Random Thoughts, October 2014 Edition

Here’s my theory and I know it is true:  Whatever you have to do takes up the time in which you have to do it.  So I can accomplish either 10 things on a very busy day or two things on a relatively free day. There are 24 hours in each day, and we manage to fill them up (and then some) every day, don’t we?  By the way, I have this same theory about kitchen cabinets:  No matter how many cabinets you have in your kitchen, you will find something to fill them up.

What are we supposed to do with all those miscellaneous vases that accumulate from flower deliveries?  Some are nice, most are cheap, and, not that I get flowers that often, they pile up.  My local florist was happy to take them off my hands and even gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for bringing them in.  I said I would take the flowers — as long as they weren’t in a vase.

I think nothing of spending money on big things, but I will nurse an emery board along until there is nothing left with which to file my nails. 

If Beyoncé went into the home furnishings business, she could sell her collection at Bed, Bath and Beyoncé.

I saw this on Facebook so it isn’t an original thought, but it is certainly true:  I will carry 18 bags of groceries into the house at one time or die trying rather than make 2 trips.  Throw in a handbag and a camera just to make the load that much more impossible to bear and you have me in a nutshell.

Thank you, Dr. Oz, for your obvious concern about my health.  Every single day you send me a message about “a new fat buster that burns belly fat without dieting.”  I’m starting to think this whole Dr. Oz thing might not be legit.  Thoughts?

With all of the HGTV home sales and improvement shows I watch, I now think I have seen every home in the US and Canada.  And I should have a certification in carpentry and design just by osmosis.

I will be moving next year, which should give me ample time to get rid of my collections of things like those perfume strips that come in magazines, countless candles that I don’t burn (along with candleholders) and a collection of canvas bags that never seems to diminish despite my having donated a bunch to a good cause a few years back.  How some of this stuff made it through my last move (in 2007), I cannot fathom.  But this time I am ditching the receipts for the monthly mortgage payments from my first house — in 1983!  I don’t think I need them anymore.  Right?

Parking is getting more difficult these days.  At Weis’ markets, there are spaces blocked for people picking up their on-line orders.  At Kohl’s, there are spaces reserved for “Employee of the Month.”  At Buy, Buy Baby, spaces are allotted for people with infants and pregnant women.  It takes me longer the read the signs indicating the parking restrictions than it does to shop in the store.  The good thing is that having to park further away assures that I get some walking in.

My hair is becoming gray, and it is especially noticeable since I haven’t had it highlighted in a while.  It is growing on me, so to speak.  I wonder what it will look like when I am completely gray, because, at least right now, I’m not planning to color it.  So does that mean I have to get a new driver’s license and change my hair color listing from brown to gray? 

How can you tell whether a pumpernickel bagel is toasted?  Don’t wait for the punchline; I really don’t know the answer.

I think there is something drastically wrong with my car.  It cannot be parked straight.  Maybe it is a parallelogram instead of a rectangle, because it couldn’t be the driver (me), could it?

Where do we get the expression “a month of Sundays?”  I mean, every month has 4 Sundays, right?  So does the expression mean every day in the month is a Sunday?  I know it means a long time, but where did we get this expression?

Let the Ray Rice incident serve as a cautionary tale to show that you can go from hero to zero with one incredibly offensive and harmful act, changing your life and those around you forever.  Smarten up, people.  Domestic violence — or any violence — is just not acceptable.  Deplorable.

I cannot bring myself to toss out paper clips.  When I recycle paper, I always remove the clips and save them to reuse. 

For someone who doesn’t sew, I have a collection of buttons that could go into the Guinness Book of World Records.  I must have the extra buttons from every article of clothing I have ever bought.  I’m afraid to throw them out, because what if I need one? Of course, there’s always the cleaners, where they sew buttons on for me because I either can’t see the needle to thread it or I will stab myself in the finger.  Don’t laugh.  It has happened more than once.

Is it just me or does the name Ariana Grande sound less like a singer and more like a beverage from Starbucks?

I can’t be the only one who sees the irony of having the all-you-can-eat buffet Flaming Grill located next to Retro Fitness.

I wish these social media sites would stop asking me if I know So and So.  Maybe I do, maybe I don’t, but do I need one MORE way of connecting with people?  There aren’t enough hours in the day!

There are few things I hate to do more or at which I am worse than scheduling, the bane of my existence.  Ask me for a particular date and I can check my calendar for a quick yes or no.  But ask me to gather 6 women for dinner or lunch and I'm overwhelmed with everyone's vacation schedules, commitments (legit ones, I know) and other plans.  I need a spreadsheet -- or an administrative assistant.

I truly believe that there is no one who knows the real words to "Louie, Louie," or who can figure out why that damn cake is melting in the rain in "MacArthur Park."  It amazes me that the latter song was recorded not just by actor Richard Harris but also released by the Disco Diva herself, Donna Summer.  You think maybe they got it and I didn't?

Speaking of music, like U2, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.  But I also can't remember what it was.

I see that Rutgers just created an endowed chair in communications that is named for Gloria Steinem.  That got me to thinking that if they ever named an endowed chair for me, it would have to be a recliner.

When did Halloween get to be such a big deal?  When I was a kid, we slapped on some concocted outfit and a mask, grabbed a bag (and were forced to wear a coat OVER our costumes if Mom thought it was too cold out) and headed out to collect out loot.  Now it seems that Halloween is big business.  Temporary stores pop up for the month leading up to the big day, lawns are festooned with inflatable characters sporting “Boo” signs, and at least one house I pass on my walk has a skeleton riding a bike on the front lawn.  I hate Halloween.  I don’t want to buy candy and keep in it my house, I don’t want the doorbell interrupting whatever I happen to be doing, and I basically just don’t want to be home.  So I am going out to dinner with like-minded, snarky friends, all of whom lack the true spirit of the holiday.  Get it?

I rarely get calls on my cellphone, so when I get a random call from an unknown source, it is probably going to be someone dying to give me a free cruise, a vacation home or a hard time.  I just registered my cell phone on the national Do Not Call hotline, which is a quick and easy thing to do.  When sales people call my phone, I ask them if they are aware of the Do Not Call registry and I tell them that it is illegal for them to call me since I am registered and I will report them.  The conversation usually comes to a quick halt.  These calls are SO annoying!

Is it just me or are those Matthew McConaghey Lincoln commercials just a tad creepy?

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, “If it were up to me…”  Then I realize that, in most situations, it IS up to me.