Random Thoughts for February

Random Thoughts for Feb 2014

I get the Summer Olympics.  They run, they jump, they lift heavy objects, they wrestle, they swim.  But the Winter Olympics?  These sports are crazy:  Slope style  something, the race on the sled where you essentially do a plank for the whole time?  Teams of snowboarders?  And 2-hours of cross-country skiing on a team?  Plus, they have so many decals and designs on their uniforms (thank you, curlers) and their helmets that I can not only not figure out what country they are from, I can’t tell who they are or even their gender in many cases.  I get Michael Phelps – little bathing suit, pair of headphones and bathing cap.  But the rest of these athletes confuse me even as they amaze me.  You have to be nuts to jump off a big hill of snow, flip around in the air, land BACKWARDS, and keep on going. 

I don't know what the fox says and I don't care.

I rarely make pasta anymore (too tempting and too hard to control the portions), but, when I do, I always use a jar of pasta sauce. Despite what the purists say about homemade, I figure Paul Newman subjected HIS sauce to great scrutiny and conducted extensive research to make it the best it could be. I can't say the same about mine.  And besides, his is good and FAST – you heat it for minutes instead of cooking for hours. Pass the Paul's, please.

My BFF and I had a serious discussion about the importance of eating healthy foods and getting regular exercise, and how hard we work – though we are far from perfect – at both of these aspects of our lives.  Then she raised a thought-provoking question:  At what age can you abandon those healthy practices and just eat whatever you damn please?  75?  80?  90?  At what point can I renounce my Weight Watchers membership and start ordering desserts, or bring home a box of Entenmanns’s donuts without life-threatening guilt?  Food for thought, huh?

Seriously, how is it that the throw rug next to my bed keeps slipping under the bed when it is on the carpet, not on a bare floor?  I just don’t understand it.

Don’t you hate it when you wake up from a particularly vivid dream – good or bad – and you are sure you will remember it because you will want to share it with someone, and then you go back to sleep and can’t remember it when you get up?

I am relatively new to Sirius radio since it came with my new car. I never thought I'd want it since most of my trips are short, but I now admit I am hooked.  But Sirius, like Pandora, has some questionable algorithms for what songs should be on various channels.  Frank Sinatra recorded thousands of songs, so if I go to "Siriusly Sinatra," I really only want to hear Frank, not Louis Armstrong or other singers.  But other than that, I really love it.  I especially love that the name of the artist and the name of the song come up on the screen.  It is amazing how many songs I know without ever having known their actual names and who sings them!

When I feel like eating clementines, I am forced to buy a box or a bag of them, which gives me way too many for one person to consume.  At least with a bunch of bananas, I can take only as many as I can eat before they spoil, but with clementines, it seems I always end up throwing some away.  I need to find someone with whom to split the box or bag.

I bought Cara Cara oranges the other day, though I had never heard of them.  They are the size of grapefruits and have an reddish/pinkish tinge, like a pink grapefruit.  Supposedly they are less acidic than a regular orange.  I'm just wondering where these have been or whether they just joined the orange family, and, if so, how that happened.  Too much time on my hands, right?

Among the life lessons I would like to impart to my nearly 21-year old nephew is this:  Never, ever slice an English muffin.  Always split it with a fork.  I wonder whether he knows this.  He's at the age where he thinks he knows everything.

And speaking of English muffins, don't you hate it when you are eating a burger – or, in my case, something on a light English muffin – and the bottom of the muffin or roll gets smaller and smaller as you eat it?  Eventually you are left with virtually no bottom and the meaty insides are in your hand.  Sometimes I flip the sandwich over halfway through to even things out.

Maybe it’s just me, but I really enjoy the music they play in the supermarket.  Within recent weeks, I have heard the old song “Jean” by Oliver twice.  I guarantee I would not have heard that forgotten oldie on Sirius radio or on Pandora.  Yeah, OK, it probably IS just me.

I'll say this for actress Melinda Dillon: She didn't work much, but she played the mother in two of the most widely-seen movies of all-time – "A Christmas Story" and "ET."

Don’t you feel stupid when someone stops you for directions and you can’t remember the names of the streets or tell them how to get there, even if it is a place you go or pass by routinely?  We tend to overlook the street names in favor of “make a right at Lisa’s house, then go straight until you hit Shop-Rite,” which doesn’t do the lost traveler much good.  Thank goodness for the GPS and SmartPhones with directions. 

I can kind of understand why TV weather people are forced to stand outside to report on extreme weather conditions (we like to see them almost blow away), but I don't get why they make the sportscasters report from the frozen tundra while there is no game going on.  If the reporter is talking on Tuesday about Sunday's game in Green Bay, can't he just tell us the forecast calls for ridiculously cold temperatures?  Watching his breath emerge as smoke doesn't persuade me to tune into the game.  Back to the comfort of the studio, I say!

Speaking of which, I now get more of my news, sports and weather via social media than I do by watching the news.  Just scrolling through Twitter or Facebook provides me with news and features that are more customized to my interests or that I can click on or scroll past.  That sound you hear is Walter Cronkite spinning in his grave.

The two most overused words in the English language are awesome and amazing.  I think our standards have been lowered, because everything these days is described as amazing.  "That was an amazing blog you wrote last month," someone will say.  Thanks, but does that mean all the rest of my entries are routine and this one was so much better that it surprised you?  Now I can understand the use of the word in some situations:  "Johnny got a perfect score on his SATs, and he cannot even count to 10."  THAT would be awesome and amazing.  But if I merely show up and do what is expected, why should anyone find that amazing?  Not that I don't appreciate or troll for compliments, mind you, but I am amazed by the awesomeness of them sometimes.

Among the things I hate to do is changing the sheets on my bed.  I love clean sheets, but getting that bottom, fitted sheet to fit is like a wrestling match, despite the fact that I buy sheets with really deep corners.  I guess they shrink over time.  I have to exert all the pressure I can to get the sheet to stretch over the bed.  By then I'm exhausted and ready to hit the sheets.

I can no longer tell black from blue.  I compare everything to the black suit hanging in my closet that I am sure is black because it said so on the label when I bought it.  But if I show up wearing black socks with blue pants, or a blue sweater with black pants, please let me know, assuming that this is not a universal affliction.

And why do I not have to us the word "an" in front of "universal" in the previous sentence.  English has some strange rules.

Why is it that I cannot fall asleep or stay asleep in my big, plush "Heavenly Bed," yet put me in a movie theater, sitting upright, and I can't keep my eyes open?

Don’t you hate it when you bite the inside of your cheek?  Every time you chew afterwards you end up biting it again.  It’s like when you have a toothache or lose a filling and you cannot keep your tongue from wandering over to the empty spot.

Recently I happened to watch a documentary on the planning and building of the George Washington Bridge.  I doubt the visionaries whose work made it possible could have imagined the GW becoming a tool used for retribution by politicians.  Is it any wonder why New Jersey is the butt of so many jokes? 

I am in a dilemma.  My lucky socks – that I always wore to Rutgers Women’s basketball games – were on hand for two losses recently, AND one of them got a hole in the toe, so I tossed it out.  The team won with the pair I wore the other day, so do they become my lucky socks now?  I might be better off just not having a lucky pair of anything, so I could just wear any pair of socks and not have to worry about keeping a particular pair clean.  Did I mention I was superstitious?  Believe me, it is never easy being me!

  

Tina's January 2014 Movies

Another year, another series of movie reviews.  Here are the ground rules:  Movies are rated on a scale of 0-5 cans of tuna fish (my childhood favorite food - besides anything chocolate, that is).  Movies marked with an asterisk* are ones I had not seen previously.  All reviews are strictly my opinion.  A well-reviewed movie may not be one I enjoyed, and, conversely, some that receive no accolades may just be personal favorites of mine. You are here to see what I thought about the 150 or so movies I see each year and to draw your own conclusions.

1.  Easy Money (1983) – Noel Coward surely never wrote anything like this.  Rodney Dangerfield is the twitchy Monty Capulet, a man of simple interests:  He likes to smoke, drink, gamble and curse, and he loves hanging out with his equally low-brow friends like Nick (Joe Pesci).  When Monte’s wealthy mother-in-law dies, he will inherit her $10 million fortune if he can clean up his act in a year.  Easy money?  Hardly for Monty, who is reduced to eating salads and giving up beer.  Dangerfield is perfectly cast as a “regular guy,” and while this comedy will never be known for its highbrow values, it is nonetheless an amusing look at class differences and lifestyles.  Though I prefer Rodney in “Back to School,” this one is easy to watch.  3½ cans.

2.  The Purple Rose of Cairo* (1985) – The affable Jeff Daniels has a dual role in this ingenious Woody Allen movie.  He plays Tom Baxter, a pith-helmet wearing actor in a movie watched repeatedly by lonely Cecilia (Mia Farrow).  When Tom breaks through the 4^th wall and leaves the screen to meet Cecelia, the actor who plays him on the screen, Gil Shepherd (also Jeff Daniels), shows up to stop Tom from ruining his career.  What is real and what exists only in the movies?  Poor Cecelia is torn between Tom and Gil, both of whom want her to be in their respective worlds, while the cast of the abandoned movie continues to exhort Tom to come back to the screen.  A very clever and winning movie and one without Woody as an actor (he never would have fit in).  3½ cans.

3.  Lars & the Real Girl* (2007) – Lars is almost the perfect boyfriend.  He is kind, thoughtful, polite – and delusional.  A lonely and quiet man, Lars (Ryan Gosling) eschews company and cannot bare to be touched.  But when one of his porn-loving co-workers shows him a website that offers life-like dolls, he orders Bianca, who comes into his life and the lives of the indulgent town folk.  Everyone – not just Lars – treats Bianca as real.  She gets a “job” modeling in a store window, “reads” to children at the hospital and is elected to the school board.  At first, his brother and sister-in-law are reluctant to play along, but they begin to see a real relationship develop between a man with little emotion and a “woman” with even less.  This movie is quirky, no doubt, but there is a tenderness here, particularly displayed by the people surrounding the reluctant Lars, that is very sweet.  Any movie that can make Ryan Gosling NOT look like a doll himself has to have some magic.  3½ cans.

4.  Manhattan (1979) – I’m still on a Woody Allen kick, leftover from last year, and I decided to revisit this romantic comedy/drama.  Forgetting the plot and the dialog for a moment, I have to say this movie is gorgeous to view.  Manhattan has never looked better, richly shot in black and white, with its characters sometimes shot solely in silhouette, accompanied by the symphonic strains of George Gershwin.  As for the plot, Woody Allen plays Issac, a 42-year old writer who is dating beautiful 17-year old Tracy (Mariel Hemingway, in a notable screen debut).  Knowing his off-screen story makes this relationship a little creepy for me, so when he starts dating Mary (Diane Keaton, naturally), the ex-girlfriend of his married friend Yale (Michael Murphy), the pairing seems more natural.  I have trouble believing that a man who looks and acts like Woody Allen would have women like Keaton, Hemingway and Meryl Streep, who plays his lesbian ex-wife, show even the remotest interest in his neurotic, insecure character.  The story is about love, when you know, who is best for you and having a little faith in people.  And who can forget that stunning shot of Keaton and Allen in the lower right part of the screen, sitting and conversing while gazing at the Queensboro Bridge?  Seeing it again, I realize this is one of Woody’s best works.  I’ll take Manhattan.  4 cans.

5.  On the Mat* (2012) – Every year, I seem to find a sports documentary to watch that I haven’t seen before.  This one is about Lake Stevens High School, about an hour north of Seattle, and its wrestling team.  Wrestling is a sport where any kid can participate, no matter how big or small.  So the 103-pound kid who is lying motionless on the mat one week can come back and vie for a state championship.  The sport relies on mental toughness, discipline and the ability to “make weight.”  These kids starve themselves to qualify in a particular weight category.  Like all other sports movies, this one has the kid who is the outsider, who brings the drama, and kids for whom wrestling is everything.  There is the coach who is determined to use wrestling to teach life lessons to his young charges.  And there is the staple of all sports films, the ultimate test of prowess – in the case, the state tournament.  Would any of these hard-working kids become a state champ?  Win or lose, would they pile up enough points to help their school claim the state title?  Would this film be released if they didn’t?  It may be cliché, but it is a winner.  3 cans. 

6.  August: Osage County* (2013) – My sister and I eagerly awaited the latest Meryl Streep movie as our Christmas choice and were highly disappointed when it didn’t open widely until this month.  So with a chip on our shoulders, we went to see it, hoping Meryl would redeem her tardiness with another Award-winning performance.  As my sister insists, Meryl never disappoints, and here, as Violet, she is a mean and ornery woman dealing with cancer, a failing marriage, drug addiction (hers) and a litany of family issues.  When her three daughters descend upon the family home in desolate Oklahoma during a crisis, they all bring their worst behavior and put the fun in dysfunctional.  There is plenty of vitriol over past transgressions, accompanied by swearing, food tossing, plate throwing and a knock-down, dragged out tussle between Meryl and Barbara (Julia Roberts).  And this film is supposedly a comedy.  We all have family issues, but this family has a few creepy surprises that I didn’t see coming.  The movie has its moments of levity – most of which you can catch in the trailers – and overall it is well-done, but in the same uncomfortable sense as “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf.”  4 cans, mostly because of the cast, which also includes Dermot Mulrooney, Juliette Lewis, Margo Martindale, Chris Cooper, Sam Shepperd and Julianna Nicholson.

7.  Her* (2013) – What are the chances I will see two movies in one month about men who fall in love with inanimate objects (see # 3 above)?  Writer-director Spike Jonze creates a world where people are so dependent on their devices that they rarely interact with each other.  Instead, they are dependent on a SmartPhone or computer for everything from checking their mail to ordering food to building relationships.  So when Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix) falls in love with Samantha, his new operating system (sexy voice courtesy of Scarlett Johansen), this behavior isn’t unusual, it is accepted.  After all, Samantha is the perfect girlfriend.  You don’t need to dress up – or even shower – to go out on a date with her, she’s always available, and you are only paying for yourself.  Odd doesn’t begin to describe this movie – complete with sex scenes – but the thing that drove me crazy was that Theodore simply had to press the button on his ear piece to summon her.  Doesn’t she have to be charged?  And who among us hasn’t had our operating system crash?  Yes, she did shut down once for a system update, but that was the only part with which I could identify.  Well-thought out and clever, with excellent performances by all the players (including Amy Adams), but a little too bizarre for my more basic tastes.  3 cans.

8.  Our Vines Have Tender Grapes* (1945) – Edward G. Robinson is cast against type as the Norwegian father of a family in Wisconsin in this look at life in simpler times.  Young Margaret O’Brien steals the show as his curious and lovable daughter.  There’s not much here in the way of plot beyond Papa’s desire to build a new barn, but the feeling is one of heart.  Still, way too dull for my taste. 2 cans.

9.  Radio Days (1987) – And the Woody Allen Film Festival continues with this nostalgic trip back to the 1940s, where writer-director-narrator Allen recalls his youth.  The family depicted is large, encompassing parents, aunts and uncles, etc., and, despite bickering and living modestly, they all appreciate each other and live vicariously through the people whose lives they hear about on the radio.  The radio broadcasts of the era are the genesis of the story, but it is the strength and warmth of the family that touches the viewer.  Allen being Allen, there are moments of levity, but this one is more heart-warming than laugh-inducing.  The usual Allen troupe shows up – Mia Farrow, Dianne Wiest, Diane Keaton, Tony Roberts and others, including my personal fave, Brenda Morgenstern herself, Julie Kavner.   A mostly sweet and leisurely stroll down Memory Lane.  3½ cans.

10.  The Remains of the Day (1993) – If you enjoy Downton Abbey, you’ll probably like this look at life in an English manor home.  Anthony Hopkins is Stevens, the butler of Darlington House, where he serves Lord Darlington in the 1930s.  Though there is ample political talk here, as Lord Darlington advocates positions prior to the war that would be later frowned upon, the central story is about the relationship between the butler and the housekeeper, Miss Kenton (Emma Thompson).  They disagree on many issues, the biggest of which is expressing their opinions.  Kenton doesn’t hesitate to state her views, but the circumspect Stevens’ focus is strictly on serving the house.  He prefers not to listen to the views of the important people who visit Darlington in favor of making sure everything is in perfect order for whomever is on hand.  Hopkins and Thompson are brilliant, and we so want them to get together here.  No spoilers, please.  One more thought – it is jarring to see a robust Christopher Reeve playing an American Congressman, knowing what would later happen to him in real life.  So sad.  4½ cans.

11.  Salinger* (2014) – Is there anyone out there who doesn’t know the story of Holden Caulfield, poster boy for disaffected youth, or his creator, famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger?  (If you don’t, please don’t fess up, or I will be forced to defriend you.)  This PBS documentary on American Masters takes a long look at Salinger, from his desire to be published in The New Yorker to his days fighting in WWII through his marriages and his notoriously quiet existence in New Hampshire, where he fended off journalists and photographers but periodically invited strangers – mostly young women – into his life.  His publication of “The Catcher in the Rye” in 1951 had a profound effect on its readers and generations of people who eschewed phonies and saw themselves through Holden’s eyes.  Thought he didn’t publish anything for many years before his death in 2010, Salinger remained busy writing away in his little cottage outside his home.  His works are scheduled to be released starting in 2015, when a new generation will have a chance to experience his style while the rest of us wonder if we will feel the same way we did when we first read Catcher.  Salinger is a fascinating but flawed man and this documentary gave me new insights into his life.  4 cans.

12.  The Place Beyond the Pines* (2012) – The decisions you make and the actions you take can affect your life and the lives of others for generations.  If you don’t believe that, watch this gripping drama.  It starts off as an action-adventure, then goes into a story about moral decisions and then progresses on to a tense conclusion.  The movie was not at all what I expected, and to say more would ruin the plot.  I watched it largely because of its stars – Ryan Gosling, Eva Mendes and Bradley Cooper – all of whom give top-notch performances.  To learn more, look it up on-line, or, even better, watch it for yourself.  3½ cans.

13.  The Heart of the Game (2005) – With the possible exception of “Hoop Dreams,” there is no finer documentary about basketball (or sports, in my opinion) than this 7-year look at Coach Bill Resler and his Roosevelt High Rough Riders.  A college tax professor, Resler takes on the hapless high school girls basketball team and uses his unconventional approach to urge the girls on to victory.  He tells them they are a pack or wolves or tigers, and they abandon traditional offensive sets and swarm the opposition on defense.  When the gifted Darnellia Russell shows up (a year after the documentary starts), she brings her considerable basketball skills and sometimes an attitude to match to challenge Resler.  Will they win the state championship?  Will Darnellia overcome her own problems to stay on the team?  I know the outcome and yet I watch this movie every time thrilled at each basket, each pass, and each game.  If you like sports and enjoy documentaries, you’ve gotta have “Heart.”  4½ cans.

14.  A Walk on the Moon (1999)  –  Pearl Kantrowitz (Diane Lane) is a bored housewife, spending the summer in the Catskills with her teenaged daughter, young son and mother-in-law (Tovah Feldshuh, who is fabulous in the role), playing mah jongg with the other ladies of summer while the men return to the city for their jobs and see how fast they can make the trip back up to the cottages on weekends.  So when the “Blouse Man” (Viggo Mortenson, looking just like tennis player Bjorn Borg) offers her a bit more than something to wear, she sheepishly sheds her abandon.  The summer of 1969 was a huge time of change in music, culture and mores, with Woodstock just around the corner from their summer home.  Pearl sees in the Blouse Man a different world, a different life – and different sex from what the routine she and husband Marty (Liev Schreiber) practice.  Her m-i-l knows right away she is “schtupping” someone else, and the reality of dealing with a sexually awakening teenager while she herself is awakening presents a real dilemma for Pearl.  When I first saw this movie, I liked it immediately.  The references to the period seem completely authentic to me, as does every other aspect of the movie.  Oh, and men actually do land on the moon, in a moment Pearl is unlikely to forget.  Years before she became “Unfaithful” to Richard Gere, Lane portrays a woman with a similar moral dilemma and just a little less agony and ecstasy.  4 cans.

15.  Postcards from the Edge (1990) – A drugged out actress (Meryl Streep) is literally dumped at the ER by the man she’s been with (Dennis Quaid) and wakes up, stomach pumped, to find herself in rehab.  The only way she can get work is to agree to live with her alcoholic mother (Shirley MacLaine), a noted star herself who is enough to drive anyone to drink.  The acerbic wit of writer Carrie Fisher is sharply on display in this story that is based on Fisher’s relationship with star/mother Debbie Reynolds.  Streep and MacLaine are memorable in their strained exchanges, though any amateur analyst can see how their relationship has devolved over the years.  As if she wasn’t a considerable enough actress, Streep shows off her singing prowess here, too.  And MacLaine, whose character is much larger than life, belts out the Broadway tune “I’m Still Here,” just to again take the focus off her daughter.  All this, and comedy to boot.  This is my 3^rd Meryl movie of the month. You can’t get too much Meryl.  4 cans.

16.  The Help (2011) – I loved this movie when it was first released and decided to see it again.  It is the moving, amusing and enlightening story of a group of women housemaids in Jackson, Mississippi, and the exasperating and cruel junior league women who employ them.  When aspiring writer Eugenia “Skeeter” Phelan (Emma Stone) decides to write about the maids, she has to first earn their trust.  Skeeter isn’t like the snobby young women with whom she was brought up, and she forms a bond with Aibileen (Viola Davis, who lost out on the Oscar only because Meryl made yet another movie), a strong and loving woman who has raised many children for her employers only to see them become just as insensitive as their mothers.  And if you think Abi has stories to tell, wait til you hear Minnie’s (Octavia Spencer, who did win an Oscar).  Skeeter, who goes toe-to-toe with Miss Hilly (Bryce Dallas Howard), head snob of the town.  This is a rich and rewarding movie, which, like the book upon which it is based, should not be missed.  4 cans.

17.  Heartburn (1986) – Meryl Month continues in the Gordon household with this Nora Ephron story based on her marriage to Watergate writer Carl Bernstein.  Considering it co-stars Meryl and Jack Nicholson, Ephron wrote the book, Mike Nichols directed and Carly Simon did several songs, overall, this is a disappointing effort.  Maybe it is that the story is based on the flawed marriage between the main characters.  He cheats and she tries to deal with it.  There are amusing moments, but much of the movie just felt padded and empty.  I remember not liking this one much in the 80s, and it didn’t get better with age.  2½ cans.

Things I Learned in 2013 (and Hope to Remember in 2014)

With all of two weeks' context from which to look back on 2013, I have decided the lessons of the year merit an airing here.

1.  Cancer sucks – Too many people I know have it, had it, are recovering from it – or worse.  This news is always devastating and life-changing.  And while I know people do survive it – I am one, having survived colon cancer back in 2000 – I am angry that cancer interrupts their lives and crushes their hopes.  I know we are mere mortals, but this diagnosis is a slap upside the head for those who receive it themselves, their families and their friends.  Let’s give our support to these individuals, donate to the cause and pray that science can gain the upper hand so we can eradicate this dreaded illness.  Signs of optimism abound.

2.  Losing weight is better than gaining weight – I had a year of no net weight loss, despite going to Weight Watchers faithfully.  Apparently just showing up isn’t enough.  I feel and look better when I am losing, so I am determined to get back on the wagon and head down that path again after a minor interruption.  Your health is everything, and losing weight for me is the key.

3.  Along the same lines, work out! – I went through a tough year with my knee in 2013, seeing two different orthopedic docs and going through months of physical therapy.  Now I know I can push – but not too much. It is so important to be active, although I now understand that I can’t walk 3 miles every day.  But I can do better and be aware of what my body tells me.

4.  Wisdom & Self-control – This was the motto when I went to Douglass College (unlike the fictional Faber College from “Animal House,” where the motto was “Knowledge is good”), and I had to call on it more than ever in 2013, as I had to deal with a number of tough issues as president of the Associate Alumnae of Douglass College.  My term is over at the end of June, and it has been as rewarding as it has been challenging.  I never realized how much “wisdom and self-control” I would need, and how much I could muster.

5.  Sometimes your team loses – I am a passionate fan of many teams, but the Yankees, Giants and Rutgers Football had off-years in 2013, and my beloved Rutgers Women’s Basketball Team did not get into the NCAA tournament for the first time in many years.  Surprisingly, I survived, as did they all, and we live to fight – and cheer – another day.  It’s only a game, right?

6.  What you say or do can have a profound effect on people – I had many instances where people cited things I said or did that meant something to them during the past year.  Some people told me they decide which movies to see based on my reviews.  I have had people quote me to my face from an essay that moved them in some way.  Sometimes it was just to provide a laugh, but other times it was more meaningful. It made me think about what I say and do and that I should take it all a little more to heart.  People who listen to what I say expect it to make sense, I suppose.  But I will always try to leave them laughing, which is sometimes just what they need.

7.  It’s OK to spend money – I know this because my financial advisor assured me it was true.  So when I bought another camera that I didn’t need (but love) and a new car to replace my 16-year old Mercedes, Gracie (I welcomed a 2014 Mercedes, Emma Rose, in September), I didn’t have to justify it to anyone, including myself.  As long as I also support causes that are meaningful to me, I can justify my self-indulgent spending.  After all, I am contributing to the economy, right?  Think of it as the Tina Gordon Stimulus Package.  And that 30% off at Kohl’s must be a win-win.

8.  Time is of the essence – I wish I could spend more of it with friends, but sometimes our mutual obligations and busy schedules get in the way.  I don’t want to regret anything, and time is a precious commodity.  I lost some people who were important to me in 2013, and I saw friends lose people who were important to them, too.  We don’t get them – or the time we missed – back.  In 2014, I vow to spend more of it with the people who mean the most to me – whether they like it or not!

9.  Social networking is the new water cooler – I spent a lot of time on Facebook in 2013, but I think of it this way: I live alone, and all these clever thoughts I used to share with my co-workers would just go to waste if I didn’t have an audience.  So my Facebook timeline is loaded with bon mots – or what I think of as witticisms – that just lie out there until someone reacts.  It’s fun and much easier than doing a stand-up routine.  After all, I can sit down while I type, you know?

10.  Peace and joy – I spend a lot of time thinking about this subject, and how, sometimes, it takes so little to make me happy.  Watching a good movie and sharing it via my reviews, talking on the phone to a dear friend, cleaning out the pantry, knowing that the garbage service will whisk away the expired food – any and all of those things can make my day.  I love coming home to a clean house and clean sheets, courtesy of the cleaning lady.  Most of the time, I AM the cleaning lady, but twice a month I pay someone to do the heavy lifting.  That makes me keep the house neater and tidier, and that gives me peace.  As I get older, my highs aren’t all that high and my lows aren’t all that low, but peace and joy, friends and loved ones, help me to experience contentment.  I appreciate every day and am grateful to live this life.  Peace and joy to all.

Tina's December 2013 Movies and Top 5

I ended the year with a flourish, seeing 23 movies, including what turned out to be my favorite of the year ("Philomena"), bringing my total to 158 for 2013.  Here is what I watched in December.  At the end you will find my list of Top 5 Movies of 2013.  Happy New Year and Happy New Movies. Remember, numbering picks up from the previous month and movies marked with an asterisk as the ones I had not previously seen.

136.  Memories of Me (1988) – Billy Crystal is Abie Polin, a heart surgeon who suffers a heart attack.  Long estranged from his father, a Hollywood actor who describes himself as “The King of the Extras,” Abie goes to California to establish a relationship with the father who walked out on his mother when he was just a child.  Alan King is Abe Polin, a gregarious and popular guy among his cohorts on the fringe of acting.  There are amusing moments and a valiant attempt to be heartwarming here (Crystal as a heart surgeon, the father who named his son after himself), but establishing a real rapport takes time and exposure, and that’s something in limited supply.  There are a few good lines, but this movie is no “When Harry Met Sally.”  3 cans.

137.  The Book Thief* (2013) – Based on a book that I own but haven’t read, this movie is about Liesel, a young German girl whose poor mother is forced to give her up.  She is adopted by a cold woman (Julie Walters) and her more kindly husband (Geoffrey Rush).  The entire town is forced to endure the strife of WWII, complete with air raids and fear as the men in the town are drafted to go off to war.  Lisle learns to read, her one real enjoyment, and is befriended by the wife of the town mayor, who allows her to “borrow” books from their library.  This movie is longer than it needed to be and slower, but is full of heart and love as the family becomes a real family, especially as they harbor a fleeing Jew in their basement.  The remarkable performance by the young actress who plays Lisle is understated and punctuated by her enormous eyes.  4 cans.

138.  Philomena* (2013) –  Steve Coogan does yeoman’s work in this movie as one of the writers and as the co-star, but he is outpaced by the low-key and affecting performance by Dame Judi Dench in the title role.  Philomena is a motherless teenager living in a convent and forced to work for her keep when she gives birth to a baby boy.  The nuns treat the sinner with disdain but provide care for the baby and the young mothers like Philomena, until, without any notice, the boy is taken away and adopted.  Over the years, Philomena returns to the convent to try to find out what happened to him but she is told all records have been destroyed in a fire.  Martin (Coogan) is an unemployed writer and former news reporter who reluctantly, at first, takes on her search so he can write a human interest story.  The story unfolds, revealing the paths taken by mother and son.  Philomena is a content woman who gets excited by a juicy novel or having an omelet made to order.  Martin is more forceful and angry about her treatment by the nuns.  They take to the road, eventually going to the US to track down her beloved son.  Every nuance, every gesture by Dench feels true to the character in a story that is based on the real-life Philomena.  Holiday season always ushers in a glut of movies, but this one is destined to stand out in the crowd.  See it.  4½ cans.

139.  The Sound of Music* (2013) – It is impossible – if unfair – to judge this live television performance of the classic musical without comparing it to the movie version.  Country singer Carrie Underwood gamely tackles the role of the errant nun, Maria, and does so with nary a twang in her delivery of such well-known songs as “My Favorite Things” and “Do-Re-Mi.”  But where Julie Andrews proclaimed “the hills are alive” from the actual Alps, Carrie is relegated to a sound stage, which gives this version more of the feeling of a play that is strangely performed with no audience.  The story of the Von Trapp Singers and their escaping Austria just as the Third Reich was moving in is familiar to everyone who has seen the movie – and has anyone NOT seen the movie?  Underwood has a clear and beautiful voice but is an acting neophyte, and she can’t command the stage against the likes of seasoned Broadway vet Audra McDonald as Mother Superior.  But Underwood does a valiant job, even without displaying any sort of twinkle in her eye.  Less successful is Stephen Moyer as Captain Von Trapp, a stiff, uptight, autocrat who suddenly melts after a minimal exposure to earnest nanny Maria.  Technically, this is not a movie, but after sitting through 2½ hours of this corny show feeling rather unmoved by it all, I thought I should get credit on my list!  Ironically, I watched this live performance (the challenge for which I give the entire ensemble kudos) recorded on my DVR.  2½ cans and a vow to never see this version again.

140.  Six by Sondheim* (2013) – If you have enjoyed musical theater in the last 40 years or so, chances are you have seen the work of composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim.  From “West Side Story” (where he did the lyrics while Leonard Bernstein composed the score) to the shows he mounted with Hal Prince and others (“A Little Night Music,” “Sunday in the Park with George,” “Company” and “Follies,” among others), the prolific Sondheim has taken characters and created magical musical moments with his thoughtful lyrics and rhythms.  In this HBO documentary – which is a master class in how to create music – Sondheim himself explains how he writes, how he relates to the characters and creates stories in his music.  The next time you think of sending in the clowns or want to celebrate being alive, think of Sondheim.  If you like Broadway and favor the complexities of music and character, you’ll love this examination of a complicated and creative artist.  4 cans.

141.  A Place In the Sun (1951) – The first time impoverished George Eastman (Montgomery Clift) takes debutante Angela Vickers (a stunning Elizabeth Taylor) in his arms to dance, you know he’ll never let go.  Similarly, the moment George heads out on the lake in a rowboat with his pregnant, working class girlfriend Alice (a frumpy Shelley Winters), you know she’s not coming back.  George is related to a wealthy family and comes to town seeking a better life.  He gets a job at his uncle’s factory and starts dating Alice, but he soon meets socialite Angela and they fall for each other.  The pregnant girl represents an obstacle he must overcome to move up in society.  And even though we all know he wants her gone, the overarching question still makes me feel ambivalent (see it for yourself so I don’t spoil it entirely). This romantic melodrama/courtroom drama is based on a novel by Theodore Dreiser that is a big and juicy book, just as this is a big and juicy movie.  It certainly solidified Taylor’s status as the star of her generation, and Clift held his own against the beauty queen.  Classic.  4½ cans.

142.  Kind Hearts and Coronets* (1949) – I recently saw the hilarious Broadway show “A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder,” which is based on this British movie.  Louis (Dennis Price) learns he is a distant relation of the Duke of Chalfont, but in order to become the Duke himself, the 8 relatives who are ahead of him in line would have to die.  No problem for the supercilious and conniving – yet very proper – Louis, who proceeds to knock them off one at a time.  All of the victims, from an old banker to an old woman, are played with great style by Alec Guinness.  This clever story is highly entertaining, but I much preferred the stage version, which is more animated as a musical.  I always have trouble understanding British dialog.  Still, the premise of this black comedy is funny even if I didn’t catch every word.  How he gets rid of Lady Agatha is hilarious.  3½ cans.

143.  The Verdict (1984) – From “The Young Philadelphians” to "Butch Cassidy” and “The Sting,” Paul Newman has been on the top of my list of favorite movie stars forever.  Here an older, more wizened Newman plays alcoholic attorney Frank Galpin, a hack who drums up business by attending wakes and slipping his business card into the hands of the deceased’s loved ones.  He happens to catch a medical malpractice case that looks ripe for a handsome settlement, but when he goes to visit the comatose victim, his conscience kicks in and he decides to let it play out in court.  His formidable opponent (James Mason) pulls out all the stops, and it looks like Frank might have blown his payday.  The odds are against him in every conceivable way, but will justice prevail?  4 jars of Newman’s Spaghetti Sauce, please.

144.  Shall We Dance? (2004) – There is one scene in this movie – when star Richard Gere ascends an escalator wearing a tux and carrying a single red rose – that elicits a universal “ahhhh” from every female viewer.  We all know and love that scene in this pleasant story of a nice guy who, despite a happy marriage (to Susan Sarandon) and lovely daughter, a thriving law practice and material success, finds himself lacking something in his life.  As his train passes Miss Mitzi’s Dance Studio, he looks up and sees the forlorn face of a beautiful woman (Jennifer Lopez, looking regal and sad at the same time) and he is intrigued, so he signs up for dancing lessons.  He and his fellow hoofers become a supportive if awkward group, and once again he experiences joy.  The always reliable Stanley Tucci is a fellow lawyer with a passion for dance.  This movie reminds us of how the arts enrich our lives in so many ways.  But just seeing Gere in that tux was enough for me.  Sigh.  3½ cans.

145.  Mame (1958) – Rosalind Russell so dominates this movie as madcap Mame that it is impossible to even think about anyone else playing the role – and this from someone who loves Lucy but thinks the movie musical version just does not measure up.  Mame Dennis is a wealthy society dame who unexpectedly finds herself having to raise her young nephew, Patrick.  The education she provides about life may be unconventional, and the “family” of Mame, Patrick, drunken Auntie Vera and two loyal servants may be different, but their lives are filled with love.  This energetic movie traces Mame’s ups and downs (with apologies to the scene later where that phrase appears) through men, money and the roaring ‘20s to the mid-century.  Patrick is her “little love,” and the bond between them is unbreakable.  I’d like to think my connection with my own nephew has just a dash of Mame in it.  Three cheers for Mame and 4 cans.

146.  Chasing Madoff* (2011) – When something seems too good to be true, it usually is.  So when financial analyst Harry Markopolos was asked by his firm how they could get returns similar to those of investment pro Bernard Madoff, if took Harry just a few minutes to spot the fraud that Madoff was perpetuating on investment institutions and large investors.  Madoff, now serving 150 years in prison for his financial dirty deals, ran a Ponzi scheme, which relied on constantly getting new investors to pay off the older investors.  It didn’t take Harry long to uncover the extensive acts of fraud, but it took 9 years for the regulatory agencies (SEC) with jurisdiction over investments to believe him.  Harry went to the press, submitted extensive documents to the SEC, contacted government officials – and all his attempts (except a few stories in the financial press) were ignored.  It took the economic collapse of 2008 to unearth Madoff’s fraud, and now Harry’s long quest to bring it to light was lauded.  This documentary is a cautionary tale and the impassioned story of one man, risking his safety and security, who tried to do the right thing.  How many individuals whose entire life savings were wiped out might have been saved?  Too many, and too many sad stories.  Truth is stranger than fiction.  Kudos to Harry Markopolos and 3 cans to this film.

147.  Ghost (1990) – Patrick Swayze had two really memorable movies in his too-brief career: “Dirty Dancing” and this one.  Here he plays Sam, a banker who lives with his love, Molly (Demi Moore with a great short haircut).  When Sam is gunned down, seemingly at random, his time here is not finished.  He has to warn Molly about the bad guys, led by his former friend and colleague Carl (Tony Goldwyn).  But how can a ghost communicate to a real person?  Sam finds phony psychic Oda Mae Brown (Whoopi Goldberg, in the part that brought her an Oscar), who is shocked to find she actually can hear Sam.  In fact, he annoys her, but he is persuasive.  And who can forget Molly and Sam using a potter’s wheel in the sexiest craft scene ever?  I hadn’t seen this movie in a long time, but it was a great one to fit into the home stretch of this year’s movies.  4 cans.

148.  A Christmas Story (1984) – What Christmas would be complete without the annual airing of Jean Shepherd’s hilarious stroll down Memory Lane?  I’ve seen this movie every Christmas Eve Day for years, and it never fails to amuse.  The leg lamp, the Chinese restaurant, the kid with his tongue frozen to the pole, Ralphie in those absurd pajamas and almost shooting his eye out with his Red Ryder BB Gun – what could be better?  A Christmas classic.  4 cans.

149.  Woody Allen: A Documentary* (2012) – This documentary traces the long and prolific career of comic-turned-movie star/director Woody Allen.  Here’s what I didn’t know:  Allen wrote one screenplay (“What’s New Pussycat”) as his first venture into films and saw it and the film’s director get mangled during production.  He vowed to never have that happen again, and he then demanded complete control of all of his work.  He got it, and turned out  “Bananas,” “Annie Hall” (one of my personal favorite movies), “Sleeper,” “Zelig,” “Broadway Danny Rose,” “The Purple Rose of Cairo,” “Manhattan,” “Hannah & Her Sisters,” and, more recently, “Midnight in Paris,” among many movies over a 40-year span.  Actors universally laud his propensity toward minimal direction and interference as they work out the motivation of their on-screen characters.  This documentary made me want to revisit some of Allen’s films, which I intend to do in the near future.  4 cans.

150.  Nebraska* (2013) – Stark, lonely, depressing and ordinary.  That could describe the lives of many people, and the folks depicted in this Alexander Payne movie are no exception.  Bruce Dern is Woody Grant, a stubborn old codger who is determined to get from his home in Montana to Nebraska, where he thinks a $1 million prize is waiting for him from a magazine sweepstakes.  Tired of seeing him picked up by the cops as he walks down the road, his son David (Will Forte of “Saturday Night Live”) gives in and hits the road with the ornery old coot, embarking on a road trip that provides David with some startling insights into his father’s past.   Shot in black and white, the film shows great stretches of desolate land, finally settling on Woody’s hometown in Nebraska, which is nothing more than a series of bars and dilapidated houses inhabited by downtrodden plain folk.  Dern gives a bravura performance as a man of few words, but possibly enough to earn him a thank you at Oscar time.  This was not my favorite movie of the year, but I’ll give it the respect and admiration it deserves.  3½ cans.

151.  American Hustle* (2013) – I wish they would have hustled through the plot of this plodding picture, which, to me, languished – particularly in the opening third.  Based on the Abscam incident, this entrenched-in-the-1980s movie is equal parts hair, clothes and all those visual reminders of 30 years ago.  And it is all about the con.  Who’s conning who?  Who’s legit?  Who can you trust?  You can’t even believe in their hair.  Christian Bale as Irving sports the biggest comb-over this side of Donald Trump, while an FBI guy (Bradley Cooper) has a tight home permanent.  Love interest Amy Adams has a mane of hair, while Irving’s wife (Jennifer Lawrence) wears a streaked up-do.  Jeremy Renner, as the corrupt mayor of Camden, has a huge boufant.  So much for the hair.  The story is convoluted, as Cooper arrests con artists Adams and Bale and forces them to work with him to set up a sting to entrap government officials.  I know I am the contrarian here, but I thought the film dragged on and on.  The acting, however, was outstanding, even though I thought Jennifer Lawrence – whose loose-lipped character nearly blows the scam – seemed too young to be Bale’s wife.  She steals the show anyway.  Call me an uncooperative witness, but I’ll give this one just 3½ briefcases full of money.

152.  The Way* (2010) – This poignant movie is the story of Tom Avery (Martin Sheen), a California doctor whose adult son dies while making a pilgrimage on the Camino del Santiago in Spain.  This route is called “The Way," and thousands of people walk it each year for a variety of reasons – spiritual or physical – but mostly to find their way.  Tom decides to finish the route his son had started, which involves walking hundreds of kilometers alone, staying in hostels and relying on locals for food and assistance.  He carries with him the cremated remains of his son, which he hopes to scatter at graveyards and in the ocean.  Along the way he meets other pilgrims and, despite the bitterness he bares for the loss of his son, he develops friendships and has adventures.  I wouldn’t have known anything about this actual pilgrimage or the movie were it not for my friend Ellen, who recently completed an abbreviated version of the journey and loaned me the DVD.  I was almost inspired enough to tackle it myself, until I realized I saw no four-star hotels (except toward the end) along the route and could never deal with the lack of bathroom facilities.  The movie is filled with beautiful shots of little villages and the Spanish countryside, enough to make you feel you could really get away when you take The Way.  Emilio Estevez wrote and directed the movie for Sheen, his father, whose roots go back to Spain.  Moving and lovely and off the beaten path but worth the trip.  3½ cans. 

153.  Sideways (2003) – This is my second Alexander Payne road movie this month.  Paul Giammatti is Miles, a morose wine enthusiast with a distaste for Merlot.  He and his buddy Jack (Thomas Haden Church) head to Northern California wine country to celebrate Jack’s forthcoming wedding, though Jack’s interest is more focused on sowing a few last wild oats along the way.  Divorced, Miles is a teacher and would-be author whose novel has yet to attract interest from a publisher.  He is miserable and has no idea how to have fun.  He comes alive only when describing in great detail every aspect of a wine he tastes.  If his novel was as well expressed as his description of various wines, he’d have a bestseller.  Virginia Madsen and an outstanding Sandra Oh (then married to director Payne) play the women who become the objects of their attention, and Oh has a great scene where she exacts revenge on Jack.  3½ cans, because Miles could bring down anyone’s good mood.

154.  American Masters: Johnny Carson (2012) – Since I just finished a detailed biography of Johnny Carson written by his former attorney and friend Henry Bushkin, I thought it would be interesting to get another point of view about the King of Late Night TV.  Carson came from stoic mid-western stock.  He became a magician and performer to counteract his painful shyness.  His impeccable timing and ability to engage with his guests during his 30+ year reign as the host of NBC’s “The Tonight Show,” belied his aloofness with people outside the show.  This documentary chronicles his career, how he got started, failed, rose again, and ascended to legendary ranks. Tributes by his successors and competitors – Dick Cavett, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Joan Rivers, Arsenio Hall and others – pay homage to his talent and how he defined the late night medium to which they all aspired.  Carson was an American Master.  4 cans.

155.  Silkwood (1983)  – It is almost impossible to settle on the singular role that defines the greatest actress of her generation:  Meryl Streep in “Sophie’s Choice,” “The Deer Hunter,” “The Bridges of Madison County,” “The Iron Lady,” “The Devil Wears Prada,” “Kramer vs. Kramer,” among so many others.  In this movie, based on a true story, she is Karen Silkwood, an employee of the nuclear energy company Kerr Magee in Texas.  She lives with her lesbian friend Dolly (Cher, in the role that showed she had acting chops) and boyfriend Drew (a terrific Kurt Russell) and worries about getting exposed to cancer-causing plutonium – though not enough to stop smoking.  Her growing devotion in working with the union estranges her from Drew, the company and her friends, but she is on a mission to improve the safety of herself and her co-workers.  This movie brings us the amazing Meryl in one of her best roles and performances.  4½ cans.

156.  Sleeper (1973) – Woody Allen’s early films were hilarious, and this mockery of the future of society is probably Woody at his zaniest.  The proprietor of a health food store in New York, Allen is frozen and thawed out 200 years in the future, where the vegetables are enormous and where all the things previously thought bad for us – fatty foods, etc. – are now considered good.  He meets Diane Keaton and has to fight in the Underground against a society dependent on robot servants and totalitarianism.  The lines come fast and furious, with pointed barbs about society then and now.  This is not one of his angst-riddled works, so you can sit back and enjoy the wild ride.  3½ cans.

157.  Saving Mr. Banks* (2013) – Here’s a story I didn’t know: Walt Disney had to beg, borrow and practically steal to get the film version of “Mary Poppins” made.  The author of the children’s classic, P. L. Travers (Emma Thompson), is reluctant to turn her character over to the Disney machine.  She eschews animation and music for this story that reflects on her childhood, but, needing the money, she agrees with great trepidation to spend some time in Hollywood listening to Disney’s team reveal their plays to put it on the big screen.  P.L. apparently stands for “Prickly Lady,” because Travers (who insists on being called “Mrs.” Travers) is like Mikey in that cereal commercial – she hates everything.  She’s about to tell them all to go fly a kite, when they almost win her over with the song by that name. Ultimately, Walt (who insists on being called by his first name) must understand who is the hero of this story before he can translate it into a movie that will win Mrs. Travers’ approval.  Oscar-winner Hanks tries a little harder than I’d like as Disney and Emma Thompson’s hair reminded me of Bradley Cooper’s hair in “American Hustle.”  Don’t go by the previews, which make it appear that this is a light and frothy ditty, because it has many dark moments, but there is enough charm and interest to make this one worth seeing.  3½ spoons of sugar.

158.  The Shawshank Redemption (1994) – If you had told me that this drama about men in a prison would be one of my top five favorite movies of all-time, I wouldn’t have believed it.  But the lives of these men, their friendships, their survival skills, their humanity in an impossible environment, are heartwarming – even amid brutality and obtuse zealots.  Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman are unforgettable, and my list of favorite scenes could go on forever.  I’m sentenced to watch this movie at least once a year, and I hope I’m serving life.  5 cans for this must-see and beloved movie. 

Top Movies of the Year:

Philomena

Captain Phillips

The Butler

20 Feet from Stardom

The Queen of Versailles

More Random Thoughts - December 2013 Edition

Random Thoughts for December

Here's a major difference between men and women: Spitting. I don't know one woman, no matter how vulgar she may be, who would walk down the street and spit. Yet men think nothing of it. Forget baseball players with their seemingly endless supply of saliva or sunflower seeds or tobacco. Just the ordinary guy will be walking down the street and launch a lugie. So that is, in my mind, a very fundamental difference between the sexes. Thank you, Margaret Mead, for that anthropological observation.

Seen on a t-shirt: Why is abbreviation such a long word? Good question.

I hate it when my socks sink into my shoes and I have to keep retrieving them. This only happens with certain pairs, but when it does, it drives me crazy. The other thing that drives me crazy is missing socks. I picture a sock somehow gaining its freedom from the washer or dryer in a scene reminiscent of Tim Robbins’ escape from prison in “The Shawshank Redemption.”

Whenever my sister and I find ourselves with extra time on our hands, do we sit and watch a movie? Read a book? Call a friend? No, we throw in a "bonus load" of laundry. We're nuts, I know, but getting an extra load in – especially for her, since she has a job that keeps her out of the house all week – is a thrill. Even for me, the family retiree.

There's nothing like getting into a bed with clean sheets. Not that the ones that were on the bed last night could actually get dirty. After all, it's not like I work in a dusty place, have pets on the bed, eat in bed or any of the above, so how dirty could they get? But still, there's nothing like clean sheets on the bed. Come on, you know just what I mean.

Speaking of clean, raise your hand if you clean the house before the cleaning lady comes. OK, I see a lot of hands out there. I always straighten up, since I don't want her to have to deal with the newspapers and magazines and the general clutter. I want her to scrub and clean. I can do the organizing. Everyone does that, I think, unless they just don't have the time, right? Besides, do I want the cleaning lady to think I live like a slob (which, I assure you, I do not)?

There are so many cleaning products under the kitchen sink that there isn't even room for all of them. It would be nice if someone other than the cleaning lady used them. Oh, I guess that would be me...

Sometimes I think to myself, "If it were up to me, I'd stay in bed all day and read." Then I remember it IS up to me. But then I feel guilty about what I SHOULD be doing, so I don't stay in bed all day and read. But one day, I swear I will. I only hope it is by choice.

It is really strange to walk down the street, listening to iHeart Radio and get traffic and weather reports from Phoenix or whatever station I happen upon.

There are 15 clocks in this house and the only two that show the same time are on the DVRs (which I can't set or override). I throw up my hands sometimes and wait until we have to change the clocks, when I know they will all be at the same time, at least for the day. Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?

I have 2 red raffle tickets in my wallet for something I bought or signed up for. No one has called and no one will, but I am holding on to them anyway. Why?

My phone conversations with my sister are so mundane, so boring, that we get hysterical thinking about them. I only hope the government is listening in. Someone could easily fall asleep listening to us ruminate over the latest "star" to go home on "Dancing With the Stars," or planning an outing to drop off clothes for a clothing drive, or talking about the sale at ShopRite on the laundry detergent I use (my sister is on patrol to keep me informed of sales on Dynamo). Bring it on, NSA. We'll bore you to death.

Do you find yourself saying, “Before I forget,” more and more often? It’s not just me, right?

It seems every time I go to the eye doctor the sun is shining brightly. Then they put those drops in my eyes to dilate my pupils and I leave the office and am immediately blinded by the light. And then I drive home!

Is there a town that doesn't have a road named "River Road" or "Lakeview Drive?" And how many are actually near a river or have a view of a lake? And speaking of street names, it is interesting to notice how the town or the developers have decided on the names. I live on Joshua Drive, near Scott and Daniel, but not that far from Barbara, so the developer must have had a lot of kids with those names. When will we see Tameika Place? Khadijah Drive? Some communities use names that reflect the former heritage of a location, like Choctaw Ridge Road. I always feel sorry for the kids who are just learning their addresses who have to learn to spell Amagansett. My former address was Skillman Close. Not Road, not Drive, not Street. Close. This is apparently a nicer way of denoting a dead end. But how many times did I have to spell it out or explain it? It's not like I CHOSE the name.

Who sits around and makes up names for paint colors and shades of lipstick? Look, this can't be an easy job. How many ways can YOU describe beige or shades of red and pink?

Please, God, make people stop using 'single quotes' where clearly "double quotes" belong. This seemingly universal change in punctuation is making me twitch. I see it in the Star-Ledger nearly every day, and it appears in more places than I can list. I can see the headline in the obituary section – Woman Dies from 'Single Quote' overexposure.

Stink bugs are aptly named, because they stink.

I wonder if any of the seemingly miserable and generally surly government employees with whom we have to deal went home excited and happy the day they got the news they were hired. Or does the government look for miserable people to hire so they can deal with the public? I’m thinking specifically of the local Social Security office as well as the toll-free SS line, where the person I spoke with was not even as warm and helpful as an automated line.

Among the many things I don’t do well, near the top of the list, is peeling hard-boiled eggs. Don’t expect deviled eggs from me anytime in the future since when I peel an egg, I end up denting it, and you are likely to get a piece of shell. I know, I know, peel ‘em under running water, but then you’ll get a wet egg from me. Your choice.

When I go out for a walk in the cold weather, I layer it up. In fact, nobody this side of Heidi wears this many layers. You'd think I was walking in the Antarctic rather than on the streets of Hillsborough.

Though I pride myself on a pop culture IQ that is far above average, I must admit that I have not only never seen “Dr. Who,” but I don't even know what it is about. Furthermore, I don't care to. And I've never seen or read “The Hunger Games,” either, and probably never will.

As I was scrubbing a potato to within an inch of its life the other day, I started to wonder how many tons of dirt I have consumed over the years. I mean, nobody truly gets all of the dirt off a potato, so some of it just has to be eaten. As the old ad goes, I guess we as a species are "stronger than dirt."