September Silliness 2022

Considering my doubts about the need for and viability of the British monarchy, I am surprised at how sad I am about the death of Queen Elizabeth II. She had been Queen for almost as long as I have been alive, a steady presence who outlived her many prime ministers, US Presidents and other important historical figures. It will be difficult to get accustomed to hearing "King Charles," but he has been in the on-deck circle for his entire life, so I guess it's his time. I have nothing but respect for the late Queen, who dedicated her life to serving her country, including in the Armed Forces. It wasn't a job she pursued or was even expected to have, but when it was thrust upon her, she served with distinction and dedication. Rest well, Your Majesty.

Why do people refer to “the four corners of the earth” when we know that the earth is round? We do, don’t we?

When I look in the mirror, I alternate between “you don’t look so bad” and “what the hell happened here?”

As of August 31, Costco has on its showroom floor a giant snowman, a display of lighted reindeer and other reminders that Christmas is a mere 4 months away!

I hate knowing I’m late when I haven’t even left the house yet!

I was going to give someone a piece of my mind on the phone the other day, but then I realized that I couldn’t spare it.

New episodes of “Jeopardy” are back on the air, so you will have to forgive me if everything I say is in the form of a question.

There are so many reusable grocery bags in my trunk that there is barely enough room for the groceries.

Where did I get so many reusable water bottles? I’m trying to remember to use them and to stop using bottles of Poland Spring. More washing but less recycling!

My GPS tells me, “Prepare to make a right.” How much preparation does this require? Is there a course I have to take, a certification I need? Sure, if I am driving on the interstate, I should get over to the right-hand lane to turn right, but if I am driving in town or on a two-lane road, trust me, I’m prepared to make that right.

For someone who watches as much TV as I do, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I never have watched any of the shows nominated for an Emmy Award as best drama. I've only watched “Abbott Elementary,” “Ted Lasso” and “Hacks” on the comedy side, and I stopped watching “Mrs. Maisel” this year. I started watching “The White Lotus” and hated it, so I stopped. It looks like I have some catching up to do now!

I have watched too many episodes of “Dateline.” When I watched one recently about a woman who vanished, I noticed the nice pictures of her on the screen and wondered what pictures of me would be used if I ever disappeared. That’s crazy!

Can we talk about the absolute annoyance of “REPLY ALL” to emails? I live in a senior community, and everyone here seems to think we want to see them tell EVERYONE that they have cast their ballot for the HOA Board, or that they like a picture of a tree or a bird that Shirley posted, or that they, too, might have seen a coyote but they aren’t sure. People, get a life! I don’t want to opt out of the messages, because when someone posts that they loved their new neurologist or painter, that might be useful to keep. But the other stuff is a waste of time and mailbox space!

Why do people – especially athletes – say that they have “given 110%?” Isn’t 100% the top of the scale? Have we cranked up the volume from 10 to 11 now? (Raise your hand if you get that reference.)

I recently got a package from Amazon in a big cardboard box that had this message on it: “This box is suitable for use as a diorama.” I don’t have kids and I was in school before someone invented the cruelty that is a diorama, but shouldn’t any large box be suitable for that purpose? If you were a desperate parent trying to help your child at the last minute with a school project, wouldn’t you have stashed away a box or two for this purpose?

If you cough – not sneeze – and someone says, “God bless you,” should you explain it was a cough, not a sneeze, which doesn’t generally merit a “God bless you,” or merely say “thank you?” And does it matter? I know you’re thinking NO.

I wonder why we sneeze, and why we sneeze multiple times. I exhausted myself one morning with a sneezing fit before my feet even hit the floor.

I can’t remember life before Adjust-a-Size paper towels, but I don’t think I could live without them now.

What kind of violence takes place in my washing machine? Things come out of there inside-out, upside-down and backwards. The socks are smart enough to try to escape the torture. 

I recently spent an hour on line at the inspection station where I amused myself by filing my nails and watching people taking their driving tests. One person had three tries to parallel park before they finally got it right. I feel your pain! One of the few times in my life that I parallel parked perfectly was on my driver’s test, which I still consider a major achievement. Remember when cars did not have power steering? Wrestling your car into a parking space was a real workout! Hence the trepidation about parallel parking!

Car inspection in NJ used to be so scary. You never knew whether your inspector woke up surly that day and you were going to fail. When the person in the little booth at the end of the lane finally scraped off your sticker, you just prayed you passed. Now, there is no more slamming on the brakes or checking your high beams. It is strictly an emissions test – yet I still sweat it out until the car passes!

Desperately seeking bagels. When was the last time I had a decent bagel, one with an actual hole in the center that didn’t look like a hard roll? What I am finding these days are doughy, fat bagel pretenders that don’t even fit into the toaster. When it comes to good bagels, bigger isn’t necessarily better.

I sprained my thumb recently while taking a nap. Apparently, I tucked it under my chin inadvertently and leaned on it the wrong way. I had a neck pillow right there, but I just conked out. I’ll survive.

I have been watching tennis all summer, it seems. At the US Open, legend Serena Williams put on a great show before bowing out in what MIGHT be her last hurrah in Flushing Meadows. She will go down in history as the greatest female tennis player ever, objections from Margaret Court notwithstanding. And the men ushered in a new era with the ascension of 19-year-old Carlos Alcaraz to the World #1 ranking with his thrilling win over Casper Ruud, displacing the usual triumphant triumvirate of Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic. Thanks to Serena for a lifetime of thrills, and here’s to many more victories from young Mr. Alcaraz. 

Public Service Announcement: For those of you following my very successful experience with cataract surgery who have been told that you are developing cataracts, I recommend that you take an aggressive approach to have the surgery done. Push to get it done sooner rather than later. It took 5 years for mine to get to the point where I really NEEDED the surgery, but could I have gotten it after 2 years or 3? It's great now finally being able to see clearly, but I wish I had done it sooner. No one suggested that at all. We were just "keeping an eye" on my cataracts. Talk to your eye doctor and speed up the process if you can. Why should we suffer when we could enjoy improved vision sooner?

While waiting in the treatment room for my eye injection, I looked around and realized I was able to read almost everything in the room, including a colorful diagram all about the retina and wet macular degeneration, which is what I have. I had never been able to read it before. When the doctor came in, I pointed to the poster on the wall and said to the doctor, “Do you see that poster?” He said yes and looked at me quizzically. “So do I,” I declared.

One last medical thing: The doctor’s office always sends out reminders to arrive 15 minutes before my appointment. Why, so I can wait that extra 15 minutes watching bad TV in the waiting room? I never arrive late, but I am there within 5 minutes of my scheduled time, usually not a minute sooner!

I have been trying to set up an appointment to get my Real ID for months, but the only available time slots seemed to be in Cape May, Camden or Elizabeth. So, when I noticed openings in South Plainfield, I snagged one fast for August 30. I printed out my confirmation and assembled 512 pieces of ID that were enough for everyone at the agency. I hit the road nice and early for my 10:15 appointment, and even though I got lost, I still arrived early. It turns out that I was 2 months early, because the date I had booked was actually October 21! The date on the confirmation I proudly pulled out to show the clerk read October 21. What? How could that be? I knew I had a hold on that date for something important that I had to do so I wouldn’t have scheduled anything at that time. I asked whether they could take me anyway since I was already there, but, no, that would have been way too easy. So, I went home and made another appointment - in November! And forget South Plainfield; I'm heading to Edison and I know exactly where the MVA agency is located.

August 2022 Movies & More

There are plenty of mini-series on this month's list, which is almost all new programs to me. Movies are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna, with 5 being at the top. Movies marked with an asterisk are things I had not seen previously. Numbering picks up from previous months.

108.  As We See It* (2022, Prime Video) – This mini-series is a revelation, a look at the lives, loves, accomplishments and disappointments of three 25-year-olds on the autism spectrum sharing an apartment. Sosie Bacon (daughter of Kevin and Kyra Sedgwick) is their aide, helping them accomplish modest goals and steering them into better decisions than they might make on their own by giving them genuine care and love. The three leads are actually on the autism spectrum, and each delivers a stellar performance in portraying the ways their lives are affected. Bacon tries to care for them while making big life decisions of her own, selflessly putting their well-bring first. The series was created and developed by Jason Katims, who worked on two of my favorite series, “Friday Night Lights” and “Parenthood.” Give this one a chance. 4 cans.
109.  The Last Movie Stars* (2022, HBO Max) – Actor Ethan Hawke put together this loving tribute to actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward with a comprehensive look at their lives and work. Newman was widely credited as the bigger star, while Woodward was recognized as the better actor. To create this homage, Hawke took transcripts from audio tapes Newman had recorded with his friend Stanley Stern (which he later, inexplicably, destroyed) and had a variety of actors read them. They reveal two imperfect people: He admittedly drank too much and, although she adored her children, she admitted that having them was detrimental to her career. There is much respect paid here to the craft of acting, but I’m in it for the clips. I think I need to fill in the Woodward collection because God knows I’ve seen almost everything that Newman ever did – minus “The Silver Chalice.” A bit disjointed and sometimes too adoring, this 6-part documentary includes plenty of interviews with their friends and children to round out the picture of the couple as people. 4 cans.
110.  Shania Twain: Not Just a Girl* (2022, Netflix) – Shania Twain exploded on the country music scene in 1995. Soon she was acclaimed as the first true crossover artist as she built a huge following with her pop and rock songs, touring internationally and becoming a global superstar. This Netflix documentary delivers the goods – her many #1 hits, her spectacular live performances, her signature videos. There is just the slightest mention of her divorce from her husband and producer, Mutt Lange, and a look at how she nearly lost her voice because of Lyme disease. Of course, she’s not just a girl. Man, she feels like a woman! 3½ cans.
111.  Broadchurch (2013, PBS) – I can’t believe it has been 9 years since I first got hooked on this British murder mystery series. Danny Lattimer is an 11-year-old boy whose dead body is found on a beach early one morning in the British town of Broadchurch. His family is devastated, the town is shocked at the crime and there are plenty of suspects. David Tennant plays the lead detective, assisted by Olivia Colman, an actress I had never seen before this series. She turns in a flawless performance as a detective and a mother. I’m not going to spoil this whodunit, but I absolutely recommend that you watch it if you can. 4 cans.
112.  All the President’s Men (1976, On Demand) – It has been 50 years since five men hired and bankrolled by a sitting president and his henchmen broke into the Democratic National Headquarters of the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. Looking at that crime through the lens of January 6, 2021, you can’t help seeing frightening comparisons. I think you know whodunit in this one. But have we learned NOTHING since 1972? Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely; and people who support a martinet and refuse to stop him from abusing that power will eventually pay the price. At least we hope so. Redford, Hoffman, Robards – Outstanding movie. 4½ cans.
113.  13 Lives* (2022, Apple TV) – Director Ron Howard puts together the agonizing account of the daring rescue of 12 boys and their soccer coach who were trapped in a cave in Thailand during an unexpected monsoon. The ingenuity and bravery of the rescuers and the young boys makes this a suspenseful film, even if you remember the actual incident. My only gripes are that you have to depend on subtitles since much of the dialog is in Thai language and it was hard to tell who was whom since the divers/rescuers all wore masks and wetsuits. Not Howard’s finest work but still suspenseful. 3 cans.
114.  D.B. Cooper, Where Are You?* (2022, Netflix) – That’s the question the authorities, private investigators and followers of this strange incident have been asking since 1972, when an ordinary looking man boarded a plane headed from Portland to Seattle. He slipped the flight attendant a note demanding $200,000 and four parachutes and, upon landing, took off on another flight, where he simply opened the door and jumped out, never to be seen again. Did he crash to earth and die? Or is he one of several possible men who have been tracked and trailed for years. D.B. Cooper has become a cottage industry, with “Cooper Con” gatherings attended by “Cooperites” who are fascinated with the story and relish doing some amateur sleuthing of their own. Despite the authorities focusing on one or two candidates, the real D.B. Cooper has never been found. And so the story continues. 3½ cans.
115.  The Captain* (2022, ESPN) – Derek Jeter was born to be the shortstop of the New York Yankees, a position he played for his entire major league career. In this 7-part look at his life, there are numerous interviews with players, members of the media, his family and friends – all of which tell you little more than you already knew, and Derek likes it that way. Like the series on basketball legend Michael Jordan, this documentary shows a proud, accomplished man filled with competitive fire who remembers every slight and negative comment anyone made about him. Jeter bristles in the spotlight, freely admitting that he did not want to be the center of attention. He is inherently humble and loyal but spent his career guarded in his approach to the media. Here he is much more candid and forthcoming than he was in interviews with reporters, but here he controls the narrative since he and his agent produced the series. We get to see him in his latest chapter, as a husband and devoted “girl dad.” Not as addictive as Jordan’s “The Last Dance,” still, it is “number 2, Derek Jeter, number 2” (imagine Bob Sheppard’s voice here). 3½ cans.
116.  The Princess* (2022, HBO) – This documentary takes a different approach in recounting the life and death of Princess Diana by using no narration, no host, no script. Instead, the entire program relies on montages of news footage in tracing the woman who-would-be-Queen from a shy 19-year-old to a forlorn 36-year-old, divorced from Prince Charles and her fairytale life – which wasn’t much of a fairytale anyway. There are copious clips of the courtship, the engagement, the marriage and the eclipse of Charles as the popular Princess emerges as a true force and asset for the Royal Family. There are coy shots of Charles’ real love, Camilla Parker-Bowles, slipped in throughout the footage. Included as well are snippets from the graphic tapes of conversations between Charles and Camilla, Princess Di’s interview where she says there were three people in her marriage, and her admission of her own infidelity. Ironically, so much of the footage shows the paparazzi following her every move, including chasing down the car that crashed and killed her 25 years ago in Paris. The outpouring of affection for her following her tragic death was truly heart-warming. She was “the People’s Princess.” 3½ cans.
117.  Citizen Ashe* (2022, HBO Max) – When I started watching this bio of the late Arthur Ashe, I momentarily forgot about him as a tennis player. Hard to believe, since he was iconic as one of the first Black male tennis players to gain prominence and the first to win at Wimbledon. I was thinking of all the things he did outside of tennis with his modest social activism (he certainly wasn’t strident), his community work and how he dealt with AIDS. At 36, Ashe had a heart attack; a subsequent related procedure that required a blood transfusion led to his AIDS. He wasn’t aways an activist because he felt that if he were too aggressive, he and all other Black players would suffer the consequences. This documentary portrays him as he evolved. He and his tennis contemporary, Billie Jean King, became probably the most admired and influential champions of their sport and their impact and reputations continue today. 3½ tennis balls.
118.  The Girlfriend Who Didn’t Exist* (2022, Netflix) – Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o was a force in college football in 2012, a punishing player, a leader, and a candidate for the Heisman Trophy. He led his team to an undefeated season before losing to Alabama in the National Championship game. But Te’o lost more than a game when it was reported that his grandmother and his girlfriend, Lennay Keuka, died on the same day. He was all over the news with reporters clamoring for the sad story. Only Lennay didn’t exist. Huh? Te’o had established an online relationship with what he thought was a beautiful young woman in California. They exchanged text messages and often talked on the phone, just not via Facetime because she always had an excuse. Sure she did, because she was the invention of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a young man who set up one of the greatest “catfishing” schemes ever. Te’o was warm and loving. He and his family got to know Lennay and her “family,” all created by the catfisher. Once he got started, he didn’t know how to stop, so he killed her off. The initial sympathy for the young athlete turned derisive once the news was leaked that she never actually existed. How could he be so badly duped? Was he in on it? What did he know and when did he know it. Tuiasosopo, who now identifies as transgender, tries to evoke sympathy for herself but instead comes across as a manipulative, immature sociopath. Teo’s football career and his life were adversely affected by this charade, where he was a victim. You can’t make this stuff up – except Tuiasosopo did just that. 3½ cans.
119. Selling the OC* (2022, Netflix) – Ever since one of the “Real Housewives” flipped over that table, so-called “reality” TV has been finding ways to create drama among cast members. The sister show to “Selling Sunset” about a real estate agency selling high end homes, this new version moves to beautiful Orange County, California, where homes as high as $106 million are pitched by the realtors for their size, amenities and magnificent views. The agents are good to look at, too, if you like hard-bodied young men and botoxed, plasticized women. The drama here is self-inflicted; who is flirting with whom and who called whom a “bitch” are standard scenarios. Every now and then someone actually sells a house, too. This 8-part limited series has too many cast members – oops, I mean “agents” – to try to keep track of the alliances. But with “Selling Sunset” between seasons, this one had to take up the gap. 2½ cans. But the houses and the views are sensational!
120.  Loot* (2022, Apple TV+) – I don’t watch much on this streaming service, but this erstwhile comedy starring Maya Rudolph sounded like a winner. Rudolph is Molly, who catches her cheating billionaire husband and divorces him, leaving her with a Melinda Gates-sized settlement. Molly discovers that she also gets to run a philanthropic organization that funds promising projects to help the needy around Los Angeles, but she manages to nearly destroy it with her lack of experience or finesse. I won’t bother to give you more details. I should have cashed out of “Loot” way before the 10th and final (one can only hope) episode. I felt short-changed. 2 cans.
121.  My Life as a Rolling Stone* (2022, EPIX) – This 4-part series uses plenty of interviews and years of footage to introduce viewers to the four mainstays of the ultimate rock & roll band, The Rolling Stones. Mick, Keith, Ronnie Wood and Charlie Watts each brought something special to the band. Watching these “biographies” reminded me of their immense contribution to music. If you’re a fan – or even if the Rolling Stones are NOT your favorite band (that would be me, but with massive respect) – you may find their stories as fascinating as I did. 4 cans – one for each Rolling Stone profiled.

As Summer Flies By

Eye Update:  I may have been the first person you know who had “light adjustable” lenses implanted as part of my cataract surgery, but I won’t be the last. The process is much more complex than your everyday cataract surgery, but I am seeing better now than I have in decades, so I am very satisfied with the outcome. I don’t need glasses for distance viewing but will need readers to see my phone or use the computer, which is fine. I’m getting progressive lenses, so I can see both distance and close-up, but with a minimal or no prescription for distance. Will I be able to drive at night again? Time will tell. Meanwhile, my eyes are still sensitive to the light and I have avoided the sun all summer, but at least I can open the refrigerator now without shielding them. Colors look vibrant, images are sharp, and I have a whole new view of the world. Would conventional cataract surgery have resulted in the same success? I’ll never know. I’m just happy to hum “I can see clearly now. I can see all obstacles in my way.” I am available for consultations on these special lenses. 

“The Golden Girls” makes much more sense to me now.

I would like to thank the inventor of spaghetti and give a special shout-out to whomever decided that twirling it on a fork was a good idea.

Every time I check the box that says, “I accept cookies,” I expect to get actual cookies. I can dream, can’t I?

I wonder if the people in England say that we Americans drive on the “wrong side” of the road.

I ask Alexa to play “ocean sounds” so often that sometimes I think I can feel waves lapping at my toes in bed.

I think that “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” should be an adult song since most of us have pain in those places anyway. The second verse: “And eyes and ears and mouth and nose” is right up there, too.

As I went into ShopRite the other day, a man was walking out with a small cart that held two things: A bag of potato chips and a container of sour cream. My hero! I don’t think I’ll ever have that light a load, and besides, the guilt of buying just chips would consume me. 

I am entirely fed up with cooking (pun intended). I don’t really cook much these days. I’m like a contestant on “Chopped.” I cobble something together that kind of makes sense from whatever is around the house. So cold shrimp, an ear of corn and a tomato salad – all summer fare – made sense for dinner last night. And tonight is an instant replay. 

It seems that any time I make an online purchase (other than through Amazon or QVC), I’m not only inundated with thank you messages for making the order, confirmations of my order and updates on its shipping, I’m also inundated with catalogs from the companies from which I ordered. I get the “early holiday preview” catalog, the “holiday catalog,” the mid-summer catalog,” etc. I guess the only way to stop receiving these catalogs is to never again order from that particular company. Or die. I prefer the former.

I love a good nap! But I can’t go to bed and take a nap. I can’t schedule a nap. I can’t count on a nap. If and when it happens, it happens. But when I do feel one coming on, I have to act fast – just not so fast that I wake myself up. There is only a short “window” in which I will drift off. Once that passes, so does my chance for a snooze. Unless I am in the movies, where I have to fight to stay awake.

If tossing and turning were an Olympic event, I would have taken home the Gold Medal last night.

Confession: I get Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato mixed up. I also have trouble with Courtney Cox and Demi Moore, even though I know Courtney was in “Friends” and Demi was married to Bruce Willis. And I will never know which Khardashian is which because I don’t even try. 

Why are scissors considered plural? I assume it is because they have two sides, but, put together, they form one thing.

I never thought there would come a day when I would be seeing commercials about Medicare supplemental health care plans pitched by Joe Namath and Jimmy “JJ” Walker. But here we are. Dy-No-Mite!

My sister and I are fans of “American Ninja Warrior.” The competitors bill themselves under such names as “The Boss Ninja,” “The Cowboy Ninja” and “The Eskimo Ninja.” We decided that if we ever competed, I would be “The Lazy Ninja” and she, because of her issues with vertigo, would be “The Dizzy Ninja.” I would also be “The Oldest Ninja.”

Whenever there is a forecast for bad weather – a big snowstorm, possible hurricane winds or a heat advisory, say – I get an alert from my Alexa. I think she is trying to replace my mother, who felt that was her job. Once I was leaving her house and she told me to “bundle up” (does anyone still use that expression?) because it “looks cold out there.” It LOOKS cold? I mean, if it is snowing, I can understand that take, but just by looking out the window my mother could tell it was cold. She was always right, by the way.

Speaking of Mom, once when I was leaving her house – in normal weather – she said, “Don’t forget to take your shoes.” Huh? I replied, “You mean the ones I have to put on my feet to leave?” Did she really think I was going to leave the house barefoot? Moms! They worry about everything. I put on the shoes.

Last Thursday felt more like Friday. What the hell does that mean? What does Friday feel like?

I had to stop the car the other day so a bunch (gaggle?) of geese could cross the road. It was like watching a group of teenagers. They strolled/ambled/moseyed across the road, ignoring the danger of approaching cars (which had stopped) and taking their good old time. One seemed to limp, the kind of limp Festus had on “Gunsmoke” (raise your hand if you are old enough to remember that classic TV Western). There’s always something to see in this world if you just take time to look. Like I had a choice!

So, the last president, who fought tooth-and-nail to hang on to his position and never showed any interest in an orderly transition to the new president, apparently left town with a bunch of classified documents that were boxed up and kept in an unlocked room at his Florida estate. I figured he got out of town with some of the White House china and flatware but hanging on to nuclear secrets is much more serious. When I left J&J, I took my original letter opener and the stapler I had for 34 years, which had been replaced by a different variety. I would have left the company’s strategic plans in New Brunswick if I had access to them. I will never understand that man.

In fact, why wasn’t this national nightmare over in 2016 when we first heard the words, “Grab them by the pussy?” How can any self-respecting woman support anything about this smarmy, disgusting man, who just buried his first wife in a grave at his New Jersey golf club to save taxes? Yes, it’s true. She must be spinning the grave The Donald dug for her.

Sports: One day I am crying while watching the Yankees Old Timers Day ceremony. The next day I am saddened by the death of basketball legend and social icon Bill Russell. And now I am furious that Deshaun Watson received just a six-game suspension and no fine for allegedly sexually abusing/harassing more than two dozen women whom he hired for massages and then demanded more “services.” Six games? No financial consequences for the man who signed a five-year contract that guarantees him $230 million? We really don’t have any respect for women in this country, do we?

 

July 2022 Movies & More

Despite screen restrictions due to cataract surgery, I managed to squeeze in 15 Movies & More this month. All programs are rated on a scale of 1-5, with 5 the top rating. No 5s this month! New entries are marked with an * and the numbering picks up from the previous months.

93. The Suitcase Killer: The Melanie McGuire Story* (2022, Lifetime TV) – I remember this case – or, should I say, suitcase? – ripped from the Star-Ledger headlines. Fertility nurse Melanie McGuire (allegedly) murdered her husband and sent him off for a long trip by stashing his body in a set of suitcases she threw off a bridge. The lady meant business! I can’t justify it, either, but this overly-dramatic Lifetime version of the story paints the husband as a cheating spouse with a gambling problem, giving some justification (huh?) to Melanie’s actions. Besides, by then, she was having an affair with a doctor at the clinic. The whole thing is Lifetime at its best/worst, showcasing a tawdry story with inferior acting, writing, etc. You can pack up all your cares and woes more safely than this. 1 can.
94. Gone Baby Gone* (2007) – When 4-year-old Amanda goes missing, her irresponsible mother (Amy Ryan) seems less concerned about the child than her Aunt Bea (Amy Madigan) and her brother Lionel (Titus Welliver). They are not happy with the police investigation, so Bea decides to get some publicity and brings in private detectives Patrick (Casey Affleck) and his partner/girlfriend Angie (Michelle Monaghan) to work with the cops. The police on the case (Ed Harris, John Ashton and chief of the unit Morgan Freeman) seem cooperative, but Patrick and Angie have some inside connections that help them make more progress. Just when you think the case has reached an end, you find out that it is far from over. This drama gives us the Boston suburbs full of tough-talking characters who have their own agendas. There are twists and lies and an ethical dilemma that are unexpected and engrossing. Casey’s brother Ben co-wrote and directed the movie and gave little brother a gripping part. 4 cans.
95. 37 Words* (2022, ESPN) – This is a four-part documentary tracing the origins of the legislation known as Title IX and its influence on expanding and insuring the rights of women to be treated fairly by institutions receiving federal funds. The legislation covers all activities in which women participate, which includes sports (which is not actually listed). The forces behind the legislation and its implementation – including efforts by some to get around it to protect sports like college football – are clearly depicted. I have seen several programs on this subject since 2022 marks 50 years since its passage, but this one is by far the best. 4 cans.
96. Carrier (2008, PBS) – Since I’m trapped I the house recovering from cataract surgery and I have to avoid bright light, this seemed like a good time to rewatch this documentary series on PBS. I knew nothing about life on an aircraft carrier, but I do now. This thorough and engrossing program introduces the viewer to the people on the ship, their jobs, their lives and their aspirations. They include a 21-year old who finds out on the ship that his new girlfriend is having his baby; a tough-minded enlisted man who loves to salsa dance; plenty of pilots who love to fly and many more. I felt compassion and pride for many of them. This is a very appealing series that was worth watching a second time. 4 cans.
97. Watergate: High Crimes in the White House* (2022, CBS) – It has been more than 50 years since the Democratic National Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, DC, was broken into by a group of five men who turned out to have connections in high places. What did President Richard Nixon know and when did he know it? This documentary traces the story from that break-in through the Nixon resignation in August of 1974, after the “smoking gun” of the Watergate tapes revealed his complicity. Absolutely fascinating. 4 cans.
98. Funny Girl* (2022, Broadway) – The original cast album of this show and of the movie played constantly in my house in the 60s. My mother saw the show early in its Broadway run and felt as if she had “discovered” Barbra Streisand, the transcendent talent who played Fanny Brice on stage and in her movie debut. To state the obvious, the star of this revival, Beanie Feldstein, is NOT Barbra Streisand. Nor should she be. But she's a damn fine Fanny Brice, with excellent comic chops, dance skills that carry her through relatively modest choreography and a fun tap number and a voice that handles the iconic numbers like “People” and “Don't Rain on My Parade” with power and authority. I think she has been unfairly criticized out of a comparison with the incomparable Barbra. This is an entertaining and enjoyable show that was well worth seeing, even with my protective post-cataract glasses and despite having to occasionally shield my eyes from the light. Feldstein was a controversial choice to play the lead and received tepid reviews from the critics and some audiences, but I was pleasantly surprised since my expectations were so low. Jane Lynch was also very good playing Fanny’s mother and leading the characters on Henry Street. Not the best show I have ever seen, but the nostalgia and the songs made my experience seeing it on the stage a good one. 3½ cans.
99. Yellowstone* (2018-2022, Peacock) –This series is about the Dutton family, headed by patriarch John (Kevin Costner), ranchers in Montana since they stole the land from the Native Americans generations earlier. John is determined to hold on to his ranch as business interests threaten to buy it up or acquire it through nefarious means so they can “improve the local economy” and their own interests by building an airport, casino, housing, hotels, a ski resort – anything that will line their pockets. The story reminded me of a much less melodramatic and campy “Dallas.” Costner is outstanding in his role as a steely but dedicated family man, a widower with grown children. His son Jamie is a smarmy lawyer and politician; daughter Beth is a ruthless and foul-mouthed executive who will do anything to protect her family; son Kaycee was born to ride horses and loves the land. There are good guys and bad guys and lots of horses and cattle. This show must cost a fortune to produce with all of the sets, the livestock, the horses and a million and one cowboy hats. I watched all four seasons while stuck in the house recovering from cataract surgery and now I eagerly await Season 5 when it debuts in the fall. 4 cans.
100. The Bear* (2022, Hulu) – No, this 8-episode series is not about wildlife – at least not in the conventional sense. This chaotic “dramedy” takes place at a family-owned casual Chicago restaurant that was inherited by acclaimed chef Carmen “Carmy” Berzatto (Jeremy Allen White, perfect in this role) when his older brother Michael committed suicide. The place is a mess. Bills haven’t been paid, there are debts to mobsters, health code violations, a fractured staff and Carmy feels a sense of obligation to make it all work. Once considered a rising star in the food world, Carmy’s new gig has him mostly preparing sandwiches and other non-fine dining. If you are looking for something relaxing to watch, this series is NOT for you. The frenetic pace of the kitchen, the unending demands on Carmy – who looks ready for a nervous breakdown most of the time – stand in the way of running an organized, successful business. If you watch this, don’t start when you are hungry. Carmy’s food looks mouth-watering, and the pastry chef is turning out some amazing looking baked goods. When Carmy hires young chef Sydney (Ayo Edebin), the whole place seems to improve, but it’s not long before the restaurant loses power and reverts to its old ways. If you can’t take the heat, you might want to stay out of this kitchen. I plan to go back for seconds. 4 cans.
101. Dopesick* (2021, Hulu) – This 8-part series is a scathing indictment of the real-life Sackler Family, owners of greed-driven Purdue Pharmaceuticals, purveyors of OxyContin, the pain drug that was used and abused by millions of Americans. The good guys here are the tireless assistant district attorneys and dedicated DEA officials, who pour over volumes of data to understand the addictive nature of the drug and get it off the market. The pharm guys are played as cartoon characters. The victims of the Oxy nightmare are shown as blue collar, uneducated people who got themselves hooked. This series is a sad testimony to off-label prescribing of drugs, the execs who kept coming up with stronger formulations while ignoring abuse data, and the sales reps who were rewarded by their ability to push the drug to doctors. Michael Keaton gives an understated performance as a doctor whose life is adversely affected by the powerful drug. 4 cans.
102. The Day the Music Died: The Story of Don McLean’s American Pie* (2021, Paramount TV +) – Devoting an hour and a half to a documentary about one song might seem excessive, but not when that single song is the classic Don McLean tune “American Pie.” Even if you aren’t old enough to remember the day the music died in 1959, you probably know the song well enough to sing along. McLean himself delights in telling the story about how he wrote his tribute to the three rock & roll giants who died in a plane crash in a cornfield in Clear Lake, Iowa – Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper. He got the idea and took his time until the words just started rushing out of him. When the song was released in 1972 no one thought the 8-and-a-half-minute opus would get any radio airplay, but listener demand made the stations play it in its entirety off McLean’s album. In this loving documentary, he even gets to meet Connie Valens, the sister of Ritchie, who was only 17 years old when he died. The song is about the fabric of America, and how the death of these three young, vibrant performers represents a changing society in America. Even though I will never understand all the lyrics (or why the last performance of the trio took place in the “Surf Ballroom” in Iowa), I thoroughly enjoyed listening to musicians discussing the iconic song and especially McLean himself recounting the magic he created. 3½ cans.
103. Where the Crawdads Sing* (2022, at the movies) – My BFF says that my reviews tend to run too long, so I’ll keep this one brief and not spoil the plot or the word count. If you have read the book, see the movie. If you haven’t read the book, see the movie. It is a compelling story in any format. 4 cans.
104. Non-Stop* (2014, HBO) – Word to the wise: Don’t travel on a plane, train or automobile with Liam Neeson, the taciturn and unlikely action star. Here he is an alcoholic air marshal who hates to fly. And that’s the least of his problems when he starts getting text messages from someone on his flight to London demanding $150 million or someone on the plane will be killed every 20 minutes. He has no idea who is sending the messages and who to trust. Some of this seemed a little far-fetched; I can barely turn around in an airplane lavatory, but Liam finds a way to fight a bad guy there. How did the bad guys get his text number? Impossibilities aside, this movie is non-stop in its approach to the landing. 3 cans.
104. In the Heights* (2022, live theater) – Here’s the thing about going to small, local theaters to see shows: The producers, designers and cast have to use considerable ingenuity to stage a show that might have originated in a big, Broadway theater and do it with a limited budget and stage size. At Music Mountain in Lambertville, NJ (more on that later), the people responsible for this production did a commendable job. This is the exuberant story of the immigrant Latino population living in “the Heights” – not quite Manhattan, not quite the Bronx. The main character is a young man who runs a bodega, while others work in the local hair salon, operate a taxi and limo service or just hustle. This is a Lin-Manuel Miranda production, so there is plenty of rap-style music and plenty of attitude. It is vibrant and colorful and the company did a terrific job. As for the venue, I think the last time I was there – when the building was called Lambertville Music Circus – was to see a concert by The Association (“Cherish” and “Never My Love” were their big hits) in 1969. The place is now comfortable, air conditioned and an excellent place to see a show. I’ll be back. 3½ cans.
105. Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris* (2022, Manville Cinema) – I was delighted to join the bouncy Mrs. Harris on her jaunt to Paris to achieve her dream of buying a haute couture gown from master couturier Christian Dior. A widow, Mrs. Harris (Lesley Manville – appropriately) has spent her life cleaning and caring for the rich and obnoxious of London, squirreling aside meager savings. One day she hits the number and realizes she can go to Paris and buy her dream dress. Of course, it is not that easy, but Mrs. Harris charms the famed designer and most of his staff. This story is a fantasy, especially in how she becomes the toast of Paris and saves the House of Dior. I found it unbelievable but enchanting, and the dress is absolutely stunning. 3½ cans.
106.  I Love That For You* (2022, Showtime) – Saturday Night Live alum Vanessa Bayer created, wrote and stars in this quirky series partially based on her own childhood experience with cancer. Her Joanna Gold bombs her audition for a slot on SVN, a home shopping network, but then lets it slip that she has cancer. Not exactly true, since she recovered from a childhood bout of leukemia and now, as an adult, is cancer-free. But it gets her the job at a place filled with phonies, show hosts with plastic good looks and relentless on-air cheer. She fits right in, an awkward young woman whose life experiences were stunted by disease but who worships the home shopping model and its hosts like Jackie (fellow SNL alum Molly Shannon) and who can pitch products and pity. Jenifer Lewis plays the tough-as-nails network boss. This is an office comedy on the order of “The Office” or “Mary Tyler Moore” but with a different vibe, fresh characters and an appealing Bayer, who walks on eggshells fearing that someone will figure out that she is actually healthy. Thanks to Xfinity for a free Showtime weekend so I could binge the whole thing. Not as good as “Hacks,” but worth seeing. 3½ cans.
107.  The First Lady* (2022, Showtime) – Three stellar actresses – Viola Davis, Gillian Anderson and Michelle Pfeiffer – have the unenviable task of portraying three women who are well-known to the American audience for their prominence as the First Lady. Davis, as Michelle Obama, probably has the narrowest lane since she is the most recent of the three and we know her well after watching her for eight years on TV as the first Black First Lady. Anderson is Eleanor Roosevelt, shown here as the conscience of her husband Franklin and very much her own woman. Pfeiffer’s Betty Ford is frustrated by the limitations of her role and her husband Gerald Ford’s handlers, who want her to stay clear of endorsing the ERA or taking positions that will cost him Republican votes in the 1976 election, which he lost to Jimmy Carter. All of the First Ladies come across as confined and trapped in their roles, with only Eleanor leading her own life. Their unelected positions are tricky to navigate, not entirely rewarding, and probably not something they would have sought on their own. Still, a fascinating look inside the White House, the marriages and the dreams of three strong women. This is an 8-part series that I can see having another season with three different First Ladies. Jackie Kennedy, anyone? 3½ cans.
 

The Eyes Have It

Note: Please excuse any typographical errors in this month's blog entry. Read on to understand.

Normally, I would never complain about too much sunshine. But since I had my first cataract surgery on June 29, there has been nary a cloud in the sky, just when I have to avoid the sun. My Alexa kept telling me that there was a 51 percent chance of rain one day and a 73 percent chance another day, even specifying hours, but she was mistaken. And since my surgery on the other eye on July 5, we have had nothing but more blue skies and plenty of sunshine headed our way, just when I have to avoid the light.

I’m told that almost all people of a certain age (translation = OLD) will need cataract surgery eventually. We all know people who can’t or won’t drive at night (raising my hand). I knew I was working on cataracts, but with my macular degeneration, the eye doctor assured me that cataracts were the least of my problems. And then we had a two-year pandemic stretch where I simply didn’t go anywhere at night. My Rutgers Women’s basketball games were cancelled or banned spectators, and I didn’t do much of anything that required night driving. This past season, we were back at the RAC again and I noticed a serious decline in my night vision. Even those yellow glasses they advertise on TV didn’t help reduce that glow around oncoming headlights. My retina doctor confirmed that the cataracts were no longer the least of my problems but had gone to the top of the list.

So, I went to the recommended doctor, filled out the medical history that demanded a list of previous surgeries that included even colonoscopies (as a colon cancer survivor, I had literally too many to list; I put down my most recent and a note that said “many prior to this date”), got an EKG and medical clearance and we set the dates.

You have to administer drops to your eyes the day before the surgery and for several weeks afterwards. They gave me a chart to check off when I put I the drops, and I copied it so I would have one for each eye – one of the best ideas suggested by my sister.

Here's the essence of the surgery: The doctor makes a small incision in your eye and removes the cloudy lens, replacing it with a tiny artificial lens. The procedure itself takes 5-10 minutes, though you are at a surgical center for a few hours getting numbing drops in your eye, an IV in your arm for a mild, short-lasting sedative, and trying to remain calm at the thought of someone slicing into your eye. They prop your eye open during surgery, so you can’t blink, and the whole thing is over in a flash, so to speak. You ARE awake, but the only pain you feel is from the rounds of drops they put into your eye to numb it. They sting a bit.

Then the fun begins.

They gave me special glasses and plastic eye shields to tape to my face to cover my eyes at night so I couldn’t rub it or whack myself in the eye with my pillow. Taping the plastic shields to my face was the only part of the instructions I did not follow religiously. I bought a soft satin eye mask at Ulta weeks before the surgery and I used that after a few nights with the shields.

You can’t rub your eye or let the shower hit you in the face. You can’t bend over or lift anything heavy, you are not allowed to exercise – I wonder how long I can milk that one? – and you can drive if you feel comfortable doing that, which I am trying today.

The benefits of the surgery are immediately noticeable. I “watched” tennis at Wimbledon, even though all I could see initially was two figures in white on a big green background. The colors were so vibrant that it seemed like I had a new TV. And everything is so much brighter! Opening the refrigerator seems blinding to me. I tried working on my computer but the brightness of the screen was overwhelming and I couldn’t see the controls to figure out how to dim it. The eyestrain was immense and nearly debilitating, and you can’t rub your eyes!  I am writing this blog post in short segments since I can’t tolerate looking at the computer screen for too long without eyestrain.

I guess my eyes were much worse than I knew, but the decline in vision happens gradually, so you don’t realize how bad it gets until you get it fixed.

Like my hero, Tina Turner, I never do anything “nice and easy,” and this surgery was especially rough because I got the top-of-the-line, “light adjustable” lenses. I know dozens of people who have had cataract surgery but no one who has had these kinds of lenses. They cost an extra $5000 each, but my doctor assured me that J&J’s insurance plan would cover them, a fact that I verified before I agreed to have them implanted. He tells me that because the lenses are adjustable, I have a better chance of reaching optimal vision than with a fixed lens that they have to estimate is the best prescription for the patient.

These light adjustable lenses don’t dim when you walk into a bright room. The adjustable part takes place in the doctor’s office, where he applies a light that reshapes the lens to the prescription of choice – we hope. Several weeks after the eye heals from the surgery, the doctor makes a series of adjustments before the prescription is “locked in,” which means that’s the final one. No going back now! My first adjustment is at the end of July, three weeks after surgery. Until this process is through, I won't know whether I will need glasses, reading glasses or no glasses. Please give me the name of a good plastic surgeon to remove those bags under my eyes if that is the case!

Meanwhile, I have to avoid any exposure to UV light. The doctor told me that exposure to the sun could alter the implanted lens, so I have to wear those special protective glasses for at least a month to make sure that doesn’t happen. I have a set of protective sunglasses, clear glasses and one pair with a small bi-focal lens to help me see while the prescription is not finalized. I also have two pairs of protective “overglasses” – sunglasses and clear ones – that fit over my reading glasses so I can do work on the computer for brief periods. The doctor told me I had to wear them at all times and I am taking that seriously; I have them on at night, in a dark room, while I watch TV before bed. I went to see “Funny Girl” on Broadway this week (tickets I had had for months) and spent much of the play with my head down, covering my eyes with my hand to avoid the harsh stage lights. It was so sunny on the bus on the way home that I took my ever-present face mask and used it to cover my eyes. Hey – it worked. The doc put the fear of God in me, and I am in the running to be his most compliant patient ever, even if I look like Mr. Magoo in the interim.

Now I wash my face in the sink without bending over, take a shower with no lights on (I can’t wear the glasses in the shower!) and tilt my head back so water doesn’t hit me in the eye. I don’t open the shades or the windows and I go outside to water the plants just before dusk to avoid sunlight as much as possible. 

Despite the restrictions, I have found a way to muddle through. I made some meals before the surgery to have on hand, and I made zucchini parm with one eye after the first surgery. Not my best effort, but it was fresh and cheesy and acceptable under the circumstances. And I even shaved my legs – slowly and ever-so-carefully – in the shower. Let’s face it, now I can see the hair!

I have enlarged the font on my phone so I can read texts, and my Kindle now has about 10 words on a page. The book I am reading will have about 2000 pages this way, but if I can read, that’s a win in my book. I can’t see well enough yet to file my nails, but a friend took me for a much-needed mani-pedi, so I was thrilled. The polish looks more vibrant than ever.

Going through this experience gave me a whole new empathy for people who have any kind of visual impairment. When I am up to it, I will write a letter to People Magazine to tell them that the light font they use in the magazine is difficult to read for anyone with these kinds of issues. I thought so before the surgery and it’s much worse now. I started watching the series “The Old Man” on TV and had to stop because so much of it was filmed in the dark. (This has been one of my pet peeves for years; on TV sets, all offices are lit by lamps for mood, but I have never worked in an office or facility that didn’t have bright overhead lights). I simply could not see what was happening on the screen.

It is tougher to see when I first wake up, but my sight improves as the day does on. The guide on the TV screen is way too small and I can’t see what I recorded on the DVR. I think of it as wandering around with the wrong prescription until the adjustments are made.

I also found out that my right eye has been slacking off for years! The first surgery was on my left eye, so the right eye had to carry the load. If I were grading it, I’d give it a C-. 

In the end, I should be seeing better than I have in years. I can already see that my hair is much more gray than I thought it was! And I should even be able to tell the difference between black and blue for the first time in years. I’m especially looking forward to being able to drive at night again and not to have to impose on other people for rides. And since the cataracts have nothing to do with my macular degeneration, my monthly injections for that will continue. I’m always seeking rides there, too, just in case you have a few hours to kill.

Although the doctor briefed me on what to expect, there was so much more than I could have anticipated (hence this public service blog post). This whole experience is like one of those signs on the highway that say, “Temporary Inconvenience – Permanent Improvement.” Let’s hope so!