February Funnies

“They” say you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. I say, “Why are you trying to catch more flies?”

My tube of toothpaste and my tube of lidocaine for my balky knee are the same size and shape. I figure it is just a matter of time before I make a mistake and end up with a minty fresh knee and a mouth that is numb.

I made a vow NOT to watch the news for the next four years because it upsets me too much. If some really big news hits, I will not see it unless it is carried on ESPN, HGTV or Netflix. I'm counting on the rest of you to let me know if the world ends.

I had to have major service done on my 12-year old Mercedes recently so the dealer was kind enough to arrange for a loaner car. I hate to drive cars that I don’t own. My car is so old that it still has a key, so I made sure to ask how to turn this one on and off. I just about fell into the car upon entry since the seat was so low! I was able to raise it up so I could get in a little more gracefully, but I can’t say the same for the heated seats, which were cooking my tush by the time I got home. Or the heated steering wheel, which I never did figure out. The day I picked up the car was icy and rainy, so I had to figure out which tiny icon was supposed to show the wipers. I managed to turn on the radio, but the media screen was larger than my iPad, and I never did figure out how to change the radio station, adjust the volume or turn the whole thing off. I guess the thinking is that we humans can interpret tiny symbols – which could be located on the large screen, near the window controls or anywhere else – but I was stumped. I remember picking up my car from the dealer back in the fall of 2013. He took great pleasure in showing me how to adjust the color of the interior lights, which he bragged could turn up in white, blue and many other colors. I told him to set the lights at white and not to worry about teaching me how to change them because they would never be changed – and they never have been since the day I left the showroom. Why is life so complicated?

Speaking of which, why do we have to have multiple names for the meds we take? You’re at the doctor’s office and the PA asks you what you are taking. I show up with a typed list, but even with that, I’m asked: Do you take such and such for your blood pressure? That name isn’t familiar to me. Do I take something different or is it just a different name? CVS texts me to say that drug XYZ is ready for pick-up, but that name is not the name of the drug I have been told to take. Is this drug different or it this just “the name game?”

And while I am on this rant, these portals have just gotten out of hand. I don’t want to have to go to the portal, remember my sign-on and password, only to find that the new message waiting for me simply thanks me for showing up at the appointment I just had. There’s no new information. And I don’t want to download an app for one medication that was just added to my list, either.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!

If I am not inept, does that mean I am ept? English is a funny language.

I don’t understand how people can walk around with sweaters draped casually over their shoulders. I can barely keep stuff on that requires two sleeves. And speaking of sleeves, if it is cold enough for you to wear a vest to keep your torso warm, isn’t it cold enough to wear a full sweater? Your arms are going to be cold without sleeves!

I have developed full-fledged FOBU as I hit my mid-70s. I have a Fear of Backing Up. I check once, twice, three times to make sure there are no ladies behind me before I make a move. And forget the back-up camera – that’s just an accessory to my head-on-a-swivel to make sure I’m driving safely. The opposite of FOBU is JOPT – the Joy of Pulling Through. I’ll cruise the parking lot looking for a space where I can pull though and enjoy not having to deal with FOBU!

I’m tired of being hacked or cloned on Facebook. Does anybody really want to be me? I have changed my PW twice already this year and I kind of liked the first one! Maybe I should just give up all social media and read more books.

When it comes to math, I feel confident that I can handle the most rudimentary level with no problem. I’m especially good at figuring out the tip in a restaurant. I had to deal with “new math” in sixth grade and at least I understood the principles, even though I knew then that it wouldn’t last. But I think I’d need a PhD to figure out the pricing at Applebee’s. There’s three of these for X amount, and two of these other dishes for Y amount, and no substitutions…Just give me the regular menu and I don’t care if it costs more. I just want to eat, not to do math!

When you reach a certain age, your body has messages for you that require interpretation. I have analyzed these messages and have come to the conclusion that they say one or more of three things: Nothing works; everything hurts; and don’t even bother to try it!

I am going nowhere and seeing no one today, so naturally my hair looks great! I think my hair has a mind of its own.

My collection of perfume is so old that everything now smells the same, except for my mother’s bottle of Estee Lauder Youth Dew, which retained its distinctive scent. My mother died in 1989, and the bottle probably goes back a few years prior to that. But I will never get rid of it because every once in a while, I need that olfactory reminder of the presence of Mom, and that would have to include the scent of that perfume.

Any time there is snow in the forecast, I can predict a flurry of activity by the “Google Group,” the email group that residents of my “active adult community” use to exchange information – and complaints. There are 1200 houses here, and not everyone can be first on the snow removal list. Or even when there isn’t much snow, the neighbors like to grouse that THEIR driveway hasn’t been cleared yet. Chill out, folks; the poor workers who do the plowing and shoveling till all hours of the night will eventually get to you! And at least you don’t have to do it. Gross generalization: Many of us have nowhere special we have to be. Unless you are still working, which is the case for some people, or if you have medical people delivering service to you or if you have an appointment with your doctor, you can either wait in your house and watch the pretty snow falling, or, if it is two inches deep, just drive over it to get to ShopRite. Not everyone has to go all Peter Finch and yell from the social media window, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

Legit question: How do parents of multiples tell them apart? If they are a boy and a girl, that would make it easy. But if you have four little boys, do you color code their toenails to distinguish between them? I have always wondered.

Why are sweet potato fries always an upcharge? Are sweet potatoes in short supply? You can get regular fries with your meal, but upgrade and it’s going to cost you!

Just how many red rubber stress balls does a 74-year old woman need? I found two in my drawer today. I guess I have a lot of stress!

Any location in the vicinity of Princeton, NJ, will bill itself as “Princeton.” Any venue in NYC within walking distance of Time Square will bill itself as Times Square. I guess these locations are considered more prestigious than where the towns are actually located.