Droning On

Welcome to New Jersey, Drone Capitol of the World. Jerseyans cannot figure out why drones are being spotted everywhere these days. Government spying? Extraterrestrials? Keeping an eye on the Trump property? I have gotten a barrage of emails and texts and I have seen social media posts from people who like to take pictures and report these drone sightings to the rest of us. Everyone seems to have a theory. What’s it all about, Alfie?

My sister and I have decided that there are various levels of what we can best call “casual wear.” There are the sweatpants you would never wear outside of the house and there are the better sweats that we have now defined as “dress sweats,” which are acceptable attire for doctor visits and errands, but not for dining or general public viewing. I like the dress sweats idea!

Just so you know, if I find that the toilet paper in your bathroom goes UNDER instead of OVER, I will change it. Maybe not if I went to Buckingham Palace, but otherwise, this will happen anywhere else.

I am no longer capable of sitting down or getting up from a chair without groaning.

No one I know can sleep anymore. Sure, we try to go to bed early, but for me, the earlier I go to sleep, the earlier my FIRST wake-up session will be. I always have to get up to use the bathroom at least once. I know it is not just me, because all of my friends seem to be online and texting by 7 AM at the latest. When I was a teenager and a young adult, if I woke up by 11 AM on a weekend, that was early. And no trips to the bathroom were needed!

When I was working, there was one woman in the office who kept a stash of what we called “the Magic Crackers.” They were made in the shape of butterflies and sold by Pepperidge Farm, and we would ask good old Pat for a few when we had some stomach issues. They worked every time. Bland, but soothing. Just what we needed on a bad tummy day.

Practically no one I know wants to drive at night anymore – or can drive at night. My night driving got much better after my cataract surgery, but I’m only comfortable going to places that are so familiar to me that the car could get there on its own.

I keep the ringer on my cellphone OFF most of the time, so chances are that if you call, I might not pick up. My phone is often in my hand, so I might just see that you called – but I might not pick up anyway! 

How can I break a nail in the shower? I don’t understand. I didn’t shampoo THAT vigorously!

If you use the term “back in the day,” you are officially old.

One of my superpowers is the ability to correctly guess numbers. I do this mostly with the time of day – or night. I can wake up and know the approximate correct time. This skill does me no good in a casino or with lottery tickets, so it is mostly useless. Sometimes I’m so lazy that I won’t even roll over to check the clock to see if I guessed right about the time. I’ll just ask Alexa what time it is. She must be pretty bored with me by now. 

I hear from Kohl's much more often than I do my closest friends. Every day there is a new email offering me Kohl's Cash or telling me I can save 10, 20, 30 or 40%, and that the sale ends that day. And I forget to delete the message so my mailbox is overflowing with Kohl's crap.

I have seen so many clips, promos and appearances by the stars of “Wicked” that I am turned off about seeing the actual movie. I saw the show on Broadway and thought it was way overdone. Let’s say it wasn’t “popular” with me. Truthfully, I loved the original Wizard of Oz movie and as a kid I really looked forward to its one airing on TV every year. My mother used The Wizard of Oz to threaten us – if you don’t do such-and-such, you cannot watch the movie! The expansion of the story and the addition of so many bells and whistles that blow away the original are just too much for me. 

I’m spending too much time looking for things to watch on Prime, Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV+, Max, Peacock, Paramount+ and whatever else I am wasting money on than I spend on actually watching things. It is time to reevaluate my subscriptions and get this stuff under control!

I have no incentive to go to the movies anymore since most of the movies I want to see will be streaming weeks after their debuts. My rule is to wait for them and NOT pay the rental fee, which could be $19.99. If I really want to see a movie at home, I’m willing to rent it for $5.99, but I generally use great restraint and wait for it to be FREE. Free is always better, and I don’t feel so bad watching a movie I end up not liking when I don’t have to pay for it.

A word of advice: Don’t go to the ER on Thanksgiving. There is a skeleton staff on duty and no turkey. Just saying. And don’t go on Yom Kippur, as I did years ago with a kidney stone. There was hardly a doctor in the house!

When I was growing up and we could not open a bottle, my mother used the nutcracker. I knew it was called a nutcracker, but since we never had nuts to be cracked in our house, it wasn’t until I was in college and went to someone’s house where a big basket of nuts was on the table that I finally realized that a nutcracker was intended to be used to crack nuts. I also thought that the pliers were used only to change the channels on the TV when the knob fell off. Years later, when I saw someone using a pair of pliers as a tool, I finally realized that their use was not intended solely for the TV. Live and learn.

How do you put a pillow into a pillowcase? My mother taught me to turn the case inside out, but that doesn’t seem to help. It takes me more time to wrestle the pillow into the case than it does to wash and dry the cases! Where’s Mom when I need her? I’m 74 years old. You would think I would have mastered this skill by now!

This is my last blog entry (except for my year-end movie list) of the year. Over the past 15 years I have published more than 400 times. Sometimes I feel like I am running out of material, and then something like drones over NJ comes along and reawakens my appreciation of the absurd or odd stuff that fuels my writing. I can’t say this will go on indefinitely, but I hope you find my writing entertaining enough to continue to read it. If your attention is beginning to wane, let me know and I will take you off this mailing list (for those of you who receive this material via email; the rest of you can simply ignore the link I put on Facebook). I hope the new year brings me more inspiration to continue to publish and put a smile on your face. Happy holidays and happy new year to all.

November 2024 Movies & More

Here is a short list of movies and programs I watched in November. Ratings are based on a score of 1-5 cans of tuna fish, with 5 being the highest. Programs with an asterisk are ones I had not seen previously, and numbering picks up from last month.

138. Martha* (2024, Netflix) – One name should be enough to identify domestic doyenne, former model, former stockbroker, former inmate Martha Stewart. Martha pioneered the art of entertaining, gardening, decorating, classy crafting and making the rest of us feel woefully inadequate, all the while building an empire that led her to becoming the first self-made woman billionaire. This documentary by R. J. Cutler tells the whole story, with Martha’s rise for a suburban upbringing in Nutley, NJ, to becoming a media mogul with her magazine, TV show and Martha Stewart Omnimedia. She certainly did it her way, and she doesn’t pull any punches in this film. Her reputation as being a five-letter-word (mogul?) is probably legit. She achieved unimaginable success – until it vanished. You may not want to have coffee with her, but her story captured my attention. 3½ cans.
139. Simone Biles: Rising* (2024, Netflix) – I’m starting the month with intense looks at two very strong women – Martha Stewart and the GOAT of gymnastics, Simone Biles. Simone may be small in stature, but she soars in gymnastics, winning seven Olympic Gold Medals over the Rio, Tokyo and Paris games. She has 11 Olympic medals in total. Her feats of flight are miraculous to watch, yet she stays grounded thanks to her family and her own determination. This 4-part documentary focuses on the Paris Olympics (likely her last) and how she got to this point in her career. She had to drop out of the Tokyo competition in 2021 with a case of what the sport refers to as “the twisties,” when a gymnast loses mental control over their movements. Her story is a good one and a promo for taking care of mind and body. This series is a little too long, but I found it addicting enough to watch the whole thing in one day. Let’s not give a score for this one. Let’s just give it a Gold Medal.
140. Sweet Bobby* (2024, Netflix) – This is the kind of movie that could not have existed a decade ago. Kirat is a lovely woman who meets a sweet man, Bobby, and begins a relationship with him online. When he goes through some serious and strange life circumstances, she is there to support him. When he cannot see him in person, she is endlessly understanding. But after more than a decade “together,” suddenly things don’t add up. This documentary peels back the layers of this complicated and frustrating relationship that once again proves that truth is stranger than fiction. 3½ cans.
141. Anatomy of Lies* (2024, Peacock) – This 3-part documentary is the fascinating story of a successful writer for the Grey’s Anatomy TV series whose life wasn’t quite what it seemed. I cannot provide more details without giving the story away, so, if you believe that truth is stranger than fiction, check this one out. 4 cans.
142. An Inside Man* (2024, Netflix) – Ted Danson gives a subtle performance as Charles, a man who applies for a job with a private investigator. His task is to move to a senior citizens complex and work undercover to find out who is responsible for the theft of a valuable piece of jewelry. He is a grieving widower, a former engineering professor, and his innate curiosity and powers of observation are perfectly suited to the assignment. He goes there to do a job but becomes immersed in the lives of his new friends and neighbors. He is so charming in this part, and the show will be back for a new season! 4 cans.
143. Cold Case: Who Killed Jon Benet Ramsey? (2024, Netflix) –  This 3-part documentary series focuses on a case that was almost impossible to ignore when the pretty 6-year old was found murdered in her own home in 1996. Did the police mishandle the evidence? Did they jump to the conclusion that the family was involved?  How big a role did the incessant media coverage play in demanding the parents be charged? There are still plenty of questions surrounding this case, and, despite the title, you will not get the definitive answer. 4 cans.
144. Buy Now! The Shopping Conspiracy* (2024, Netflix) – I felt great guilt watching this documentary about how we tend to buy much more than we need (I can’t fit even one more Rutgers T-shirt into my drawer) and what happens once we discard the stuff we didn’t need in the first place. Clever marketers constantly encourage us as consumers to buy more and more, and the result is a world overwhelmed by what eventually is garbage. The whole system is out of control and the impact on the planet is already significant. Not exactly a cheery holiday film. 3 cans.
145. Before and After* (1996, Prime Video) – I don’t know how I missed or never even heard of this Meryl Streep-Liam Neeson movie from the last century. It certainly wasn’t one of Meryl’s showy parts – no accent needed. She is a doctor, married to Ben, an artist, when their family is upended by the tragic death of a young woman in their small town. Suddenly, the focus of the investigation is on their teenaged son, who, it turns out, was dating the murder victim. There is evidence to be found, but what is the truth and who will save the day? Good performances, especially on the part of the anguished father (Neeson). 3 cans.