Springing Into April

MYTH:  No matter how many days I leave a wrinkled garment hanging in the bathroom while I shower, the wrinkles remain.  The same thing is true of my face.

Why is it that the people who forget to turn off their phones or silence them at a meeting or in the movies take FOREVER to get them out of their pockets or handbags so the rest of us have to sit there and be distracted while they search?  So annoying.  Don’t be that person.

You know you are getting old when you get an email from AARP (start with that) with an offer for a free FLIP PHONE and service for only $20 a month.  Of course, you can only make calls to 2006, but it’s only $20 a month!

I can’t say that I am NOT a fan of “Game of Thrones” because I have never watched it.  Not a single minute of it.  Fantasy and violence are not my thing.  If I wanted fantasy, I’d go back and watch “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” because the idea that one pair of jeans can fit all four friends in that movie is enough fantasy for me.  And there’s no violence, unless the girls get into a fight about somebody stretching out those pants!

Is it even possible NOT to sing along to Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe?”  Unless you are too young to remember it, that is.

I have one of those houseplants that people say “anyone” can keep alive.  Clearly, I am not just “anyone,” because mine is now on life support.  I pulled off the dead leaves and then accidentally broke off the only part remaining alive.  I stuck it in water in hopes of generating new roots so I can replant it.  It’s kind of like torture for the plant, but I swear it is not intentional.

Just out of curiosity, what kitchen tools or gadgets do you use most often?  For me, it is a pair of tongs and a butter spreader (also used for jam, etc.).  I guess you can tell I consume too many carbs if I am using a spreader so often.

My light blue mouthwash is stored dangerously close to my light blue nail polish remover.  Note to self: Reorganize items under the bathroom sink.

You know things are bad when your exercise program consists mainly of bending down to reposition the throw rug.

The last time I changed the sheets, I put the clean ones on so tightly that I thought I might have to call the fire department to come over with the jaws of life to get me out of bed!

If I ever write a book, I will use a pseudonym as an author.  Look for a book by Paige Turner.

I love reading books on my Kindle.  It is easy on my eyes and so convenient to slip into my handbag or carry-on.  But without the actual book in my hands, I often can’t remember the title and author!  I know my book club friends say the same thing.  So, if you ask us what we are reading, don’t be surprised if we hesitate before we can come up with the name of the book!

In a couple of weeks, I have to make remarks at a dinner event.  I have three minutes.  My BFF told her daughter I would actually need three hours.  I hope I can find a happy medium.

For the first time in my life, the smoke detector started chirping during the afternoon and NOT in the middle of the night.  It took a lot of staring at the six detectors in this house to figure out which one was the culprit and then an equal amount of time to figure out how to replace the battery.  When you are just over five feet tall, chores like this are a major challenge.  But up the big ladder I went, finally figuring out how to access and change the batteries in each one.  Thank goodness for a taller friend in the neighborhood who was able to reach the highest one, in the bedroom, which would have kept me up all night.

As I was looking for the instructions on how to change the battery on the aforementioned smoke alarms (which for some reason I no longer have), I was shocked to see the plethora of pamphlets for every kind of appliance and device I have ever bought.  OK, the large ones, for things like the furnace and refrigerator, are in a nice, neat binder that came with the house, but among the instructions in plastic bags or manila folders are those for things like the can opener, the blender and the 25-year-old toaster oven, which I have used about a zillion times.  Some are for things I don’t even own anymore, and others are for things that if I can’t figure out how to work, I should not be allowed to use them in the first place.

I have become really good at avoiding eye contact with people I don’t want to talk to.  It’s a small challenge, but I am up to it.

Whenever I am the 4th or 5th car in the left turn lane and the light turns green, the cars ahead of me fail to react in a timely fashion, which means I end up getting the light AGAIN and have to wait.  The probability of this happening increases when it is a really LONG light, one of those lights where I feel like I could read War & Peace until it turns green again.  People – pay attention!

I am 68 years old and I still double-knot my shoelaces.  If the laces are long enough, I will triple-knot them.

I swear, if it weren’t for junk mail, I’d get no mail at all – except for bills that don’t get paid directly from my bank account.  I am now the proud owner of one of those stamp things that you roll over your address, so I can obliterate it on every promo mailing I receive from dentists and landscapers, every invitation to attend seminars on retirement, every lawyer who wants to plan my estate, every catalog for kids books and puzzles (and how I got on that list, I’ll never know) and every offer for hearing tests and health screenings (wait, I may need those…) before I toss them into recycling.

Let’s talk about all of the fundraising being done on social media sites.  I commend all of you who are running, marching, collecting or whatever to raise money for your favorite causes.  I actually feel pangs of great Jewish guilt when I don’t give.  But after donating for bike rides and dance marathons and cancer research initiatives and feeding poor people and polar plunges or supporting sick children, I’m feeling a little tapped out.  And if you never or rarely contact me or LIKE my Facebook posts, don’t expect me to suddenly come up with a donation.  Please know I support your effort, but I’m not taking out the credit card for each and every ask.  But keep up the good work and feel free to give when I ask for YOUR help.

Do you ever blow your nose and your ears pop and you didn’t even know they were clogged in the first place?

When I watch programs on my DVR, Comcast marks the location of the commercials.  This feature enables the viewer to hit the FAST FORWARD button, and the show will resume at the end of the commercial block (thank you, Comcast/Xfinity).  If this feature is available from your cable company, check it out.  In watching a 3-hour edition of American Idol recently, I counted 14 commercial blocks, so imagine wasting that much time.  I prefer to watch programs on the DVR rather than live just so I can skip the ads.

I managed to use the words “ethereal” and “befuddled” today.  My work here is done.