Marching On

At this point in my life, every body part either itches, aches or no longer works like it is supposed to work.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I still get startled when I press the spoon on the seam of the Crescent Roll package and the dough pops out.

If you are a regular reader, you know about my addiction to “Dateline” and other true-crime mysteries. But there’s something that I don’t understand. We know the authorities can easily trace anyone’s location by checking the pings on a cell phone tower, so, if someone is about to commit a crime, why not leave the cell phone home? That way, the criminal can claim he was home and has cell phone data to back up his alibi. Uh, oh – I’m starting to think like a killer!

I love a nap when I wake up not knowing where I am, what time it is (even what day it is) – even if it was only 20 minutes in length. And then I’m up at 4 AM, twiddling my thumbs and watching murder mysteries on “Dateline.”

My friend Kathy Duff works at Staples and reported this recent exchange with a customer:
    “A customer came in looking for ID badge holders, but we didn't have the type that he wanted.”
HIM:        "Maybe I'll just go to Staples."
KATHY:    "Sir, you are in Staples."
HIM:        "No I'm not. This is Home Depot."
KATHY:    "Ok...let me know if there is anything else I can help you with."
Kathy was wearing her name badge, clearly marked STAPLES, while speaking with the customer. Now I understand why my father’s only career advice to me was, “Don’t go into retail.”

I know they say that Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are accepted after they expire but hanging on to ones from 2007 might be pushing it just a little. I have so many that I'm making them part of my estate when I pass.

Every three weeks my cleaning person comes in and makes the whole house sparkle, especially the kitchen. So, on that day, I never want to cook and mess up the stove. Now I just need an excuse not to cook every other day of the month.

I can’t believe that after 2 years of participating in Zoom meetings, people still have their cameras pointing up their noses, sit in front of a window so they appear in silhouette or leave themselves on MUTE when speaking. Come on, people, you should have mastered this by now! Can’t you see yourself on the screen? I can, and it’s not pretty!

I object to people who leave their number on a voice mail message but do it so fast that I have to play the recording multiple times to get it down. I, on the other hand, state my name and number clearly and slowly – mostly because I can’t remember my number! It seems that I am being considerate, but it just takes me a while to retrieve it from the filing cabinet in my head! After all, who calls their own home phone if they live alone?

At this point, do we still need to hear instructions on how to leave a voice mail message (“leave your message after the tone”) for a friend? I’ll accept the “You have reached so & so,” or “I can’t answer your call right now, so leave me a message”) part, but is there anyone on earth who doesn’t know the part about leaving the message after the tone?

And speaking of messages, does every recorded message have to include the phrase, “Listen carefully because our options have changed”? How often do these options change anyway? And do these folks think I knew the last options?

I also object to people whose voicemail boxes are full or who don’t check their US mail. I guess the only way to reach some people is to text them or show up on their doorstep.

Fifty years ago, Carole King’s masterpiece album, “Tapestry” took home a slew of Grammys, including Song of the Year for “You’ve Got a Friend.” I almost played the grooves off the vinyl on that record and still consider it among my favorites.

Why is it that I sneeze in the morning? I rarely sneeze at other times of the day, but my morning sneezes are part of my routine. My mother used to sneeze when she went into the kitchen to make dinner. We decided that she was allergic to cooking.

If I had a dollar for every bagel I have sliced in my time, well, I’d have a lot of dollars. And so far, I’m proud to say, nary a knife-inflicted cut on my fingers.

My 2014 car came out just before many of the technology advances that are now common in cars. And maybe that’s just as well. When I picked it up, the sales guy set and showed me how to change the color of the interior lights, which I immediately dismissed, knowing I would never change them. Within 10 minutes, I had the radio programmed for my favorite stations. I can turn on the heated seats and I know how to work the flashers. And while my car isn’t so old that it requires a crank to start it, it does have a key fob that I have to put up against the ignition (there isn’t an actual key). Recently, I dropped the car off for service and was given a loaner, a peppy little 2022 model. I couldn’t figure out how to change the radio station because there are a thousand little buttons and arrows. There is a “key” that goes nowhere except in your pocket, and you press a button to start and turn off the car. Was having an actual key such a burden? It’s not like you don’t need one for the new cars; you just don’t need to insert it into the ignition. Great, I saved a second! My loaner car had bells and whistles and complications that are enough to dissuade me from ever getting a new car again. Maybe I’ll just wait for one of those self-driving cars, so I can read while I ride. Does everything new-fangled have to be so counter-intuitive and complicated? Look out: Someone is showing her age (and age-related crankiness).

I am plagued these days by “tumbleweeds.” What? There is a cornfield behind my street and the farmer did not plow the field under at the end of the growing season, so the tops of the stalks are blowing between the houses on my street and winding up in front of our garage doors, in the bushes and covering the walkways. They are impossible to remove completely because they are wispy and it is hard to grab more than a few at a time. The other day they were calf-high on the way to the front door. As soon as the wind blows, there they go. I no sooner gather them up from one side of the garage door then they blow on the other side. And on a windy day, they blow into the garage when I open the door. I even found some that worked their way into the laundry room. This isn’t a community-wide problem because not everyone backs up to the cornfield, but for those of us who do, the tumbleweeds are a game we can’t win. I feel like I am living in the Little House on the Prairie.

Duke Men’s Hall of Fame Basketball Coach Mike Krzyzewski is retiring at the end of the season after a 42-year career in which he and his teams won several National Championships and numerous other accolades. He leaves as the winningest coach of all time in college basketball. His achievements have been truly remarkable. But the biggest one to me is that he got everyone to pronounce his name as “Sha-shef-ski” for all this time. How do you get that SH sound from a bunch of Ks? I’m guessing that pronunciation came from his family’s place of origin, which I believe is Poland. In any case, congrats to Coach K on a stellar career.

It’s March, and you know what that means to a basketball fan – March Madness. My beloved Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team had a losing season (despite hustling and working so hard) and isn’t playing in the post-season. But the Rutgers Men got into the NCAA Tournament, or at least into the “play-in” game. If they beat Notre Dame on Wednesday (as we write this), they go on to play Alabama. My fingers are crossed that their season continues. It’s madness, after all.


 

February 2022 Movies & More

There were lots of "whodunits" in this month's collection of movies & more, and even a Broadway show! All entries are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna fish, with 5 the top ranking. Numbering picks up from previous months and things I had not seen previously are marked with an asterisk. 

16.  The Gospel According to Andre* (2017, HBO) – Andre Leon Talley, who died earlier this year, was always in fashion. As a journalist who adored supporting new designers, Tally understood current fashion and the history of fashion. This documentary features extensive interviews with him and we get to watch as he highlights iconic designers and works with the diva of fashion journalism, Diana Vreeland of Vogue, and later Anna Wintour. He was the first African American news director and creative director for Vogue, where he later served as an editor at large. His Southern roots and life as a child with his grandmother influenced his outlook (and his love of hats). Andre was larger than life in every respect, and never out of style. 3½ cans.
17.  And Just Like That* (2021, HBO Max) – For a while there, I thought this limited series, a follow-up to the gem “Sex and the City,” would tarnish the reputation of the long-running HBO series with devout New Yorkers Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker), Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and Charlotte (Kristin Davis) – if the last SATC movie hadn’t done enough damage already. Our favorite fashionistas are in their 50s now, about the game age today as “The Golden Girls” were when they started their series, but the comparison ends there. These women are still raucous – although without the fourth member, Samantha (Kim Cattrall), they aren’t nearly as randy. This season – which could be the first or the last – showed all of the women going through big changes, starting in episode 1, where Carrie’s now long-time husband, Big (actually named John), dies of a heart attack after a rigorous workout on his Peloton bike. Carrie wins the adjustment contest as she gets through a year of loss and exploration. So as not to spoil the rest of the series for anyone who wants to and hasn’t seen it yet, I’ll just say that there are plenty of adjustments to be made. I wasn’t a big fan of this new series up until the last episode, which made me appreciate the bonds between these dear friends – even if they can’t all get it together in the end. Kudos to Sarah Jessica Parker for playing Carrie as a woman who realizes that her life will never be the same but will endure. The lamp in the last episode made me love at least the finale if not the entire season. 3½ cans.
18.  And Just Like That – The Documentary* (2022, HBO Max) – This documentary is a love letter about the reconstituted “Sex & the City” sequel “And Just Like That,” delving into the relaunch this season with plenty of homage paid to the past – particularly the storied wardrobe that was integral to the Carrie Bradshaw persona. The clothing has been lovingly retained and is as welcomed back as an old friend, both by the behind-the-scenes staff and star Sarah Jessica Parker herself. I love seeing how these things come together, so this film was right up my alley. 3½ cosmos.
19.  Breaking News in Yuba County* (2021, Hulu) – Sue Buttons (Allison Janney) is not having a good birthday. First, the store has messed up her name on the cake she had to order for herself.  Second, her dolt of a husband fails to acknowledge her special day. And things only get worse in this black comedy with a twisty plot and stellar cast. Maybe the news media will pay attention to Sue when she reports her husband missing and goes on air to explain the break-in in her house and the alleged kidnapping of her spouse. She doesn’t know that he has been laundering money for some pretty bad folks, all while having an affair. If you like quirky plots and characters and don’t mind a lot of shooting and deaths, this one’s for you. Anything Allison Janney is in is good enough for me. 3½ cans.
20.  The Tinder Swindler* (2022, Netflix) – Of course you would swipe right when you got a look on the dating app Tinder at Simon, the handsome son of a billionaire in the diamond business. And he didn’t disappoint, whisking first dates away by private jet to 5-star hotels, driving expensive cars and wearing designer clothes. The first date was followed by attentive phone calls, texts, messages of love and a future together. Yet, as his fascinating documentary reveals, Simon was not exactly what he portrayed himself to be. Promises of a lavish and loving future were followed by the request of money to tide him over – purportedly from his “enemies,” but more realistically to finance his next courtship. I don’t know how serial cheaters can keep all their women straight, and, in this case, how Simon could coax them into taking out huge loans and turning over their life savings to “help” him. This is the story of three of his victims, and it was totally engrossing. I couldn’t figure out why none of the women encouraged Simon to simply ask his billionaire father for the money he swore he needed and would pay back, but I guess love is blind after all. 4 cans and at least twice as many years behind bars for this con man – or so I would hope.
21.  My Blue Heaven (1990, HBO) – Vinny Antonelli (Steve Martin) is placed into the Witness Protection Program so that he can safely testify against his fellow mobsters, except, in Vinny’s case, changing his name to Terry and suddenly residing in the suburbs is more than he can handle (he looks absurdly funny wearing his sharkskin suit to mow the lawn).  Keeping a low profile is not in Vinny’s wheelhouse, so, despite his own personal FBI man (Rick Moranis) assigned to keep him out of trouble, a dedicated but lonely prosecutor (Joan Cusack) working to get his testimony, and a legion of family and fellow mobster friends, Vinny is out and about, ordering new suits and buying them for his FBI guy, trying to tip the airline flight attendant and, well, just being Vinny. This is a silly little movie, but Martin’s performance transcends the material. He is all twitchy and full of swag and really hard not to like. I couldn’t take my eyes off Martin’s hair, which was brown and spiky instead of his trademark white locks. 3 cans.
22.  The Queen of Basketball* (2021, YouTube) – Back in the 1970s, just after Title IX was passed to give collegiate women the same opportunities in athletics as men had already enjoyed, one woman stood head and shoulders above the rest. Lucia “Lucy” Harris, a native of Mississippi and the daughter of sharecroppers, enrolled at Delta State and helped women’s basketball begin its rise. This documentary, told by Lucy herself, shows her leading the Lady Statesmen to three consecutive AIAW championships (the NCAA had not yet taken over women’s sports), dethroning the Mighty Macs of tiny Immaculata College. At 6’3”, Lucy dominated in the paint and on at least one occasion, outscored the opposing team all by herself. Although she played in the Olympics and was drafted by the NBA’s New Orleans Saints, Lucy saw her playing career end. You cannot appreciate the history of women’s basketball without paying homage to the late, great Lucia Harris, who died earlier this year. Thanks to NBA great Shaquille O’Neal for producing this short (22 minutes), sweet but sad look at one of the best basketball players ever. 3½ cans.
23.  Spencer* (2021, free on Hulu) – In the beginning of this morose look at young Princess Diana, she is driving through the British countryside alone in a sports car, unaccompanied by security or attendants, and lost – even though her former family home was in the area. She is lost in much of the rest of the movie, too. Let’s face it, many people don’t like spending the holidays with the family, but, in this case, Diana (Kristen Stewart) is stuck in a cold house (the Royals eschew turning up the heat and would rather distribute blankets) where she is told when to eat, what to wear (a rack of clothing is rolled into her room, all labeled by day and activity) and who will be at her service. The servants are warned that “they can hear us” and Diana might just as well sing “Every Breath You Take,” because everyone is watching every move she makes. Scorned for her eating disorder by her estranged husband, Prince Charles (Jack Farthing), who has already moved on with Camila, Diana is left alone to fantasize about misbehaving and getting out. Her only solace is the brief opportunity to spend time with her boys, young Princes William and Harry. She is a prisoner in a gilded cage, eager and helpless to escape. The whole movie is unsettling, with spooky music and evil characters, and it portrays a kind of medieval torture of a vibrant young woman who is forced to follow a path she never quite understood or accepted. 3½ cans.
24.  Marry Me* (2022, free on Peacock and also playing in theaters) – It’s Valentine’s Day season, so what we need is a sweet and frothy rom-com – and this one delivers. Pop superstar Kat Valdez (Jennifer Lopez) is about to marry the love of her life, Latin singer Bastian (Maluma) on stage at Madison Square Garden when she finds out he has cheated on her with her assistant. She impulsively turns to a random guy in the audience holding up a sign saying “Marry Me,” the megahit she wrote and performs with Bastian, and hauls him up on stage to be the substitute groom. The guy is Charlie (Owen Wilson), a nerdy math teacher in NY, divorced and the father of a 12-year old girl.  Kat’s life is a series of photoshoots, commercials, concerts, appearances on TV and pretty much what you imagine Lopez’ actual life to be, especially since she and former flame Ben Affleck have reunited. So where does this leave sweet, nice, leader of the Mathletes Charlie? The man still has a flip phone, after all. Can two people so completely different find common ground? Lopez, who has been trying to convince us all that she’s still Jenny from the block for years, does a great job of being both the celebrated star and a pretty normal woman (considering the circumstances), and Wilson is a goofy, lovable guy who helps to ground her. There are adorable scenes at his school and elsewhere as Kat tries to figure out what is best for her. As rom-coms go, this isn’t exactly “When Harry Met Sally,” but it is sweet and cute and the leads are irresistible. 3½ cans.
25.  Inventing Anna* (2022, Netflix) – You can’t make this stuff up, though the disclaimer on this fact-based limited series says they did – at least some of it. This series is about Anna Delvey (Julia Garner), a Russian (or is she German?) socialite heiress who may be broke but spends lavishly on herself and on her friends while trying to bilk millions from US banks and investment firms so she can start her cooler-than-cool exclusive club. But her credit cards are denied at the four-star hotels she frequents and there are problems with wire transfers – and the dog ate my homework. What a brazen conniver, who could lie straight in someone’s face and almost get away with it. The other half of this story is about journalist Vivian Kent (Anna Chumsky), who is so hell-bent on getting Anna’s story and she practically ignores the imminent birth of her child so she can complete writing it for the magazine where she works. Both Anna and Vivian are desperate in their own ways and they strike up a grudging kind of friendship. This is one fascinating story that didn’t have to be nine parts (each runs an hour) to be complete. I think six episodes could have done the trick. I watched it over three days, but if you really have no life, binge it. It is bingeworthy. And completely true. Except for the parts they made up. 4 cans.
26.  Death of the Nile* (2022, at the movies) – Kenneth Branaugh has created a stylish whodunit murder mystery with himself as director and famed detective Hercule Poirot. Though it takes about an hour for death to be a part of this story, when it happens, it happens not just once, leaving a host of suspects and more potential victims. The lush setting is a riverboat on the Nile, where glamorous Linnet (Gal Gadot) and her handsome husband Simon (Armie Hammer) have taken their wedding guests to celebrate their honeymoon. The scenery is stunning and the plot compelling as in most Agatha Christie mysteries as Poirot is asked to not only solve the case but to prevent more murder and mayhem. And now we know why Poirot wears that big mustache, too. 4 cans.
27.  Imposters, Season 1* (2017, Netflix) – Netflix has demonstrated a predilection of late to air programs about people who pretend to be something/someone they are not (See “The Tinder Swindler” and “Inventing Anna”).  And I’m all in. This drama/comedy series gives us 10 episodes in which the twists and turns, and, more importantly, the cons, never stop. Ezra Bloom seems like a nice guy who is totally in love with his beautiful Belgian wife, Ava – until one day when she cleans out their bank accounts and leaves him with nothing more than a website message and a folder containing family secrets that she swears she will reveal if he comes looking for her. It turns out, he wasn’t her only mark. I won’t spoil the ride here because this series is fast-paced and fun to watch. Season 2 is now out, and I’m in! 4 cans.
28.  Kareem: Minority of One* (2015, HBO) – It would be hard to overlook Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. At 7’1”+, he stands head and shoulders above most of his contemporaries as an athlete, an activist and as the NBA’s all-time leading scorer. This HBO film does a thorough job of documenting his life from grade school through to 2000, from then Lew Alcindor dominating New York City high school basketball, taking his skills to UCLA to play for the legendary John Wooden and his championships with the Bucks and Lakers. When the NCAA outlawed dunks, he developed his signature “Sky Hook,” which his competitors like Larry Bird called “unstoppable.” But this film does more than cover his basketball career; it explains his name change and religious beliefs, talks about his family and his activism. He really is one of the more interesting and compelling figures of his time. 4 cans.
29.  All About Eve (1950, Cable TV) – This movie is made the way movies used to be made, with crackling dialog, fierce performances (see Davis, Bette) and actual plots. Bette is Margo Channing, temperamental Broadway star, world-weary bon vivant and demanding boss of her minions and her man (Gary Merrill). Then along comes star-struck Eve Harrington (Anne Baxter), destined to worship Margo, who willingly accepts her adulation without initially discerning her ulterior motives. When Margo begins to understand the plot here and utters her famous line, “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night,” it is game on. This is a classic, must-see movie. 4½ cans.
30.  MJ: The Musical* (Broadway) – I returned to Broadway for the first time in more than two years to see this spectacular musical about Michael Jackson. Every iconic move, dazzling outfit, hat and glove is there to recall the immensely talented Jackson from the time he started with his brothers as the Jackson 5 to his emergence as the King of Pop. There were so many songs made famous by or written by Michael Jackson and all are performed with flare. This isn’t exactly like the “jukebox” musicals that have dominated Broadway since Mama Mia gave us the Abba catalog with a contrived script. It revolves around Michael’s upcoming “Dangerous” tour while also showing his show-biz roots and early successes. He seems haunted, childlike and determined to deliver his best – despite the cost. This show is decidedly not “The Music Man,” but it packs powerhouse performances and every bit of the Michael Jackson we choose to remember. 4 cans.

February Bits and Pieces

I don’t play Wordle, the new game that has gained enough popularity that it was just purchased by The New York Times, but I sure see that my friends do. Honestly, I don’t care about your Wordle score, so do you have to post it every day? I hope the originator runs out of 5-letter words!

I realized on February 2 that this month has a 2/2/22 and also a 2/22/22. Maybe I should play the lottery with those numbers – not that I know how to play the lottery!

I have been watching the sumptuous “The Gilded Age” on TV and I’m here to say that bustles do no one any favors. The hats, however, are superb.

Just wondering: Does anyone ever actually put gloves in the glove compartment of their car?

The Super Bowl, the one day all year when everybody uses Roman numerals.

It’s not so much the cooking I mind, it’s the clean-up. On second thought, I mind the cooking, too.

Of all the knives I have in my kitchen – some expensive and many professionally sharpened – my go-to knife is one I bought from a TV infomercial decades ago. It is serrated, never needs sharpening, and has dissected many a bagel in its time. It was worth the sleepless night that led me to watch the infomercial in the first place.

Hotdogs are the only food I prefer well done. My mother always overcooked everything and once even burned the soup – which she denied, saying that you can’t burn soup (I beg to differ). When she would overcook or burn dinner, her standard reply was, “Everybody eats it like that.” And if I went further in my objection, she would say, “Maybe your next mother will be better.” I miss those clever retorts!

I wish you could have seen me yesterday. I had such a good hair day. Too bad no one got to witness it but me!

I threw caution and Lipitor to the wind this week when I ate a grapefruit. Because I’m on Lipitor for my cholesterol, I’m supposed to avoid eating grapefruit because of an interaction with the drug, but once a year I indulge myself. The young folks might call this YOLO – You Only Live Once – but young folks don’t care about grapefruit and probably aren’t taking Lipitor.

Snow days seemed like such a gift when I was growing up. My sister and I would huddle around the radio, waiting for Jack Ellery on WCTC to announce the name of our school in the list of school closings: Sayreville, Somerville! South Amboy! We would hear the town fire whistle blow at exactly 7 AM (or was it 7:30?), letting us know that school was closed for the day (it was a small town with a really LOUD fire whistle). Back then, it had to be a REAL snowstorm, not some mamby-pamby little dusting that makes schools declare closings the night before, only to have virtually no snow, or at least none worth closing school. Those were the days, my friends.

I truly don’t understand the issue with children consuming Tide Pods. I can’t even get the package open, and, when I do, I can’t get it closed. Just store them up high, folks, where even I can’t reach them. 

And speaking of packaging, is it just me or are things getting harder to open? I’m not talking about the blister packs that protect batteries from God-knows-what and practically require the jaws of life to pry apart. Even the package of my Panera brand chicken dish required me to stab it with a knife like a murderer just to pop it into the microwave. I know we all have problems opening those flimsy produce bags in the supermarket, but I am talking about packaging that we find on so many everyday things that could survive a nuclear holocaust. Remember how exhausting it was to unwrap a CD? Things have only gotten worse. I used three utensils, including a screwdriver, to try to pry the top off of my fruit salad container. In five more minutes, I was going to call for the jaws of life.

I keep seeing Sonic ads for patty melts. Aren’t these nothing more than a cheeseburger on toasted bread instead of a bun, or a grilled cheese with a hamburger?

Anyone who is an expert in technology should be called a techspert. I guess that means if you are really good at sex, you should be called a sexpert.

It is impossible to wear a sweater with long, flared sleeves and not get it wet – unless you don’t wash your hands all day. Yuck!

Remember when you couldn’t use deodorant after you shaved your underarms because it would sting too much? Remember shaving your underarms? Now I have to remember NOT to wear deodorant on the day I go for a mammogram. I literally HIDE the deodorant so I don’t inadvertently use it.

I know we all have a million decisions to make, some lifechanging and others as simple as choosing a color in the nail salon. But that is not a simple decision. I know this choice shouldn’t seem so hard, but there are a zillion colors. There’s the actual color – which could look vastly different in the salon vs. outside in the natural light – and then the option of colors that sparkle and shine or having “nail art” done on your finger, and whether your fingers should match your toes if you’re also getting a pedicure. A friend of mine told me about one occasion where she had her nails done and drove down the street to a different salon to have the polish removed and just have a “color change,” not a full manicure. (She was too embarrassed to ask the original salon to do it.) All of this just proves my motto: “Nothing is easy.”

What is the proper etiquette for sneezing these days? I’m still wearing a mask everywhere I go, and if I am with other people and have to sneeze, I feel like a criminal. Plus, sneezing with the mask on is really unpleasant. Should I remove it and sneeze into my elbow? Or keep it on and have to contend with a wet mask?

I’m ending this month on a serious note, saluting my old friend Sally Lapelosa, who passed away at age 89 on January 31. I knew of Sally from J&J, where she was one of the few women in charge of anything when she ran administrative services. She had a reputation as a tough but fair lady, and one who got the job done right. Legions of people who started in the mailroom worked under Sally and could tell you she was a formidable force. I got to be friends with her via Rutgers Women’s Basketball, where she was a long-time season ticket holder and ardent fan. When she spotted me alone at a tournament, surrounded by UConn fans and in hostile territory, she made me switch my seat and come and sit with the official fan club, the Cagers Club, an army of scarlet-clad adults who followed the team. Sally, our late friend Rose and I often hit the road together, going to Georgetown or Villanova, to Oklahoma, Puerto Rico, St. Thomas and El Paso. Sally was with me when Rutgers won the WNIT Championship in 2014, and she was sitting so close to the team she might have been mistaken for a coach. She knew enough about basketball to be one. She stopped traveling in recent years, but we stayed in touch, met for lunch at Fresco’s in East Brunswick, near her home, and often talked on the phone about basketball, business and life. It will take me a while to get adjusted to not picking up the phone to discuss the team’s latest game or a news story about J&J. Sally, it was a great ride, and now you are with a special team watching over the Rutgers Scarlet Knights from the best seat in the house. I miss my friend.
 

January 2022 Movies & More

Hello, movie lovers! Here we go for another year of movies and more, most of which have been seen in the comfort of my living room. This month features my personal Sidney Poitier Film Festival, reality shows, several excellent documentaries and a few regular old movies. All are rated on a scale of one to five cans of tuna fish (Bumble Bee only!) and the ones marked with an asterisk are ones I had not seen previously.

1.  Love Hard* (2021, Netflix) – Natalie (Nina Dobrev) has no luck on the dating scene, but she has parlayed her romantic failures into a popular column on a website. So, when she swipes right (or is it left, I have no idea) on Josh, 30 (Jimmy O. Yang), she is surprised to see he seems like the perfect guy for her. They talk on the phone and she impulsively takes off for Lake Placid to spend Christmas with Josh and his family. But Josh isn’t quite the man she thought he was, and through a series of convoluted circumstances inserted to make the movie work, she ends up staying and playing his girlfriend while she pursues the guy she thought was Josh. Lost yet? This movie is light and cute, in contrast to a few more intense movies I watched to close the year. If you don’t see the end coming, you haven’t seen nearly enough rom-coms in your life. 3 cans.
2.  Queer Eye, Season 6* (2021, Netflix) – The new season finds the tribe of gay men out to transform the bad haircuts and no-confidence people of Austin, Texas. Bobby redesigns their homes or workplaces; Tan reworks the wardrobes; Jonathan is in charge of grooming; Antoni is the cooking expert; Karamo handles culture. What seems like a silly show I learned 5 seasons ago is uplifting and hopeful, as this season the Fab 5 help a reticent baker, a cowboy living in a barn, a man still grieving for his deceased wife and a woman who runs a honkytonk but can’t get her house together, among others. This show is much more than a haircut and a coat of paint. It is a new lease on life for people who have stopped paying attention to themselves and their own dreams. 4 cans and a good haircut.
3.  Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It* (2021, Netflix) – Rita Moreno is a bold, outspoken, frank woman whose show business story spans 70 years. Much in the news now because of the release of a new version of her signature work, “West Side Story,” Moreno, who won an Oscar as Anita in the original, has a huge body of work and plenty of stories to tell in this documentary. A native of Puerto Rico, Rita came to the US as a child and seemed destined for show business. She relates stories about misogyny, racism and other battles she had to fight to avoid constantly being stereotyped as the Latina, the Native American or other minorities. She parlayed her talent into being one of the few performers to win an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy and a Tony Award. She also tells of her long relationship with actor Marlon Brando, her use of therapy, her marriage to a Jewish doctor who had no idea who she was when they met, and other juicy tidbits. She is feisty and not afraid to speak her truth. 3½  cans.
4.  The Tender Bar* (2021 Netflix) – Ben Affleck plays a philosophical bartender on Long Island (not Boston for once) who is like a father to his 9-year-old nephew JR (the initials don’t stand for anything, as you will hear repeatedly), the only child of a busy mother. They are part of a big, sprawling family which always seems to crash at the grandfather’s dilapidated house (Christopher Lloyd). Affleck’s Uncle Charlie guides the young boy with important rules for men growing up and the kid is an eager learner. Uncle Charlie has books behind the bar and gives out as much wisdom as beers, so the kid is exposed to plenty of literature, leading him to aspirations of becoming a writer. While JR’s largely absent father pops up every now and then, the results are generally a let-down for the child. His real family is in that beat-up house and the regulars at the bar. Somehow, I wasn’t surprised to learn at the end that the movie is based on a real story, and that made it even better for me. 4 cans.
5.  Lillies of the Field (1963, Pluto TV streaming) – The recent death of the transcendent actor Sidney Poitier inspired this viewing choice while I stayed with friends. Handyman Homer Smith just happens to stop at a farm in rural Arizona to ask for some water for his car engine. The farm is run by a small group of German nuns, headed by Mother Maria, a taciturn, no-nonsense woman who feels her prayers have been answered with his arrival. The nuns have little money but plenty of dreams; Mother Maria (Lilia Skala) wants to build a chapel. She ropes Homer into staying and helping them not only with the construction of the chapel but also by teaching them to speak English. Poitier won the Oscar for his portrayal of the earnest, firm but cooperative handyman, whose clashes with the Mother have a bit of comic relief. If you have never seen this movie, do yourself a favor and watch it. 4½ cans. And RIP to a giant of the movies and of life.
6.  Greyhound* (2020, Apple TV+) – After watching the quiet, comforting movie above, seeing this action drama was quite a contrast. Tom Hanks plays US Navy Commander Ernest Krause, assigned to lead an Allied convoy in the treacherous waters of the Atlantic in World War II. His ships are constantly under fire from German U-boats, and most of the movie consists of Hanks barking out orders (if you can politely bark, which he seems to do) to his crew and coordinating with his sister ships as they fight the Battle of the Atlantic. Will he have enough torpedoes? When will the air cover arrive?  Hanks, as always, brings humanity to the role, saying grace before a meal (most of which he never gets a chance to eat) and treating his crew with authority and respect. Look out for that submarine! If you like an action movie without man-made superheroes, this one’s for you. 4 cans.
7.  To Sir, with Love (1967, Hulu) – You’re humming that title song by Lulu right now, aren’t you? Sidney Poitier is Mark Thackeray, a would-be engineer who takes a job teaching teenagers in a tough school in London. They all have attitudes and troubled pasts, and his segue into education isn’t going well until he realizes that he has to teach them life lessons and slowly earn their respect. Poitier brings a calm demeanor and respect to the classroom to earn their trust. 4 cans.
8.  In the Heat of the Night (1967, HBO on Demand) – That calm demeanor helps ace Philadelphia detective Virgil Tibbs survive when he is arrested in a tiny Mississippi town and accused of murdering another man. There isn’t any evidence against him beyond just being Black and being in the train station, ready to return home after a visit with his mother in a nearby town. Soon, Virgil joins forces with the small-town police chief (Rod Steiger) to solve the crime with his attention to detail and following the evidence. Throughout, he battles the racist population of a town that distrusts and doubts him. This intense drama won the Oscar for Best Picture in 1968 and Steiger was named best actor, but you also could see the award going to the controlled and believable Poitier, who turned in a riveting performance in the less showy role. 4½ cans.
9.  Cheer* (2022, Netflix) – The second season of this "reality" series about college cheerleading is less cheery than season 1. National Championship Navarro College is out to defend its cheerleading title, still led by now-famous Coach Monica Aldama, who gained notoriety in season one and subsequently competed on “Dancing with the Stars.” Their chief rivals, also from Texas, are from Trinity Valley Community College, where Vonte Johnson, a former TVCC cheerleader, is the coach. Both teams have plenty of drama and lose the chance to complete in the 2020 championship in Daytona when Covid cancels the event. But Navarro raises the drama stakes when last season’s breakout star, Jerry Harris, is accused of sexually harassing two young boys and makes a sudden departure from the team. We don’t see these cheerleaders actually cheerleading at sporting events. Instead, we see endless practices, lots of flying through the air and tumbling on the mats, doing things you cannot even imagine are possible. It sure looks like another season is possible for these talented athletes, whose focus is on two days in Daytona and achieving perfection there. 4 cans.
10. 15:17 to Paris* (2018, HBO) – There is only about 15 minutes and 17 seconds of action in this Clint Eastwood dramatization of an incident on a Paris-bound train attacked by a terrorist. Follow me here – the movie dramatizes the event but uses as stars the three Americans whose quick thinking and bravery thwarted the attack. Spencer Stone, Alek Skarlotos and Anthony Sadler had been pals since grade school. Not the best of students but not serious troublemakers, the three find themselves together in the principal’s office far too often. The movie meanders through their lives as kids and then as young men, with Spencer and Alek joining the military and Anthony going to college. None of them can really find themselves in the ideal position. When they reunite for a vacation in Europe, fate puts them on this train, where their military training and heroics come in handy. But that’s the whole movie. It wasn’t terrible and I was certainly impressed by the way the young men handled themselves on that train. 5 cans for the heroism but only 3 cans for the actual movie.
11.  8 Days: To the Moon and Back* (2019, PBS Documentaries) – No one who was alive in 1969 will ever forget the excitement of the Apollo 11 mission to the moon. When Neil Armstrong took that “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” the world watched and held its collective breath. This dynamic documentary includes a wealth of behind the scenes footage from both the spacecraft and the control center in Houston, reminding us of all of the things that had to go right for Armstrong and his fellow moon walker Buzz Aldrich to land and reunite with commander Michael Collins as he circled the moon waiting for them to blast off and return to the command module. This was a tremendous feat for everyone to accomplish and it was thrilling to relive it. 4 cans.
12. In-Lawfully Yours* (2016, Prime Video) – Jessie (Chelsey Crisp) is a fun-loving woman married to Chaz (Philip Boyd), a real lout who she catches in the act of cheating on her. She’s ready for a divorce, but they don’t tell his mother Naomi about their marital woes because she (Marilu Henner) has just lost her beloved husband. Although they have signed the divorce papers, Jessie volunteers to stay with her mother-in-law to help her clean out the house so she can move in with what she thinks will be her son and Jessie. There’s a meet-cute with Ben (Joe Williamson), the handsome local pastor, who happens to be Naomi’s son-in-law. He is grieving the death of his wife, Naomi’s daughter. Confused yet? You know immediately that sparks will fly between Jesse and Ben, but you don’t know what a scumbag Chaz can be. This was a lightweight romantic comedy that was appealing if only as a change from the more substantive movies I usually watch. 3 cans.
13.  One PM Central Standard Time* (2013, PBS Documentaries) – Anyone who was alive on November 22, 1963, will remember the meaning of those words and who spoke them. It was CBS anchorman Walter Cronkite, reporting from the TV newsroom in New York, who informed the world that reports, “apparently official,” had confirmed the assassination of President John F. Kennedy in Dallas, Texas. In my house, as in many others, the TV stayed on for the next four days, as the American people watched in sadness the funeral and the aftermath of the murder of the young president, the poignancy of his young wife and children at the funeral procession and burial in Arlington National Cemetery. But this documentary (which includes some newsroom reenactments) also shows the challenge of getting the story and the importance of getting it right. The movie says – and I agree – that this broadcast and the subsequent days marked the emergence of broadcast journalism. No more waiting for newspapers to give us the story; the story was right in our living room. Interviews with many people working on the story that day stress the importance of the reporting and informing the public to the best of their ability what had transpired. Riveting. 4 cans.
14. Janet.* (2021, Lifetime) – This 4-part documentary follows the career of singer/actress Janet Jackson. The youngest member of the famous Jackson family of Gary, Indiana, Janet followed her immensely popular brothers on the stage at the urging/insistence of their domineering father, Joe, first singing and appearing in variety shows with her brothers and then starring in several TV roles. Janet loved it and took to it, and although she eventually cut ties with her father as her manager when she was an adult, she is a strong supporter of her father. The same is true of her brother Michael, who she adored and continued to support during the scandals that rocked his legacy. Janet should be judged on her own considerable merits as a performer, an innovator and a musician. Oh, yes, there was that unfortunate “wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl halftime show, but Janet received unfair criticism for something for which she had no control. I gained new resect for the woman who urged other women to be in control. 3½ cans.
15. Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold* (2017, Netflix) – Prolific author Joan Didion is profiled in this loving documentary by her nephew, actor-director Griffin Dunne. Married to Griffin’s uncle, John Gregory Dunne, Didion and her writer husband chronicled American society though novels, essays and plays. Didion is the star of this show, through interviews and a treasure-trove of archived footage that trace the couple’s life together, their various homes, famous friends and their loving daughter. After having seen this poignant tribute, I realize that I need to read her work. 4 cans.

New Thoughts for the New Year

Please, 2022, be kind to us.

I think I’m going to change my name to Tina Google. So many people ask me questions that they could easily answer themselves if they simply used Google or other resources (Is recycling tomorrow? Who was the actor in such-and-such movie?). Google is where I end up going to get the answers to the questions other people ask me.

All day I have had the song “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story running through my head. But I don’t.

Sign in the window of the local convenience store: “Fine Cigars/Bait.” Are the cigars used for bait? Are cigars what people look for when they want to lure fish? Luckily, I need neither, so I’ll never know.

Why do we need to stretch in the morning before we get out of bed? Sometimes when I stretch, I get a nasty charley horse, and that really gets me out of bed in a hurry. But I just wonder why we have that need to stretch, as if we have slept all swaddled like babies. Anyone? Anyone?

And why do we yawn when someone else yawns in front of us?

I don’t get the point of wearing a vest as outerwear. There will never be a time that my chest is cold and my arms are not. Give me a coat, a sweatshirt – anything to keep me toasty warm all over!

Last week I drove behind a truck from a place called Biosphere Remediation, which listed among its services “crime scene remediation” and “murders, suicides and unattended deaths” (which I would have thought fell into the first category). For a moment – just a moment – I thought about following that truck, hoping to land on the set of an upcoming episode of “Dateline,” but then I considered how messy that might be, so when he went right, I went straight.

It’s nice to know that every call I make is important to whatever office I’m trying to reach, but even if I listen carefully because the menu has changed, am I really supposed to know which of the 9 options to choose to speak with someone? I know for sure that I am not calling from a physician’s office, but the others? Too many choices! I long for the days when Consuela took the calls and was the nurse assisting Marcus Welby, MD. In fact, I long for a doctor like Marcus Welby, MD, who knew everything and was assisted by that cute but greasy-haired Dr. Steven Kiley (James Brolin). 

Last year I had a problem with two of the Moen faucets that came with my house. I contacted the company and they sent me new parts (which didn’t work out, but that’s another story) for free. I recently received an email inviting me to join the Moen Plus Club, where I can get complimentary benefits, priority customer support, special offers on Moen products and much more. How many times do they think I will be fixing or replacing my faucets? Do I need to belong to a “club” to be able to wash my hands? I’ll pass.

Oh, great! As if it isn’t bad enough that ShopRite practically begs me to check myself out, now my Retina practice wants me to schedule all my own appointments. What’s next? I will have to do my own eye exam and then give myself my own injection? This self-service stuff has got to stop. Thank God I live in NJ, where pumping your own gas is still verboten!

I admit that I’m not interested in taking care of anyone but myself, so there are no other people in this house, no pets and only one living house plant, my dear old philodendron. Phil has been with me for years, asks for nothing, and has managed to survive despite my sometimes-criminal neglect. Earlier this year, I noticed that most of his leaves were dying and there didn’t seem to be any new growth. I wondered if this would be the end of Phil. Somehow, with a little more (or maybe a little less?) water and lots of hope, Phil is growing new, green leaves again. I don’t know how he got sick or how he got well. I just know I would have missed him if he died. Here’s to Phil!

When I was growing up, the only spices we had in the house were salt, pepper, paprika and garlic powder, and they were kept on the top of the stove – for YEARS! There were no printed expiration dates at that time, so you only bought a new container once the old one was empty, which was once every decade or so.

My Brother P-Touch handheld label printer has been warning me that it has a low battery for the past year. How insecure can one device be? I’ll worry about replacing the battery when it stops working! I might just replace the device anyway because peeling the backing off of the label is nearly impossible! There must be a better way.

I’m being plagued by tumbleweeds! They aren’t really tumbleweeds (it’s not like I live on the streets of Laredo), but the tops of the corn stalks from the cornfield located about 100 yards behind (not even directly behind) my house. The land is used to grow corn for animal feed, and I guess that previously the farmers cut down the stalks but did not this year, because they are blowing all around the neighborhood. They aren’t easy to catch since they are light and blow in the wind, and they are littering my driveway and getting caught in my bushes, where I am afraid animals will grab them up and use them for nests. You’d think I lived out on a prairie or something with this issue.

Who is this Boba Fett of whom you speak? Until Boba Fett graced the cover of a recent issue of TV Guide, I had never heard the name. Then I read the cover story and learned that Boba Fett is a character from one of the trillions of Star Wars movies and spinoffs that have been circulating for years – all without my knowledge or interest. I’ll just add this to the list of programs I won’t be watching. I know these things are extremely popular, but none of them are my cup of tea. I’ll pass.

We Jersey folks cannot tolerate anything other than a Jersey tomato. Forget those pink-orangey things. Take those slices off the BLT and wait for summer, when the bright red, plump and juicy tomatoes are back. Nothing else will do!

My county library recently announced that there will no longer be late fees charged for the tardy return of borrowed books. I wonder whether charging a few cents was ever a viable source of revenue, and I’ll bet that those fees discouraged people from borrowing books. I guess this means the waiting lists will be longer since people will take more time before returning their books without the threat of a late fee, but I also hope it means that more people will take advantage of the wonderful resources available to all of us through the library.

Betty White. Thank you for being a friend.

Here in the Memorial section, I salute the consummate great actor, Sidney Poitier, who passed away in January. To me, you can draw a straight line from Sidney Poitier to Denzel Washington to Chadwick Boseman for tremendously gifted Black actors with memorable performances who were also people just as outstanding offscreen. Did you know that Denzel Washington anonymously paid for part of Chadwick Boseman’s education? Now we have Denzel left and we’re putting our faith in Michael B. Jordan as his successor. What a legacy of talent.

And I also say a fond farewell to Ronnie Spector, one of the great female voices of rock and roll, the leader of the Ronettes. Her song “Be My Baby” stops me in my tracks whenever I hear it. It is my all-time favorite song. I wish we had more from this wonderful artist. How she survived marriage to Phil Spector is a story on par with Tina Turner’s life with Ike.

With Omicron closing things down again, I’m starting to increase my stash of toilet paper this year. I panic if there are fewer than 36 rolls in the house!

I can’t believe that I am still signing emails and messages with “Stay safe and healthy.” Please wear your mask, don’t take unnecessary chances of exposure, get tested, and if you haven’t already been vaccinated, please do it for yourself and for the rest of us. Enough already with this virus, as my mother would surely have said!