71.  Shooting Stars* (2023, Peacock TV) – Even superstars like LeBron James have to start somewhere. This dramatization of his life shows Bron teaming up with other 10-year-olds to play basketball. The kids grow up together, playing ball and video games staying out of trouble, forging lifelong friendships and winning titles. Even today, the “Fab Four” remain good friends, with each having succeeded in life. And you may know that LeBron turned out to be a pretty good player himself. 3 cans.
72.  Private Benjamin (1980, HBO) – This Goldie Hawn comedy is so funny, so endearing, that I have watched it numerous times. Here she plays spoiled Judy Benjamin, whose parents adore her but whom no one respects. When her husband drops dead on their wedding night in the throes of passion, Judy impulsively joins the Army. Her recruiter shows her pictures of an idyllic place with yachts and condos, a far cry from the Army base in Mississippi where she is forced to scrub the latrine with her toothbrush. Predictable misadventures ensue. My favorite scenes are Judy and her squad marching in circles in the pouring rain as she laments not being able to wear sandals and go out to lunch and the joy of the squad when they unexpectedly succeed and launch an impromptu dance party to the Sister Sledge song, “We Are Family” in the barracks. This is light entertainment for sure, but it still packs an inspiring message about what women who are determined can accomplish. 4 cans.
73.  Still* (2023, Apple TV+) – Before he became known as the face of Parkinson’s Disease, Michael J. Fox was enjoying fortune and fame as Alex P. Keaton on TV’s “Family Ties,” followed by “Back to the Future” and other movies. Fox became as hot as can be, with his picture all over the magazine stands and appearances on all of the talk shows. Here he tells his own career and life story and it is engrossing. His unexpected diagnosis at age 29 was something he chose to deal with privately with just his wife, actress Tracy Pollen, and his kids – for 7 years. But when the tremors and other effects became harder to hide, he felt the need to explain his physical symptoms to the public. His foundation has raised $2 billion for research on Parkinson’s. Kudos to the editors for finding so many relevant clips from his work to tell this story that Fox narrates, and kudos to Fox for his candor in depicting his daily challenges. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see this documentary for fear it would be too depressing, but seeing Fox laughing and enjoying his family made it worthwhile. 3½ cans.
74.  Wanda Sykes: I’m an Entertainer* (2023, Netflix) – One of my favorite comedians, Sykes shines in her latest stand-up special. She tackles online church, the quarantine, sending her kids to school and more serious subjects. Line of the night: “Until a drag queen walks into a school and beats eight kids to death with a copy of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ I think you’re focusing on the wrong shit.” Hell, yeah. 3½ cans.
75.  The Son* (2022, Netflix) – If you are looking for a movie full of warmth and parent-child bonding, this isn’t the one. Hugh Jackman plays a divorced man whose teenaged son lives with his ex (Laura Dern) while he has a new wife and baby.  The son has stopped going to school and wants to live with his father. He doesn’t fit neatly anywhere and grows increasingly unhappy. Meanwhile, the father has a chance to land a major political client, but he is pulled in all directions, with work, wife, ex-wife, baby and son all vying for his attention. He may be highly capable at work, but real life is where he can’t seem to handle his problems. This movie is grim and, while probably close to reality, isn’t at all fun or rewarding to watch. 2 cans.
76.  The Angriest Man in Brooklyn* (2014) – The late, great Robin Williams plays Henry Altman, a man who is having a really bad day. He starts out angry and a car accident and the fallout from that only exacerbates his downward spiral. Still, there is biting humor as only Robin Williams can bring it. Co-star Mina Kunis shines in her role of a woman desperate to help this poor guy. I had never heard of this movie but it is worth watching. 3½ cans.
77.  Sebastian Maniscalco – Sebastian has become one of my favorite comedians. His stand-up act tackles subjects we can all relate to but he brings his Italian background, his father and the way he grew up to practically every situation in a way that delivers genuinely funny humor. His physicality when he imitates his father and others adds to the hilarity. I found his stand-up routines much funnier than his movie, “About My Father,” that covers much of the same territory but doesn’t translate well to the movie format.  3½ cans.
78.  The Luckiest Guy in the World* (2023, ESPN) – This fascinating look at the basketball career of Bill Walton is part of ESPN’s “30 for 30” documentary series. At nearly 7 feet, with a shock of bright red hair, later added to by a red beard, Bill Walton always stood out in the crowd. When he played for legendary coach John Wooden at UCLA, Walton and his teammates went undefeated and took home two National Championships. He also won two NBA titles. Now, at age 70, Walton looks back on his career, his triumphs, his defeats and the way serious injuries shortened his ability to play. He endured multiple stress fractures in his feet and had numerous surgeries. But when he was good, he was great. In this 4-parter, he recounts his battles with the preeminent player of his time, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and many of his teammates and opponents offer their input into his incredible abilities on the court. Off the court, Walton was and remains his own man, an independent thinker who considers himself mainstream. I don’t watch much pro basketball, since I prefer college hoops, but I remember Walton. The man who stuttered made himself into an articulate broadcaster when his playing career ended. Who knows what might have been? 4 basketballs.
79.  The Bear, Season 2* (2023, FX or Hulu) -- Carmy Berzatto and company are back in this 10-episode second season on Hulu as the chef and crew take the steps to rebuild the restaurant into The Bear, a fine dining establishment. This season is considerably less frenetic than last season (let’s not count “The Fishes” episode with his mother, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, preparing the feast of the 7 fishes), but still with plenty of action. Some of the episodes highlight the supporting cast, as Sydney (Ayo Edibiri) tours Chicago in search of new recipe ideas and pastry chef Marcus (Lionel Boyce) goes to Copenhagen to learn special dessert techniques. Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) has a love interest this year in old friend Claire but has no time for a romance with trying to get construction permits and pass fire suppression tests. The food looks delicious, the acting is first rate and overall, his season was well-done. 4 cans.
80.  The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Season 5* (2023, Prime Video) – This is the final season of this comedy series about a housewife turned stand-up comedian that features an outstanding performance by Rachel Brosnahan as Midge Maisel. Midge is fighting her for her big break, getting a job as the only female writer on the “Gordon Ford Show” (think “The Tonight Show”) where she really wants a spot to perform and a turn on the couch. She is still managed by the abrasive Susie Myerson (Alex Borstein), still living with her parents (played by Tony Shalhoub and Marin Hinkle) and still the ex-wife of Joel (Michael Zegen). To be honest, I stopped watching this series last year when I found the parents and side stories annoying and laborious, but since this is the last go-round, I wanted to check it out. There is still plenty of comedy, with the stand-up bits shining and genuinely funny, but the characters are still annoying. I loved it at first but gradually fell off Mrs. Maisel’s wagon. Amy Sherman Palladino, who created and wrote much of the show, can cram more dialog into a few minutes than anyone this side of Aaron Sorkin and some of the writing is real genius. By the end, Mrs. Maisel is on her way to real stardom and it is time to end the show for that and other reasons. However, great production values, perfect period costumes and performances that absolutely sparkle make it worthwhile. Mrs. Maisel was much less marvelous as time went on. This season gets 3½ cans.
81.  Dream On* (2021, ESPN) – Another top-notch documentary from ESPN’s “30 for 30” series, this 3-parter recounts the story of the 1996 USA Women’s Basketball team and how they prepared for the Olympics. The 1992 Olympic team and the 1994 World Cup team failed to capture the gold medal, so the people in charge of the sport decided to emulate the countries whose national teams were picked and played for a year prior to the Olympics. They then had to secure a coach who was willing to give up his/her regular job to guide the team as they trained and barnstormed the US and overseas to create a cohesive, winning unit. They found one in Stanford Coach Tara Vanderveer. Their success generated enough interest and enthusiasm for Women’s Basketball that it led to the formation of the WNBA, now in its 27th season. It was fun to see players like Lisa Leslie, Sheryl Swoopes, Dawn Staley and now RU assistant coach Nikki McCray on the court and commenting on their experiences. As a women’s basketball junkie, I enjoyed every minute. Not only did the US go undefeated and win the goal medal in 1996, but subsequent teams have continued that championship record, with Team USA winning seven consecutive gold medals! 4 basketballs.
82.  Doc Hollywood (1991, HBO) – This oldie but goodie was one I wanted to watch again after having seen Michael J. Fox in his Apple TV+ documentary “Still” earlier this month. Here Fox is young Dr. Benjamin Stone, who is on his way to a lucrative job as a plastic surgeon in – you guessed it – Hollywood when he has an accident and needs to get his car repaired in the sleepy town of Grady, South Carolina, when the local repairmen need to order parts. The town happens to need a doctor and Dr. Stone is voluntold to take over from irascible Dr. Hogue (Barnard Hughes) in the local clinic. Stone is way too good for this gig, or so he thinks, but he is stuck there. Once he meets ambulance driver, Vialula (Julie Warner), things brighten up considerably. But he still has to contend with the tough nurse, a would-be starlet (Bridget Fonda) who wants to go to Hollywood, local insurance salesman Hank (Woody Harrelson) and a cast of eccentrics. Adorable movie, and the last made by the popular Fox before his devastating diagnosis with Parkinson’s Disease. When we think of Michael J. Fox now, it is often in his role as a crusader for Parkinson’s research, but let’s not forget what a good actor he is.  4 cans.
83.  Rock Hudson: All that Heaven Allowed* (2023, HBO) – Rock Hudson was the perfect movie star, a tall, dark, handsome hunk with a great physique and a big secret – he was gay back in the days when being openly gay would ruin a Hollywood career. Hudson managed to keep his secret from the public for the most part while surrounding himself with handsome young men who were perfectly willing to spend time with him. Rock even managed to have a short-lived marriage of convenience with a woman who worked for his manager. But insiders and some of his co-stars (like Doris Day and Elizabeth Taylor) knew the real story and loved and protected him. His secret might never have been revealed had he not contracted AIDS in the 1980s, at a time when there was no real treatment and the gay community was losing so many talented artists. After finally admitting his diagnosis, Hudson wanted to help raise awareness of the disease. Nearly 40 years after his death, he remains arguably the most famous person to die of AIDS. There is nothing really new or revelatory here, but it struck me how sad it is that we are still fighting stereotypes in this country, even after passage of laws designed to give gay people full rights to marry and be themselves. 3 cans.

June Jollies

A friend stayed over and woke up late, explaining that she overslept. Funny, because I underslept and was up by 5 am.

I recently had to return something I bought online NOT from Amazon. The instructions said to return my item to Staples to a “Returnista” at the "Happy Returns" desk. Is that like a barista at Starbucks? I can just hear a child telling his mother, “Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a Returnista.”  At least I didn’t have to go the place of all hyperbole – the “Genius” bar at Apple.

I hate paying for shipping, which is one of the reasons I buy most of my online stuff through Amazon, where shipping is free for Prime members. The sellers should just bake the shipping costs into the price of the item. When you get a salad with your meal in a restaurant, you know that’s not free, right? It is baked into the price of your entree. That’s how all shipping should be. In my opinion, of course!

When one waxes poetic or nostalgic, does one use a paste or liquid wax? Can you quote “The Karate Kid” with “Wax on, wax off?”

I am a terrible (over) packer. If I come to your house to stay for a day or two, don’t panic. I know it looks like I am moving in, but that’s just my indecisiveness about what to bring with me. I like options. As long as I am traveling by car, my motto is “Bring it!”

At my age you have to go through the inventory of what you need to have on you at all times: Wallet, keys, phone – and the Tide Stain Stick (or is that just me?).

It strikes me as ironic that my hair is getting thinner and my body…well, it’s not getting thinner. 

It used to be so much fun to go to see Broadway shows. Now, between the cost of the tickets, the hassle of getting into the city – car? train? parking? – the show has to be really special for me to go. I miss those days when my friends and I routinely went into the city, felt safe, loved the shows and enjoyed a pleasant drink and some laughs. Once we were having so much fun drinking margaritas out of boot-shaped glasses at some bar on Broadway that a woman came up to us and asked if she could join us. Somewhere in my files is a picture of me and the girls – and some stranger who had a special treat. Of course, no one is more entertained by us than us! I miss those days!

I’m trying to figure out why the supermarket cannot give me a bag – plastic or paper – for the many items I buy there, but if I buy a top from Kohl’s, I get a nice paper bag with handles (that I use for my paper recycling). Explanations welcomed!

Sign on the door of the pizza place – "Due to vacation reasons, we will be closed from July 1-9." If it is a vacation, you need no other reason.

The biggest lies:
    That outfit makes you look thin.    
    The check is in the mail.
    The repairman/delivery will be there between 12 and 2.
    Don’t worry about that acne (said to a teenager). You will outgrow it.

I was in the dentist’s office recently and after having read the diplomas on the wall to pass the time, I was stuck looking at the X-rays of my teeth. If there weren’t so many of them, I would have sworn they were pictures of my toes with nail polish – the nail polish part being the fillings. Very strange.

I used to be able to get into the car and just take off. It seemed like the car knew where to go. Now I have to start the trip by thinking about the route to get there, the construction underway that will hold me up or add time to my trip, the alternate route to avoid the traffic. It is amazing I wind up in the right place at the right time anymore!

I can’t think of anything more boring than sitting at the nail salon waiting for my manicure to dry. I waited more than 20 minutes last time and still managed to ruin a nail on my way home. In the salon where I used to go, the owner offered a clear, fast-drying coat that she charged $1 more to use. So little of the polish is needed for one coat that she must have made hundreds of dollars off that little bottle. If you get a gel manicure, your nails look terrific and last for a very long time, PLUS, you don’t have to sit and wait for them to dry. But every time I get a gel manicure, my nails split and break once the polish comes off. I know, first world problems.

There was a very advanced construction project going on outside my front door – the building of a bird’s nest. My own projects should go that quickly; this bird was as busy as a bee, starting the construction sometime on Sunday afternoon and finishing on Monday. I went out the front door and noticed a bunch of branches and debris and looked up to find it. Some of my neighbors urged me to keep it, stating that it would only be there for 8 weeks or so. Eight weeks? I can’t go out the front door without seeing a mess for 8 weeks? I’m not interested in having an aviary on my front porch. A few had more practical advice about putting things in the spot where the nest was built to ward off future construction. I’ll go with that approach. PS – The nest was removed before it became a nursery so all’s well. 

If you want to make someone’s day, tell them that their hair looks nice. Yesterday I told an older woman with very short white hair that I loved her hair (I did!) and she was thrilled.
Overheard at the doctor’s office: Receptionist –
“What body part is it?”
“Left or right?’
“I’m sorry, only one body part per visit.”

I hope it wasn’t the patient’s eyes!

My sister had to stay home for the PSEG meter reader who needed access to the house this one time and it reminded me how we used to have to read our own meters and place those little cards with the wheels in the front window or on the door where they could be seen. I was always afraid I would forget (maybe once I did). Glad those days are over!

I finally stopped wearing a mask to ShopRite in May, but one day the store was very busy so I put one on again. I think the only people wearing masks by then were me and a few folks who looked like they were from the cast of “Cocoon.”

One of the main qualifications to be an exercise instructor is the ability to count backwards from 8. And the phrase you most want to hear them say is, “Last one.”

Pet Peeve – Filling out medical forms by hand when the space allotted for each question is so tiny you can barely read the question, no less write the answer. And please don’t give me ONE LINE to list all of my current medications! I need to submit a separate page for that info. 

I went out to dinner with a group of 10 Douglass friends in town to celebrate their 50th Reunion. This begs the question: How many college graduates does it take to figure out the bill for 11 people? I think it took 10, because I just handed over the money and added nothing to the process.

The world lost a true legend with the passing of the iconic Tina Turner. A woman of formidable talent and energy, she was as fierce as they come, reinventing herself just to stay in the game. Current superstars like Beyonce and Lizzo paid tribute to her, declaring that they would not have built careers without following Tina’s lead. I saw Tina in concert several times and can attest to her ability to transfix the crowd. She was a force of nature who was justifiably known as “The Queen of Rock & Roll.” I admired her so much that I taped her picture over mine on my work ID card. She could belt out a song with such force! When producer Phil Spector drafted her for the vocals on “River Deep, Mountain High,” he created a record that was unlike anything that had been recorded. And then there are her signature pieces, “Proud Mary,” with Tina’s explosive dancing and spinning around the stage, and the aptly named, “Simply the Best,” which is my new morning hype song. In her later years, Tina she made peace with the trauma she had endured and found a way not just to survive, but to thrive, spending her last years on an idyllic Swiss estate with a much younger husband whom she adored. I have listened to her music for decades. I read her book, watched the “Tina” documentary, saw the Broadway musical “Tina,” and absorbed the concert experience live. I feel a darkness where Tina’s light used to be. Rest well, Queen. Love had plenty to do with it.

May 2023 Movies & More

There are movies, shows, documentaries and more on my May list. Numbering picks up from previous months, and anything marked with an asterisk was new to me. Five cans is the top rating.

52.  Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret* (2023, Manville Cinema) – This adaptation of Judy Blume’s classic book about prepubescence covers all of the awkward territory for young girls, from boys to bodies to breasts. Poor Margaret (Abby Ryder Forston) is an 11-year-old who moves to the suburbs with her family, leaving behind her beloved grandmother (Kathy Bates) and her friends. She has to make new friends, fit into a new school and deal with issues ranging from kissing boys to finding her faith and asking for God’s guidance. Rachel McAdams as her mother has adjusting to do, too, as she tries to fit into the unfamiliar world of PTA projects and her daughter’s near-teenage angst. Since everyone in the theater where I saw it was around the same age as me, we could remember the challenges facing Margaret and you could hear the audience chortling and sighing at many of the moments. This is an endearing look back at times we thought were tough then and now we see as the age of innocence. 3½ cans.
53. The Pharmacist* (2020, Netflix) – When Dan Schneider’s 23-year-old son is murdered in an area near New Orleans that is known as a place where people go to buy drugs, the police express little hope of finding the killer. But that won’t stop Dan, whose unrelenting determination keeps him literally up at night as he resolves to find out who killed his son. This 4-part docuseries shows a man obsessed with tracking down the killer and seeing him punished – but even then he’s not finished. As a pharmacist, Dan notes an increase in healthy-looking young people stopping at the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions of the pain-killer OxyContin. Why do they need it? How are they getting it? Why is one particular doctor issuing so many prescriptions? And how is the manufacturer, Purdue Pharma, increasing the dosage and convincing so many doctors to prescribe it? The opioid crisis is at Dan’s door, and he is determined to stop people from overdosing or getting caught up in addiction and death. This is an engrossing story with Dan as an everyman hero with a tape recorder who is unafraid to use it. If you appreciated the Michael Keaton series “Dopesick,” you should watch this story, too. 4 cans.
54.  Somewhere In Queens* (2023, Montgomery Cinema) – Somewhere in this movie are partially likable characters, but the loud, tension-filled Italian family dinners seem to bring out the worst in Leo (Ray Romano, who co-wrote and directed) and his wife (a miscast Laurie Metcalf with an unbelievable New Yawk accent). Their entire lives revolve around their son “Sticks,” a pretty good basketball player whom Leo is pushing toward a college athletic scholarship. Poor Sticks barely communicates, so we don’t know if he is inspired by his father’s enthusiasm or just tired of being pushed. His one bright light is Dani, a cute new girlfriend he clearly adores. Leo actually doesn’t have much to say either; on a visit for Sticks to try out at Drexel, he remarks about the abundance of trees – as if there are none in Queens – and that the gym holds 2000 people. He is involved in the minutiae of his son’s life and can’t – or won’t – let go. I found Romano a sadsack in the part, with his father character pushing, pushing and then denying that he pushed at all. There’s a story here, but the annoying characters are enough to make you not find joy in it. 2½ cans.
55.  Queer Eye, Season 7* (2023, Netflix) – The boys are back in town – New Orleans this time around – bringing their special skills and compassion to assist locals overcome their fears and hang-ups in search of their best lives. Whether it is Bobby redoing the “décor” of a fraternity house or adorable Jonathan convincing someone to cut their hair and shave their beard, or Tan providing a wardrobe that fits the size and personality of the lucky recipient or Karamo working to get to the bottom of relationship issues or culinary expert Antoni showing people how to prepare simple but delicious food, each of the Fab Five brings their expertise to make the life better of each person they help. My only regret is that I watched the entire season over the weekend and now I have to wait a LONG time to see Season 8! 4 cans.
56.  The Guttenberg Bible* (2023, George Street Playhouse, New Brunswick) – Let’s start with the George Street Playhouse itself. A part of the New Brunswick Performing Arts Center, GSP consists of two beautiful, comfortable, state-of-the-art theaters for plays, concerts and one-person shows. There is simply not a bad seat in the house, and the offerings each season are wide enough to please most any taste. This show was written and performed by actor Steve Guttenberg, tracing his desire to be in show business as a 17-year old in Massapequa, Long Island, and going to Hollywood. Getting a role in a commercial for KFC launched him into a career filled with casting people, directors, performers, writers and others who cross his path as he progressed into bigger and better roles. Guttenberg never leaves the stage in this show, and I had to admire his ability to know and deliver so much dialog. He is accompanied by a 90-member cast – all played by two men and one sole woman, cleverly staged and costumed to make you think there were that many people on stage. Guttenberg comes across as a very affable, down-to-earth guy who appreciates and never forgets his family and his roots. I would characterize him as a real mensch – and that’s a high compliment, indeed. 3½ cans and get yourself to a GSP production.
57.  It Ain’t Over* (2023, Manville Cinema) – This loving tribute to her grandfather Yogi Berra by Lauren Berra may not go down in history as the best sports movie ever made (see :Brian’s Song” or “Rudy” or “Hoosiers”) or even the best baseball movie ever made (see “The Natural,” “Field of Dreams,” “Bull Durham” or “Bang the Drum Slowly”), but it is near the top of my list. Because of Yogi’s looks, funny comments and humble demeanor, it is sometimes hard to remember that he was one of the most accomplished baseball players of all time, with 11 World Series rings, multiple MVP Awards and records to prove it. He is the last and only player to catch a perfect game in the World Series (Don Larsen in 1956!), and his return to Yankee Stadium after a 14-year estrangement from owner George Steinbrenner after the Boss unceremoniously fired him in 1964 took place on the very day that David Cone pitched a perfect game – while Larsen was on hand, watching with Yogi. Tell me there are no ghosts in Yankee Stadium! This charming look at the wit and wisdom of Yogi shows his many baseball friends and admirers explaining what he did for them and for baseball. Very few things make me cry, but Old Timers Day in Yankee Stadium gets me every time. This movie was like 100 Old Timers Days. The audience at the 12:15 half-price Tuesday screening stood up and applauded when it was over. If you love the game and are a Yankee fan, you cannot miss this movie. 5 baseballs.
58.  Selling Sunset, Season 6* (2023, Netflix) – This month the boys of “Queer Eye” were back in town with their positive attitude and mission to improve the lives of everyone they touch. This week the bitches of real estate were back in town, determined to bring the drama even with OG bitch Christine no longer in the cast. These glamourous real estate agents work for the Oppenheim Group in LA and sell giant, attractive, overpriced property to anyone who can afford to spend $25 million. Every house has “amazing” features and breathtaking views. And the ladies themselves look all sparkly and tarted up with their sky-high shoes and cut-up-to-there outfits. One episode in and I was asking out loud, “Who wears clothes like that to work?” This is not exactly PBS fare, but it is my guilty pleasure. A few new women joined the cast, but no point in attempting a summary of the plot line; you either indulge yourself in these fantasy reality shows or you don’t. And I did, binging the entire season in 2 days, which means I have to wait for a long time to see the next season. 4 cans.
59.  Angel City* (2023, HB0) – I don’t even watch soccer – unless you count “Ted Lasso” – so I’m not sure why I decided to watch this 3-part documentary about the creation of a new women’s team in Los Angeles, the Angel City Football Club. The people who decided to initiate this venture did so on the premise that there would be enough money to invest in proper facilities, good players and coaches and build a loyal fanbase to sell out their shared stadium. Among the celebrities investing in the franchise, actress Natalie Portman is the driving force, but the investors include Jennifer Garner, Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union, and former US Soccer National Team members with recognizable names, like Abby Wambach and Mia Hamm. The series shows how tough it is to start a new sports team, find the right staff and win games. (They actually do a great job of attracting fans.) The most important thing they needed to get started was a big-time investor, and Reddit creator Alexis Ohanian, husband of tennis legend Serena Williams, stepped up. There is plenty of soccer footage here, as the new team tries to win on the pitch as well as at the bank. With only three episodes covering the first Angel City season, this show is likely to continue next year. And I’ll be watching. 3½ cans.
60.  Donna Summer: Love to Love You* (2023, HBO) – Donna Summer was a force of nature in the 1970s as the Queen of Disco. But as this documentary reveals, she wasn’t like the sexually suggestive woman she portrayed in her music. And she was often torn between her desire for success and just wanting to be herself and stay home with her children. She was a talented songwriter who knew how to collaborate successfully with the right people. But even if she had never released another song after “Love to Love You,” Donna Summer would still be remembered for that relentless disco beat and the suggestive moaning on that track. 3½ disco balls.
61. Working: What Do We Do All Day?* (2023, Netflix) – Former President Barack Obama narrates and stars in this 4-part documentary about our economy, the workers who try so hard to make ends meet, the jobs that people with little opportunity to advance hold and the aspirations of people with better education and brighter futures. From housekeepers at New York’s Pierre Hotel to home care aides in Mississippi to people working on driverless cars, this series tackles the disparities in our economy and highlights the people who perform jobs at every level. Every now and then, Obama himself shows up at the workplace to deliver lunch or schmooze with the staff, and his concern and respect for these people is very evident. This is a realistic look at the American workforce and highlights individuals just trying to find their way. 4 cans.
62. Cola Wars* (2018, Story Channel on cable) – If you like soft drinks, you are most likely a fan of either Pepsi or Coke, and you might recall that the two beverage giants went toe to toe to try to win you over in the 1970s and 80s. Remember the “Pepsi Challenge” taste tests and the Michael Jackson commercial for Pepsi in the 1980s when Michael’s hair caught on fire? Coke maintained market leadership but, according to results of the taste tests, Pepsi’s cola was gaining on its rival. And then came “New Coke” in 1985, one ill-advised move by Coke to alter its highly protected “secret” formula to introduce a new flavor that more closely resembled Pepsi. Considered the biggest blunder in marketing history, the New Coke replaced old reliable Coke, leading the Pepsi President to declare that the two companies went eye to eye and the other guy blinked. Coke realized its error and only several months later reintroduced Coke as “Coke Classic,” eventually withdrawing New Coke from the market. Anyway, if you like stories about advertising and marketing, this one is for you. There are so many campaigns and characters here and things you will remember if you were around nearly 40 years ago. 3½ cans of some soft drink.
63.  Camelot* (2023, Live on Broadway) – This revival of the classic Lerner & Lowe musical sounds instantly familiar to those of us of certain age. My friends and I played the soundtrack from the movie (along with its contemporary “West Side Story”) incessantly, so the old tunes came back right away. But if you are looking for something really vibrant that explodes off the stage, or something with beautiful production values, Camelot isn’t the one. The performances are fine, but the story dragged and the opening act was so long that my knees were begging to be stretched by intermission. The second act seemed to go on forever, with “If Ever I Would Leave You,” in the beginning of the act, the clear highlight of the show. I think my expectations may have been too high. Liked, it, didn’t love it. 3 cans.
64.  Tina (2020, HBO) – When I first saw this documentary about the now-late Tina Turner, I remember thinking that it seemed not only a way to trace her extraordinary life, but also to provide her farewell. The movie is unsparing in its details of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband and the way she finally walked away, without a dollar in her pocket. When they divorced, she wanted and took nothing but her name, which she worked hard to restore. When producer Phil Spector drafted her for the vocals on “River Deep, Mountain High,” he created a record that explodes. And then there are her signature pieces, “Proud Mary,” with Tina’s manic dancing and spinning around the stage, and the aptly named, “Simply the Best.” In the 1980s, no one was a bigger star, packing theaters, concert halls and arenas. In her later years, I think she made peace with the trauma she had endured and found a way not just to survive, but to thrive, spending her last years on an idyllic Swiss estate with a much younger husband whom she adored. I’ve read her book, watched the “Tina” documentary, saw the Broadway musical “Tina,” and experienced the concert experience live. I feel a darkness where Tina’s light used to be. Rest well, Queen. Love had plenty to do with it. 5 cans.
65. Being Mary Tyler Moore* (2023, HBO) – As America’s Sweetheart, Mary Richards, on her self-named show, Mary Tyler Moore came into our hearts and living rooms every Saturday night. This loving tribute depicts her ability to bring much of her character into the parts she played. Yet, Mary was complicated and private. She won Emmys and accolades as Laura Petrie on “The Dick Van Dyke Show,” and her own show, but she also had the gravitas necessary to play an emotionally detached mother in “Ordinary People,” for which she received an Oscar nomination. This film shows Mary, warts and all, and humanizes her as not just someone who could turn the world on with her smile. I spent so much of my 20s with Mary and Rhoda, I felt like we were girlfriends, but Mary never confided in me what is in this program. Well worth seeing. 4 cans.
66.  Missing* (2023, Netflix) – This suspenseful thriller is presented with much of the content shown as text messages, emails and social media posts, so you cannot fall asleep and follow the plot. Here’s a summary: 18-year-old June is happy to see her mother Grace leave for a vacation in Colombia with new boyfriend Kevin since she can party while they’re gone. She dutifully shows up at LAX to pick them up, but they don’t land. That begins her search, first contacting their hotel, then the authorities about her missing Mom. But June also plays amateur sleuth, searching old messages, dating sites, and other clever ways of unlocking information. I think I’ll call her the next time I forget my password, because she’s really good at coming up with them. The pace stays snappy throughout the film, as you feel a sense of impending danger for the missing mom and for June. And not a word more. Some of this is a bit far-fetched, but I have watched enough episodes of “Dateline” to know that we all leave a trail everywhere we go. 3½ cans.
67.  American Gladiators* (2023, ESPN) – This two-part documentary, part of ESPN’s excellent series “30 for 30,” takes a deep dive into the 1980s action-competition show that aired weekend mornings. Hugely muscled “gladiators” with names like Nitro, Blaze and Ice competed against “regular” folks in a series of odd athletic competitions, using padded jousting sticks to pummel each other or a gun that shot balls to catch a competitor. There was plenty of sex, drugs and steroids going on with the stars as the gladiators had to look huge in their spandex outfits and had little time to spend with family and friends. So that’s the first part of the series. The second part spends most of its time trying to conjure up the co-creator of the series, Dann Carr. The guy who brought this concept to TV – where it aired to large and enthusiastic audiences for 7 years, was Johnny Ferraro, a one-time Elvis impersonator. But it was Carr’s concept as a series of games. Ferraro sold it to TV, and little has been seen or heard of Carr since. I actually liked the original series, but this documentary is a bit too much – oversized, like the gladiators themselves. 2½ cans.

May Meanderings

I keep passing a building that houses a company called Coherent. I’m dying to go inside so I can call everyone and let them know that I’m in Coherent.

The sky is blue and the clouds are big and white and puffy and I wonder which one of them stores my personally identifiable information and my pictures.

I toasted a pumpernickel bagel the other day but how was I supposed to tell when it was done? It’s already brown!

This Jeopardy Masters Tournament is GREAT! The best players are back in action, searching for answers and trying to outbuzz each other to answer (in the form of a question, of course)!  This blog will be published before the tournament ends, but with these smarties, there can’t be any real losers.

And speaking of Jeopardy Masters, I must add that on the first night there was a category on FONTS, and I ran it! If anyone knows about Bodoni (my go-to headline typeface when I was editor of my high school newspaper), it’s me. I see no humor in Comic Sans, but I recognized it immediately. And I think Times New Roman is widely known. As for me, when they changed the font on the highway signs and on some of the street signs in town, I noticed immediately – and didn’t completely appreciate that the letters went from all uppercase to initial caps. Yes, I am a font nerd and I can’t read a magazine without noticing this kind of stuff that is irrelevant to most people!

What do you do when you cough and the person you are with says, “God bless you” because they think it was a sneeze? Do you say thank you as you would do for a sneeze blessing or turn it down, explaining that you coughed and did not sneeze? Why does a sneeze merit a blessing but a cough does not? Or do you just say thank you, figuring you need any blessing you can get? Such a conundrum!

Ever since my idol Tina Turner wore a denim jacket over that leather dress in the video for “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” I feel that wearing a denim jacket with anything is appropriate. She made it look very cool and classy.

Now that I belong to a fancy-schmancy new health club (thanks to my J&J insurance through United Healthcare), I can’t help but notice how people who used any excuse to get out of gym class in high school now pay big bucks to work out and do more than we ever were required to do back then (although no one is forcing us today to use the horse and the buck). Somewhere, Miss Bauman and Miss Williamson are laughing at us, right, my SHS classmates? And people are in this place at every hour of the day. Doesn’t anyone go to work anymore?

Recently I had a gel shot to relieve the pain from arthritis in my left knee (right knee, you’re next). I read through the information on the shot and one of the side effects is joint pain. Isn’t that why I got the shot in the first place?

The old kids’ song “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes” should be revised for my generation to “Back, Shoulders, Knees and Hips.” Something always hurts from one or more of those body parts.

I’m at the age when I occasionally say to myself, “What’s THAT pain?” You know, you get up from the chair and your ankle feels broken – for the moment. Or suddenly you have a pain in your side. You can’t attribute these random pains – which generally disappear very quickly – to anything you did; but they just show up to keep you on your toes. And then your toes hurt.

I was at the nail salon getting all spiffed up for an event and it occurred to me that if anyone needed DNA samples from me to investigate a crime, there is a wealth of nail clippings available right here. Yes, I watch way too many episodes of “Dateline.” PS – I wasn’t even out of the parking lot after my nails dried when I messed up 3 of them. Don’t look too closely, OK?

My theme song is U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For,” even though the title ends with a preposition. And the title applies to the practical, not the philosophical, part of my life.

I can’t snap my fingers on my left hand. I feel that deficiency has held me back from a career in music. 

I have watched the Food Network since its inception, when they featured shows like “How to Boil Water.” We have moved past the rudimentary kitchen skills and now the network increasingly features competition shows with high end cooking challenges, baking challenges, “Tournament of Champions,” everyone who wants to “Beat Bobby Flay,” etc. Except for weekend morning blocks with “The Pioneer Woman” and “Valerie’s Kitchen” (which is in its last season), I’m seeing the same group of chefs competing against and judging each other on “Guy’s Grocery Games” and other competition shows. Most of us aren’t cooking with exotic ingredients and don’t need to try to turn popcorn into a main course. Enough with the competition shows. Let’s go boil some water again!

Speaking of the Food Network, just once I’d like to see the host/cook take a bite and recoil from the taste. I suppose they do and those segments don’t make it on air.

I hate changing the sheets. I used to make the bed so tightly, with every hospital corner neatly tucked in, that I could hardly get into the bed at night. I’m a lot less rigid now and going to be is definitely easier. I’ve watched videos of the housekeeping staff at a hotel showing how they make the bed with a top sheet and another sheet on top of the blanket and multiple pillows and God knows how many more sheets, and they still make the bed faster and better than I do with the standard configuration. I guess there’s no future for me in housekeeping. 

I’m trying to understand how my search for a specific brand of women’s summer tops on Amazon yielded everything from pajamas to pool lights to a nebulizer for children. Amazon, you need to check that algorithm!

If the mail in my SPAM folder is to be believed, I have won a Keurig Coffee maker, a Dyson Vacuum, a Craftsman generator and the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes in the last week. I'm getting an iPad, a gift card from Delta Airlines and a 170-piece Stanley tool set. I think SPAM stands for Stupid People Access Mail, because I just let these messages sit in SPAM until they disappear (I only saw them because I was looking for a legit message that wasn't in the SPAM folder; I clicked on NOTHING). I'm just glad the SPAM filter works. 

As I write this, today is Mother’s Day, always a time to smile and shed a tear for the late, great Sylvia Gordon. When she died in 1989, she left behind a legacy of love and laughter. We would laugh so much over I Love Lucy reruns that my father would ask how we could possibly convulse over something we had seen so many times. Instead of laughing, sometimes my mother would simply say, “I’m hysterical,” which cracked me up more. My mother graduated high school at 16 and got a job as a bookkeeper – during the Depression! Her math skills were unparalleled. She could find a 17-cent error in my check register from across the room – a trait that must have skipped a generation. She would be appalled to know I haven’t even tried to balance my checkbook in YEARS! There were times we clashed, and when I complained, her retort would be, “Maybe your next mother will be better.” I would counter with, “When is she getting here?” (Mom taught me to get the last word!) She also taught me the importance of being treated with RESPECT. She did not tolerate taking crap from anyone. She was always proud of me, never set any limits on me and never fawned over me for things I accomplished. I could tell she was kvelling when I made National Honor Society or won the Spanish Award. She taught me foreign languages, speaking to my father in Yiddish when they didn’t want me or my sister to know what they were saying. I knew how to say, ‘Go shit in the ocean” and “crazy dog” (meshugana hunt) in Yiddish long before I earned a Spanish Award. My mother was a 4-foot, 11” powerhouse who demanded and earned respect from everyone in her world. No one could ever replace her, and even after all this time, I still have her in my ear, giving me advice or making me smile. So, Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. My sister and I were lucky enough to have the best mother ever.