Not a Midsummer Night’s Dream

Has anyone ever actually died laughing? It sounds to me like a good way to go.

I fell asleep watching a documentary called “Race to the Moon.” I wonder how it ended.

If you can give me the song lyrics that follow this phrase, I know that you are old: “And my number is Beachwood 4….”

In my aqua class the instructor played the very upbeat song, “Jump, Jive and Wail,” which I kept hearing as “Drunk, Drive and Jail.”

You have to hand it to Barbie. At 64 years old, she’s still a doll and still making news (and still making time with my man Ryan Gosling as Ken in the new movie)! Aside from her many homes, some of which are quite dreamy, she also has cool cars. She is a doctor, an astronaut and a cowgirl among many other identities. I never had a Barbie growing up, though I’m sure we had a cheaper knock-off doll. Instead, I played with my paper dolls, including my set of the Lennon Sisters and Dinah Shore-George Montgomery paper dolls. That goes WAY back! By the way, the movie is terrific!

The other day I was sick enough to break my long-standing policy of “No soup in the summer, no ice cream in the winter.” First I bought some egg drop soup and then I decided to make lemon chicken orzo soup. Just how do we define homemade? I bought a package of chopped onions and carrots, picked up some shredded rotisserie chicken and combined that with two boxes of store-bought chicken stock, the juice of two fresh lemons that I personally squeezed and used the rind and added a cup of orzo. Hey, it was made in MY house, so I consider it homemade! Close enough.

Word to the wise: Whatever corn silks you don’t remove from the husk or ear before you eat it you will have to remove from your teeth later!

Hallmark has announced its first Christmas-themed cruise, from Miami to the Bahamas. Do they make you stay in your cabin the whole time watching their treacly Hallmark Christmas movies? The whole idea sounds like “Hell on the High Seas” to me.

Here in mid-August, ShopRite has started selling mums, Halloween candy is popping up in the supermarket (only to be eaten well before Halloween) and I hear that Costco had a Christmas tree on display. I’m sure I could find a winter coat in Macy’s if I tried.

I love those daytime naps that are so deep that I wake up not knowing what day or time it is. Why can’t I sleep like that at night in bed?

I started watching an HGTV show called “The Ugliest House in America,” and they aren’t wrong. The owners of these atrocities didn’t make them hideous themselves; they bought them this way and are ready to renovate. Consider having a bathroom that opens into the garage, bathtubs surrounded by carpeting, a bathroom that overlooks the pool below. Who could possibly think these things were either attractive or practical? That’s one show I watch while shaking my head the entire time.

The third time was the charm as I FINALLY got my Real ID last month in Flemington. This time there was no mix-up on the date (as in South Plainfield) and no gas leak that closed the building (Edison). The waiting room was air conditioned and had plenty of seats as I waited for my number to be called. The sneak preview of my picture looks like something you could hang on the wall of the post office under the WANTED posters. But that task is off list! Yay! This week I had a dream that I was traveling within the US and forgot my passport. No problem – That’s what Real ID is for!

Don’t you hate it when you take two steps and your “No Slip Socks” immediately slip inside your shoe and gather under your arch? 

Some people still pay to BUY checks so they can pay their bills? If you are going to write checks – and why? – just take the bank checks that come free with your account. Why pay money for checks that have pictures of cats or birds or even Elvis? Except for a check you send to your grandchildren, who do you think sees these checks when you pay your Comcast bill? I just saved you at least $5. You’re welcome!

I know we all tend to dwell on the weather, but this summer is especially strange. In the course of a single day we have had fog, sun, thunder, massive downpours, more sun, thunder and regular rain. Even poor Alexa can hardly keep up with the forecast!

In case the “authorities” need a DNA sample from me, I cleaned the hairbrush today so there is plenty to choose from there.

Imagine – there are generations of kids who have never known a movie chair NOT to recline. Or who never had to fight over the armrest with the person in the adjoining seat. Of course, they also don’t know the meaning of a long-distance call, a dial telephone or a manual typewriter. Remind me – why do we refer to this period as the “good old days?”

I get inflation and all, but to charge $4.25 for four small pieces of watermelon is ridiculous. I could buy a whole one for less. This week they are $3.99 at ShopRite. If only I could carry one!

Twitter has changed its branding from the ubiquitous blue bird to a large X. I’m all for elevating design, but Twitter has established more than a brand. People venture into the “Twitterverse.” They tweet their every thought and retweet everyone else’s. What we they do now with X as the name? X each other? Reside in the “Xeverse?” And what does Xfinity have to say about that large X, which is already their brand? If you ask me (and again, not one did), if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

And speaking of social media, I know the aim for many people (erstwhile “influencers,” I guess) is to get more and more followers, but I don’t think that way. I have an Instagram account where I restrict my followers only to people I know, most of whom I don’t even follow back. It seems like every day I get a new follower, mostly single men with military backgrounds who are the father of one child and believe in the Lord. I can’t even hit the “Block” button fast enough, then “Remove Follower.” Move along. Nothing to see here. 

The new “Oppenheimer” movie is the story of Robert Oppenheimer, often called “the father of the atomic bomb.” I’m disappointed that the filmmakers didn’t talk to me for source material. After all, I wrote a paper for my high school history class on this subject. I’m sure it would have added valuable information to the story. I know it is floating around here somewhere and is among the many things I should have purged by now. It no longer has any real use to me or anyone now that the movie has been made. PS – The filmmakers did a good job on the movie even without it!

July 2023 Movies & More

There is plenty of variety in this month's Movies & More. All programs are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, with 5 the highest. Asterisks mark movies I had not seen previously and numbering picks up from previous months. 

84. Muscles & Mayhem: An Unauthorized Story of American Gladiators* (2023, Netflix) – I’m pretty sure the TV show “American Gladiators” doesn’t deserve two documentaries tracing its rise and fall, yet here we are. I have watched them both. Unlike the ESPN series that I watched in May, this series focuses less on the creator and more on the “gladiators” themselves. Overly muscular men and women, some of whom enhanced their physiques with steroids, competed against “regular people” in made for TV events involving strength and brutality. And yet we watched each week to see Nitro knock someone off a pedestal or Ice joust with a padded stick. The show picked up once the producers created events that were exciting, and the gladiators gained fans. A huge national rock-star-like tour cemented their popularity. So why did it end after 7 seasons? The show took a toll on the combatants, physically and otherwise as they performed shows, sustained injuries and then piled on a bus to the next city to do it all again. Watch the series if you are actually interested. For me, it was a nice piece of Saturday nostalgia. Now, if someone wants to do a series on “Soul Train,” another Saturday morning staple, count me in. 3 cans.
85.  Shiny, Happy People* (2023, Prime Video) – I’ll admit up front that I watched a season or two of the original series about the Duggars, the Arkansas family with 17 kids (and now more). I was fascinated with the logistics of housing, feeding and clothing a family that large. I couldn’t help but wonder why they homeschooled their kids and why the older kids were responsible for much of the caretaking of the younger children and for taking care of the house. This 4-part documentary series fills in the blanks. The Duggars are Christian fundamentalists, following the teaching of the IBLP sect that requires women to be subservient and men to be obeyed at all times. I knew their kids couldn’t date – they could enter into a formal “courting” relationship that forbade kissing until marriage. But this show goes into depth about the IBLP manipulation of its devoted followers, with the ultimate intent to overpopulate and bring up children to go on to political positions so they can dominate the country. Seriously, I’m not kidding. The series covers the conviction of eldest son Josh Duggar on child pornography and discusses his “punishment” for molesting his sisters. There is nothing wholesome and good about this cult. Pictures of the conventions and training for older kids look like they are part of Hitler Youth. It is unsavory and frightening as a whole, to say nothing of what each homogenized child must have endured. Watch at your own risk. Once you start, you can’t look away. 1 can
86.  WHAM!* (2023, Netflix) – On a lighter note, we have this look at the British pop duo WHAM! that dominated the charts from 1982-86. Andrew Ridgely and George Michael were schoolmates who wanted to write songs. They did just that, producing such memorable hits as “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” and “Careless Whisper.” It became evident to them both that not only was George the better songwriter, he was also the better performer. The two toured everywhere and concluded when Michael decided to focus on his solo career, dreaming of being as successful as as Elton John. After 4 years together, WHAM split up, but the break was never acrimonious and the two remained friends as George Michael became a bona fide superstar. The chance to see the boys perform their classics while wearing short shorts was a pleasant trip down Memory Lane. 3½ Whams!
87.  Bull Durham (1988, HBO) – You can’t have a baseball season without at least one viewing of this classic movie. Kevin Costner plays Crash Davis, a career minor-league catcher whose highlight was a brief “cup of coffee” in the Major Leagues – or, as he calls it, “the show.”  Crash is signed by the Bulls mainly to tutor young pitching phenom Calvin Ebby “Nuke” Laloosh, a kid with plenty of potential who doesn’t understand or respect the game the way Crash does. His tutoring extends beyond the mound to Nuke’s budding relationship with baseball groupie Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon), who has reached home plate with many a ball player in her time. She finds Crash appealing, he finds her intriguing, but she has committed her summer of love to studly young Nuke.  This wonderful, funny movie captures minor league life, the platitudes of baseball, the camaraderie of the clubhouse, and the difference between a relationship with a boy and with a man. 4 cans and bonus points for the Edith Piaf songs.
88.  Coma (1978, Cable) – When a seemingly healthy young woman goes into surgery for a routine procedure and then lapses into a coma, her physician friend wants to know what happened, and it is something no one would have guessed. Dr. Susan (Genevieve Bujold) tackles her case more like a detective than a doctor, finding that her friend isn’t the only one who is in a comatose state. Soon she is climbing up into the hospital ventilation system, eluding security guards and narrowly escaping the creepy Jefferson Institute by climbing on top of an ambulance to get away – all while wearing a white skirt and lab coat that never seem to get dirty. I’m sure I liked this movie more the first time I saw it – nearly 50 years ago! But it has a young, handsome Michael Douglas as Susan’s doctor boyfriend, and I spotted Tom Sellick among the comatose patients (no lines, but the mustache stood out). Ironically, I fell asleep at one point in the movie and I felt like I lapsed into a little sleep coma of my own. 3 cans.
89.  Quarterback* (2023, Netflix) – This 8-part docuseries goes behind the scenes with three NFL quarterbacks – Marcus Mariota of the Atlanta Falcons, Kirk Cousins of the Vikings and the magnificent Patrick Mahomes of the Kansas City Chiefs. Playing the QB position takes a toll on the mind and body, as we see all three athletes training, strategizing and playing their hearts out on the field, then trying to be regular guys, husbands and fathers at home. Mahomes is the star of the show, an unstoppable force who refuses to let a serious ankle injury knock him out of a game. Perfect drama for this show, which ends with a Kansas City Super Bowl Championship. Only for those folks who like football and the behind-the-scenes stuff. 3 ½ cans.
90.  A Trip to Bountiful (1985, Cable) – An oldie but goodie, this gentle tale revolves around an older woman (beautifully played by Geraldine Page) and her desire to return to her treasured hometown of Bountiful, Texas, one time before she dies. She lives with her son (John Heard) and his harpy wife, and anything would suit her better than that, so she slips out of the house and finds a bus to get her close to Bountiful. Along the way she meets people with their own stories and shares her memories of small-town living. This movie has no explosions, no animation, not even a fist fight. It is just a meandering trip to restore the soul. 3½ cans.
91. Race to the Moon: Failure is Not an Option* (Cable TV, Story Network) – I have seen so many documentaries on this subject that I’m not even sure if this one is new to me. The film traces the beginning of the space program – dominated by the Soviets – through President John F. Kennedy’s challenge to land a man on the moon before the end of the 60s, through the first manned flights and culminating in the successful landing on the moon of astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin 50 years ago. The coda to the story is the coverage of doomed Apollo 13, which miraculously made it back safely from its unfinished flight after a catastrophic explosion nearly wiped out the spacecraft and crew. The ingenuity and determination of the flight control team is remarkable. I especially enjoyed the interviews with Gene Krantz, mission controller, and others at the Houston space center whose brilliance saved the day. Ron Howard’s “Apollo 13” still gives me chills, and so did this factual retelling of the entire space program. 4 cans.
92. The Noel Diary* (2022, Netflix) – I don’t normally watch Christmas movies, but I didn’t realize initially that this one qualifies. Jake Turner (Justin Hartley) is a successful novelist, a bachelor who is perfectly content by himself, just spending time with his dog. He learns about the death of his mother and returns to his childhood home to clean it out. When a young woman (Barrett Doss) comes to the door looking for information on her own mother, if you cannot figure out the story and the ending here, well, you just don’t see enough movies. Hartley was good and really the only reason I watched this at all. Don’t let my opinion sway yours. If you like Hallmark-type movies and love stories, you might like this one. 2½ cans.
93.  Barbie* (2023, Manville Cinema) – My initially low expectations for this feminist manifesto featuring the iconic Barbie doll herself were immediately surpassed in this colorful, rich pastiche of pink and girl power. This is a movie with a message, a female empowerment movie that overcomes the patriarchy that celebrates men and devalues women. All this from a living doll, you say? Barbie starts off as “stereotypical Barbie,” but she grows way beyond her colorful existence thanks to a smart script chockful of double entendres, cultural references and the wisdom of Gloria (America Ferrara), a Mattell employee in the movie. Her speech is so good that I am including it at the end of this review. Margot Robbie is perfection as the cheery but vacuous Barbie, a character so devoid of self-awareness that she can’t question her own existence. Ken, played by Ryan Gosling, defines his existence by virtue of being part of Barbie’s life, until he has a reawakening and tries to change the balance of men vs. women in his favor. Clearly, Gosling is in on the joke, as he relishes any chance to showcase his six-pack and his banality (he looked like one of the characters who faced Daniel in “The Karate Kid”).  I laughed out loud repeatedly and cheered as the men vs. women drama played out like an episode of a game show. Mattel, the creators of the Barbie doll, is portrayed as a bunch of power-hungry corporate executives, led by Will Farrell as the CEO. Credit to Robbie as a producer but the power here lies with director and cowriter Greta Gerwig, whose clever approach blasts through much more than dueling dolls. They even skewer the Barbie “family” with the inclusion of “Allan” and other characters who didn’t quite succeed. One thing I’ll say is that there never have to be movies showing male empowerment since it is inherent in our society. It is movies like this one and “Wonder Woman,” led by a female creative team, which remind you of the power in each of us. 4 pink cans.

Gloria’s speech: "It is literally impossible to be a woman," Gloria tells Barbie. "You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.

"You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining.

"You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

"I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us," Gloria concludes. "And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know."
94.  Oppenheimer* (2023, Manville Cinema) – I can summarize this movie in 4 words: Long, loud, confusing and cold (the theatre was really chilly that day). Director Christopher Nolan tackles the subject of the development of the atomic bomb and its “father” – J. Robert Oppenheimer – in a 3-hour epic. Oppy himself (Cillian Murphy) is a brilliant scientist put in charge of a special unit in Los Alamos established to develop the bomb. Nolan takes us down lots of tricky alleys – security clearances, potential spies – in presenting a complicated subject. I’m not revealing anything because you all know that the atomic bomb was used to annihilate Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan to hasten the end of World War II, but this movie portrays its protagonist as a man with a moral dilemma: Is it right to use such force to kill thousands of people under the theory that thousands more lives – Americans – will be saved if the war ends? Oppenheimer knows he is developing such a weapon, but how will he feel after it is deployed? When it comes to such a power of destruction, does anyone win? Was Oppenheimer a Communist, working for whatever the other side was at that time? This movie sets up those questions and more. Be prepared for lots of explosions (the seats rattled in my theater) and no bathroom breaks, which is a tough one to face with a 3-hour movie. But you don’t want to miss a minute! 4 cans.
95. Underrated* (2023, Apple TV+) – It is hard to imagine a 4-time NBA champion, perennial All-Star and Finals MVP described as “underrated,” but it is an apt description of Stephen Curry. With his skinny frame not yet topping six feet tall and his baby face, Curry was not heavily recruited out of high school and went to play for tiny Davidson College in his home state of North Carolina, where his father was an NBA legend. Remember those long shorts and loose-fitting uniforms BB players wore back in the day? Curry looked like a little boy wearing them. But don’t be fooled. The guy could shoot, and he had that special something-something. His college career put Davidson on the map, and when he entered the NBA, he still had plenty to prove. Years later, he continues to play that way. Underrated? OK. One of the best shooting guards EVER? For sure. 3½ cans.
96. Virgin River, Seasons 1-4* (Netflix) – I finally started watching this highly recommended romantic series and it sucked me in completely. Don’t get me wrong – it was still just a notch or two above a Hallmark movie – but the stories kept expanding and life kept getting complicated. The story centers around Nurse Practitioner Mel (Alexandra Breckenridge), who comes to lovely Virgin River to escape her former life and immediately meets Jack Sheridan (Martin Henderson), local bar owner and all-around good guy. Next, she meets her new boss, grumpy Doc Mullin (Tim Matheson) and his eccentric wife Hope (Annette O’Toole). Along the way we get a glimpse of the close-knit town, where they don’t need Twitter to spread the word. With 42 episodes of about 45 minutes each, I devoted about 31 hours of viewing time to see all four seasons in just a couple of days. When season 5 debuts in September, I’ll be back to see what happens. 4 cans.

July Grins & Giggles

Last week there was a blob on my rear window so big that I drove for miles thinking I was being followed.

For reference, if I say “today,” “yesterday,” “last week,” etc., I could be referring to any day or even no day because I made the whole thing up. My blog, my rules, you know?

No one I know sleeps well anymore. People can’t fall asleep or stay asleep or they have to get up and use the bathroom during the night. I never know if I wake up because I have to go or if I go because I woke up. Some people can’t get through the day (or a movie) without a nap. Others have to use C-Pap machines and wear masks to help them breathe. Sound familiar? The result of all this is that I now can get text messages before 7 AM because we are up and functioning early. My phone rule used to be to never to call anyone before 10 AM, but now, we are all awake and communicating.

I appreciate the fact that my friends know me well enough to send me a text in the middle of a baseball or basketball game because they know that I am watching what they are watching. Or they see a clip on Instagram and send it to me because they know we laughed over that scene 50 years ago. Or they go to a concert and send me a video of my favorite line in a song because they know that, too.

Alexa is big on alerting me to the poor air quality in the area. She reports that the alert will last until 12:45. So what happens at 12:46? All is clear? How about 12:40? Way too soon to breathe outside? She will also let me know that there is a “51% chance of rain,” which is as noncommittal a forecast as you can get. 

I had a smart thermostat installed so I can tell Alexa to adjust the heat or air conditioning from the comfort of my couch – or even remotely if I am away. I’ll specify that I want the thermostat set at 74 degrees, but Alexa prefers to deal in temperature ranges and not specifics. “The thermostat will maintain the temperature between 72 and 76 degrees,” she will advise me. You can’t just say 74, Alexa? 

My parents didn’t need Alexa. They simply had to say out loud, “turn up the thermostat,” or “turn off the hall light,” and my sister and I would have to get up and do that chore! 

I told my hairdresser to just cut the gray hair and leave the brown. Apparently, it doesn’t work that way.

I am all about hooks. I have hooks behind my closet door, bathroom doors, in the laundry room and everywhere else they come in handy. There should be a law that all ladies rooms have hooks on the door for our coats and purses. And please put one up in your guest bathroom. I need a place for my bathrobe and PJs.

How exciting is my life? For Amazon Prime Day, my big discount purchase was washing machine cleaner. What a deal!

There was a New Jersey category on Jeopardy one night recently and one of the clues was: “It was actually a trio of brothers who founded this New Brunswick-based health care company in 1886, but it goes by This & This.” None of the contestants even made a guess, no less knew the answer – What is Johnson & Johnson? My friends, former colleagues and I were appalled at their lack of knowledge!

Ladies – remember when you shaved your underarms and you couldn’t put on antiperspirant because it would sting? Remember when you had to shave your underarms in the first place? 

Anyone who can figure out their cable bill or insurance claims should automatically get a PhD in math.

A bear was reported on the loose in my town and authorities warned residents not to approach the animal. Really, do people think it’s Yogi Bear and they can just make friends with him? You don’t have to tell ME twice to stay away!

There's a character in the book I'm reading (“Rock, Paper Scissors”) named Henry Winter. Every time I see his name, I read it as Henry Winkler. The character and the actor could not be more different. I wish he were Henry Winkler!

Those pop-up ads for carry-on bags by Biaggi and the Foldie make make me laugh. They show people easily packing multiple pairs of shoes, pants, bathing suits, dresses, tops, etc., even adding a hat. Meanwhile, I have bags from both of them and I can barely put my pool stuff in the Foldie – and that’s without a towel! I couldn’t pack a week’s worth of clothing into a carry-on bag if someone threatened me at gunpoint to do it. These people must have clothes that could fit a Barbie doll. Real people’s clothes are MUCH bigger! I will admit that I am an overpacker, but these bags can merely supplement the giant suitcases I need. 

I have been taking aqua aerobics classes off and on (mostly on) for about 12 years now. The irony is that when I am in the pool, I don’t want to get wet! If a swimmer is in a lane adjacent to our class and is a big splasher, I move. 

Don’t you hate it when you are trying to find a spot in a parking lot and you think you found one only to see that a car is in that spot but you couldn’t see it because it was flanked by SUVs? Unofficial survey – More than half the vehicles in the lot by my gym are SUVs. It is not only hard to find a parking space, it is also hard to back out because you can’t see whether another vehicle or a person are about to pass behind you. Or is it just me?

If you are the first person at the red light, it is your responsibility to pay attention and be ready to go as soon as the light turns green. How frustrating it is to be the 7th person on that line and know you will be there for another light because number 1 is not shooting out when the light is green!

Of all of the knives in my kitchen drawer, one remains my favorite after years of use. It is a knife that I bought from an infomercial (not a Ginzu knife; this one is only labeled “TV Knife”) years ago. It was one of those pitches that if you bought one now you could get a second knife for free or something like that. It is perfect for slicing bagels and rolls and even tomatoes. I keep buying more knives and having the more expensive ones sharpened by a guy in my community who provides that service very inexpensively, but nothing will ever top that late-night impulse purchase. I wish I could say that about all the rest of the gadgets I just had to have and found disappointing.

There is that period of time when you enter your password and you’re waiting to access a website or app and your heart is in your throat because you don’t know whether you used the correct password. Who needs that kind of stress?

I received an important message from my power company, PSEG, letting me know that “Weather could affect your energy use.” What an astute observation. You mean that when it is hot I might use the air conditioning more? No kidding!

I just had the house power washed and had the windows cleaned. Expect storms the rest of the summer. Meanwhile, the house was so clean and the windows crystal clear plus the cleaning service cam that day. I felt that I better sit in one place and not move so as not to disturb the cleanliness!

I am saddened by the shuttering of the award-winning Sports section of The New York Times. The sports reporting will now come exclusively through the online outlet The Athletic, which the Times purchased last year. The Times had great writers and editors, recipients of Pulitzer Prizes and people very well-respected for their journalism. I am sad to see the demise of a tradition that falls because of the changing commercial landscape. 

One of my favorite lines from a TV show is in “Taxi.” As his former girlfriend Zena marries someone else, Louie DePalma (Danny DeVito) borrows a line from fellow driver Alex Rieger (Judd Hirsch) to let her know how he feels. “Happiness is hard to come by in this life, and you’ve given me more than my share.” I hope each of us has someone in our life to whom we can say those words. Poetry in a sitcom.

Summer Milestones:

•    May – Days are getting longer and flowers and tomatoes are available at the local nursery or ShopRite.
•    Mother’s Day – It is now safe to plant those flowers and tomato plants.
•    Memorial Day – Bring out the burgers, the parades and tributes to the fallen soldiers. And get those plants in the ground. It is now ok to begin eating ice cream again (this is MY rule, so you can feel free to indulge at any time).
•    June – Proms, graduations, weddings, showers. Schools close, shore season starts.
•    Father’s Day – More barbecues.
•    Late June – Official start to summer, longest day of the year, followed by each day getting shorter from here on.
•    July 4 – Parades, barbecues and watching the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating contest on ESPN. I love hotdogs but I could never eat the rolls if they are dunked in water.
•    After July 4 – Outdoor concerts around for free. You can start buying coats at Macy’s but if you haven’t bought a bathing suit by now, good luck.
•    August – Dog days, heat and humidity. Be sure to wear a sweatshirt in the supermarket. Those people wearing tank tops look really cold. You have more home-grown veggies than you know what to do with.
•    Late August – Corn, tomatoes and peaches abound at the local farmers market. School supplies are on store shelves everywhere but Bed Bath and Beyond is no longer with us. What do I do with my lifetime supply of those huge coupons?
•    September – Labor Day. End of summer unless you have a place at the shore. Now that the bennies have gone, you get a few weeks of peace and quiet. Schools open, buses are back on the roads. Days are noticeably shorter. And you can’t believe summer went by so fast again this year.
 

Tina's June 2023 Movies & More

With 16 movies and programs on the June list, there should be something for everyone to enjoy. Ratings are on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, with 5 at the top. Programs marked with an asterisk have not been seen previously and numbering picks up from last month.

68.  Ted Lasso, Season 3* (2023, Apple TV+) – This series was enough to make me keep my subscription to Apple TV+. Ted Lasso (Jason Sudekis) is a fish-out-of-water, an American football coach hired to head an English football (we call it soccer in the US) team, despite knowing little about the sport. In what is likely its last season, Ted has made a big decision that affects the entire squad and his family. No spoilers here. The series seemed to go off course at times, but some of the characters really grew on me, like Hannah Waddingham as club owner Rebecca, a powerful woman with compassion, and irreverent and grumpy former star Roy Kent (Brett Goldstein, also a producer and writer). The wit and wisdom of Ted are life lessons. I did not like last year’s ending, which led to an inevitable reconciliation, and I still wonder what Roy and Jamie Tartt see in Keely (Juno Temple). But Ted is a character with character, whose quick wit and sincere advice has maximum impact. The series may or may not return for another season, but I have enjoyed the ride. 4 cans.
69.  The Last Thing He Told Me* (2023, Apple TV+) – The premise here is terrific. A wife is handed a note that says “Protect her” just before her husband vanishes in the wake of a big corporate scandal. Was he in on it? Where did he go? What is the wife and stepmother to the daughter he wants protected supposed to do now? Three words of advice: READ THE BOOK! It makes much more sense and is far more gripping than this overwrought series. Jennifer Garner has one expression – furrowed brow, pursed lips – as she tries to figure out what to do while also having to deal with the snarky teenager she is supposed to protect. The story went off the rails for me and I limped through the final, unsatisfying episode. 3 cans.’
70.  About My Father* (2023, at the movies) – Comedian Sebastian Maniscalco expands his stand-up act in this light comedy about a young man (Sebastian) about to ask his girlfriend (Lesley Bibb) to marry him. But before his father Salvo (Robert DeNiro) will give him his late mother’s ring, Salvo insists on meeting her family. You’ve seen this movie before and it had DeNiro in that one, too (the “Meet the Fockers” franchise). Naturally, the potential in-laws are ritzy upper-crust types and Sebastian’s hairdresser father does not fit in. He makes his son uncomfortable and ashamed, but the old guy loves his son, he’s just set in his ways. There are some funny moments (Salvo’s Italian dinner) and some cheap humor (Sebastian losing his bathing suit in front of the in-laws), but overall, the movie does nothing to distinguish itself as a comedy. Instead, watch one of Maniscalco’s comedy specials. You’ll get a lot more laughs and intel about his father without the cliches and unfunny scenes. 3 cans.
71.  Shooting Stars* (2023, Peacock TV) – Even superstars like LeBron James have to start somewhere. This dramatization of his life shows Bron teaming up with other 10-year-olds to play basketball. The kids grow up together, playing ball and video games staying out of trouble, forging lifelong friendships and winning titles. Even today, the “Fab Four” remain good friends, with each having succeeded in life. And you may know that LeBron turned out to be a pretty good player himself. 3 cans.
72.  Private Benjamin (1980, HBO) – This Goldie Hawn comedy is so funny, so endearing, that I have watched it numerous times. Here she plays spoiled Judy Benjamin, whose parents adore her but whom no one respects. When her husband drops dead on their wedding night in the throes of passion, Judy impulsively joins the Army. Her recruiter shows her pictures of an idyllic place with yachts and condos, a far cry from the Army base in Mississippi where she is forced to scrub the latrine with her toothbrush. Predictable misadventures ensue. My favorite scenes are Judy and her squad marching in circles in the pouring rain as she laments not being able to wear sandals and go out to lunch and the joy of the squad when they unexpectedly succeed and launch an impromptu dance party to the Sister Sledge song, “We Are Family” in the barracks. This is light entertainment for sure, but it still packs an inspiring message about what women who are determined can accomplish. 4 cans.
73.  Still* (2023, Apple TV+) – Before he became known as the face of Parkinson’s Disease, Michael J. Fox was enjoying fortune and fame as Alex P. Keaton on TV’s “Family Ties,” followed by “Back to the Future” and other movies. Fox became as hot as can be, with his picture all over the magazine stands and appearances on all of the talk shows. Here he tells his own career and life story and it is engrossing. His unexpected diagnosis at age 29 was something he chose to deal with privately with just his wife, actress Tracy Pollen, and his kids – for 7 years. But when the tremors and other effects became harder to hide, he felt the need to explain his physical symptoms to the public. His foundation has raised $2 billion for research on Parkinson’s. Kudos to the editors for finding so many relevant clips from his work to tell this story that Fox narrates, and kudos to Fox for his candor in depicting his daily challenges. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see this documentary for fear it would be too depressing, but seeing Fox laughing and enjoying his family made it worthwhile. 3½ cans.
74.  Wanda Sykes: I’m an Entertainer* (2023, Netflix) – One of my favorite comedians, Sykes shines in her latest stand-up special. She tackles online church, the quarantine, sending her kids to school and more serious subjects. Line of the night: “Until a drag queen walks into a school and beats eight kids to death with a copy of ‘To Kill a Mockingbird,’ I think you’re focusing on the wrong shit.” Hell, yeah. 3½ cans.
75.  The Son* (2022, Netflix) – If you are looking for a movie full of warmth and parent-child bonding, this isn’t the one. Hugh Jackman plays a divorced man whose teenaged son lives with his ex (Laura Dern) while he has a new wife and baby.  The son has stopped going to school and wants to live with his father. He doesn’t fit neatly anywhere and grows increasingly unhappy. Meanwhile, the father has a chance to land a major political client, but he is pulled in all directions, with work, wife, ex-wife, baby and son all vying for his attention. He may be highly capable at work, but real life is where he can’t seem to handle his problems. This movie is grim and, while probably close to reality, isn’t at all fun or rewarding to watch. 2 cans.
76.  The Angriest Man in Brooklyn* (2014) – The late, great Robin Williams plays Henry Altman, a man who is having a really bad day. He starts out angry and a car accident and the fallout from that only exacerbates his downward spiral. Still, there is biting humor as only Robin Williams can bring it. Co-star Mina Kunis shines in her role of a woman desperate to help this poor guy. I had never heard of this movie but it is worth watching. 3½ cans.
77.  Sebastian Maniscalco – Sebastian has become one of my favorite comedians. His stand-up act tackles subjects we can all relate to but he brings his Italian background, his father and the way he grew up to practically every situation in a way that delivers genuinely funny humor. His physicality when he imitates his father and others adds to the hilarity. I found his stand-up routines much funnier than his movie, “About My Father,” that covers much of the same territory but doesn’t translate well to the movie format.  3½ cans.
78.  The Luckiest Guy in the World* (2023, ESPN) – This fascinating look at the basketball career of Bill Walton is part of ESPN’s “30 for 30” documentary series. At nearly 7 feet, with a shock of bright red hair, later added to by a red beard, Bill Walton always stood out in the crowd. When he played for legendary coach John Wooden at UCLA, Walton and his teammates went undefeated and took home two National Championships. He also won two NBA titles. Now, at age 70, Walton looks back on his career, his triumphs, his defeats and the way serious injuries shortened his ability to play. He endured multiple stress fractures in his feet and had numerous surgeries. But when he was good, he was great. In this 4-parter, he recounts his battles with the preeminent player of his time, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and many of his teammates and opponents offer their input into his incredible abilities on the court. Off the court, Walton was and remains his own man, an independent thinker who considers himself mainstream. I don’t watch much pro basketball, since I prefer college hoops, but I remember Walton. The man who stuttered made himself into an articulate broadcaster when his playing career ended. Who knows what might have been? 4 basketballs.
79.  The Bear, Season 2* (2023, FX or Hulu) -- Carmy Berzatto and company are back in this 10-episode second season on Hulu as the chef and crew take the steps to rebuild the restaurant into The Bear, a fine dining establishment. This season is considerably less frenetic than last season (let’s not count “The Fishes” episode with his mother, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, preparing the feast of the 7 fishes), but still with plenty of action. Some of the episodes highlight the supporting cast, as Sydney (Ayo Edibiri) tours Chicago in search of new recipe ideas and pastry chef Marcus (Lionel Boyce) goes to Copenhagen to learn special dessert techniques. Carmy (Jeremy Allen White) has a love interest this year in old friend Claire but has no time for a romance with trying to get construction permits and pass fire suppression tests. The food looks delicious, the acting is first rate and overall, his season was well-done. 4 cans.
80.  The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Season 5* (2023, Prime Video) – This is the final season of this comedy series about a housewife turned stand-up comedian that features an outstanding performance by Rachel Brosnahan as Midge Maisel. Midge is fighting her for her big break, getting a job as the only female writer on the “Gordon Ford Show” (think “The Tonight Show”) where she really wants a spot to perform and a turn on the couch. She is still managed by the abrasive Susie Myerson (Alex Borstein), still living with her parents (played by Tony Shalhoub and Marin Hinkle) and still the ex-wife of Joel (Michael Zegen). To be honest, I stopped watching this series last year when I found the parents and side stories annoying and laborious, but since this is the last go-round, I wanted to check it out. There is still plenty of comedy, with the stand-up bits shining and genuinely funny, but the characters are still annoying. I loved it at first but gradually fell off Mrs. Maisel’s wagon. Amy Sherman Palladino, who created and wrote much of the show, can cram more dialog into a few minutes than anyone this side of Aaron Sorkin and some of the writing is real genius. By the end, Mrs. Maisel is on her way to real stardom and it is time to end the show for that and other reasons. However, great production values, perfect period costumes and performances that absolutely sparkle make it worthwhile. Mrs. Maisel was much less marvelous as time went on. This season gets 3½ cans.
81.  Dream On* (2021, ESPN) – Another top-notch documentary from ESPN’s “30 for 30” series, this 3-parter recounts the story of the 1996 USA Women’s Basketball team and how they prepared for the Olympics. The 1992 Olympic team and the 1994 World Cup team failed to capture the gold medal, so the people in charge of the sport decided to emulate the countries whose national teams were picked and played for a year prior to the Olympics. They then had to secure a coach who was willing to give up his/her regular job to guide the team as they trained and barnstormed the US and overseas to create a cohesive, winning unit. They found one in Stanford Coach Tara Vanderveer. Their success generated enough interest and enthusiasm for Women’s Basketball that it led to the formation of the WNBA, now in its 27th season. It was fun to see players like Lisa Leslie, Sheryl Swoopes, Dawn Staley and now RU assistant coach Nikki McCray on the court and commenting on their experiences. As a women’s basketball junkie, I enjoyed every minute. Not only did the US go undefeated and win the goal medal in 1996, but subsequent teams have continued that championship record, with Team USA winning seven consecutive gold medals! 4 basketballs.
82.  Doc Hollywood (1991, HBO) – This oldie but goodie was one I wanted to watch again after having seen Michael J. Fox in his Apple TV+ documentary “Still” earlier this month. Here Fox is young Dr. Benjamin Stone, who is on his way to a lucrative job as a plastic surgeon in – you guessed it – Hollywood when he has an accident and needs to get his car repaired in the sleepy town of Grady, South Carolina, when the local repairmen need to order parts. The town happens to need a doctor and Dr. Stone is voluntold to take over from irascible Dr. Hogue (Barnard Hughes) in the local clinic. Stone is way too good for this gig, or so he thinks, but he is stuck there. Once he meets ambulance driver, Vialula (Julie Warner), things brighten up considerably. But he still has to contend with the tough nurse, a would-be starlet (Bridget Fonda) who wants to go to Hollywood, local insurance salesman Hank (Woody Harrelson) and a cast of eccentrics. Adorable movie, and the last made by the popular Fox before his devastating diagnosis with Parkinson’s Disease. When we think of Michael J. Fox now, it is often in his role as a crusader for Parkinson’s research, but let’s not forget what a good actor he is.  4 cans.
83.  Rock Hudson: All that Heaven Allowed* (2023, HBO) – Rock Hudson was the perfect movie star, a tall, dark, handsome hunk with a great physique and a big secret – he was gay back in the days when being openly gay would ruin a Hollywood career. Hudson managed to keep his secret from the public for the most part while surrounding himself with handsome young men who were perfectly willing to spend time with him. Rock even managed to have a short-lived marriage of convenience with a woman who worked for his manager. But insiders and some of his co-stars (like Doris Day and Elizabeth Taylor) knew the real story and loved and protected him. His secret might never have been revealed had he not contracted AIDS in the 1980s, at a time when there was no real treatment and the gay community was losing so many talented artists. After finally admitting his diagnosis, Hudson wanted to help raise awareness of the disease. Nearly 40 years after his death, he remains arguably the most famous person to die of AIDS. There is nothing really new or revelatory here, but it struck me how sad it is that we are still fighting stereotypes in this country, even after passage of laws designed to give gay people full rights to marry and be themselves. 3 cans.

June Jollies

A friend stayed over and woke up late, explaining that she overslept. Funny, because I underslept and was up by 5 am.

I recently had to return something I bought online NOT from Amazon. The instructions said to return my item to Staples to a “Returnista” at the "Happy Returns" desk. Is that like a barista at Starbucks? I can just hear a child telling his mother, “Mommy, when I grow up I want to be a Returnista.”  At least I didn’t have to go the place of all hyperbole – the “Genius” bar at Apple.

I hate paying for shipping, which is one of the reasons I buy most of my online stuff through Amazon, where shipping is free for Prime members. The sellers should just bake the shipping costs into the price of the item. When you get a salad with your meal in a restaurant, you know that’s not free, right? It is baked into the price of your entree. That’s how all shipping should be. In my opinion, of course!

When one waxes poetic or nostalgic, does one use a paste or liquid wax? Can you quote “The Karate Kid” with “Wax on, wax off?”

I am a terrible (over) packer. If I come to your house to stay for a day or two, don’t panic. I know it looks like I am moving in, but that’s just my indecisiveness about what to bring with me. I like options. As long as I am traveling by car, my motto is “Bring it!”

At my age you have to go through the inventory of what you need to have on you at all times: Wallet, keys, phone – and the Tide Stain Stick (or is that just me?).

It strikes me as ironic that my hair is getting thinner and my body…well, it’s not getting thinner. 

It used to be so much fun to go to see Broadway shows. Now, between the cost of the tickets, the hassle of getting into the city – car? train? parking? – the show has to be really special for me to go. I miss those days when my friends and I routinely went into the city, felt safe, loved the shows and enjoyed a pleasant drink and some laughs. Once we were having so much fun drinking margaritas out of boot-shaped glasses at some bar on Broadway that a woman came up to us and asked if she could join us. Somewhere in my files is a picture of me and the girls – and some stranger who had a special treat. Of course, no one is more entertained by us than us! I miss those days!

I’m trying to figure out why the supermarket cannot give me a bag – plastic or paper – for the many items I buy there, but if I buy a top from Kohl’s, I get a nice paper bag with handles (that I use for my paper recycling). Explanations welcomed!

Sign on the door of the pizza place – "Due to vacation reasons, we will be closed from July 1-9." If it is a vacation, you need no other reason.

The biggest lies:
    That outfit makes you look thin.    
    The check is in the mail.
    The repairman/delivery will be there between 12 and 2.
    Don’t worry about that acne (said to a teenager). You will outgrow it.

I was in the dentist’s office recently and after having read the diplomas on the wall to pass the time, I was stuck looking at the X-rays of my teeth. If there weren’t so many of them, I would have sworn they were pictures of my toes with nail polish – the nail polish part being the fillings. Very strange.

I used to be able to get into the car and just take off. It seemed like the car knew where to go. Now I have to start the trip by thinking about the route to get there, the construction underway that will hold me up or add time to my trip, the alternate route to avoid the traffic. It is amazing I wind up in the right place at the right time anymore!

I can’t think of anything more boring than sitting at the nail salon waiting for my manicure to dry. I waited more than 20 minutes last time and still managed to ruin a nail on my way home. In the salon where I used to go, the owner offered a clear, fast-drying coat that she charged $1 more to use. So little of the polish is needed for one coat that she must have made hundreds of dollars off that little bottle. If you get a gel manicure, your nails look terrific and last for a very long time, PLUS, you don’t have to sit and wait for them to dry. But every time I get a gel manicure, my nails split and break once the polish comes off. I know, first world problems.

There was a very advanced construction project going on outside my front door – the building of a bird’s nest. My own projects should go that quickly; this bird was as busy as a bee, starting the construction sometime on Sunday afternoon and finishing on Monday. I went out the front door and noticed a bunch of branches and debris and looked up to find it. Some of my neighbors urged me to keep it, stating that it would only be there for 8 weeks or so. Eight weeks? I can’t go out the front door without seeing a mess for 8 weeks? I’m not interested in having an aviary on my front porch. A few had more practical advice about putting things in the spot where the nest was built to ward off future construction. I’ll go with that approach. PS – The nest was removed before it became a nursery so all’s well. 

If you want to make someone’s day, tell them that their hair looks nice. Yesterday I told an older woman with very short white hair that I loved her hair (I did!) and she was thrilled.
Overheard at the doctor’s office: Receptionist –
“What body part is it?”
“Left or right?’
“I’m sorry, only one body part per visit.”

I hope it wasn’t the patient’s eyes!

My sister had to stay home for the PSEG meter reader who needed access to the house this one time and it reminded me how we used to have to read our own meters and place those little cards with the wheels in the front window or on the door where they could be seen. I was always afraid I would forget (maybe once I did). Glad those days are over!

I finally stopped wearing a mask to ShopRite in May, but one day the store was very busy so I put one on again. I think the only people wearing masks by then were me and a few folks who looked like they were from the cast of “Cocoon.”

One of the main qualifications to be an exercise instructor is the ability to count backwards from 8. And the phrase you most want to hear them say is, “Last one.”

Pet Peeve – Filling out medical forms by hand when the space allotted for each question is so tiny you can barely read the question, no less write the answer. And please don’t give me ONE LINE to list all of my current medications! I need to submit a separate page for that info. 

I went out to dinner with a group of 10 Douglass friends in town to celebrate their 50th Reunion. This begs the question: How many college graduates does it take to figure out the bill for 11 people? I think it took 10, because I just handed over the money and added nothing to the process.

The world lost a true legend with the passing of the iconic Tina Turner. A woman of formidable talent and energy, she was as fierce as they come, reinventing herself just to stay in the game. Current superstars like Beyonce and Lizzo paid tribute to her, declaring that they would not have built careers without following Tina’s lead. I saw Tina in concert several times and can attest to her ability to transfix the crowd. She was a force of nature who was justifiably known as “The Queen of Rock & Roll.” I admired her so much that I taped her picture over mine on my work ID card. She could belt out a song with such force! When producer Phil Spector drafted her for the vocals on “River Deep, Mountain High,” he created a record that was unlike anything that had been recorded. And then there are her signature pieces, “Proud Mary,” with Tina’s explosive dancing and spinning around the stage, and the aptly named, “Simply the Best,” which is my new morning hype song. In her later years, Tina she made peace with the trauma she had endured and found a way not just to survive, but to thrive, spending her last years on an idyllic Swiss estate with a much younger husband whom she adored. I have listened to her music for decades. I read her book, watched the “Tina” documentary, saw the Broadway musical “Tina,” and absorbed the concert experience live. I feel a darkness where Tina’s light used to be. Rest well, Queen. Love had plenty to do with it.