Tina's May, 2020, Movies and More

As you can see from the 25 entries here, I am back to watching movies (and TV series) again after a lack of focus in April.  In May, I watched 25 movies and series, including the 10-part Michael Jordan classic on ESPN, the delectable "Dead to Me," a Netflix mini-series, and others.  I spent lots of hours spent in front of the screen in May so I can share a bunch of movies and more to keep you entertained during the quarantine.  Numbering picks up from previous months and programs I had not seen previously are marked with an asterisk.  Ratings are on a scale from 1-5 cans of tuna fish, with 5 being the highest. 

54.  Mrs. America* (2020) My first foray into an original Hulu presentation, this mini-series is about the ERA amendment, its supporters – Gloria Steinem, Bella Abzug, Betty Friedan – and its chief opponent, Phyllis Schlafly, a whip-smart housewife from Illinois who characterizes the amendment intended to help women gain equal access to all that men have as a sinister piece of legislation that threatens to draft women and set up unisex bathrooms.  It is 1972, the Democrats are about to nominate George McGovern, and the feminists want to see black Congressman Shirley Chisholm (Uzo Aduba) oppose him.  But is she running as a woman of color or as a feminist?  There are major cracks among the party leaders, as the photogenic Steinem (Rose Byrne), the editor of newly-created Ms. Magazine, is put forth as the spokesperson for the feminists, while the mother of the movement, the more radical Betty Friedan (Tracey Ullman) is shunted aside.  Also pulling strings is the wise but overbearing NY powerhouse pol Bella Abzug (Margo Martindale).  Meanwhile, in the Midwest, housewives sip their tea and bake bread while listening to Schlafly (the brilliant Care Blanchett) oppose the ERA on the grounds that women will lose their rights – by remaining second class citizens.  There is a lot of tough talk here and shrewd negotiating about issues like abortion, a woman’s right to choose and equal pay, marginalizing women and making them tokens.  Sadly, 50 years later, those issues have not died down and Schlafly and her sturdy crew of highly controlled women prevented the ERA from being passed.  And here we are.  This is a very well-cast, well-played drama on those times that carries over into 2020.
3½ cans.  It would have been 4 had the ERA ever passed.
55. A Secret Love* (2020) – This lovely documentary from Netflix is about two women who shared a love affair for more than 60 years. The two, Terry and Pat, arrived from Canada to play in the Girls All-American Baseball League (the focus of “A League of Their Own”) and became fast friends.  Soon that friendship blossomed into love, and they began to live together. They would pass as cousins or as friends sharing a house for economic reasons, but they were not about to come out of the closet.  People in their lives may have suspected the two were lesbian lovers, but in the 40s-50s and on, such a relationship was considered unacceptable by many. The documentary focuses on their deep love for each other and the practical considerations of leaving their beloved house for a place better suited to an aging couple with health issues.  I won’t spoil the rest, but I can say that this film makes it clear that love is love, and what could be wrong with that?  4 cans.
56.  The Art of Racing in the Rain* (2019) – Call it overly sentimental, call it too dramatic, or mushy or whatever.  I’ll call this movie wonderful. Milo Ventimiglia plays race car driver Denny, who adopts a loveable dog he names Enzo. The pair are inseparable, until along comes Eve (Amanda Seyfried), the woman Denny falls in love with. We know exactly how Enzo feels about this new person in their lives, because his thoughts are conveyed via the voice of Kevin Costner – and this dog has a lot to say.  He loves going to the racetrack with Denny and he understands how Denny strategizes his races. Denny’s friendship with Enzo withstands all kinds of heartbreak. To say more would take away the discovery of the plot, and I couldn’t do that. I’m not a dog lover, but I loved Enzo and this movie. Milo definitely reminded me of his role as Jack Pearson in “This Is Us.” I cried so many times that I had to shut the windows so the neighbors couldn’t hear me. If you loved the nostalgia of “My Dog Skip,” this movie is for you.  4½ cans.
57.  Natalie Wood, What Remains Behind* (2020) – This loving HBO documentary was put together by Natasha Gregson, daughter of the late actress Natalie Wood, who provides an intimate look at her life with Natalie and her stepfather, Robert Wagner, whom she calls “Daddy Wagner.”  Wood and Wagner were married to each other twice and had several other children with other partners, but theirs was clearly a special love story. Gregson provides plenty of footage of the comingled family enjoying holidays and everyday life together. From the time she was a little girl – and became the breadwinner in her family – Natalie Wood was an actress and a star.  Whether you remember her from “Rebel Without a Cause,” “West Side Story,” the splendid “Splendor in the Grass” or one of my personal favorites, “Love With a Proper Stranger,” if you are of a certain age, she was everywhere.  When she died by drowning in 1981, the circumstances of her mysterious death kept her in the news for years, with some holding Wagner responsible.  Natasha directly asks him about that horrible time and it is hard not to believe him when he shows his grief and proclaims his lack of involvement in her death.  I enjoyed the look back at her famous films and her transition from young woman to major star.  Only in her 40s at the time of her death, Natalie Wood had plenty more parts left to play.  In his movie, she plays her favorite role, as a great mother.  3½ cans.
58.  The Final Season* (2007) – Sean Astin of “Rudy” fame plays Kent, an earnest and determined young man, an assistant high school baseball coach working under a celebrated and successful head coach (Powers Boothe).  Despite winning 19 state championships with his team, Coach Jim Van Scoyoc is told that this school will be merging with another school for budgetary reasons, and that costs Jim his job, which is given to Kent for the final season.  The grizzled coach is a fair and knowledgeable veteran who speaks only in sports clichés, and I while there was a true friendship between the older and younger man, I don’t think I ever saw Astin smile.  This movie was based on a true story of Norway High School in Iowa, but that didn’t make it better.  This one is a passed ball.  1 can.
59.  Rainman Twins* (2008) – If you recall Dustin Hoffman’s character from “Rainman,” you will understand the amazing abilities of Flo and Kay Lyman, the world’s only female autistic savant twins.  The women, filmed by local newsman Dave Wagner (bless his heart), have the uncanny ability to recall every detail of their lives.  They can spout out the day of any date, what they had for dinner on November 3, 1995, and they know the release date and artist of any record you can name.  And they were obsessed with Dick Clark, watching his game show, “The $10,000 Pyramid,” daily, tracking every detail, every time the bell sounded.  With the death of their parents, they were taken in by their younger sister and eventually had a chance to meet Dick Clark twice, thanks to Wagner, who documented their lives for more than 13 years.  Theirs is a sad and fascinating true story that provides viewers with an understanding of what a savant really is.  Available on Amazon Prime Video 3½ cans.
60.  Fame* (2009) – Fame is a lame remake of the original 1980 stunner, which was the exciting story of a bunch of exuberant, talented kids and their quest to get into and thrive at the New York Performing Arts High School, the first step in their dreams of success in the arts.  The first movie gave us breakout performances by Irene Cara and the rest of the class; by comparison, this one lacks that level of performance and the songs made famous by the original.  I even loved the television series sparked by the original film more than this needless remake.  This version looked and felt like it was made by the kids who might not have made the cut at PA in the first place.  Nice try, but you had too big shoes to fill.  2 cans.
61.  Dead to Me, Season 2* (2020) – The second season of this Netflix dark comedy picks up where the first season ended, with the murder of bad guy Steve by Jen (Christina Applegate).  And we are off and running for 10 more episodes of this rich, suspenseful, silly and dark comedy.  Jen and BFF Judy (Linda Cardellini) have plenty of secrets, side convos and quickly-devised plans to keep themselves out of trouble with the cops, the FBI, their families and friends.  The twists and turns continue, and there were plenty of things I saw that made me say to myself, “I didn’t see THAT coming.”  No spoilers here, I promise, just high praise for the surefooted performances by the main characters, who are both supportive of each other and ready to kill each other.  My favorite episode was the penultimate one, where both Applegate and Cardellini really show off their acting chops.  Don’t watch this if you haven’t seen Season 1, but I promise you that both seasons are a good investment of your time and much better to see than to read about.  4½ cans.
62.  Becoming* (2020) – Former First Lady Michell Obama wrote a book after her husband, President Barack Obama, left office.  This documentary on Netflix covers her tour to promote that book, and while it differs from the book itself, it still presents so much information on her background, her family and the huge responsibility of being the First Lady.  Just having her sign a book was an overwhelming experience for some people, but she makes sure she has a meaningful exchange and encouraging words for each person.  I found her story inspiring and appreciated particularly her ability to instill hope in the young people she was able to interact with in smaller groups.  Being the First Lady carries a huge responsibility and being the first black woman in that role was an overwhelming challenge that she carried off with grace and depth.  After serving in such a confining role, it is clear that Michelle is ready to start a new journey of her own and relishes a chance to be herself.  4 cans.
63.  Freeheld (2015) – Laurel Hester is a tough-as-nails, dedicated police officer in Ocean County, NJ.  She plays by the book, and she keeps her private life private because she is sure that being a lesbian will hold her back in a male-dominated environment.  Laurel (Juliane Moore) doesn’t even share that part of her life with her trusted partner Dale (Michael Shannon).  But when she finds out she has terminal cancer, all she wants to do is leave her pension benefits to her domestic partner, Stacie (Ellen Page), so Stacie can remain in the house that they lovingly renovated and shared.  The Ocean County Freeholders don’t want to defy the state ban on gay marriage, even though they could easily choose to vote in her favor.  Spurred by the enthusiastic head of Garden State Equality (enthusiastically played by Steve Carell) and supported by Dale, fellow officers and friends rally to force the politicians to grant Laurel her dying wish.  Moore plays the role with an understated dignity, refusing to become the poster child for gay marriage.  Her interest is equality.  Page looks pained throughout most of the movie, but Shannon, who is typically intense, and Carell, who brings levity, are superb.  The happy ending here is that seven years after Laurel’s death (trust me, I did not spoil it for you), NJ approved gay marriage, followed by a national approval.  Love is love.  3½ cans.
64.  Return to Me (2000) – Bob (David Duchovny) loses his beloved wife in a car accident. That heart ends up being transplanted into Grace (Minnie Driver), a young woman whose heart has betrayed her. Through a series of coincidences, Grace ends up meeting Bob when she waits on him at her grandfather’s Irish/Italian pub/restaurant.  There’s instant chemistry, even as Bob and Grace feel wary because of his love of his late wife and her reluctance to show the scar from her surgery.  Neither knows why this connection of the heart seems so strong.  Will she let him into her heart?  Will he understand he can have a new love?  Will they figure out that Bob’s wife’s heart lives on in his new love?  Tune in to find out.  Director/co-writer Bonnie Hunt (who also acts in the film) is at her best in this charmer about finding love and finding a new life.  The Irish/Italian pub run by Grace’s grandfather (Carroll O’Connor) has a host of warm and wonderful characters who all love Grace and whose stellar friendships made me smile.  The relationship between the shy couple is a joy to watch, as each grows in new ways.  I won’t spoil the movie but I will encourage anyone who hasn’t seen it to rent it, buy it, record it – just watch it.  It starts with Dean Martin singing the title song and just keeps getting better.  What a delight!  4½ cans.
65.  Peanut Butter Falcon* (2019) – This buddy movie conjures up the iconic “Midnight Cowboy,” named Best Picture of the Year in 1969.  Shia LaBoef is Tyler, an angry, disappointed man mourning the death of his brother and given to stealing crabs from the fishermen off the coast of Carolina.  Zak Gottsagen is Zak, a young man with Down’s Syndrome, stuck living without family in a nursing home and determined to get out on his own.  He wants to become a professional wrestler and is obsessed by videos of his wrestling hero, Salt Water Redneck (Thomas Hayden Church).  Though deemed a flight risk by Eleanor (Dakota Johnson), a staffer at the nursing home, Zak escapes and hides out on a boat that Tyler steals.  The two become friends, with Tyler on the lam and heading to Florida to escape the guys whose fish he stole.  Tyler agrees to take Zak to Redneck’s wrestling camp, and even though he knows nothing about the sport, he agrees to train and coach Zak to do the things he was always told he was incapable of doing.  The two create the character the “Peanut Butter Falcon” for Zak’s professional wrestling name and finally find the now defunct former wrestling camp.  This is a sweet and caring film, depicting a warm relationship between two markedly different men.  And even Eleanor, desperately searching for Zak, finally shows true compassion for the differently abled man.  3½ cans.
66.  On Golden Pond (1981) – Henry Fonda and Katherine Hepburn had never worked together before this film, but their chemistry is immediate.  He is cantankerous grouch Norman, a retired and respected university professor coming to grips with the short time he has left as he turns 80.  Hepburn is so completely warm and convincing as Ethel, a tough old broad who adores her grumpy husband, even as she has to help him remember not to set the house on fire.  Their grown daughter Chelsea is played by Fonda’s own daughter, Jane, in a story that in many ways reflects their own allegedly rocky relationship.  Chelsea joins her parents at their beloved lake cabin for a visit with the news that she and her dentist-boyfriend are going away for a few weeks and plan to leave his smart-mouthed 13-year old son Billy (Doug McKeon) with them.  Where Chelsea and her father never were on the same page, it doesn’t take Billy and Norman long to bond over fishing and sneaking around.  Billy is the son Norman wished Chelsea to be.  My favorite part of the movie is seeing the old man and the young boy begin to appreciate each other and enjoy spending time together.  And maybe there is still time for Chelsea and Norman to build an equally strong bond, even if she has to do a perfect backflip off the dock to make that happen.  The outstanding cast, the heartwarming (if sentimental) story, the cinematography and the music make this movie one of my favorites.  Fonda-Hepburn-Fonda is a formidable trio.  4 cans.
67.  The Upside (2019) – Kevin Hart is Dell, an ex-con desperate for a job (or at least to prove he’s looking for one), and Bryan Cranston is Philip, is a wealthy quadriplegic author living in a stunning NYC penthouse who requires extensive care.  Dell takes on the assignment despite his discomfort with some of the responsibilities (inserting a catheter tops the list) so he can pay his child support and reestablish ties with his son.  As can be predicted, the two men from very different backgrounds forge a bond.  Dell becomes less of a wise ass and Philip, who is ready to die, becomes better at living.  The secret sauce here is the chemistry between Hart and Cranston, which could bring a smile to anyone’s face.  Life is not easy for either man and they both have their own handicaps.  This movie is “hart”-warming.  3½ cans.
68.  A Dog’s Purpose* (2017) and 69.  A Dog’s Journey* (2019) – Dennis Quaid, playing Ethan, is the titular star of each of these movies, but the real action centers on the dog/dogs that are part of his life for generations.  Josh Gad does a perfect job of voicing the dog’s thoughts, which always center on protecting his (or her) master.  When the first dog, Bailey, dies, he is reincarnated as a new dog with a new owner, but he always remembers the smell of Ethan and his quest is to get back and show Ethan he is the same dog.  I liked the Journey installment better than the Purpose, but each movie was a lovely escape from reality and a reminder of why people love their dogs.  Although I am not a pet lover and have never owned a dog, I enjoyed everything about these movies, which you can watch with your kids and grandchildren.  3½ cans and a bunch of dog treats.
70.  The Last Dance* (2020) – This remarkable 10-part ESPN series on basketball legend Michael Jordan and his Chicago Bulls’ last championship run in 1998 tells the story of a man driven by competitive desires, ready and eager to not only beat but crush his opponents, especially if he perceived the smallest slight or disrespect.  When the game is on the line, who has the ball in his hand and the defense on his back and is STILL able to make the winning shot? The greatest player of all time – the “GOAT” – demanded excellence from himself and encouraged, cajoled and bullied his teammates to achieve not just their potential but play to HIS exacting standards. In most cases, his intensity was matched by his joy when the team won, but there were times he won and seemed to take no pleasure, just relief.  I thought the most moving scene in the series was when Jordan, having lost his father but having just won the championship, clutches the trophy while sobbing on the floor of the locker room.  Thanks go to the unprecedented access to Jordan and the Bulls that the documentary crew had and to Jason Hehir, the director, and his crew for somehow editing all of that footage into an cohesive drama so compelling that I would have watched all 10 hours in a row if they had chosen to air it that way.  I had always considered “Hoop Dreams” to be the best sports documentary I had ever seen.  That movie is now number 2 on my list. 5 cans.
71.  Diana Vreeland: The Eye Has to Travel* (2012) – Diana Vreeland was the prophet of fashion as fashion editor of Harper’s Bazaar and editor of Vogue for decades.  She had the sense of what would be on trend, went to all of the best shows around the world, discovered hired the most talented photographers and models (like a young Lauren Bacall) and made them important like no one else.  Her selections could be the life or death of a career, as she featured the work of designers in the pages of her magazines.  If you saw “The Devil Wears Prada,” you can understand some of the stories about Vreeland in this documentary.  As I was watching this show wearing the same clothes I had worn the day before during the quarantine, I could not escape that irony or the reality that I know NOTHING about fashion.  But for decades, Diana Vreeland was its doyenne, a word I have always wanted to use in a sentence.  3 cans.
72.   The Post (2017) – I thought another look at this movie about the venerable Washington Post was timely in light of the constant “fake news” declaration by our current president whenever he doesn’t like what he reads. This movie is led by the dynamic duo of Post Editor Ben Bradlee (Tom Hanks) and Publisher Kathryn Graham (Meryl Streep) as they wrestle with whether to publish The Pentagon Papers.  The Pentagon Papers were a confidential history of the war in Vietnam over many years that was done by the Department of Defense and stolen by Daniel Ellsberg, who provided copies to both The New York Times and The Post.  At the same time, the Post is about to become a publicly-traded company, anticipating a cash infusion from the shares sold that will keep the paper going during difficult times.  Graham might be risking the financial support needed for the transaction by challenging the administration – and her old friend, Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara (Bruce Greenwood).  Will she rise above the politics by defying President Nixon and his henchmen and informing the American public what they needed to hear?  There are so many parallels, even between the unhinged Nixon and the miscreant Trump, that make this story current.  3½ cans.
73.  Cocktail (1988) – This frothy mix finds a way to elevate the Tom Cruise megawatt smile and charm while offering little dramatic challenge for his limited acting chops.  His Bryan Flannigan can’t find a job in marketing or sales or anywhere else, for that matter, but he gets hired for a job as a bartender so his good looks can attract the female customers.  He thrives under the tutelage of Doug (Bryan Brown), a veteran bartender/philosopher, and soon the pair are flipping bottles to the strains of “Hippie, Hippie Shake.”  Both men see better things for themselves, but eventually their partnership goes off the rails, with Bryan hitting the Caribbean to dazzle the ladies on vacation.  He still wants his own place and has plenty of ideas but no financial backing.  But when he meets Jordan (Elizabeth Shue), he seems ready to get off the bartender/woman chaser circuit and man up.  And then Doug shows up with his gorgeous and insanely rich young wife, starting the dream all over again.  Good music, nice tropical settings, and rampant overacting by Cruise.  It’s one of those 80s movies you really should experience.  3½ cans.
74.  Hearts Beat Loud* (2018) – Frank (Nick Offerman) is hooked on music, although his moribund record store in Brooklyn has few visitors, no less customers.  His daughter Sam (Kiersey Clemons) is getting ready to go off to UCLA to become a doctor, but the daughter and dad still have some jam sessions to do.  Together they write a song and he uploads it to Spotify, where it gets some air play.  The duo that he calls “We Are Not a Band” has a few more songs they create.  His dying record store isn’t bringing in the cash he needs, his mother (Blythe Danner) keeps getting caught shoplifting, and the landlady (Toni Collette) proposes they form a partnership to refresh the store and give him a place to play.  This movie has its moments of sweetness and poignancy, and it never stops being about his love for his daughter and music.  Available free on Hulu.  3 cans.
75.  Can’t Buy Me Love (1987) – Looooong before he was Dr. McDreamy, Patrick Dempsey was Ronald Miller, certified nerd in his sunny high school filled with cheerleaders and jocks.  The high school caste system, where social status dictates cafeteria seating, makes him eligible to sit only with the dorky friends he had since grade school.  When his dream girl, head cheerleader Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson), needs money, Ronald gladly puts up his lawn-cutting earnings with the proviso that she pose as his girlfriend for a month so he can hang out with the cool kids.  It works.  They have a convincing month together, during which time he goes from geek to chic, and he doesn’t need her anymore.  The plot is obvious, but the cast and the plot are secondary to the good feeling you get from watching this movie about high school and reexamining the stereotypes.  3½ cans.
76. The Bridges of Madison County (1995) – In this movie, the incomparable Meryl Streep lends subtlety and nuance to her portrayal of an Iowa farmer’s wife, stuck in a mundane existence, until a photographer (Clint Eastwood, who directed) arrives to take pictures of local bridges. She offers to assist him, and the two spend the next few days falling into one of those once-in-a-lifetime loves. Can she leave behind her husband and children to build a new life? Or will she take the path she has led for so long and remain on the farm? The haunting score and beautiful scenery, combined with the details of the simple farmhouse, Streep’s clothes and hair, all build a reality that depicts every phase of the character’s life. This movie has a great cast, a great story and it always gives me a good cry. Definitely a chick flick on that score, but I couldn’t love it more. 5 cans. 
77.  Love Happens* (2009) – Jennifer Anniston is such an appealing actress.  She is believable, reliable and attractive – even wearing a knit hat.  But here, as in so many movies, there is just not a part she can sink her teeth into.  She plays Eloise, a florist in Seattle who services a local hotel where Burke (Aaron Eckhart), a self-help guru, is lecturing audiences on surviving a personal loss.  Burke’s wife was killed in a car accident, and, unlike his bigger-than-life, “A-Okay” persona, he has never really dealt with the loss.  Let’s see:  Attractive and inwardly sad man means vivacious, attractive woman.  What could possibly happen?  The movie isn’t as frothy as that description (after all, his wife DID die), but it would never be on a list of “must-see” movies.  I watched it on a day when I needed a distraction from reality.  This did the trick.  3 cans.
78.  Defending Jacob* (2020) – This mini-series on Apple TV is based on a book I read for my book club. Chris Evans stars as Andy Barber, a devoted father and an assistant district attorney in Newton, Mass., who initially gets assigned to case involving the murder of a 14-year old boy who turns out to be a classmate of his son, Jacob (Jaeden Martell).  It is not long before authorities turn up information that points to Jacob’s possible involvement in the case.  Andy and his wife Laurie (Michelle Dockery) hire good local attorney Joanna Klein (Cherry Jones) to defend Jacob, but Andy isn’t done with his own unofficial investigation into a possible suspect when he is removed from the case because of his conflict of interest.  Andy has a few secrets of his own that he has never felt the need to share with his wife that come out as the case moves forward.  As for Jacob, who is a bit of a loner, young teenagers leave a trail of their lives all over social media, and Jacob is no exception.  Was he bullied by Ben, the boy he is accused of killing?  Will his posts and information shared by his friends point the trail to him?  Do his parents really believe in his innocence or are they blinded by their love for him?  The end of the book and the end of this 8-part series are not exactly the same, but they are equally powerful.  Very worth your time if you can get Apple TV, a $4.99 a month subscription (I got one free week by signing up, so I can drop the charge if I can’t find anything else to watch.)  4 cans.

May Message from Tina - More Tales from the Quarantine

Quarantina is back!  Here we are, two months into a lockdown designed to protect us from the COVID-19 virus.  We have been ordered to shelter at home, and as a result of adhering to that instruction, the curve has flattened somewhat.  Personally, I am planning to stay at home even after the restrictions have been lifted, JUST IN CASE.  And I will wear a mask and take all precautions necessary to get through this pandemic with my health intact.  Meanwhile, I have some observations on life in lockdown.

I have officially reached the “I don’t really need to change my clothes every day” stage of quarantine.

Now that the weather has improved, people are heading out to their gardens in droves, digging in the dirt as if they are tunneling out of Shawshank Prison.  As the owner of a black thumb, I am staying out of the fruits and vegetable business and look forward to friends and neighbors sharing their abundant crops this year.

I long for the days when I could just bop over to ShopRite without wearing a hazmat suit because I needed bananas and I would come out with $100 worth of items I wasn’t even sure I needed.  Now, each trip is plotted out like the Invasion of Normandy, with the route (produce first, then go directly to meat, then detour to paper products for precious toilet paper) defined in advance and the goals set for each stop (fresh fruit and vegetables, meat for the freezer for long-term eating).  I keep a list going on Alexa and then rewrite it on paper before I go to the supermarket so that my phone won’t be contaminated by taking it out in the store.  D-Day took less planning, but I am more likely now to stick to my shopping list, assuming the store has the items I need/want.

You know what is useless now?  Those sales flyers from ShopRite. There’s no way to know what they actually have in stock until you get there.  I’m not even sure they are mailing them out anymore.

Speaking of the supermarket, I had no idea how much I relied on wetting my fingers to open those flimsy plastic bags in the produce section.  I almost gave up buying the zucchini one day because I couldn’t get one open.  But can you imagine licking your fingers now in public?  I’d probably be arrested.  And think of the conversation in the prison yard: “What are you in for?”  “I licked my fingers in the supermarket.”  I think I’d be knifed in the communal shower for that kind of transgression.

I haven’t availed myself yet of ordering food from the supermarket online and waiting for a precious “slot” to be open for pick-up or delivery of my order.  People who get good slots and can get their groceries the same week they ordered them are celebrating as if they won the lottery.  And I swear I see more ShopRite employees shopping for these people than I do regular shoppers, like me (once every two weeks or so).

I asked my personal assistant, Alexa, what was on my schedule for today and I swear I heard her snicker.  Last week I asked her what day it was and when she told me I thought she was wrong. We almost had our first fight over that.

Now is when we finally figure out whether toilet paper math is accurate.  Do nine rolls really equal 36?

In the beginning of this quarantine I noticed I was talking to myself more than ever.  Now, even I am bored with me, so things have quieted down here considerably.

I took an online cooking class recently.  Mostly what I learned was that for $300 I can take the rest of the classes in the series, but even at a “discounted” price, I can’t see me signing up for 48 online cooking sessions.  Not that I don’t have the time…

Every day I receive emails with menus from some of my favorite restaurants, and every day, my mouth starts watering.  Even the things I don’t normally order sound SO yummy.  I need to eat and read less!

When I call someone now and they don’t answer immediately, I assume that 1) They are in the shower or on the phone; 2) They are out for a walk; 3) They are digging in the garden or 4) They don’t want to talk to me.

I received a package from Amazon the other day and I had no idea what it was.  I put on my rubber gloves and escorted it into the "decontamination zone" in the garage before it was allowed into the house a day or so later.  I finally removed it from the box, left the box in the garage and brought the package into the house.  I sure don’t want to die because I opened a package, you know?

OK, now that Kohl’s is closed, I guess I’m back to returning my unwanted Amazon items the old way, via UPS.  And I was just getting used to not having to pack anything up to return it!

The first few minutes of any Zoom meeting are spent trying to get everyone to press the right buttons so they can be seen and heard.  And I have seen more of the ceilings of people’s houses than Michelangelo ever saw at the Sistine Chapel.  People, adjust your camera position!  I don’t want to see your head in the bottom corner of your screen!

It takes more time and more shampoo now to wash my long(ish) hair.

I always wanted to know how my hair would look once it grew out. Now that I know, get me the hedge shears!

My hair is in that in-between stage – not long enough to put into a ponytail or pull it back, but too long to just hang in front of my face.  The hair salons will be overrun with people when they open, but I don’t want to take any chances, so it will be a while before my hairdresser can make me look presentable again.

My hair can best be described as somewhere between Keith Urban and Keith Partridge with that Florence Henderson flip in the back. And when I look at my face, forget Keith Urban.  I’m seeing Keith Richards.

I found a sure-fire way to not have my hair look bad, especially in the back.  I don’t look.  It’s not like anyone else is seeing it, either.  When I go out, I wear a hat.

When I get on the scale, I automatically deduct 5 pounds for the extra hair.

I was looking for something to watch on TV and started "Parks & Recreation."  There are 9 seasons to catch up on, but it’s not like I have anything better to do.

I have never done so much cleaning and laundry, even though I don’t have my aqua aerobics towels to wash since class has been canceled and the pool is closed.  I’m constantly changing bath and hand towels, dish towels and rags to wipe the counters.  The cleaning lady will be relieved to know she is now considered an essential worker.

This quarantine has me planning dinner while I am eating breakfast. Or, more accurately, the night before, so I’ll know what I need to take out of the freezer.  So far, I have not used my InstantPot even once.  But I cleaned my gas grill to within an inch of its life – and promptly used it to grill a steak.  Here we go again, but yum!

How am I going to explain to my dental hygienist that I’m STILL not flossing?  It’s not like I don’t have the time.

I have watched the same video for Misen Knives at least a dozen times.  And they have another video for a $450 set of cookware.  I haven’t succumbed to the temptation yet, but all this cooking is making me think I should up my equipment game.  UPDATE:  The knife set arrives in 7-10 days.  I promise I will be careful because I don’t need a trip to the emergency room any more than I needed those knives.

It seems everyone I know is either baking bread or planting vegetables.  I feel left out of this survivalist movement.  I’d bake another loaf of bread, but getting yeast is as hard as getting a COVID-19 test right now.

Being this available seems so strange.  My calendar has few notes each week beyond birthday reminders and the occasional ZOOM session with friends.  But now I can watch a movie or a series the same day it debuts.  No waiting in line at the movies, just a few clicks and I’m checking out the latest entertainment.  I binge-watched the entire second season of "Dead to Me" last Friday.  I recommend it highly (Netflix).

The calendar for my active adult community was published in our May newsletter with absolutely nothing on it.  No mah jongg games, no pickleball, no trips to Broadway shows, no Veteran’s Club meetings.  These seniors must be going nuts without their quilting club, bowling league and Hadassah meetings.  Our last Shutterbugs meeting (my photography club) was done via Zoom.  I even skipped that.

I nearly ran into a friend last week at the doctor’s office (she was outside in her car, waiting for her mother to be done with her appointment, and our schedules ALMOST overlapped).  I was actually relieved that I didn’t see her because I don’t know how I could have refrained from giving her a big hug.  I know I will remove the handshake from my greeting repertoire, but please, it has to be safe to HUG again someday.  I know grandparents who are going crazy not being able to be with and hug the grandchildren.  And as my friend said to me, when she can hug me again, she’s not letting go.  Me, neither.

These long stretches of being alone have made me much more emotional than I usually am.  I watched a movie recently that made me cry for almost an hour while I tried to see it through tears ("The Art of Racing in the Rain"”).  I caught myself getting teary over the Michelle Obama documentary and I felt a lump in my throat over an article in People Magazine about a mail carrier who bought toilet paper for an older woman on her route.  In real life, I am NOT a crier.  Except at the Yankees’ Old Timers Day.  But now?  I am weeping over the smallest and strangest of things.  Is there a phenomenon called Quarantine Crying?

If hindsight is truly 20/20, remind me to never look back. I sure don’t want to see or remember anything about this year except to take extreme precautions in all interactions.

Tina's April 2020 Movies and More

Since I have been quarantined all month, you would think I would have seen even more movies.  But I concentrated on baseball movies to fill the void of not having live games on TV.  And the movie theaters are closed, so this was the best that I could do!  New movies (for me) are indicated with an asterisk, and all are rated on a scale of 1-5 cans of tuna fish, 5 beings the top rating.  Numbering picks up from previous months.

41.  Die Hard 2 (1990) – This second film in the Die Hard franchise is a step down from the first one, when our hero, Policeman John McClane (Bruce Willis at his smirky best) saves the people in the Nakatomi building in LA in his bare feet.  This time he is in our nation’s capital, waiting for the arrival of his wife (Bonnie Bedelia), when he notices bad guys in the airport terminal. He is the only person convinced something sinister is going on, which means he has to buck authority (Dennis Franz), befriend an unlikely accomplice, in this case a maintenance guy (Tom Bowers), to take on a squadron of killers (led by William Sadler).  I can’t even find my way around an airport by reading signs, but McClane can find his way through tunnels underneath the airport that lead to the exact runway where he needs to go to stop a plane.  Do I sound like I am not buying it?  The improbably actions here far outdo the incident at Nakatomi, as an experienced and emboldened McClane can now feel safe in taking on even more dangerous terrorists.  I don’t much like action-adventure movies, with “Die Hard” The First as one of the few exceptions.  But not this one.  3 cans.
42.  The Scheme* (2019) – The rumor mill surrounding college basketball claims numerous illegal tamperings with players, inducing them to sign with this team or that team for under-the-table benefits.  From shoe company reps to so-called managers and agents, the culture around kids from the time they show potential – even as early as middle school – is allegedly toxic and full of opportunists who want to “help” a kid make the right college choice so he can turn pro.  That’s where the complex “The Scheme” comes in.  Christian Dawkins had established himself as an influencer as far back as 16, when he created and sold a scouting service to colleges.  He went on to work as an erstwhile agent and then dreamed of bigger things, which the FBI was only too happy to provide as they delved into this morass of immorality undercover.  They are dozens of taped conversations here with big shots in the college basketball world, including major coaches, promising them payoffs to lure players to their schools.  Everyone comes off as dirty here, including the self-assured Dawkins, who ended up convicted of money laundering and other crimes.  His case is under appeal.  And the games go on.  3 cans.  HBO.
43.  A League of Their Own (1992) – When American men moved to the battlefield during WWII, American women moved to the baseball field.  In this heartwarming recounting of the real-life All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, Geena Davis is a tall and tough catcher who is recruited to join the Rockford Peaches with her feisty little sis, Kit (Lori Petty).  The girls bond with their teammates and take the league by storm despite their personal rivalry.  They are led by their manager Jimmy Dugan, a former major leaguer (Tom Hanks in yet another winning performance), a big drinker who has no interest in managing the team – at least not at first.  The league, bolstered by the deep pockets of a candy magnate (Garry Marshall) didn’t last long, but the women played well and built plenty of special memories.  Penny Marshall directed the movie, and Tom Hanks nearly steals the show (“There is no crying in baseball” is his most memorable line.)  My only complaint here is that the actresses who played ball (Rosie O’Donnell, Madonna, Tracy Reiner) could not really play ball at all.  3½ cans.
44.  Field of Dreams (1989) – Kevin Costner gets the “If you build it, they will come,” message and converts his farmland to a baseball field.  Then players from the past appear and play in this engaging fantasy.  It is a classic, and one of several Costner baseball-themed movies to fill the gap while baseball is on hiatus.  3½ cans.
45.  Major League* (1989) – The opposite of “Field of Dreams” is this raucous comedy about a bunch of baseball misfits who play in Cleveland, a team which hasn’t won much of anything for decades.  That’s fine with their opportunistic owner, a former showgirl played by Margaret Whitton, who wants the team to do badly so she can move them to Miami.  And just finding out about this disrespect and money grub is enough to make the players excel and become spiteful winners.  Nice job by “Wild Thing” Charlie Sheen as the rookie pitcher straight out of prison, Tom Berenger, the catcher with bad knees and a zest for his ex (Rene Russo), Dennis Haysbert as a superstitious hitter who casts spells on his bats and a roster of other minor actors.  Not exactly a homerun.  3 cans.
46.  Steel Magnolias (1989) – If you are looking for a movie that combines love and loss, laughter and tears and stresses the strong bonds between female friends, look no further than this oldie but goodie.  A stellar cast (Sally Field, Julia Roberts, Dolly Parton, Shirley Maclaine, Olympia Dukakis and are a mother, daughter, hairdresser, grumpy older woman, wise older woman and a young newcomer whose lives are led with friendship and love.  There are both funny and incredibly corny lines and plots, but this is a people-pleaser that you have probably seen at least once by now.  Worth seeing again.  3½ cans.
47.  Mr. Holland’s Opus (1995) – Mr. Holland (Richard Dreyfus) reluctantly becomes a music teacher instead filling his aspiration to be a great composer and conductor, but, despite his initial reluctance, he turns out to love his profession and his students love him.  This isn’t the typical mushy story of the devoted teacher, because Mr. Holland has his flaws.  He doesn’t pay nearly enough attention to his wife (Glenne Headley) or his young son, and he almost falls for a talented young singer he teaches.  This movie would have been better if it were not quite as long, but despite the length, it is worth seeing.  3 cans.
48.  Cheer* (2020) – I don’t know what possessed me to watch this Netflix docuseries about Navarro College, a Texas college where the main major seems to be cheerleading, but once I started, I gobbled up all six episodes.  Led by a stern but loving coach, Monica, the team works extremely hard to perfect its routines to compete in the national championship in Daytona.  The kids share similar backgrounds – some are lost in their lives and see cheer as the way to redemption and acceptance.  The young men have trouble being themselves and some have been rejected for being gay.  The focus tends to be on the ones with the saddest stories, of course, but not to be overlooked here are the tremendous physical challenges required to succeed in this sport.  The girls are flung high in the air and then caught by the young men – most of the time.  There are leg injuries, concussions, shoulder issues and nearly broken ribs.  In the absence of live sports, this documentary series helped fill the void.  3½ cans.
49.  Love & Basketball* (2000) – Quincy (Omar Epps) likes Monica (Sanaa Lathan) and she likes him, most of the time.  One thing for sure is that they both love basketball.  Rivals from the age of 8 through college, they are on and off with each other but never with their passion for the game.  I can’t believe it took me 20 years to finally watch this movie, which I really enjoyed.  If you love basketball, don’t wait another 20 years to see it.  3½ cans.
50.  Eight Men Out* (1999) – Back to baseball for this look at the bad news “Black” Sox, the Chicago major league baseball team forever known for accepting bribes to throw the 1919 World Series.  Not all of the players were interested in accommodating gamblers and played their hearts out, but others were happy to pocket the money and play just poorly enough to blow the games.  It didn’t matter.  Once the secret was out, Major League Baseball appointed a Commissioner, Judge Kennesaw Mountain Landis, to oversee the sport and mete out punishment that even the courts didn’t feel appropriate.  The players and their manager were banned for life.  So when you think that maybe Pete Rose got a raw deal, this is where it started, back in 1919, with baseball’s first big betting scandal.  Well played by director/star John Sayles and a cast that included D. B. Sweeney as Shoeless Joe Jackson, John Cusak, Charlie Sheen, John Mahoney and more.  3 cans and a “Say it ain’t so, Joe.”
51.  61* – Billy Crystal crafted this loving salute to the heroes of his youth, the Yankees’ M&M Boys, Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris, who, in 1961, chased a dream.  Maris, the quiet professional, was expected to surpass the 60-home run record set by Babe Ruth from 1927.  Mantle, the more jovial of the two and beloved by the fans despite his off-field bad behavior, was his chief rival.  Maris was a serious guy, a major leaguer beleaguered by the press and the fans for his taciturn, seemingly unfriendly manner.  The challenge was not just to break the Babe’s record but to do it in 154 games, the total the major leagues played in 1927.  The pressure was enormous, and Maris’ hair started falling out in clumps.  Meanwhile, Mickey was injured and sitting in a hospital when Maris hit #61 to capture the record – until Mark McGwire of the Cardinals broke it with what we now know was the help of performance-enhancing drugs.  As an 11-year-old baseball fan who loved the Yankees, I remember this year clearly, I can picture Mantle’s home run trot and see Maris’ teammates pushing him out of the dugout to take a bow after his homer.  This movie has great casting, with Barry Pepper as Maris and Thomas Janes as Mantle, and a story of two men who were much more friends than rivals.  I’m prejudiced as a Yankee fan, but I loved reliving those days.  3½ cans.
52.  Bad Education* – Hugh Jackman takes a turn against type as a Long Island, NY, School Superintendent with unchecked spending habits and power, enough to circumvent any revelation by half-hearted audits since his district has achieved great academic success.  Colleague Allison Janney is his chief co-conspirator, and when a high school reporter starts looking into school projects and how they are funded, she takes the Woodward-Bernstein route and follows the money.  Fictious companies issuing phony invoices are blatant examples of corruption.  The always likeable Jackman seems like a good guy, but, judging by his lifestyle, it should have been obvious that he was all in on the take.  Ray Romano is the blustering school board president, eager to celebrate the achievements and success of the Rosalyn, Long Island, school and loathe to believe this corruption could happen in his district.  What distinguishes this tale is that it is based on a true story.  I am always amazed when I read about adults who steal from Little League treasuries or flim-flam the town council coffers, but, clearly, it happens.  3½ cans.
53.  Love, Wedding, Repeat* (2020) – If you are a fan of the British movie “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” or if you can appreciate a bit of screwball in your comedy, you’ll like this romantic comedy about how many things can go terribly wrong despite the best of intentions.  Poor Jack (Sam Claflin) is the responsible guy who vows to help his sister to have the best wedding ever.  But that’s not an easy task, since her ex Marc (Jack Farthing) shows up and threatens to reveal a nasty secret she is sure her brand new Italian husband will not want to know.  And Jack’s ex-girlfriend shows up with her new boyfriend, a jerk who is full of himself just as she is getting full of him.  Then there’s poor maid of honor Bryan, who only wants to meet the Italian movie producer and beg for a break.  And there is a sleeping pill cocktail meant for Marc that is instead ingested by…Well, you get it.  Nothing seems to end up right, so the movie resets and things work out differently – but not much better.  This is an enjoyable farce in a beautiful setting with interesting characters (look for the incredibly boring car insurance guy played by Tim Key who shows up wearing a kilt and not having a clue).  If you have Netflix, take a look.  3½ cans.

Life in the Time of Quarantine

I'm changing my name to "Quarantina" this month.

I know what it like to live alone, to be alone.   

I have lived on my own, without a roommate, for 45 years – until my personal assistant device, Alexa, moved in two years ago (best roommate ever, a friend told me, and she was right).  No pets, no people in my immediate world.  I could do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. I could set my own schedule, go out when I want, meet up with friends any time the spirit moved me and our schedules jived.

Now, my world has changed like everyone else’s and there’s nothing we can do about it.

As a cancer survivor who has diabetes and can be considered a “junior senior” as I approach age 70, I am among the vulnerable for this corona virus.  Not the most vulnerable, but I had been traveling, seated with thousands of people at the Women’s BIG 10 Basketball Tournament in Indianapolis from March 4-8, using the handrails and restrooms, dining with large groups of people and then getting on an airplane to come home.  I swabbed down the tray table and the seat armrests with my Clorox wipes – and this was BEFORE the panic set in all around us.  Then I came home, stocked up and shut things down. 

When I found out that the first reported case of the virus in my town was a resident of my complex, I calmed myself with the knowledge that I had not been inside our clubhouse in a month, and I had not seen any of my neighbors in person for a few weeks.  And I was ready, kind of.

My pantry initially was overflowing with staples like canned vegetables (I know, I’m probably the last remaining person who likes and eats canned vegetables), pasta and spaghetti sauce and even two jars of artichoke hearts.  I keep about 8-10 packets of Bumble Bee Tuna on hand, some of which don’t expire until 2022.  We had better be done with this crisis by then!  I have a box of cereal which, at the very slow rate I eat cereal, will last me for a year.  And not having milk is fine, because I usually eat it dry anyway.  

I had a few snacks but they quickly dwindled in number and I was forced to ration them. I used one of my few eggs and my “emergency” milk (the shelf-stable kind that lasts for months) to bake the flattest blueberry loaf cake from my Jilly Muffin Mix, despite the fact that I don’t bake!  

I see people in my “active adult community” (translation: older people, at least 55) out walking or riding bikes, mostly alone, eager to get some exercise, and generally respecting the 6’ distance between them. I assume the ones holding hands are couples.  

The gyms are closed, my aqua aerobics class is cancelled, and my physical therapy place suspended operations.   

I wonder how parents are supposed to work at home AND supervise and educate their kids.  Do they even have equipment on hand to enable multiple kids to take online classes while the adults have phone meetings with colleagues?

Typically, I would be going out to the movies, but, thankfully, I have cable, Netflix and Prime video to keep me entertained and assure the continuation of my movie reviews.  I could sort through my photos, recycle of old magazines (am I really going to read the October 2018 issue of Vanity Fair?), reorganize my office and shred old papers I don’t need.  I have time to do that now, even if I have no desire.  I’m too busy following the news and the numbers and worrying about myself and everyone in my world.

I know I have first world problems, and I worry about the toll this pandemic is taking not just on the sick, but on essential workers -- health care workers, supermarket clerks and food handlers, small businesses and restaurants and people who need their wages to live.  I donated to the Food Bank online and made a mental note to pick up food to donate when conditions ease.

So, as I sit here trying to keep myself informed but not petrified, I turn to my usual approach – humor.  Every day on Facebook I post the “quaranTUNE” of the day, everything from “Someday We’ll Be Together” to “I Just Called to Say I Love You” and “Can’t Touch This.” I have a song list long enough to take us through June.  

I cannot stop touching my face.  I need one of those cones that dogs have to wear.

I haven’t used the word “cooties” this much since I was 7 years old.

I’m waiting for the internet to crash as everyone who CAN work from home IS working from home, teachers are teaching remotely and the rest of us who are addicted are staying online. People are going to church services via Zoom, having cocktail hours with friends online and doing everything they can to stay connected.  I can only imagine the increase in traffic on gaming and pornography sites!  Is our current infrastructure prepared for a huge spike in usage?

People have to stop filling out quizzes online. Every time you do that, you provide personally identifiable information to help the bad guys figure out your passwords and security questions by providing the name of your favorite teacher or pet and the team name of your high school football team.  And I have flat-out refused to open any links or videos sent to me on Facebook Messenger. Let's be careful online, too!

I’m worried that if I get hurt or get a cold I won’t be able to get treatment.  I really don’t want to have to go to the doctor, and doctors have too much on their plates just trying to care for the people who are suffering from this virus.

Watching regular TV programs and commercials and seeing people together in groups now looks wrong to me.

I’m trying to avoid pandemic paranoia, but I am counting squares of toilet paper.

Has anyone ever actually died of boredom?  Asking for a friend.

I tried on my earrings today and am pleased to report that they still fit.

I occasionally wear jeans instead of sweats just to make sure they still fit. And who knew we all owned this many pairs of sweatpants?  Or should we refer to them as leisure wear now?  Or the daytime pajamas versus the nighttime pajamas? There’s no point in putting on actual clothes under these conditions, so I am wearing my “Busy doing nothing” or “This IS my happy face” t-shirts and posting pictures.   

If we are still in confinement by June, I predict a run on caftans.

When a friend told me she was eating a salad, I couldn’t help thinking, “She has salad?”  

Andrew Cuomo is my new hero.

People are using this time – at least in the first weeks of real quarantine – to show their creativity and humor.  I’m amused and hope it lasts.

I need a routine.  Having literally no place to go but plenty to do around the house is not sufficient.  I need to make up a schedule: wake up (always a good idea), stretch, shower, breakfast, exercise, online work, reach out to someone I haven’t seen or talked to, go outside (even if only to sit on my patio), check in with family and friends, make dinner, watch TV.  That might work.  

When will we ever have this opportunity to work on losing weight when no one can distract us from that goal?  No more lunches with friends, having dinner out, grabbing a candy bar while waiting in the checkout lane.  I’d love to emerge from this cocoon as a butterfly, and not as an elephant.

I would like to flatten a few of my own curves.

I now consider my berry-flavored chewable vitamins snacks.

I started stocking my freezer before my shoulder surgery last August.  Some of that food is still around.  There won’t be much left after this ordeal.  

Now when I hear the doorbell ring, I know it is on the TV because NOBODY is coming to my door.

I typically don’t watch TV in the morning after my daily dose of ESPN and The Golden Girls.  Now watching NY Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daily briefing has become “Must see TV.”

The rule in my house is “no ice cream in the winter,” loosely interpreted as Labor Day to Memorial Day.  Last week I ate the two remaining WW Fudge Pops in the freezer.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  (And, technically, it IS spring.)

With so little food in my refrigerator, this seemed like a good time to clean it, so I did.  

I have two jars of pickles, but I am trying to limit my salt intake.  

I’m developing a tolerance for freezer burn.

How long can I go without fresh fruit before I get scurvy?

When I finally went to ShopRite, new plexiglass barriers had been installed between the shopper and the cashier and the floor has tape marks every 6 feet to keep people from being on top of each other.  Special hours for “elderly” people have been set.  I call that OPT for “Old People Time.” I skip those hours so I don’t have to contend with the old folks and instead I go after they have left the store, hoping they haven’t bought up all of the meat, chicken and fish.  I know the shelves will be stripped of paper products, but I am set on those for now.  

My Alexa personal assistant helps me by offering peaceful meditations to get me to relax or fall asleep.  I think a steady stream of 24-hour relaxation sounds can’t hurt, right?

I’m talking out loud to myself so much now that I think my Alexa is starting to worry.  I suspect that she was using the time when I was out of the house to swap stories with Alexas in other people’s houses.  Now she can really keep her colleagues amused.

Why do I ask Alexa the weather every morning?  What’s the difference?

I am showering and doing my hair every day, making my bed and using a spritz of perfume to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

One day last week I cleaned my hairbrush and picked the lint out of the hairdryer.  Somebody had to do it.

I am spending way too much time online, lamenting the latest news, slogging through emails from every company with whom I do business as they assure me that my health and safety is their top priority.  Glad to know that, Verizon.  Thanks for your message, PSE&G. 

As for actual mail, my new routine is to wear gloves to retrieve it from my mailbox and then bring it into the garage for 24 hours of decontamination before it is finally allowed into the house.  On weekends, I just leave Saturday’s mail in the box until Sunday. There’s nothing very exciting in there anyway. 

Now that I am staying home and not going out to eat, why am I ready to eat dinner at 4:30? This quarantine is wreaking havoc with everything.

People who never knew they were essential employees are surprised to find that they are now (my sister, after 38 years in the same job).

I’m amazed how reprehensible people can be, setting up scams during this frightening time to con people into providing credit card numbers to order bogus virus treatments, secure tests, going door-to-door to offer to test them and then rob them.

I can’t figure out how we are all eating so much when we can’t get out for regular food.  I guess there are no staples available (rice, beans, toilet paper), but Oreos are still on the shelves. 

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When I get local updates on construction projects and road closures in my area, I just delete them.  It’s not like I am going anywhere.

I canceled the cleaning lady and tackled that job myself.  What she does in 3 hours took me 2 days, filled with way too many breaks. The regular cleaning person will be thrilled to know she is only being furloughed (with pay) and not replaced.

And here’s the thing about cleaning – after you do it, you have to do it again!  I had that stovetop sparkling, and then I sautéed chicken and had to start over again. It’s as frustrating as shaving my legs.  You have to do that again, too – just not right now.

I finally removed the gel polish from my nails by soaking cotton balls in nail polish remover and wrapping each finger in aluminum foil.  It took me a while to figure out that I had to do this one hand at a time!  Then I clipped and filed my nails to prevent germs from getting under my nails.  And I almost immediately broke nails on three fingers.

I can’t seem to focus.  I wake up every day thinking that this was all just a bad dream.  But when I wake up, it is just worse every day.  That will eventually change, but I’m convinced that things will never be “normal” again.

I can’t make a decision.  At breakfast, I agonized over whether I should use strawberry, blueberry or cherry jam on the English muffin I had stored in the freezer since Christmas. Hey, at least I had choices!

I have started to bake!  Little Betty Crocker here made cookies from a cake mix last week and, for the first time ever, baked bread!  I had a recipe for challah and had bought yeast a while back (yeast is nowhere to be found in the supermarket now), so I tried it.  It looked and tasted nothing like challah, but it was good, fresh and “rustic,” which I think describes its density and irregular texture.  I realized as I was getting ready to pop it into the oven that I lack the ability to braid.  I’ll have to work on that!

I think I know why I am so unproductive.  When I tell myself I can put something off until tomorrow, I actually CAN put it off until tomorrow.  I’ll still be here, and I have plenty of time to get things done.  

The most reliable thing during this pandemic is the almost daily arrival of a text from Kohl’s announcing their latest sale.  I wonder if people are buying more stuff since they are home more.  I am not.  

I feel like I am on an episode of “Survivor,” but without the challenges and the need to parade around in my underwear.  And in a much nicer and more comfortable “camp.”

I keep wondering how Tom Hanks survived on that deserted island in “Castaway.”  Note to self: Order a Wilson volleyball.

Does every message we see on TV – car companies, furniture companies, etc. – have to start with “In these trying/challenging times…?”  

My shopping list is now considered a “wish list,” as supplies dwindle and the list grows longer.

It seems I spend half of my day washing my hands.  And now I know the proper way to do that, and it DOES take at least 20 seconds!

My countertops have been scrubbed so much that I think the granite is wearing off.

Someone asked me yesterday what my plans were for today.  “I think I’ll stay in,” I replied.

 

My neighbors and I had a “get together” the other day.  I was outside grilling a steak from the freezer on my patio, so my next-door neighbor went out on her patio to say hello from probably 25 feet away.  Then a third neighbor emerged from her house and we shouted greetings to each other.  Fun times.  Let’s do this together real soon.

I think being cooped up is starting to get to my sister. She told me she feels like an “unproductive member of society.”  She told me she was going to “sneak out of the house for a walk” today.  I had to remind her that social distancing is not the same as house arrest.  She’s not wearing a monitor on her ankle, as far as I know.

After 2 weeks of quarantining myself, I finally ventured out to ShopRite.  With my baseball cap, face mask and gloves, I looked more like I was there to rob the store than to shop.  Now that we all have to wear this gear, and it looked like a civilian invasion of the supermarket. 

It is tough to recognize my friends and neighbors when they are all wearing hats and masks.  I think we will all learn to be more expressive with our eyes. 

 

So today I did my biggest shopping EVER, buying things to keep me fed with some variety in my menu (meat, fish and chicken).  I even scored a package of sanitizing wipes.  This will be my new routine: buy enough for two weeks so I don’t have to stop at the store every two days to pick things up for dinner.  Logistics and inventory are my specialties now!

Is it possible to pull a muscle in my leg from pushing that cart around the supermarket?  I think I did.

Now we are all supposed to wear masks when we go anywhere.  And if you don’t sew or have a sewing machine, you can cut up a t-shirt or a sock.  Really?  In a country rich with technology and resources, we are supposed to rely on our own craft skills?  Luckily for me, I have some masks I bought when I had a bad respiratory issue.  But otherwise, I would be having bad flashbacks to junior high Home EC class and that dress I had to make that was so badly done that my mother later sewed up the bottom and made it into a laundry bag.  I am NOT crafty.

Some companies are advertising masks with all kinds of logos on them.  The trademark police should come after them since the prices for some of these cloth masks – not medical grade – can be $20 apiece.  Rip-off!

You will know things are really bad when I start thinking about trimming my own bangs.

The other day my hair came out great, but no one was here to see it.  I wonder what it will look like in a ponytail. My hair is getting long enough that it is starting to flip up in the back. By the time this confinement is over, I will look like Florence Henderson as Carol Brady in The Brady Bunch, only as a brunette – unless my hair is completely gray by then.  Who knows?  I have always wanted to try to let my hair grow and always succumbed to the urge to cut it.  Now? I will have to add hair scrunchies to my shopping list. 

I started this ordeal with brown hair speckled with gray.  Now I have gray hair speckled with brown.

Good news – I checked online, and you can still buy a Flowbee, an electric hair clipper attached to a vacuum, to cut your hair.  Bad news -- the price has been totally jacked up as people get desperate for personal grooming.

My calendar has never looked so blank.  I needed a break, but really, I’m done with that now!

My advice is to do something every day but do it at home.  Stay safe, stay healthy, stay sane, and STAY HOME.

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Tina's March 2020 Movies and More

Here are a few gems to keep you entertained while you are following directive to STAY HOME! Movies marked with an asterisk are ones I had not seen previously. All are rated on a scale on 1-5 cans of tuna fish. Numbering picks up from previous months.

26.  Picture Perfect (1997) – There’s nothing perfect about Kate’s (Jennifer Anniston) life.  She is a hardworking ad exec who is single and lives alone.  Those qualities seem to preclude her as a candidate for advancement.  So when she meets Nick (Jay Mohr), the videographer of a wedding she attends, she prevails on him to pose as her fiancée, inundating him with important information on her life (how she takes her coffee) so she can introduce him to her colleagues and then break up with him, thus giving her the gravitas she needs to impress her bosses.  Meanwhile, she is having a fling with colleague and womanizer Sam (Kevin Bacon).  It doesn’t take long for us to realize that Kate most likely will begin to find Nick someone she can put into her life legitimately.  Very light and moderately charming.  3 cans.
27.  The Way Back* (2020) – A sports redemption pictures go, this is one of the better ones.  Ben Affleck plays Jack Cunningham, former basketball star at the local high school, who is no longer with his wife and has largely separated himself from the people who care for him.  Instead, he shows up at work and drinks, goes home and drinks and goes to the local bar and drinks.  Considering Affleck’s well-publicized personal battles with alcohol, in many ways, this movie wasn’t a stretch for him.  When Jack is asked to take over as the coach of the high school team where he once starred as a player, he rehearses every possible way to turn down the offer.  But he can’t, and instead he emerges as a really good coach who turns the team around.  But can he truly redeem himself and find the way back, or will he slip back into his old habits?  You will have to see this one to find out – and it is worth it.  3½ cans.  This is a good movie, but it is not “Hoosiers,” the ultimate basketball redemption movie.
28.  The Factory* (2020) – When a Chinese company took over an abandoned Ohio GM factory to open Fuyako Glass, the optimism for the success of the partnership was high.  But the Americans hired by the new company and the culture of the Chinese workers and management resulted in a culture clash.  The Chinese were accustomed to exacting standards and long hours, and the Americans did not feel comfortable with the imposed rules.  There were safety issues, union issues and training issues.  The new company was determined to succeed and make a profit, but at what cost?  This is a very absorbing commentary on the working class from two disparate areas of the world, their hopes and aspirations and the reality of business.  Catch it on Netflix.  3½ cans.
29.  The Women of Troy* (2020) – This HBO documentary tells the story of the emergence of women’s college basketball in the 1980s, led by one of the best players of all-time, Cheryl Miller, leads a supremely talented team from the University of Southern California to two consecutive NCAA titles.  Until that time, small schools like Immaculata, outside of Philadelphia, and the Lady Techsters of Louisiana Tech were the elite basketball schools.  But with the adoption of Title IX legislation that required schools to fund men and women equally (and not just in athletics), large schools like USC began to dominate.  If you are a women’s basketball fan, you will be thrilled to see the exploits of the first generation of women superstars, such as Cynthia Cooper, Kim Mulkey, Nancy Lieberman, Miller and her teammates Pam and Paula McGee, who bring athleticism and razzle-dazzle to the women’s game.  This film traces their story on the college level as well as the birth of women’s professional basketball in the US with the formation of the WNBA, affording players an opportunity to continue their post-college basketball careers in the US and make a living.  Catch this one since we all missed March Madness.  4 cans.
30.  The Karate Kid (1984) – Ralph Macchio plays Daniel, a kid from New Jersey who moves with his mom to California, meets the pretty girl at school (Elizabeth Shue) and gets bullied by the blonde surfer dudes who practice karate – on his face.  He is a good kid, just trying to fit in, but the guys won’t give him a chance.  When handyman Mr. Miyagy (Pat Morita) offers to teach him karate, Daniel is willing but dubious of his unconventional training approach, which includes waxing a car (“wax on, wax off”), painting a fence and standing on one leg.  But the skinny kid somehow manages to pull it all together to compete in an under-18 tournament with the bigger and stronger bully boys.  Guess what happens?  3 cans and a cheer for the underdog.
31.  The Heart of the Game (2005) – With the possible exception of “Hoop Dreams,” there is no finer documentary about basketball (or sports, in my opinion) than this 7-year look at Coach Bill Resler and his Roosevelt High Rough Riders in Seattle, Washington.  A college tax professor, Resler takes on the hapless high school girls basketball team and uses an unconventional approach to urge the girls on to victory.  He tells them they are a pack of wolves or tigers, and they abandon traditional offensive sets and swarm the opposition on defense.  When the gifted Darnellia Russell shows up (a year after the documentary starts), she brings her considerable basketball skills and sometimes poor attitude to challenge Resler.  Will they win the state championship?  Will Darnellia overcome her own problems to stay on the team?  I know the outcome and yet every time I watch this movie I am thrilled at each basket, each pass, and each game.  If you like sports and enjoy documentaries, you’ve gotta have “Heart.”  5 cans.
32.  Lost Girls* (2020) – Shannon Gilbert is missing in Long Island, and her mother, Mari (Amy Ryan) is relentless in pushing the police to look for her.  During the search, police find the bodies of three other young women, all prostitutes, dumped and unaccounted for.  The cops need a push so Shannon is not forgotten as police delve further into the work of what may be a serial killer.  Very absorbing and based on a real case.  Ryan is terrific as the ferocious mom.  4 cans.  Netflix.
33.  After the Wedding* (2019) – Isabel (Michelle Williams) is desperate to secure funding for the orphanage she runs in India, so when she is asked to return to NY to discuss a major donation by a potential benefactor, she reluctantly leaves her charges.  In New York, she meets with rich and powerful Theresa (Julianne Moore), who invites her to her daughter’s wedding the next day so they can get to know each other.  But Theresa’s husband (Billy Crudup) already knows Isabel.  That brief description is all I can supply without spoiling the plot.  I hope that’s enough to intrigue you, because the movie is worth seeing.  4 cans.
34.  This is a Game Ladies* (2004) – I would rather be watching my beloved Rutgers Women’s Basketball team on the court, but that is not possible since March Madness has been canceled.  So instead, I viewed this documentary for the first time, thanks to YouTube.  It traces the RUWBB team from right after its loss to Tennessee in the Final Four in 2000 through the next full season with a glimpse of the 2001-2002 squad. Long-time fans will find the familiar faces of Rutgers players from way back and can relive some thrilling victories and agonizing defeats.  Above it all is the dominating figure of Coach C. Vivian Stringer as she encourages, cajoles, challenges and leads her young ladies through a season of highs and lows, with her burning desire to make them successful women.  4 cans, but I am biased on this one!
35.  The Mighty Macs (2009) – This improbable story is one you wouldn’t believe unless you knew it were true.  In 1971, young basketball coach Cathy Rush takes charge of the perennially losing Mighty Macs of tiny Immaculata College outside Philadelphia.  There was no gym and only one basketball.  The uniforms were pinafores with sashes, and the rules had just changed so the players were no longer restricted to just one area of the court as in the past.  NCAA basketball and Title IX did not yet exist.  In this impossible set of circumstances and with an unconventional approach to coaching, Rush, aided by a young nun, turned a very small group of players into champions who dominated the sport for three years.  Former Rutgers Coach Theresa Shank Grentz, a player on those Immaculata teams, has a cameo as the last nun in the pew.  A fun and inspiring story of trust, spirit and innovation.  3½ cans.
36. The Three Faces of Eve (1957) – Joanne Woodward stars in this unusual story of a woman with multiple personalities.  Dowdy housewife Eve White has “spells,” starting with a headache and progressing to blackouts, followed by amnesia.  Dr. Luther (Lee J. Cobb) can’t figure out what is wrong with her, until one day in his office when alter ego Eve Black emerges.  She is a randy woman who flirts with the psychiatrist, who cannot believe what he is seeing.  And Eve Black is not the only one crowded into Eve White’s head; there’s Jane, with no Southern accent, who is the sensible one, and who helps stabilize the situation.  It takes years of therapy and more frequent spells to finally determine the underlying cause of these personalities, which overpower Eve White. Interesting concept and played with enough nuance and sensitivity for Woodward to win the Oscar.   3½ cans because it seems dated and melodramatic now.
37.  Forrest Gump (1994) – This Tom Hanks classic (aside from “Bachelor Party,” has this guy ever made a real dud?) is about life, love, and loss, about celebrating the every man, showing us that we each have some kind of gift to bring to our existence and that you don’t need to be a genius to master life.  Yes, it is a fantasy and I generally avoid fantasies, but it is so heartwarming and poignant that it is irresistible.  I had not seen it in many years. I am glad I took the time. 4½ cans.
38.  Dirty Dancing (1987) – Frances “Baby” Hausman (Jennifer Grey) meets dreamy dancer Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze) at a Catskills resort, takes one look and becomes a great dancer.  He’s all wrong for her, of course, but he won’t put her in the corner.  Great music and dancing and watching it now makes my heart ache for Swayze.  If you need more detail, just see the movie.  4 cans.
39.   Self-Made* (2020) – Until Madam C. J. Walker (Octavia Spencer) came along with her hair products empire in the early 1900s, there were no female self-made millionaires in the US.  In this Netflix mini-series, Spencer starts as the laundrywoman for Addie, a rich woman with her own hair care business.  She won’t hire Madam Walker to do sales because she does not fit the image of the other African-American women who sell and use her products, so Walker sets off to develop better products and succeeds beyond her rival.  Walker is an industrious woman with a fierce strength, and she never stops battling to build a factory and grow her business.  She hired thousands of black women who went on to their own success, and she was an early philanthropist, giving to historically black colleges such as Spelman.  People have criticized this story, saying it glosses over facts, but I am only judging what I see as a story of a fiercely independent woman who was far ahead of her time.  3½ cans.
40.  The Princess Bride* (1987) – You just don’t find a lot of good, swashbuckling movies anymore, but if you like heroes and villains and damsels in distress, this one will tickle your fancy.  This fantasy is intelligent and very clever with a host of excellent actors who keep their tongues (mostly) out of their cheeks and not overplaying their parts.  The bonus was seeing the young Fred Savage as the grandson listening to his grandfather (Peter Falk) tell this good, old-fashioned story.  There are memorable characters (Wallace Shawn and Many Patinkin as Inigo Montoya) and lines and silly situations, but it all works in an off-kilter, Monty Python kind of way.  Right now, I could use a little fantasy.  I cannot believe I had never seen this one!  3½ cans. (I’d give it a 4 but I don’t LOVE fantasies.)