Thoughts of Spring

I woke up this morning feeling itchy, achy, anxious and cranky.  I’m well on my way to creating a new set of 7 Dwarfs.

I didn’t have much food in the house the other day, so I just had a sandwich for lunch. OK, it was an ice cream sandwich, but it was a sandwich…

I must confess that I am a bit skeptical when I read detailed memoirs.  How can the authors recall the date, time and specifics from incidents that happened years ago (unless they took copious notes even as children)?  I can’t remember what I ate for lunch.  Oh, right, it was an ice cream sandwich.

In case you missed it, Heinz, the brand long associated with ketchup, now has introduced mustard.  My first thought was, “What took you so long?”  After all, Heinz has been selling ketchup forever; ketchup is used on hamburgers; hamburgers are often served with hotdogs; mustard goes on hotdogs.  Follow the logic?  I wonder whether Heinz will become the "gold" standard of mustard.  And Heinz also has launched the Heinz version of “Real Mayonnaise.”  Look out, Hellman’s!  Heinz is coming for you, too.

I never know whether I wake up at 4 am because I have to go to the bathroom or if I go to the bathroom at 4 am because I’m up.

I’m having a good hair day, but the only person who would know that besides me is the cashier at Costco.  She didn’t mention it.

I think the resemblance between chocolate chips (a very good thing) and raisins (dried up grapes) is unfair in things like cookies, muffins and scones.  I’m always disappointed when what I think is a chocolate chip cookie turns out to be oatmeal raisin.

We are already living in a self-centered world, and increasingly our world is becoming more about self-service. I just found out that the two branches of Chase Bank near me will no longer offer teller services.  You can use the ATM (which is the original self-service part of the bank), but you can’t cash a check, break a hundred-dollar bill or even grab a lollipop, I guess.  You can start a new account, but I’m not sure how to handle my existing one without any help on hand.  I already pay most of my bills online, which is about as self-sufficient as I care to be.  What happens when I need to cash a check?  I guess I will be forced to download yet another self-service app and take a picture of the check to deposit it electronically.  This move means that I have to do more, and the people employed by the bank will be cashing unemployment checks.  Just not at that branch.

Whatever happened to paper bags?  The push is on to ban all plastic bags in the grocery store, and I often bring my own bags to transport my haul home, but I need paper to hold my recycling of magazines, junk mail, etc.  When I find them available at the register, I notice that they are thin to the point of being flimsy, and they are barely tall enough to hold a box of Special K.  How am I supposed to recycle the paper stuff without a paper bag?

The word “extraordinary” SHOULD mean really ordinary, not better than ordinary.  That meaning should be UNORDINARY.

I am a victim of stalking - by a big, fat fly!  For three 3 days, this persistent pest followed me around the house like a house pet -- unless, of course, there is a battalion of flies waiting in each room to buzz past my ear while I swat at them futilely!  I got plenty of suggestions on how to handle this situation, from getting a cat (never going to happen) to spraying him with either starch (who keeps spray starch around anymore? I could maybe hurl a potato in his direction, but he was so fast and elusive…), hairspray or Windex (this from a friend of Greek origin, and if you know the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” you know the family patriarch used Windex to solve all of life’s problems).   Finally, tuckered out from all that buzzing around and presumably thinking that I had left the house, he settled on the kitchen table, where I was able to sneak up behind him and end it all with my trusty fly swatter.  I need a nap.

I am patting myself on the back for fixing the igniter on my Weber grill.  I couldn’t even find the paperwork for the grill to order a new one, but I found a video on YouTube that did the trick.  All it needed was a new battery.  Who knew that an igniter HAD a battery?  Throw the shrimp on the barbie!

It’s a good thing that no one can see or read the content in the bubble over my head when I am listening to someone drone on about something of no interest to me.

I saw a cartoon showing a CVS receipt getting stuck in multiple trees.  I could do a month’s worth of shopping in Costco and the receipt would be a fraction of the length of one from CVS.

I think we all go to the supermarket for just one or two things and walk out with two bags and at least $40 poorer.  And if you go to Costco, just hand them $100 as you walk in, because that’s what it will cost you when you try to leave the building.  Or more.  Once I went there to buy a rotisserie chicken and came out with a new set of cordless phones.  All told, it cost me about $100.  I still have and use the phones, and the chicken was delicious.

You know you’re getting old when you have more ice packs in your freezer than actual food.

I can’t believe I am still watching “Survivor!”  But it takes me until the last two episodes to finally learn the names of the contestants.

When you are in a book club, you read books you otherwise might not have read, some of which you love, and some of which you may dislike.  I was trying to force myself to read one recently that I really didn’t like and finally gave up.  I figured that champion home organizer Marie Kondo would say I should stop reading because the book did not bring me joy.

I can tell when my friends have been busy all day because suddenly there will be an influx of “LIKES” on my Facebook page.

After about eight years of wearing the same glasses, it is time for a new prescription and new frames.  But picking out new frames is daunting, especially if, like me, you wear glasses every day.  I wouldn’t want to wear contacts or have surgery and not need glasses, since they are so much a part of me and my identity.  I just don’t know yet what I want or how I look.  This is a high stakes venture.  Thank goodness I have a friend standing by to provide objective advice on which frames to choose.

Spring means it is time to plant flowers, but between physical ailments (back and shoulder) and general laziness, I could not do this chore on my own.  One of my avid gardener friends says digging in the dirt brings her joy.  I hate digging in the dirt, so instead, my landscape guy, Pedro, takes care of it for me.  Pedro brings me joy.

I have to admit that I am confused about those “shaper” undergarments that are supposed to consolidate all of the fat around your middle so you can fit better into your clothes.  Where does the fat go?  It is still on your body but constricted in a way that probably inhibits the functionality of your working organs.  But you look good, right, and what’s better than that?

As a few of my old high school friends and I strolled through our hometown, Somerville, recently, we looked at the storefronts and tried to recall what businesses used to be in those spaces.  The old record store, a kid’s clothing store, a shoe store and the former Candy Kitchen are all long gone, as is the drug store where we stopped before going to the movies at the Cort Theater -- which is also gone.  In their places are new kinds of businesses, including a place that provides eyelash and brow services, a barre studio, several ice cream places, bars and lots of restaurants with outdoor seating.  There are fitness places and nail and hair salons, a spa and a dollar store (the closest thing we had to that was Woolworth’s 5 and Dime, but everything was cheaper then).  The only place that had the right feel was an antique store, because it carried lots of the items we had in our own homes, like a meat grinder, an eggbeater (no food processors for us!), kids’ games and old telephones.  Who knew that all of our junk would one day be popular and valuable?

Is there anything more annoying than when your socks slip down into your shoe?  Will than happen with my new “No-Show” socks?  There is much less to slip!